Discussion Does anyone else feel very bitter about having to CTB?

[Xaphous]

I feel angry that I may have to ctb because of isolation, but its also the treatment from other people that led me here and to lose my whole life. I would rather try to live but I've nearly lost all my 20s isolated and practically housebound, how am I supposed to recover from that?? I simply can't. Even if I could, which I don't now see how I can, I don't want to even enjoy 30s having lost all my 20s. I'm just angry and bitter from that.

 

[not_a_robot]

I'm hoping it's not just me. The closer I get to my CTB date, the more bitter I feel. Millions of people out there that don't have to come to forums like this. Millions of people preparing for a better life, while people like us have to prepare for death. Sometimes I'm happy because I think about how fucked up the world is, especially how fucked up it can be to people who never deserved it (i've met some amazing people on this site and it infuriates me they'd have to come here), and I think - well I don't want to be in this hellhole anyway. But then eventually I flip back to bitterness and I ponder.. why couldn't I have a 'normal' life like the millions of others that do? I keep going back and forth between acceptance and sadness/rage. Constantly asking myself, why me? Why us?

yes and no. My experiences that led me here have been absolutely horrific and I could choose to be bitter about it, except I've known since I was a baby that life on this planet would always be hopelessly unbearable for me, since early childhood that there would only be one way out, that I was like some mistake the universe would constantly be trying to correct by eliminating me. So I guess if anything I just see all the horrible things that have happened to me as a consequence of my lacking courage to CTB when I knew I should.

I'm not bitter about having to "leave the party early" because I knew the minute I arrived, I don't belong here.
If anything I'm just annoyed at myself for staying too long.

I feel angry that I may have to ctb because of isolation, but its also the treatment from other people that led me here and to lose my whole life. I would rather try to live but I've nearly lost all my 20s isolated and practically housebound, how am I supposed to recover from that?? I simply can't. Even if I could, which I don't now see how I can, I don't want to even enjoy 30s having lost all my 20s. I'm just angry and bitter from that.

Oh wow. My love of isolation is one of the few things that made it possible for me to last so long. Good luck.

 

[Xaphous]

yes and no. My experiences that led me here have been absolutely horrific and I could choose to be bitter about it, except I've known since I was a baby that life on this planet would always be hopelessly unbearable for me, since early childhood that there would only be one way out, that I was like some mistake the universe would constantly be trying to correct by eliminating me. So I guess if anything I just see all the horrible things that have happened to me as a consequence of my lacking courage to CTB when I knew I should.

I'm not bitter about having to "leave the party early" because I knew the minute I arrived, I don't belong here.
If anything I'm just annoyed at myself for staying too long.

Oh wow. My love of isolation is one of the few things that made it possible for me to last so long. Good luck.

I'm used to it but it's been hell, no social life at all and no relationships ever? how can anyone love that longterm

 

[GeorgeJL]

I could see myself feeling a little bit bitter if I don't overcome in life.

 

[not_a_robot]

I'm used to it but it's been hell, no social life at all and no relationships ever? how can anyone love that longterm

I have had enough of other peoples' company to know I'm not missing out on anything.
I was forced to pantomime a "social life" when I was young and it was always excruciating, same with any attempt at relationships. I hated it, only had them because society says we should. I cherish every moment of my own company. Other people pity me for being alone, and I pity them for participating in social nonsense.
I should add, it really helps that I infinitely prefer marijuana over human interaction. Doesn't work for everybody.

 

[Xaphous]

I have had enough of other peoples' company to know I'm not missing out on anything.
I was forced to pantomime a "social life" when I was young and it was always excruciating, same with any attempt at relationships. I hated it, only had them because society says we should. I cherish every moment of my own company. Other people pity me for being alone, and I pity them for participating in social nonsense.

You know, I have a feeling that If I had enough experiences to satisfy me and give enough reference, I would come back to my solitude with more appreciation so I get what you mean. I would never fit in with the average group of people and I'm at peace with that but there will be many I do and it annoys me to know that.

 

[not_a_robot]

You know, I have a feeling that If I had enough experiences to satisfy me and give enough reference, I would come back to my solitude with more appreciation so I get what you mean. I would never fit in with the average group of people and I'm at peace with that but there will be many I do and it annoys me to know that.

That is the saddest thing to me about the isolated people and virgins here. I just want to tell them, they're only longing for some thing that would only make them miserable in a different way than they already are. It's just social programming, trying to instill FOMO in everybody so we will keep breeding more consumers. It's a scam. If people could clearly see all the ways they're really being manipulated by societal constructs, they would never want to participate or bring kids into it.
At least when you are isolated there is a chance to keep your thoughts mostly your own. Being accepted into the social machine means you are limited to the thoughts society finds acceptable (like suicide is always wrong) at the risk of exclusion. Take control by excluding yourself first.
They can't "fire"you if you already quit!
Also I like browsing crime sites, to remind me how often people tend to murder people close to them. Puts things in perspective.
Whenever you think you're missing something by being alone, I recommend a marathon of true crime shows to remind you, most of the people who have what you're missing, aren't really any happier than you, and many would secretly envy your freedom, if you could learn to enjoy it.

