Discussion Does anyone else plan ctb before 2020 is over?

[Deleted member 17331]

Do you also feel that you are leaving this year?

*******

Sometimes, I think about finding a job that will guarantee me a fixed income before I leave, to leave money for my pets, but I know that my mom will spend only to pay her own bills. My mom still controls my money and most of my purchases, in addition to other factors that make me very sad. At the moment, I am making money cleaning houses of people I know, but I earn very little, and fibromyalgia makes everything worse. I don't really understand why I'm still breathing. Life has always been hostile, I have had to deal with abuse and responsibilities since my childhood, I am too weak to participate in this concrete jungle.

I'm tired, you know? I no longer feel like prolonging my life, and I believe that suicide is the only thing that can save me.

 

[red_pen]

i sometimes do.

***ramble below***

i mean i see all these *good people that have committed suicide (powapowa-p, a producer i really love--i'll be outliving him soon; reckful, someone who i never knew existed until after their suicide but they seemed chill from their twitter) and others that have died in cruel ways, despite contributing so much to the world, and i look at myself and think why the hell am i even here. for the slim chance that things get better? even while knowing that more hell and struggle awaits me on the way to that chance?

i also think of 'law of attraction' and stuff, that i should be more positive about this all (because who knows, maybe a happy future isn't so far off or bleak) but it's hard when my head is like this.

 

[AnniesHideaway]

My kitty keeps me alive. The moment she lives out her happy natural life I will be CTB. I doubt it will be 2020, but I am always prepared to get the bus ticket and have multiple methods ready to go.

 

[WinterFaust]

i sometimes do.

***ramble below***

i mean i see all these *good people that have committed suicide (powapowa-p, a producer i really love--i'll be outliving him soon; reckful, someone who i never knew existed until after their suicide but they seemed chill from their twitter) and others that have died in cruel ways, despite contributing so much to the world, and i look at myself and think why the hell am i even here. for the slim chance that things get better? even while knowing that more hell and struggle awaits me on the way to that chance?

i also think of 'law of attraction' and stuff, that i should be more positive about this all (because who knows, maybe a happy future isn't so far off or bleak) but it's hard when my head is like this.

Wow I relate to this so much. I've been thinking about the fact that people seemingly have a lot going for them and they've ctb and I haven't yet. Meanwhile my life continues to decline because I just can't get it together. Why stick around and struggle and continue to see myself deteriorate?

So many people have told me to think positively and I really internalized that but the reality is when you're struggling, it's nearly impossible to do so. In fact, I think believing that I had to be positive made my entire situation worse in the long run because I viewed my inability to do so as some innate character flaw.

 

[SSlostallhope]

Yes

 

[red_pen]

the reality is when you're struggling, it's nearly impossible to do so. In fact, I think believing that I had to be positive made my entire situation worse in the long run because I viewed my inability to do so as some innate character flaw.

exactly this. it's something i don't think people who tell others in dark situations to just "stay positive xd" really understand. like i'd think positively if i could but...whenever i look around it's like...what's the point!

 

[glittergore]

I have my date set for November 1st if things don't change radically, so maybe.

 

[MorticiasHair]

yes

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Do you also feel that you are leaving this year?

*******

Sometimes, I think about finding a job that will guarantee me a fixed income before I leave, to leave money for my pets, but I know that my mom will spend only to pay her own bills. My mom still controls my money and most of my purchases, in addition to other factors that make me very sad. At the moment, I am making money cleaning houses of people I know, but I earn very little, and fibromyalgia makes everything worse. I don't really understand why I'm still breathing. Life has always been hostile, I have had to deal with abuse and responsibilities since my childhood, I am too weak to participate in this concrete jungle.

I'm tired, you know? I no longer feel like prolonging my life, and I believe that suicide is the only thing that can save me.

I feel that. I am sorry about your situation. I had a shitty mom also and its the reason I want to die. Even though she's dead, my happiness will come in death

 

[GonnaGoBye]

I cant seem to picture myself living long enough my future goals are always blurred and unsure, sometimes I see my own funeral while asleep.

 

[AlreadyGone]

I hope so.

 

[happy?1270]

Yep planning on leaving sometime November

 

[Deleted member 17331]

I feel that. I am sorry about your situation. I had a shitty mom also and its the reason I want to die. Even though she's dead, my happiness will come in death

Oh, I'm so sorry... I never too had any kind of emotional support from my mom, she was always at work, and when she was at home she was just stressed out. I don't hate her, but sometimes I wonder if she has a serious mental problem... When I was a child and I told her about my grandfather's sexual abuse, she didn't give a damn, she didn't even take me for exams or any psychological assessment. Some people still say that I should love her, but how will I love it when no one taught me what it is?

Well, my father beat me frequently with a broomstick until I bled, he cursed me and then said he loved me. If this is love, I don't want to love anyone.
*

I really wish you the best @DeathIsTheWayOut99, no child should experience neglect and abuse.

I send you a thousand hugs

 

[Torbasco]

I'm planning on dying on or before my birthday in a couple of weeks. I wanted to end it earlier, but I've failed so many times already. I might have some damage already from all the times I passed out but didn't die. I don't know what will really happen, I'm so unstable and my outlook changes so dramatically all the time, but I hope I can find peace either through recovery or death.

I'm glad I at least have enough money from SSI saved up to cover some final expenses and donate to a charity in my will. My abusive family doesn't deserve a cent but I still want to donate to morally make up for some of the worse things I feel I've done.

