Nem
Drs suck mega ass!
- Sep 3, 2018
- 1,489
I could've been the next Hendricks.
I could've been the next Musk.
I was a bit batshit crazy as a (healthy) child - if I wanted to do a thing, there were only two possible outcomes: either the thing gets done, or I die trying. Literally. When I picked up the guitar, much like in the song "summer of 69", I practiced until my fingers bled.
When I got interested in C, I would juggle the guitar and the coding. I had to buy a lot of new keyboards back then.
When epilepsy hit, I still thought I could get into the learning zone, that mental state that allowed me to go batshit crazy on learning a thing. That would end in grand mal seizures. A lot of them. I suggest you avoid looking for videos if you want to have an idea of what a grand mal seizure is, stick to the text. Some people say it's really fucked up footage.
Now? Now I wait. There is a disgusting glimmer of hope - a surgery to cut out the epileptic node entirely, bit for that to happen the node needs to not be sitting in the wrong area, so that's what I do, I just sit and wait.
The meds have mutilated my brain already with depression, anxiety, and fuck knows what else.
I recall going to a vEEG where they really wanted to catch a grand mal on their scanners, so they took me off the meds cold turkey specifically to cause a massive shock in the body and have me rolling on the floor, seizing. It did work, but before that I suddenly felt... alive, for lack of a better word. It was like seeing new colors. My father noted my eyes glimmered the same way like twenty years ago when I was murdering my hands on the guitar when he came for a visit. He came again after the seizure, which he thankfully didn't witness. He didn't need to say anything, his facial expression was enough - my eyes were dead again.
Honestly, I hate this tiny glimmer of hope the hospital teases me with. On the one hand I wish they would indeed say that I'm fit for the surgery and bring the knives and drills out, but on the other hand, I wonder what would happen if they say I don't. I have roughly 1kg of SN, but no metro.
Sometimes I wonder - if I were to liquify it all and chug it, would it be enough, even with the vomiting?
I could've been the next Musk.
I was a bit batshit crazy as a (healthy) child - if I wanted to do a thing, there were only two possible outcomes: either the thing gets done, or I die trying. Literally. When I picked up the guitar, much like in the song "summer of 69", I practiced until my fingers bled.
When I got interested in C, I would juggle the guitar and the coding. I had to buy a lot of new keyboards back then.
When epilepsy hit, I still thought I could get into the learning zone, that mental state that allowed me to go batshit crazy on learning a thing. That would end in grand mal seizures. A lot of them. I suggest you avoid looking for videos if you want to have an idea of what a grand mal seizure is, stick to the text. Some people say it's really fucked up footage.
Now? Now I wait. There is a disgusting glimmer of hope - a surgery to cut out the epileptic node entirely, bit for that to happen the node needs to not be sitting in the wrong area, so that's what I do, I just sit and wait.
The meds have mutilated my brain already with depression, anxiety, and fuck knows what else.
I recall going to a vEEG where they really wanted to catch a grand mal on their scanners, so they took me off the meds cold turkey specifically to cause a massive shock in the body and have me rolling on the floor, seizing. It did work, but before that I suddenly felt... alive, for lack of a better word. It was like seeing new colors. My father noted my eyes glimmered the same way like twenty years ago when I was murdering my hands on the guitar when he came for a visit. He came again after the seizure, which he thankfully didn't witness. He didn't need to say anything, his facial expression was enough - my eyes were dead again.
Honestly, I hate this tiny glimmer of hope the hospital teases me with. On the one hand I wish they would indeed say that I'm fit for the surgery and bring the knives and drills out, but on the other hand, I wonder what would happen if they say I don't. I have roughly 1kg of SN, but no metro.
Sometimes I wonder - if I were to liquify it all and chug it, would it be enough, even with the vomiting?
Sweet Release
Experienced
- Nov 24, 2019
- 252
KadathianStr1d3r
Shattered Mannequin
- Nov 21, 2018
- 278
Yes very much so.
I could've been something as of right now and yet despite my tryings i only continue to fail while always never doing the things I want to do most.
I wanted to be famous as a director and writer, movies always had been my favorite group of friends.
Yet I didnt knew on where the hell to go and like some manchild simp I listened to my mothers demands to enroll in technical school, nobody knew what the hell I was good at so they gave me choice and just like some dumb blind kid not taking things seriously I chose the IT department.
Im about to turn 24 in a few weeks and I am on my third fucking try at becoming something not even remotrly similiar to what i want to be in life.
I am so close to just dropping everything and running the fck far away from this nightmare!
I cant take it and Im not sure I can atand being here any longer.
I could've been something as of right now and yet despite my tryings i only continue to fail while always never doing the things I want to do most.
I wanted to be famous as a director and writer, movies always had been my favorite group of friends.
Yet I didnt knew on where the hell to go and like some manchild simp I listened to my mothers demands to enroll in technical school, nobody knew what the hell I was good at so they gave me choice and just like some dumb blind kid not taking things seriously I chose the IT department.
Im about to turn 24 in a few weeks and I am on my third fucking try at becoming something not even remotrly similiar to what i want to be in life.
I am so close to just dropping everything and running the fck far away from this nightmare!
I cant take it and Im not sure I can atand being here any longer.
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