Venting Does anyone else get anxiety seeing other people cross milestones?

[UserHussein]

In my college and I hang out in this building called the "center for counseling and well-being". The purpose of the building is to provide medical care and therapy to students, which is all located on the second floor of the building. On the first floor is the prayer room, where the Muslims go to perform Salah (ritual prayer). I'm not a Muslim, but I go there because there are couches to sit on, and I like to make tea and coffee.

This morning I went there and I see a woman wearing a chador, or abaya (please google to see what it looks like). It was an African/Black woman, and she was holding a child. The child was screaming, attempting to walk, and all the other veiled Muslim women were surrounding the child, cooing and awing at it.

I bring this up because the woman with the child, as well as the other women were either my age or younger, and many of the women who were admiring the child were already married. I recall a man I was sitting in the counseling and well-being center with, casually talking to him with coffee, casually mentioned that he was getting engaged. He was my age, I'm 21.

I as well have a female friend, she's 20, has a serious boyfriend for whom she has been seeing since the beginning of college and is getting engaged. She rents her own apartment, has had a string of jobs, and I'm yet to have any of these. To top it all off, she attends a University much more difficult to get into than mine.

No matter where I turn in my life, I'm behind. I'm behind in my academics, taking a year longer than most people at a school that is ranked rather low. Someone is completing there degrees much younger than me at a University that is much higher ranked. I'm 21 and never been in a serious romantic relationship, meanwhile someone younger than is has gone through the whole college hookup culture, has a string of ex girlfriends, and is in a committed and loving relationship. I've never had a serious professional job, someone younger than me is already employed at a well known company and earning thousands.

What the hell!?!?!? Why is this happening to me? Why am I so behind, no matter where I turn in life? Why is there not one field I'm exceeding in?

 

[vak]

I totally get where you're coming from, and I think it's something most of us go through because we tend to compare ourselves to others. If we could just stop doing that, our lives would be so much better.

But the truth is, it's really impossible to know for sure if we're behind, ahead, or exactly where we're supposed to be. What if the path they've chosen isn't the right one for them? Marrying too young, connecting with the wrong people because they didn't wait for better connections, missing out on better opportunities, and settling for jobs that aren't great due to a lack of life experience. What about the woman you saw with the child? What if she's in an abusive relationship because she wanted a baby as soon as possible, no matter what? You speak as though you know the answer, but you don't, experiencing something sooner is not always better.

Also, being 21 is really not the age to worry too much about these thoughts. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and I understand because I've been there; it does get better as you get older (until you get too old). But even then, getting older doesn't mean your life is over; it can be full of new beginnings. My mother had two children in her very late 40s (with a bit of help from medical science), studied in a new field, and finished university in her 40s. Now, in her late fifties, she's starting a new business and went from being a receptionist to a financial manager in her lifetime. And she did all this while dealing with two divorces and surviving an abusive relationship. Life's timeline might seem super tight right now because you're just starting your adult life, but you have decades ahead of you and you don't know what what they will bring. You can't plan a life, so what use is having a timeline anyway?

At the end of the day, we all just live our own lives, and looking around comparing doesn't really help. I know it's difficult, but you'll find your own way

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I understand what you mean. I just turned 21 not that long ago and I still live with my mom and my studies will probably end up taking longer because of my suspension. I've never been in a romantic relationship before and I'm still a virgin. I haven't even had my first kiss yet. While my peers are busy getting jobs and talking about their research opporunities and future job prospects, I'm just pretending to still be in school behind my family's back. So far, I've been spending most of my time just walking around the school, sitting down and watching stuff, cutting myself, and getting stoned at the park. I've come to accept the fact that I'm destined to always be behind my peers. It doesn't matter anyway since I hope to kill myself before the end of my fourth year at that stupid University.

If it makes you feel any better, in a lot of other countries around the world having a serious relationship and children around your early 20s is considered to be weird and isn't looked upon too fondly.

