Hey OP, fellow personality disordered person as well. I wish you well even though I know you're not doing well and aren't looking to get well.
For me personally, I used to consider recovery. I used to dream of it a lot and fantasize about all the beautiful things that could happen if I got better and gained some kind of decent manageable quality of life. I had a lot of dreams and fantasies as a kid and it took me a while to deconstruct that internalized optimism, that whole "Rags to Riches l" mindset that Hollywood sold me, although to be honest I never believed in recovery and I still don't believe in it. Deep down I didn't. As I got older I realized more and more than I am more likely to end up in a long term mental hospital, in a homeless shelter or in the Greek prison system than in the red carpets of Hollywood. But that's not the reason I am considering CTB, I am considering conversion to Buddhism or jainism so I don't chase vain desires. The point that I'm trying to make is that the optimism society pushes to everyone isn't always realistic and isn't always the only likely outcome. If every situation "got better" then no one would die from cancer or dementia. If physical illness or a very well known illness of old age can be terminal who says that mental issues can't be as well? Hollywood sold us dreams we can't afford.
Now that I am done with my pre-ramble, the main reason I don't consider recovery (as much, I'll still try my best anyways but I don't have hope in it) is because my issues are well known for being chronic and treatment resistant, in many cases downright untreatable. Even if I do get better I will have missed on half of my life and you can't get half a life back, and that's coming from a believer in reincarnation. I will have missed out on fundamental/common human milestones such us friendship, marriage, children, and finding employment you love and some of which might be impossible to find at an older age and everyone else who is relatively mentally healthy and able bodied will have achieved years before me. I will have missed out on years of fundamental human experience even if I "get better". I will have lost so many years. I don't see the point. There are two kinds of life expectancies measured in medicine, years lost due to terminal illness and "years lost to being sick". Even if I get better I will have missed out on so much to a point where recovery will be completely fucking pointless I've already had so much literally stripped away from me. I don't even hope for recovery anymore. Just some temporary relief to make my one and only dream of becoming a published novelist come true before I CTB and move on unto the next incarnation or something, hopefully in a heavenly realm.
TDLR: I just don't think recovery will matter after so many years lost to mental illness.
Let me guess: Anhedonia/permament side effects of antipsychotics? I'm sorry for the medical abuse you experienced, the psychiatric industry can be fucked up.
