Does anyone else feel guilty for being suicidal?

[goldenvirginia]

The guilt is overwhelming sometimes. Makes it hard to breathe.

 

[tiredplant777]

The guilt is overwhelming sometimes. Makes it hard to breathe.

me too <3 I am sorry

 

[eryu]

I felt guilty for almost all my feelings for most of my life, including wanting to die.
I finally don't anymore although I still feel dull pangs of shame.

I would challenge anyone who would try to judge me (hypothetical people, I know none of you would) to live with my anxiety disorder for a month and then see if they don't become suicidal themselves. That state of being is simply unlivable.

When I fixed (parts of) my social anxiety for the first time after living with it for over a decade, it was unreal. I felt a lot of anger toward people who made light of it. For years I had listened to them and told myself "it's not that bad" and finally I could see clearly that it had been terrible beyond imagining...and made even worse because I was gaslighted until I felt like a bad person for acknowledging (much less speaking about) what I knew to be true.
Even the more understanding people were often patronizing. It's been said before but always bears repeating: they really just don't get it.

 

[Hurt]

No. Why should I feel guilty for wanting to leave a world I didn't ask to come? Maybe people who loves me will miss me but everyday is hard to live.

 

[Someone123]

There is some guilt resulting from knowing that if I had taken a different approach to certain problems when I was younger things could have turned out a lot better; this is tempered by knowing I was born into a horrible situation, much worse than most.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

No. Why should I feel guilty for wanting to leave a world I didn't ask to come? Maybe people who loves me will miss me but everyday is hard to live.

Agreed. Why should I feel guilty for a decision someone else made for me? No one asks to be born. I am just the product of two selfish and negligent people. Why should I stick around and suffer just to spare some discomfort for them?

 

[Sprite_Geist]

I used to feel guilty, but not anymore. Not too long ago I decided that I am not going to take responsibility for other peoples feelings, and I am not in control of their emotions either - they are. Why do I think this? I have experienced a lot of rejection throughout my life, and it has caused me much pain and frustration, but if I was to actually blame other people for that pain then it would be considered manipulative. So by this logic why should it be acceptable for others to blame me for "making" them guilty and pained after I die? It should work both ways.

 

[ket]

sometimes i feel guilty when i tell people. they were never going to have the magic words to stop it, but i imagine they'll feel like they could have done more.

though some of them really could've.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

More like shame. Shame in that I'm 100% responsible for this outcome (though wiring must have been tweaked in those babyhood years.)
I was given every opportunity. And I found a way to sabotage everyone of them. Opportunities in school. Professional opportunities.
While it was happening, I was strangely unaware. I would get overwhelmed with anxiety and feelings of inferiority,when challenged and always find a way to wreck what I was doing or quit, always finding a way to blame somebody else. Straight through from the beginning and up until now.

 

[Zotz101]

More like shame. Shame in that I'm 100% responsible for this outcome (though wiring must have been tweaked in those babyhood years.)
I was given every opportunity. And I found a way to sabotage everyone of them. Opportunities in school. Professional opportunities.
While it was happening, I was strangely unaware. I would get overwhelmed with anxiety and feelings of inferiority,when challenged and always find a way to wreck what I was doing or quit, always finding a way to blame somebody else. Straight through from the beginning and up until now.

Holy shit I feel the same. Every opportunity! Loving family, expensive private school, above average memory.

I haven't fucked things up yet but the matter of the fact is that I am well on that trajectory. I have friends but I doubt 90% of them even like me! I bet most of them just pity me. I should probably leave them alone so they don't have to play the charade anymore. How can someone like me equipped with such lovely resources end up so terrible, I truly wonder…

Feel you stranger

 

[YMN]

More like shame. Shame in that I'm 100% responsible for this outcome (though wiring must have been tweaked in those babyhood years.)
I was given every opportunity. And I found a way to sabotage everyone of them. Opportunities in school. Professional opportunities.
While it was happening, I was strangely unaware. I would get overwhelmed with anxiety and feelings of inferiority,when challenged and always find a way to wreck what I was doing or quit, always finding a way to blame somebody else. Straight through from the beginning and up until now.

Holy shit I feel the same. Every opportunity! Loving family, expensive private school, above average memory.

I haven't fucked things up yet but the matter of the fact is that I am well on that trajectory. I have friends but I doubt 90% of them even like me! I bet most of them just pity me. I should probably leave them alone so they don't have to play the charade anymore. How can someone like me equipped with such lovely resources end up so terrible, I truly wonder…

Feel you stranger

This hit me harder than any personal attack ever could. I feel you both so hard. I know mental illness isn't a competition, but I can't help but feel like I have no good reason to be the way that I am. Especially compared to some people I've met irl and online. Good family, good neighborhood, good schools, so why am I suicidal and unable to function as an adult? So many missed and ruined opportunities, letting so many people down, having no ambitions or talents and floundering at everything... Why am I like this.

 

[Zotz101]

View attachment 81933
This hit me harder than any personal attack ever could. I feel you both so hard. I know mental illness isn't a competition, but I can't help but feel like I have no good reason to be the way that I am. Especially compared to some people I've met irl and online. Good family, good neighborhood, good schools, so why am I suicidal and unable to function as an adult? So many missed and ruined opportunities, letting so many people down, having no ambitions or talents and floundering at everything... Why am I like this.

Yeah, right? When I read the stories of people on this thread it makes me feel absolutely terrible for feeling the way that I do. I mean, their lives are horrible... I feel an immense amount of guilt for desiring death over life conditions that most people would dream of. In my experience, that is almost the worst part.

 

[ihatemylife]

Absolutely not.. Anyone who lives with the kind of physical pain I do would have ended it years ago. Spent well over $100,000 on Dr trying to get relief with zero relief. . The medical community has completely failed me. Had to resort to street drugs when Drs would not provide relief and had never used an illegal drug in my life before illness. . I have handled the situation 100% on my own with no help from anyone. I don't owe a single soul anything. I will feel 100% guilt free when I go.