It's probably better to take some extra time with your studies and focus on yourself and your future career prospects rather than focusing on relationships and having children at a young age. Especially since children generally tend to do better with older parents around their late 20s to early 30s and over in comparison to young parents. Plus, you'll at least get to enjoy your youth to some extent.

 

[sserafim]

Yeah, but I never wanted any of those milestones for myself in the first place. I don't want a career or anything that society deems "successful" (partner, family, children, house etc). I've already graduated college, and tbh I didn't even think that I would live to graduate. I thought I was going to ctb before then. Having a bachelor's degree is enough for me. I don't want to be a real adult or enter the workforce. I would hate to have to work for a living. I just don't want to live out adulthood (and middle and old age). I feel like I was never meant to reach adulthood anyways. That's why I'm gonna ctb…

 

[Rockman]

What the hell!?!?!? Why is this happening to me? Why am I so behind, no matter where I turn in life? Why is there not one field I'm exceeding in?

Maybe because you're trying to compete with others instead of living your own life?

 

[ijustwishtodie]

When I was a kid, I used to always desire to want to win in everything and I'd get mad whenever I kept on losing (due to my autism).. which was basically all the time for me as my skills are basically non existent. As for now, though, I mainly just want to be dead though I have a feeling that the side of me who wants to win in everything is still there but only at a subconscious level. I still mainly want to be dead as I never wanted to live to begin with. There's nothing about existence that I enjoy and there never will be. It'd be better if I was permanently non existent

 

[LaVieEnRose]

If you're neurodivergent then that makes achieving conventional milestones so much harder. It's not your fault.

At 21 you still have plenty of time.

Marriage and children aren't that big accomplishments. All it takes is a drunken night in Vegas to get those. Not having them at 21 may have been odd in the year 1000 but not now.

Focus on completing college and starting your career. When that happens it won't matter that people started working before you.

 

[oneeyed]

Yup, feel like this all the time. In my late 30's and feel like a loser. Not for a lack of trying either, I have had a few different jobs but just recently in a field my actual study (I have two diplomas/degrees). No place of my own, no romantic relationship in many many years and don't see that changing. I'll never be able to retire. Between attempting ctb a couple of times, extreme anxiety, and a string of bad luck, I don't think I was destined for great things. Ain't life grand? Lol.

 

[UserHussein]

If you're neurodivergent then that makes achieving conventional milestones so much harder. It's not your fault.

I really want to get tested to see if I'm neurodivergent. if that's the case, then that would explain why I struggle so much with what others can do with ease.

 

[kwittywhiskerzz!..]

I understand what you mean. I just turned 21 not that long ago and I still live with my mom and my studies will probably end up taking longer because of my suspension. I've never been in a romantic relationship before and I'm still a virgin. I haven't even had my first kiss yet. While my peers are busy getting jobs and talking about their research opporunities and future job prospects, I'm just pretending to still be in school behind my family's back. So far, I've been spending most of my time just walking around the school, sitting down and watching stuff, cutting myself, and getting stoned at the park. I've come to accept the fact that I'm destined to always be behind my peers. It doesn't matter anyway since I hope to kill myself before the end of my fourth year at that stupid University.

If it makes you feel any better, in a lot of other countries around the world having a serious relationship and children around your early 20s is considered to be weird and isn't looked upon too fondly.

It's probably better to take some extra time with your studies and focus on yourself and your future career prospects rather than focusing on relationships and having children at a young age. Especially since children generally tend to do better with older parents around their late 20s to early 30s and over in comparison to young parents. Plus, you'll at least get to enjoy your youth to some extent.

I see you everywhere

 

[astonishedturnip]

Yes, and it really is at odds with the fact that I still feel like a teenager in many ways, and it hurts because time is passing SO fast. Feels like just yesterday I was 21 and surprised at seeing some old classmates already getting married/having kids -- felt way too soon. Now I'm pushing 30 and almost everyone I graduated with is married with a young family and I'm like, damn, that's where I'm supposed to be right now huh. (I've always wanted to get married and start a family so I'm not single/childless by choice) I've just wanted to be and feel "normal" during my life and that's never happened. The further I feel from these milestones, the more disconnected and isolated I feel from the regular human experience, and in turn it's getting harder to make friends because it's getting harder and harder for them to relate to me -- if they have any free time at all, since they're prioritizing their marriages/children/close friendships.

