does anyone else feel really embarrassed writing a note?

[samsaragothands]

i've always been a very self-conscious person, and thinking about how what i write here is what my family will remember me by genuinely stresses me out. a note is all i really have to create as positive a memory as possible from something that will traumatize them forever, so every single sentence feels like a monumental exercise. i don't even know how to start. i've torn through dozens of drafts, and some of them start with hello. imagine losing your child and their last words to you sound like they're an amazon service representative. some of them are long, but then it becomes a question of how long, how much detail will i be giving you and how much of it will stir you up instead of put you at ease-- and some of them are short and concise, but i'm afraid to leave them with too many questions. going through my drafts is genuinely so embarrassing, especially since it's something i thought would be easy for something that has dominated the majority of my life, and it makes me wonder whether i should even leave a note.

 

[nobodyspecial]

i've always been a very self-conscious person, and thinking about how what i write here is what my family will remember me by genuinely stresses me out. a note is all i really have to create as positive a memory as possible from something that will traumatize them forever, so every single sentence feels like a monumental exercise. i don't even know how to start. i've torn through dozens of drafts, and some of them start with hello. imagine losing your child and their last words to you sound like they're an amazon service representative. some of them are long, but then it becomes a question of how long, how much detail will i be giving you and how much of it will stir you up instead of put you at ease-- and some of them are short and concise, but i'm afraid to leave them with too many questions. going through my drafts is genuinely so embarrassing, especially since it's something i thought would be easy for something that has dominated the majority of my life, and it makes me wonder whether i should even leave a note.

It sounds like you really want to leave some sort of note for closure in a way for them. I've struggled with writing my note. I have a few drafts on my phone but still haven't settled on the right tone so don't feel bad.

You mentioned you were worried about leaving them with too many questions by being short and concise. Might I suggest thinking of 2-3 questions that they would ask or something just to get an authentic tone to the note? If you haven't tried that approach already, of course.

Again, I understand the difficulty in finding the right words. I hope you're able to eventually put together a note that you feel will help them understand in the end.

 

[sully]

I absolutely undestand you. I have no idea about what I could say.

 

[Jumping_realms]

I'm sorry you are struggling with this.

Most of the notes I've written just make it as clear as possible nothing is anyone's fault and nothing could have been done. That still will never be good enough for them in my eyes, but it's the best I can really do.

 

[samsaragothands]

You mentioned you were worried about leaving them with too many questions by being short and concise. Might I suggest thinking of 2-3 questions that they would ask or something just to get an authentic tone to the note? If you haven't tried that approach already, of course.

i think rationally that's the best approach, and i'll probably just stick to that. it's kind of you to offer it. i tend to overthink and wonder if by being rational and really planning everything out i'm being impersonal and inorganic, but i'm coming closer to accepting the fact that a note won't really absolve me of the pain i inflict by ending my life and that it'll have to be imperfect in some ways too.

 

[CiproKilledMe]

Really the only thing keeping me back from ctb is that I haven't yet perfected my letter to my family, but I'm too damn beaten down to do it. It's like the most depressing book report I've ever had to write.

 

[nobodyspecial]

i think rationally that's the best approach, and it's kind of you to offer it. i tend to overthink and wonder if by being rational and really planning everything out i'm being impersonal and inorganic, but i'm coming closer to accepting the fact that a note won't really absolve me of the pain i inflict by ending my life and that it'll have to be imperfect in some ways too.

I'm glad I was able to help at least a little. That's a good mindset to have with the note. Just try to think of it as easing the pain as much as possible because of course there'll still be some pain there no matter how well the note explains everything.

 

[samsaragothands]

Most of the notes I've written just make it as clear as possible nothing is anyone's fault and nothing could have been done. That still will never be good enough for them in my eyes, but it's the best I can really do.

i resonate with this. i think i went into the note-writing process a little naive and expecting this to end (in the immortal words of mitski) clean and pretty, but it really is about settling and hoping whoever reads it understands. i know it's not much, but i hope that will be the case for you.

Really the only thing keeping me back from ctb is that I haven't yet perfected my letter to my family, but I'm too damn beaten down to do it. It's like the most depressing book report I've ever had to write.

i hope it's okay that i laughed at the book report part that's very true, and i'm sorry you feel beaten down, i relate to that a lot. i wish i had someone chronicling my life for me attenborough-style so i could just cite excerpts and be done with it.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yeah, I think for me it is hard to put my thoughts into words and get all the points across that I am trying to say. I just hope mine will act as some sort of closure I guess.

 

[IWantToSleep]

I'm not at the note writing stage yet, still have to try a couple more methods of recovery that probably won't work and then I'll be ready.

 

[LittleJem]

I wrote a note yesterday. It's mainly saying it's no-one's fault and it's my choice. And some thank you/goodbyes.

 

[Lost Magic]

I think the most important thing in a note is to tell the people you love that you are at peace and there is nothing else they could have done. Just keep it simple, I say.

 

[Dear Agony]

I don't know if I'm going to leave a note at all... My mom already knows everything, and I think that's all that matters. But I know she won't be satisfied and will want more answers - I even thought of leaving just a picture, a poem or a list of songs. But ultimately I settled for leaving vaguer things for the other people in my life. I think my mom genuinely deserves a note. But like you, I don't know how to start, and all the notes I try to write are just cringe when I read them again and again. I might be overthinking it, but it's the last thing my mom will ever read/hear from me.

