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Hey Guest,
As you know, censorship around the world has been ramping up at an alarming pace. The UK and OFCOM has singled out this community and have been focusing its censorship efforts here. It takes a good amount of resources to maintain the infrastructure for our community and to resist this censorship. We would appreciate any and all donations.
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Security update: At around 2:28AM EST, the site was labeled as malicious by Google erroneously, causing users to get a "Dangerous site" warning in most browsers. It appears that this was done by mistake and has been reversed by Google. It may take a few hours for you to stop seeing those warnings.
If you're still getting these warnings, please let a member of staff know.
Nem
Drs suck mega ass!
- Sep 3, 2018
- 1,489
I could've been the next Hendricks.
I could've been the next Musk.
I was a bit batshit crazy as a (healthy) child - if I wanted to do a thing, there were only two possible outcomes: either the thing gets done, or I die trying. Literally. When I picked up the guitar, much like in the song "summer of 69", I practiced until my fingers bled.
When I got interested in C, I would juggle the guitar and the coding. I had to buy a lot of new keyboards back then.
When epilepsy hit, I still thought I could get into the learning zone, that mental state that allowed me to go batshit crazy on learning a thing. That would end in grand mal seizures. A lot of them. I suggest you avoid looking for videos if you want to have an idea of what a grand mal seizure is, stick to the text. Some people say it's really fucked up footage.
Now? Now I wait. There is a disgusting glimmer of hope - a surgery to cut out the epileptic node entirely, bit for that to happen the node needs to not be sitting in the wrong area, so that's what I do, I just sit and wait.
The meds have mutilated my brain already with depression, anxiety, and fuck knows what else.
I recall going to a vEEG where they really wanted to catch a grand mal on their scanners, so they took me off the meds cold turkey specifically to cause a massive shock in the body and have me rolling on the floor, seizing. It did work, but before that I suddenly felt... alive, for lack of a better word. It was like seeing new colors. My father noted my eyes glimmered the same way like twenty years ago when I was murdering my hands on the guitar when he came for a visit. He came again after the seizure, which he thankfully didn't witness. He didn't need to say anything, his facial expression was enough - my eyes were dead again.
Honestly, I hate this tiny glimmer of hope the hospital teases me with. On the one hand I wish they would indeed say that I'm fit for the surgery and bring the knives and drills out, but on the other hand, I wonder what would happen if they say I don't. I have roughly 1kg of SN, but no metro.
Sometimes I wonder - if I were to liquify it all and chug it, would it be enough, even with the vomiting?
I could've been the next Musk.
I was a bit batshit crazy as a (healthy) child - if I wanted to do a thing, there were only two possible outcomes: either the thing gets done, or I die trying. Literally. When I picked up the guitar, much like in the song "summer of 69", I practiced until my fingers bled.
When I got interested in C, I would juggle the guitar and the coding. I had to buy a lot of new keyboards back then.
When epilepsy hit, I still thought I could get into the learning zone, that mental state that allowed me to go batshit crazy on learning a thing. That would end in grand mal seizures. A lot of them. I suggest you avoid looking for videos if you want to have an idea of what a grand mal seizure is, stick to the text. Some people say it's really fucked up footage.
Now? Now I wait. There is a disgusting glimmer of hope - a surgery to cut out the epileptic node entirely, bit for that to happen the node needs to not be sitting in the wrong area, so that's what I do, I just sit and wait.
The meds have mutilated my brain already with depression, anxiety, and fuck knows what else.
I recall going to a vEEG where they really wanted to catch a grand mal on their scanners, so they took me off the meds cold turkey specifically to cause a massive shock in the body and have me rolling on the floor, seizing. It did work, but before that I suddenly felt... alive, for lack of a better word. It was like seeing new colors. My father noted my eyes glimmered the same way like twenty years ago when I was murdering my hands on the guitar when he came for a visit. He came again after the seizure, which he thankfully didn't witness. He didn't need to say anything, his facial expression was enough - my eyes were dead again.
Honestly, I hate this tiny glimmer of hope the hospital teases me with. On the one hand I wish they would indeed say that I'm fit for the surgery and bring the knives and drills out, but on the other hand, I wonder what would happen if they say I don't. I have roughly 1kg of SN, but no metro.
Sometimes I wonder - if I were to liquify it all and chug it, would it be enough, even with the vomiting?
Sweet Release
Experienced
- Nov 24, 2019
- 252
KadathianStr1d3r
Shattered Mannequin
- Nov 21, 2018
- 278
Yes very much so.
I could've been something as of right now and yet despite my tryings i only continue to fail while always never doing the things I want to do most.
I wanted to be famous as a director and writer, movies always had been my favorite group of friends.
Yet I didnt knew on where the hell to go and like some manchild simp I listened to my mothers demands to enroll in technical school, nobody knew what the hell I was good at so they gave me choice and just like some dumb blind kid not taking things seriously I chose the IT department.
Im about to turn 24 in a few weeks and I am on my third fucking try at becoming something not even remotrly similiar to what i want to be in life.
I am so close to just dropping everything and running the fck far away from this nightmare!
I cant take it and Im not sure I can atand being here any longer.
I could've been something as of right now and yet despite my tryings i only continue to fail while always never doing the things I want to do most.
I wanted to be famous as a director and writer, movies always had been my favorite group of friends.
Yet I didnt knew on where the hell to go and like some manchild simp I listened to my mothers demands to enroll in technical school, nobody knew what the hell I was good at so they gave me choice and just like some dumb blind kid not taking things seriously I chose the IT department.
Im about to turn 24 in a few weeks and I am on my third fucking try at becoming something not even remotrly similiar to what i want to be in life.
I am so close to just dropping everything and running the fck far away from this nightmare!
I cant take it and Im not sure I can atand being here any longer.