Makes me feel a bit like a crab in a bucket because I can't help feeling bitter when another friend announces they're pregnant, engaged, moving to a hip city, getting a great job, etc. But I keep it inside.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I see you everywhere

Uh, okay then...

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Anxiety? No, I have many other sources for that. Envy though I definitely feel a lot of.

 

[BringShameToFamily]

In my college and I hang out in this building called the "center for counseling and well-being". The purpose of the building is to provide medical care and therapy to students, which is all located on the second floor of the building. On the first floor is the prayer room, where the Muslims go to perform Salah (ritual prayer). I'm not a Muslim, but I go there because there are couches to sit on, and I like to make tea and coffee.

This morning I went there and I see a woman wearing a chador, or abaya (please google to see what it looks like). It was an African/Black woman, and she was holding a child. The child was screaming, attempting to walk, and all the other veiled Muslim women were surrounding the child, cooing and awing at it.

I bring this up because the woman with the child, as well as the other women were either my age or younger, and many of the women who were admiring the child were already married. I recall a man I was sitting in the counseling and well-being center with, casually talking to him with coffee, casually mentioned that he was getting engaged. He was my age, I'm 21.

I as well have a female friend, she's 20, has a serious boyfriend for whom she has been seeing since the beginning of college and is getting engaged. She rents her own apartment, has had a string of jobs, and I'm yet to have any of these. To top it all off, she attends a University much more difficult to get into than mine.

No matter where I turn in my life, I'm behind. I'm behind in my academics, taking a year longer than most people at a school that is ranked rather low. Someone is completing there degrees much younger than me at a University that is much higher ranked. I'm 21 and never been in a serious romantic relationship, meanwhile someone younger than is has gone through the whole college hookup culture, has a string of ex girlfriends, and is in a committed and loving relationship. I've never had a serious professional job, someone younger than me is already employed at a well known company and earning thousands.

What the hell!?!?!? Why is this happening to me? Why am I so behind, no matter where I turn in life? Why is there not one field I'm exceeding in?

In western countries, most people marry in their mid to late 20s.

 

[FireFox]

@UserHussein Yes I do get anxiety seeing other people cross milestones too just like you feel.Actually we are quite similar I can relete to your post a lot. Trust me you are not alone in this.

I am 26 and in my neighbourhood the people who attend the same church as me also attended the same secondary school as me. I see these people at church or other parts of my local community.

These people are either married or engaged in their 20s or have kids with their partners. Even those who do not attend the local church they also married in their 20s too.

I feel like an enormous loser because I have never had a boyfriend and I always get rejected by guys. I even get humiliated by the guys I loved. I have always been that girl now woman who no guy chases after and just always overlooks .

I feel so far behind and I think it is too late for me to meet a man.

I understand what you mean. I just turned 21 not that long ago and I still live with my mom and my studies will probably end up taking longer because of my suspension. I've never been in a romantic relationship before and I'm still a virgin. I haven't even had my first kiss yet. While my peers are busy getting jobs and talking about their research opporunities and future job prospects, I'm just pretending to still be in school behind my family's back. So far, I've been spending most of my time just walking around the school, sitting down and watching stuff, cutting myself, and getting stoned at the park. I've come to accept the fact that I'm destined to always be behind my peers. It doesn't matter anyway since I hope to kill myself before the end of my fourth year at that stupid University.

If it makes you feel any better, in a lot of other countries around the world having a serious relationship and children around your early 20s is considered to be weird and isn't looked upon too fondly.

