does anyone else feel 100% certain about ctb then switch to feeling there is hope

[Unattainable666]

Yes, so many times and I absolutely HATE that feeling.

 

[InaudibleEcho]

It's less having hope that things can get better nowadays and more "I'd have to tell soooo many people that I'm gonna CTB so they don't talk to me when I'm actually dead cuz that would be sooo embarrassinggg" or "but I already prepared for art fight and there's a chance an artist I like could draw one of my OCs!" And more kinda meaningless stuff like that.

 

[lna_]

I finally came to terms with being certain i want to ctb a few weeks ago. I just don't see myself being able to keep going with the 9-5 cycle and my health issues for decades longer until I finally die of natural causes. So may as well get it over with quick than drag it out.

But I have ups and downs with the planning part. If I didnt have a partner, I would ctb asap but i feel so much guilt with how my death will affect him. Also I think about what a burden it will be to deal with my body and all the other things you need to take care of after someone dies. I hate that suicide is so regulated there's no opportunity to do it in a humane way for loved ones.

Some days like today I feel a lot better and start to think maybe I can hold out for a few years and save up to go the Pegasos/Dignitas route and then I could actually not catch everyone off guard and they would take care of my body and ashes for them. But most days are bad days and it feels unbearable just to make it through the month.

 

[PinkyStat]

Not really, recently i have met again with my friends and felt like i was enjoying it but i was still hopeless even though i was having a little bit of fun

 

[Clut]

For me, its not so much that I feel hope but I suddenly feel really good and forget about being suicidal until the darkness comes back and then I want it again fully. In those times I recognise that there are better times to be had but I'm happy to sacrifice the good times to completely abolish the bad times. Especially as the bad times often happen as the result of some foolish behaviour of mine when I've felt on my A game. So I do need to do this, but I don't feel like it 24/7-365 I think is what I'm trying to say

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I feel certain about CTB, then i think to myself "maybe i can last a little longer if i get a relationship". But then i remember that there is way too much going against me for that, so i decide that it is better to ctb asap rather than put it off.

There is no hope for things to get me to completely decide against ctb.

 

[FadingDawn]

Mood honestly. I find this very relatable.

 

[lachrymost]

Only really when I'm high AF / drunk. If I could be drunk all the time maybe life would be halfway bearable.

 

[EndJstifiesTheMeans]

Everyday

 

[EndJstifiesTheMeans]

Still regret everytime didnt ctb, but i dont have a good method, painless, safe and peaceful, so im forced to live

 

[Alltheywanted]

This is how I would describe my life for the last 6 months. Antidepressants and therapy gave me this shitty false hope and i hate it.

 

[Namensjemand]

I came to the conclusion that I can do everything I have to do in 2 years. If in those 2 years I cant manage to feel better, Ill ctb. Ive been struggling with indecisiveness for about 8 years, im tired of nothing changing, so I finally decided 2 years should be enough to fully decide and enjoy every second before I take off.

I like that philosophy. I never actually tried/lived, so I accepted now I will have to, at least for a bit. Constantly switching between hope and despair. The fire is still there. But so much seems unbearable. But I am getting more stable by the day it seems.

 

[pyroxenic]

This is most likely a BPD thing, but i go through 100 different emotions in span of 24 hours every day. I would be in agony and praying to God to kill me in my sleep and make plans to CTB and then 1 hour later i would be fine and act like i wasnt gonna kms 1 hour ago, and the cycle continues. Im mostly staying alive rn (even though its torture) because 99% suicide methods are not easilt avaible or they arent that much effective. Though the moment assisted suicide is legalized in Europe for mental illnesses im 100% taking that route immediatelly. For now i cling to tiny hope i have even if the want to CTB is back in my mind constantly. So yeah i feel you.

 

[MiraiShisen]

you can never be certain, I wanna do so many things in life and I fcking can not :( I am left with impossible options... suffer with pain or die and end it all. I dont wanna choose but I have to, its like playing some kind of game where you have to choose between two stupid options with one worse than other, and I just wanna live happy life because I love my life I just hate my health situation I even love my body despite it is not healthy but its mine, its part of me :( How can I be certain? I will never be up to my last moment when I CTB myself because I am full of dreams, passion, inside me is big flame that can not be extinguished I am full of emotions I am passionate about so little things everyone take as normal.... If this place is Matrix then I am connected very well... I would be willing to defend this "system" but I have to disconnect from it tho I love it. If I were in Matrix I would choose blue pill not red one. I hate life how it works how it is cruel and at the same time I love it.... is not this insane? I am afraid to do it, to end it all, its like jump to unknown to forget everything I have experienced... I am just sad really sad :( Hope this all has a meaning otherwise this shit should not exist at all, it would be better.

 

[Galaxie76]

My problem right now is that I could have new hope again, because a lot has changed for the better in my life in the last few weeks. But I realize how much I refuse to hope again, because I'm afraid of being disappointed and hurt again... On the one hand, I want to hope again and get my old energy and joie de vivre back, but it also seems more comforting to me to just end everything. Despite all the positive things, I feel like I don't have the strength to fight for anything