I definitely would if i could... I really f*cking wish i could. Im so unlucky
I still remember myself saying last year that this was gonna "finally" be the year i CTB. But unfortunately (as i expected...) it won't... I guess ill have to start accepting the fact that its just completely impossible to have a method for me and ctb here.... unless i live alone and no please ...for that itd have to pass by so many years and id have to suffer a lot with extremee social anxiety and sacrifice myself havign to force myself to have motivation , energy,interest in a job (ew..) to "finally " have own place where i would RIGHT AWAY ctb. if only I could ctb... For that i would have to have motivation and all that sh** I dont have and dont want to have and lots of years would pass until i "finally" have own place to ctb.... A lot of sacrifices,efforts, suffering no please no i dont want any of that i literally have no will to live life nor do anything, i know to be able to CTB "successfully " id have to live alone but i dont want to have to go through that and suffer even more... I JUST WANT TO DIE ALREADY WHY CANT IT BE ALREADY
... I dont have motivation, interest ,will nor eneegy for that (get job ,have to hsvr motivation, energy, do the work well ,ew.. ,be around people when im extemely socially anxious and asocial , sigh , all the things that id have to do to "finally be able" to ctb is just horrible, and it would take lots of years.... (and dont want to have it ew, dont have it for anything and never will ) and no please i cant wait anymore I WANT TO DIE ALREADY!!!! CANT WAIT ANYMORE
here is just impossible.. even if i had a credit card , items such as a rope or SN jsut cant be delivered here ,it would be like a scream to be sent to a psychiatrist and psych ward real quick. And due to my social anxiety and asociality (feel NO shame at all of me being asocial, but im criticized for it and it hurts to have to act different andbe forced to be "sociable" and all that sh*t ...) i wouldn't be able to have the package at the post office instead of getting it delivered home. And if i leave house alone out of nowhere ,suddenly, they would immediately notice and suspect because i NEVER leave the house alone (im forced to go out and it hurts... And obviously cant go back to the house with a package with a freaking rope or SN ,it would definitely not go unnoticed since they would ask me to open it infront of them...
Wish i fuckign could ctb too... Im so so jealous of those who can.... To die is the only dream i have (and tthe ONLY dream i WANT to have. i don't want any other type of dream ewwww. I dont want anything from life. Just get the fuck out of here as soon as possible. ah... If only i could.... To not be able to die makes me so deeply depressed ... i cant stand it anymore... )
If only there was a method for me... but i live with my parents so it's basically impossible to ctb here. Theyve told me several times that i should leave and "do my life as an adult" and all that shit . They keep complaining and not only them but my siblings, rest of relatives and even my parents' friends that im a "neet" and that i should be doing productive things , be "an adult" ,"mature" ,"independent" and all that fcking shit im forced to be and "have to be" just because i was brought into this damned life (life in general. and my life is what people would call a "great life" and all that crap but i couldnt care LESS. i just dont want life, jesus fcking christ. Why is this so hard for people to understand ? When will society open their eyes, OPEN THEIR MINDS ESPECIALLY, and accept /understand ONCE AND FOR ALL that life SHOULD NOT be a goddamned obligation? I mean , i came here WITHOUT MY FUCKING CONSENT, what if i just dont want to participate in life? What if i just dont want to do this "journey", "game" or whatever uou wanna call this obligated-to-do/live/want/experience thing called life. It hurts that when i was (unfortunateky) brought into this world and was (unfortuntately) given a life and brought to this life (this life in general) , i was just a helpless human new born unable to choose if i want to exist and experience life or not. It fucking hurts that im trapped here , forced to want things, to like things /have hobbies/interests/dreams/goals/desires/ambitions/talents and all that fcking shit (sorry for those who have them., Obviouzly you can and im happy to hear it if thats what you all want and make you happy, but im very diffenremt and opposite from everyone else on this planet /life /world. i just dont want anything of that , absolutely anything at all in grneral and im more than fine with it but I'm forced to and it hurts. Snd it hurts that this perspective i have is invisible in this socirty,people think you cant just dont want life and automatically describes it as a "mental illness" or an "immature /apathetic phase" (as if i gave a damn if im "immature" or not ,wtf.) (because yes, its a PERMANENT PERSPECTIVE towards life and existencr in general , not a goddamened mental illness nor "apathy" ,"lazy/apathetic phase". For gods sake...
I have extreme social anxiety (that i DONT WANT MY PARENTS TO KNOW because i dont want to be sent to any psuchiatrist nor get any "help" , ew, im tired of this fucking brainwashed pro life society assumjng that everyone wants to live and that eveyrone wants to "get help" ,"get better" and all that shit.
How much i wish I could ctb before this year ends. to know that Ill have to exist /live and be forced into life, do things, be "how i have to be " (when i dont want to be any f*cking way at all , and even less how "im supposed to be", "how I must /should/have to be" and all that crap... For idek how many more years until i "get" to ctb When i dontwant anything at all , hurts...hurts so much...
i dont want to be "positive" things , i dont want to be anyone in life in general. Wish i didnt have to do anythjng, but have no choice but pretend i want to ,to please other people ...