It's probably better to take some extra time with your studies and focus on yourself and your future career prospects rather than focusing on relationships and having children at a young age. Especially since children generally tend to do better with older parents around their late 20s to early 30s and over in comparison to young parents. Plus, you'll at least get to enjoy your youth to some extent.

@EvisceratedJester Hey my depression started at aged 21 in my final year of university. I was suicidal and even my own close friend in my law class avoided me at university and got others too to avoid me at university just because I told her I was suicidal.

I still managed to graduate while my friend did not. She thought she was all that no longer wanting to hang out with the depressed werido.

I am 26 and still suicidal. My biggest regret is wasting my early 20s especially when lockdown happened months after I graduated from university.

21 is very young to turn it around. Actually graduating university late, dropping out or being held back a year is so much more common than you think. It is so sad as a society we can't discuss it more openly.

Don't feel bad. The problem with society is no one wants to admit their failings and constantly show off the best. We would be a much better as a society if we were more honest about our personal failures and how we overcome them. People would feel less alone and find hope things will change.

 

[wCvML2]

I get anxiety no matter where I am relative to others tbh. Whenever I got any "advantage" in life, like getting discharged from a mandatory military service at 18 - I was left with a constant urge to sabotage myself to be even with the level playing field and not feel like I got away. I didn't feel like I deserved to be free, so I punished myself a lot. Comparison will only make you miserable, always.

 

[FireFox]

I get anxiety no matter where I am relative to others tbh. Whenever I got any "advantage" in life, like getting discharged from a mandatory military service at 18 - I was left with a constant urge to sabotage myself to be even with the level playing field and not feel like I got away. I didn't feel like I deserved to be free, so I punished myself a lot. Comparison will only make you miserable, always.

@wCvML2 Do you live in Finland ? I heard that in Finland the government forces people to do military service especially young people.

I live the UK and there was massive panic a couple of months ago about being conscripted to fight Russia in an event Russia attacks UK. The panic came after some foolish ex army general went on sky news saying how the government might have to conscript members of the public to fight Russia. Members of the British public had a massive meltdown over the idea of being conscripted. The British public were saying things " I am not fighting" , " no one can make me fight"

It was so crazy there was even sections of the media saying how the UK should be like Finland that has military conscription. In the end the UK government had to step in and say there will no conscription because the public meltdown was that bad

I knew this conscription thing was never going to happen.

 

[Tobacco]

There's people younger than me finishing college degrees and it's baffling.

 

[eatantz]

My worst fear honestly, I'm hoping that i can learn to stop comparing myself to others

 

[Throwawayacc3]

Comparison is mainly from a point of status or materialism. This is true for the vast majority of people - in this situation you see other people's status (university / educational events) and that in turn leads on to materialism - buying shit they don't need to impress others.

The worst part in this is spawning some spiteful mutants - doesn't matter at what age. If you have children then those mutants will be your child's bully's and make their life a living hell. And this is impossible to stop.

I've been in employed work a short time (the majority of my work time was my own business which was stressful but not as bad as dealing with cunts everyday). I'm 35.

Ultimately all this educational shit is all guff. It makes 0 difference. You just need a contract and that will change your life. You think being a doctor or in a stem field is good? Our NHS - the doctors and GP are sick of the pay and hours and fucking hate it. Oh but their "social status" looks good.

Have rich parents, win the lottery or have some magical inheritance. Get a flat and don't interact too much with others - the vast majority have motives, want something, use you, gas light you, etc.

Religion is the biggest cope/delusion. Take it from someone who went to church non stop when I was young and ironically found out I have Jewish roots as well. It's all nonsense anyway. Don't worry - if you pray enough the almighty being or whatever it is will grant you your wishes. Ironically at lot of the time people wish for materialistic stuff lmao. Couldn't make it up.

 

[calebzz1]

Honestly not really, great question though.

Since my vision is messed up possibly for a long time I care less and less what other people think, the material doesn't matter as much.

I'm happy for people's accomplishments but if someone else is better than I with something, that's good for them!

Comparison is the thief of joy anyhow.