 

[Rhaiyne]

i've always been a very self-conscious person, and thinking about how what i write here is what my family will remember me by genuinely stresses me out. a note is all i really have to create as positive a memory as possible from something that will traumatize them forever, so every single sentence feels like a monumental exercise. i don't even know how to start. i've torn through dozens of drafts, and some of them start with hello. imagine losing your child and their last words to you sound like they're an amazon service representative. some of them are long, but then it becomes a question of how long, how much detail will i be giving you and how much of it will stir you up instead of put you at ease-- and some of them are short and concise, but i'm afraid to leave them with too many questions. going through my drafts is genuinely so embarrassing, especially since it's something i thought would be easy for something that has dominated the majority of my life, and it makes me wonder whether i should even leave a note.

Im wondering if any note we leave, no matter our intentions to alleviate guilt and try to make it easier for others, they will still feel what they feel. I think i will just write from the heart... just to those who mean something to me. My brother left a note... very nice one... all things considered but my mother will always blame herself even with him saying it isn't her fault. It is what it is unfortunately. I think I will just tell those I love simply that... that i am so sorry and that I love them.

 

[Lost Magic]

Im wondering if any note we leave, no matter our intentions to alleviate guilt and try to make it easier for others, they will still feel what they feel. I think i will just write from the heart... just to those who mean something to me. My brother left a note... very nice one... all things considered but my mother will always blame herself even with him saying it isn't her fault. It is what it is unfortunately. I think I will just tell those I love simply that... that i am so sorry and that I love them.

Damn, your brother killed himself and you are going to do the same? Man, this is going to break your mother's heart doubly. Sorry to say.

 

[Rhaiyne]

Damn, your brother killed himself and you are going to do the same? Man, this is going to break your mother's heart doubly. Sorry to say.

Yeah... I do realise that... one of my emotions I cannot reconcile with my actions. She is a strong woman. She has been through a lot but she knows and is equipped to survive as shitty as that sounds. Perhaps that's my excuse to make it okay for me.... how else do I try to align my emotions....

 

[Lost Magic]

Yeah... I do realise that... one of my emotions I cannot reconcile with my actions. She is a strong woman. She has been through a lot but she knows and is equipped to survive as shitty as that sounds. Perhaps that's my excuse to make it okay for me.... how else do I try to align my emotions....

My brother died young from an accident. My mother died of cancer 2 years ago, I miss her like crazy but I did feel suicidal even when she was healthier. I couldn't allow her to lose another child. That's just me though. I can go anytime I choose now because have no dependents.

 

[Rhaiyne]

My brother died young from an accident. My mother died of cancer 2 years ago, I miss her like crazy but I did feel suicidal even when she was healthier. I couldn't allow her to lose another child. That's just me though. I can go anytime I choose now because have no dependents.

I'm sorry for the losses you have suffered. I do wrestle with it... all... the... time.... but always living for someone else.... ? It becomes more and more difficult...

 

[Lost Magic]

I'm sorry for the losses you have suffered. I do wrestle with it... all... the... time.... but always living for someone else.... ? It becomes more and more difficult...

Yeah, it's been hell. Thanks for your concern. Well, do what is right for you. I was just sharing my feelings on the matter, but you are the captain of your own vessel. Best wishes to you.

 

[Rhaiyne]

Yeah, it's been hell. Thanks for your concern. Well, do what is right for you. I was just sharing my feelings on the matter, but you are the captain of your own vessel. Best wishes to you.

Thank you for the honesty of your feelings.... thats what I hope to gain around here... plain, honesty....

 

[Tomoko]

I know exactly the way you feel.
I remember writing an entire page and a half about a year ago. Then I read it back and realised I left many holes, as well as made myself look silly in some regards. Still haven't found a good way to write what I want to write.

 

[seabed]

I know what you mean. I've never been able to figure out in what tone to write it in.

 

[Tomo]

I wasted several pages over the years trying to find a good way to describe how I felt. But it just never worked out and I kept it to being vague and asking for simple requests after I would be found. I don't feel quite as intense about it today but I still don't think I could find the words for something like that.

 

[catdaddy2601]

Yeah... I really want mine to be straight to the point ...

 

[aviation]

It is also very important to me, to leave a note and to make it right and true, leave closure for them, and do everything I can to leave them with good memories before I go, do everything I can to, while it is impossible to ease the pain, provide them with closure and my feelings on why I am choosing this, and that it is my choice - instead of leaving them with questions and nothing but blame. So I understand your feelings on this very well. It is an involved process and not an easy one.

This might help some of you: https://web.archive.org/web/20190328070337/https://archive.ashspace.org/ashbusstop.org/Note.html

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

I need to find a delayed email service.

 

[Lost Magic]

I need to find a delayed email service.

gmail has a delayed function. That's what I will be using.

 

[Anonymous_A]

Majority of people who ctb don't even leave a note

 

[Cant go back]

Yes I would feel embarrassed. I wouldn't know what to say to make people understand or make them feel less sh*tty. If I leave anything it would just be a one liner like "I wanted this".
The way I see it is that there is nothing I could say that would ease the pain of my suicide (if anyone cared that much to begin with), so why bother with a long note.

 

[Lost Magic]

Yes I would feel embarrassed. I wouldn't know what to say to make people understand or make them feel less sh*tty. If I leave anything it would just be a one liner like "I wanted this".
The way I see it is that there is nothing I could say that would ease the pain of my suicide (if anyone cared that much to begin with), so why bother with a long note.

yep, you have a good point.