Just because everyone else wants to be feel "good" about themselves , be "successful", "happy", "productive", "handsome/pretty", "knowledgeable", "cultured", "talented"and all shit (sorry for me it's s+h*t i know that for you it isn't ) care about life /want to live/do/expeeience life (life in general) and "build/enjoy" their lives doesnt mean I want too... I coulsnt care less if im a "failure" or whatever you wanna call it . Couldnt give less of a fck about anything from life ,about anything "that im supposed /should/have to/must care about" , I don't want anything that other ppl /everyone else wants. why should i... What if I DONT WANT ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING from life NO MATTER HOW THE F*CKING HELL IT IS.... I'm so tired. i have to be adapting to this obligated thing im forced to take/be part of and experience/do/live even though i just have no interest nor desire for it at all (never had it and NEVER WILL) and it hurts. Each day it keeps getting harder and worse to keep up and fully pretrnd /pose as someone "normal who wants to live" to not be sent to a psychiatrist.... , sigh..
I fcking hate this. It hurts so much that i cant have control over my OWN existence here in this world and life ,WHEN I DIDNT EVEN ASKED TO BE PART OF IT IN THE FIRST PLACE AND I WAS TAKEN HERE AGAINST MY WILL . Sigh...
I dont want to do absolutely anything at all and never will , ew, why the f*ck should i want to... I didnt fuckkng ask to participate in life. I dont want any type of life at all for f*cks sake...
Its been too many years having to pretend because i have no choice but adjust to life even though i have no fcking interest for it at all. Why do i have to? It fcking hurts to be trapped in this prison of a body that i dont give a shit about and dont want to take care of but i have to force myself to care about this whole bunch of flesh Im forcedly in because its "what i have to do" , to not be "gross" ,"disgusting", "immature" and all that shit i coulsnt care less about. It hurts to be trapped in existence /this world /life and forced to want to live /do /experience life when i just simply DONT AND NEVER WILL.
My parents keep complaining bc im "almost 22 and still a "neet" and "independent" and "very immatur for my age" and all that crap i couldn't care less about . and i have to act like its "something to feel bad /shameful about" infrojt of them ,when in reality i couldnt care less ,i wish I never had to do anythjngnor be any way nor see anyone nor be anythjng . They say that as if i gave a fuck if im a "neet" or not, and if im "still dependent" or not and if im "immature" or not. I COULDNT CARE LESS FOR FCKS SAKE!!!!!but well I'llkeep beinf forced into life forcede to all the sh*t everyone else BUT ME wants ,forced to "what i have to do" ,"whAt eveyrone has to do in life" , forced to have hobbies /interest and all that crap,forced to see people, forced to life in general, as a summary . When i just dont want anything, but well.. obviously cant tell the truth and will have to keep pretending/faking ,acting completely different of how/who i actually am (someone who just DOESN'T want to experience life and has NO interest for it and never will) ,hiding everythjng to not be any suspicious,to not make them find out bc at the bare minium they'll alreasy suspect /ask why and if i dont say anything theyll take me to a psychiatrist ... cant say the truth because I'd just be sent to a psychiatrist , probably a bunch of psychiatrists and psychologist s ,even a psych ward . No one seem to know abt the "just don't want to do /live /experience life" " concept" ,everyone assumes eveyrone wants to live /participate in life ,everyone assumes everyone is interested in life and wants this and that from it .
Its sodepressing to not be able to just fcking die, which is literally the only thing I want..... im feeling so impulsive and its really hard to stop myself , the urge is so strong... Sorry if my death will hurt /traumatize my parents but i just dont want to be here. it hurts to be forced to "build my life" and do things, have a future etc when i fucking don't want to at all and want to avoid that at all costs. I just want to not exist ,to be nothing in eternal nothingness please
ppl who actually want to live are the ones who get to ctb and I'm sorry life brought them to that point, bc they actually cared about life and wanted to live life . Id give anything to give you all my life and my body , which is what people would call it a 'good life' (coulsnt care less ) and a 'healthy body' (couldn't care less either)
Then theres me, i literally just want to die and thatse the only thing i anxiously and desperately want but cant and it fuckkng hurts. It feels horrible to not be able to have the only thing i want, which is death. it hurts me . You all are hurt/depressed/anxjous for not having other type of things you want in their lives but dont have , and im so sorry, i know how hard it has to be for you . And im hurt and so depressed and so anxious because i cant die. Wish i could... Cant stop thinking about it everyday , it hurts horribly to realize that i can't ctb ....Its so hard to be hiding everuthjng everyday .. wish i could get the f*ck out of life but it's so freaking hard,why it has to be like that.... ,i just dont want to be part of this,dont want to participate in it for f*cks sake... let me just go...
Sorry again for the long message ,i know I should stop spamming with long messages in threads ...
Wish this was my year to finally fcking get rid this life (life in genral, not referring only to my life ,i dont care how my life is, it's a 'good life' and I just dont want it at all, have family ,shelter,food and all that crap and i dont want anything at all.wish I was nothing ,just nothing,that's what i want to be ,sigh. I sont want to live/have any type of life at all ,just dont want to and never will ) but unfortunately it wont ,I live with my parents and clearly i just cant ctb here ... Will have to keep existing /living , having to "do /build" my life ,do things, be a profession and all that crap even tho I just dont want to at all to please them /for their own sake for idk how many more years, this is such a torture i just want to end it . It fcking hurts. Im so desperate
Sorry again for this unnecessarily long message ... I hope all of u who will ctb finally find peace . Wish i could join you...
