does anyone else not want to be happy

[cantthinkofusername]

i just dont really think its for me. being sad isnt good. it's unbearable sometimes. but i've tried being happy a lot of times and it feels just as unbearable. i dont know. i dont want to be happy i just want to be whole.
i know its silly to say 'ive tried being happy and i didnt like it' but i dont know how else to characterize it. being happy isn't enough. life is inherently meaningless and when i was happy i could smile and laugh and look forwards to waking up but it didn't change anything really. happiness is poison.
i know its silly to say 'ive tried being happy and i didnt like it' but i dont know how else to characterize it. being happy isn't enough. life is inherently meaningless and when i was happy i could smile and laugh and look forwards to waking up but it didn't change anything really. happiness is poison.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Idk why you wouldn't wanna be "happy"

Actual "Happiness" may only last for a short amount of time when we have the rush in our brain of sth that we enjoy but imo happiness is more and it also depends on how our lives are on average. Whether positive experiences outweigh negative ones - that is the case for average lives.

Idk why you don't wanna be happy but I can tell you my life is really just avg and kinda "surviving" with nearly 0 options to do sth else but staying at home - I wish I could do things that made me happy - yet I don't have the means for it to happen.

I would want to be happy and enjoy my life.

 

[timechained]

You would never know it,
The constant pain I feel,
Because in the light of day
It almost isn't real.

Sure, I'll play, I'll laugh,
I'll sing some songs,
But that pain is always lurking
Because it's been here all along.

And when the darkness comes
With its all-consuming power,
It slowly takes my soul
Hour by dreadful hour.

But they tell me that I'm strong enough.
They swear that it gets better.
They say, "If you can just hold out
and bear this stormy weather."

They tell me, "You will be happy one day.
All you need do is fight."
But what they seem to forget
Is after each day comes the night.

And so I act along.
I play my part
While this crushing darkness
Slowly breaks my heart.

The Darkness
Dallas E. Krystof.
Family Friend Poems, July 17, 2018. https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/the-darkness-24