Again, I could never have felt good enough to realize this stuff without weed, not saying it will help you, just reiterating, I had help reaching my peace in isolation.

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

Very.
And people, ableds cannot understand why. They Can look at EEG readings or MRI scans, but they will not actually feel epilepsy. It's the same as trying to explain purple to a blind guy with rgb values. He'll know the numbers, sure, but he'll never experience purple.
And I'm trapped as the blind guy for almost 15 years now.

 

[Xaphous]

That is the saddest thing to me about the isolated people and virgins here. I just want to tell them, they're only longing for some thing that would only make them miserable in a different way than they already are. It's just social programming, trying to instill FOMO in everybody so we will keep breeding more consumers. It's a scam. If people could clearly see all the ways they're really being manipulated by societal constructs, they would never want to participate or bring kids into it.
At least when you are isolated there is a chance to keep your thoughts mostly your own. Being accepted into the social machine means you are limited to the thoughts society finds acceptable (like suicide is always wrong) at the risk of exclusion. Take control by excluding yourself first.
They can't "fire"you if you already quit!
Also I like browsing crime sites, to remind me how often people tend to murder people close to them. Puts things in perspective.
Whenever you think you're missing something by being alone, I recommend a marathon of true crime shows to remind you, most of the people who have what you're missing, aren't really any happier than you, and many would secretly envy your freedom, if you could learn to enjoy it.

Again, I could never have felt good enough to realize this stuff without weed, not saying it will help you, just reiterating, I had help reaching my peace in isolation.

I never bought int other societal constructs, never been a sheep. Humans do need other humans though somewhat. Long periods of isolation is bad for mental health because we are wired to need social interactions. I just wish I had more experience or just a few people to interact with irl to keep my sanity then I'd be fine. I don't think I will ever marry, most marriages tend to fail anyway yeah. I know I will definitely never procreate, everyone is free to do that but It's not for me. I don't see any benefit to bringing another soul down here, and there are enough people here already.

Yeah weed has helped me too cope with being alone, but it's definitely better in moderation for me.

 

[not_a_robot]

I never bought int other societal constructs, never been a sheep. Humans do need other humans though somewhat. Long periods of isolation is bad for mental health because we are wired to need social interactions. I just wish I had more experience or just a few people to interact with irl to keep my sanity then I'd be fine. I don't think I will ever marry, most marriages tend to fail anyway yeah. I know I will definitely never procreate, everyone is free to do that but It's not for me. I don't see any benefit to bringing another soul down here, and there are enough people here already.

Yeah weed has helped me too cope with being alone, but it's definitely better in moderation for me.

Not all humans are hardwired to need social interaction, that's some shit sadistic shrinks made up to justify torturing babies in their experiments to "prove" it. The mental health industry's purpose is to control human behavior with myths like that, and squash anyone who doesn't conform (like autistics) as "ill". It's one of those "facts" used to manipulate you into feeling and wanting what society expects you to. That's part of the large scale manipulation of society I mentioned, you gotta get past some of that shit if you're gonna beat this depression. Good luck.

 

[dandan]

I feel angry that I may have to ctb because of isolation, but its also the treatment from other people that led me here and to lose my whole life. I would rather try to live but I've nearly lost all my 20s isolated and practically housebound, how am I supposed to recover from that?? I simply can't. Even if I could, which I don't now see how I can, I don't want to even enjoy 30s having lost all my 20s. I'm just angry and bitter from that.

I lost my 20's and my 30's !
im nearly 40, and I just have TODAY to make a fucking change, dont quit! or quit well, but lets not be in the middle like I've been so many damm years!!

 

[Scribble Fan]

I'm pretty bitter about being trapped here but I always fall back into apathy. I just don't have the energy left to care about other people's happy lives, my release will be suicide.

 

[Rukia]

I feel very bitter that I will have to drink liquid that is meant for injecting animals as my most humane option...WIth mental ilness only I will have hard time even with Dignitas though I emailed them...

 

[swan_song]

Sure, plenty of times. It mostly happens to me when I look at childhood pictures. I didn't have a perfect childhood cause I was an extremely anxious little kid, to the point of hyperventilating when having panic attacks, but still, I had a lot of happy moments and, most importantly, had hope for the future, even though it feels as if I've been born with a general sense of distrust in adults (might just be my fucked parents though).
So yeah, I get sad thinking of that little kid and I think it is very human to feel this way, despite of any philosophical beliefs about suicide or what have you.

Oh, also, where is your avatar photo from? It's really cool.