 

[NoPlaceForme]

I have to. Everything has come crashing down all around sooner than I expected. My heart is both empty and too full at the same time. Unfortunate so many of us have reached this point.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

I had planned to ctb before 2020 was over, yes. I also suffer from fibro and its just terrible that there's nothing that can be done about it. Or when people tell you it's not real or life changing. I also have diabetic neuropathy. It's so frustrating when they do tests and x-rays, etc; for your pain and find nothing, so the doctor assume you're fine and don't really help you any further. Some days I can't even get out of bed. I just want to mix my SN and get it over with.

But I love my fiance. We met here. He understands me like nobody else does and that's a great feeling. It boosts me with serotonin. Unfortunately, I am suicidal on a daily basis and I think I will be this way until I die.

I still plan to ctb. Not this year, but if something happens to my partner or we break up, that will be the last straw as he is the only positive force in my life.

Sending you love and positive vibes. If you ever want to chat, shoot me a message! We'll talk about our horrid lives together. ;) x

 

[Intractabe]

I've got everything ready to go for Sunday night except the letter. Still haven't decided what I'm going to say, exactly. It may just be "I'm leaving all my stuff and my dog to ____. There was nothing anyone could do and this was my own decision, planned for months in advance. Do whatever you want with my body. Signed ____." But I might want to leave a separate note for the friend I'm leaving everything to to apologize for dumping it all on them.

 

[Deleted member 17331]

I had planned to ctb before 2020 was over, yes. I also suffer from fibro and its just terrible that there's nothing that can be done about it. Or when people tell you it's not real or life changing. I also have diabetic neuropathy. It's so frustrating when they do tests and x-rays, etc; for your pain and find nothing, so the doctor assume you're fine and don't really help you any further. Some days I can't even get out of bed. I just want to mix my SN and get it over with.

But I love my fiance. We met here. He understands me like nobody else does and that's a great feeling. It boosts me with serotonin. Unfortunately, I am suicidal on a daily basis and I think I will be this way until I die.

I still plan to ctb. Not this year, but if something happens to my partner or we break up, that will be the last straw as he is the only positive force in my life.

Sending you love and positive vibes. If you ever want to chat, shoot me a message! We'll talk about our horrid lives together. ;) x

In fact, fibromyalgia is horrible. The main problem with fibromyalgia for me is the neglect of other people (including doctors) who do not understand this disease. People do not give support and due attention to fibromyalgia, saying things like:

"This is bullshit" and "You are too young to have this type of pain".

It makes me stressed, as it seems that I have to hide what I'm feeling to avoid these kinds of comments. Sometimes I feel like I've been beaten up by a large group of people, these in days I can't even get out of bed, in addition to feeling more sensitive to sounds and having sleep disturbances. Living with it is very uncomfortable and depressing.
*
Thank you so much @SuicidalSymphonies! I see some of your posts here and they are very kind, and I really love them. I will send you a message soon!

I wish you peace and comfort, and many endurable days. I also wish you and your fiance much love and understanding.

Sending you a thousand hugs.

 

[NomadicWolf382]

Sometime between July 20th and October 31. More than likely, it's going to be sometime in August, due to wanting to finish up a couple things before I CTB.

 

[Nipuedoniquiero]

Yes

 

[WeepingWillow]

All that I ever loved has been ripped from my arms. My days are spent in a nursing home bed as I can no longer walk. My poor widowed mother, the only person I hang on for is kept from me because of this stupid quarantine. And the only reason I won't finish it is I can not bare to cause her anymore anguish on my account. I know far better than to ask how much worse can it get. But, God, much more and 2020 will be it for me.

I'm tired and I just don't want to suffer any more.

 

[Bct]

Hopefully I'm able to finish myself this year.

 

[SpottedPanda]

I planned to leave this Saturday, with with how much of a comfort zone I'm in, I guess I'll have to wait until the next round of suicidal drunkness

 

[rhiino]

I plan to leave this year as well. I hope I won't experience 2021 anymore.

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

My dream is to die this year as well. Its bern shit from the start. If i ctb in 2020 family will just memorise it as extremely shitty year. So next year can hopefully start clean

 

[EraseRewind]

I was a definite yes at the start of the year as my illnesses and pain had become so difficult but I haven't got all the items I need to do completed yet, but if I'm able to complete my list then I'm still a yes but if not then I'll have to wait regardless of pain issues. My GP has been great and given me better pain medication, I'm grateful to her for that as it's working and given me this choice.

 

[TAW122]

Yes, I do. In fact, this pandemic has made my CTB plan more complicated and difficult than it should be. It also doesn't help that my living situation changed at end of 2019, thus living at home with parents. If for some reason or circumstance that I am not able to CTB in late 2020 or so, I'd go at my earliest convenience. I've been ready and have been on borrowed time, so it's not a matter of "if" (my mind was already made up and moreover reinforced with how shitty 2020 is as well as the future) but a matter of when.

 

[wanttodie]

yes i do

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

Yes, if things work out I'm planning on doing partial or selling some stuff and playing online in order to get some SN and catch the midnight train. Probably some time around the next two months. The sooner the better.

 

[HappyMstake]

Yes, I have plans to do it within the next few months. If for some reason it doesn't happen in 2020 I still want to do it before my 26th birthday in February. I feel like that's plenty of time to get my things in order.