This is unfortunately a common struggle for us autistic people. When the world is fundamentally designed for the neurotypical experience, right down to the unspoken rules, social norms, and expectations, it can be difficult to ascertain a place or purpose for oneself amongst the deep sense of alienation that defines the autistic experience.
Akin to many others here, I had always told myself I wouldn't make it to 15, then 17, 18, 20, but time kept marching on. Then, suddenly I'm almost 25 years old. With the steady and unrelenting passage of time, I've constantly been confronted with the indomitable callousness of adult life. Had to stare it in the face so many times, and with each instance, I feel like I lose yet another piece of myself, another ephemeral shred of innocence that I will never get back. And yet I'm supposed to endure decades of this? Is that a future, or simply purgatory?
Despite being suicidal over half my life now, I always did try to build up some sort of future, a modicum of a life worth living, only to realise far too late that it's not in the cards for me. I have held employment on and off since I was about 16 years old, I've put up with awful work environments that damaged my health and didn't benefit me in any way, pushed forward in education despite coming from a background where higher education is rare and the youth in my area are sorely under-prepared for it, and struggled all the way because disabled people are not welcome in these environments unless you can somehow "compensate" for your impairment.
I moved to a foreign country where I knew nothing, I've had romantic relationships (most of which were abusive and damaging), had to exist with no support since most of my relatives are dead, and have seen firsthand how responsibilities raise the stakes and create a sense of obligation that keeps one shackled even in the face of great stress and misery. Once you develop health problems, the grind becomes even more difficult if not impossible.
I'm supposed to take on even more responsibility, to prime myself to be a wife and a mother who desires a mortgage and running a home, while also being a girlboss climbing the corporate/career ladder and running the endless wheel of the rat race. But I am not physically capable of these things. So what is left but a profound sense of emptiness that words cannot even begin to describe?
It's not as if I didn't desire some of these things. Yet, an upbringing rife with neglect and abuse on top of being developmentally delayed stunted me socially and make relationships and networking a herculean task. Health problems that have been ongoing for years destroyed my prospects anyways. I've always felt more sensitive than others and not cut on for the onslaught of loneliness and stress that adulthood embodies. There's such a lack of warmth and happiness that accompanies maturity, for me.
There are people who are incredibly resilient and can make something out of nothing, but I am not one of those people. Thus, I see no future left for me. I think many people work towards a future so that they can live for others, those strong bonds keep them motivated and pushing forward. Yet, life is profoundly lonely for me. As the years have gone by, I watched my father die, my aunt die who was somewhat of a mother figure to me, all of my great aunts and uncles, my grandpa who raised me since birth, my other grandmother whom I had no relationship with in adulthood due to her abusive and volatile behaviour... And now I'm watching my grandma who raised me- and is the only mother I will ever have since mine abandoned me- lay in a hospital bed.
I have nobody who loves me unconditionally and the "future" feels like a permanent spiral of grief more than anything else. The thing I hated the most about becoming an adult was realising that adult relationships are transactional. A romantic partner may provide emotional and financial support, but they can never replace family. As a traumatized woman who mostly loathes sex and is terrified of pregnancy, I am basically worthless to these men (and other women too). There is never going to be any sense of stability as long as the caveat of any romantic relationship is, "have sex with me."
Believe me, I tried the whole find your tribe and make your own family shit too. I've spent years trying to cultivate friendships and all of it dried up once people graduated university and moved back in with their real families. There's no real connection, it's all surface level. People prioritize their blood family, their partners, and their hopes of having children with those partners. The older I get, the more alone and alienated I am because everyone my age is following that path and I have no interest in taking on a permanent, lifelong responsibility especially not in poor health.
Chronic illness took away my ability to really enjoy or engage with hobbies and interests, or to have the career I wanted, a career where I am already ostracized for being autistic and would never fit in anyway. I am well aware there is no future for me- even others who know me are aware of this and pity me- and yet I am expected to rot regardless. Screw this nonexistent future, I would much rather have the past again. I would do anything to experience the peace I felt as a little girl when my family was still alive, to sit in the sunshine with my grandma and grandpa and go to the outdoor market with them on sundays after we all had dinner together.
What do I have to look forward to in the future when everything that did make me feel alive is GONE or decaying?
. Honestly I would rather die than continue living in this slavish world with unlimited potential of pain and harm, there no future in my eyes. Even with a lot of money, there is no fixing suffering.
