Discussion does anybody else like being depressed

[marksofdespair]

At times I feel kind of proud of my depression. I like being broken and fucked in the head; it makes me who I am. I feel like I express myself through my depression with my fashion sense, my music taste, my humor, my style and interests. I've been depressed so long it's like a personality trait at this point. Sometimes, I like crying and thinking about how much I'm suffering. That I'm a horrible person; I deserve this pain since I ruined my own life. I almost want to be this way forever and never heal.

I just know that realistically, that is not a feasible option at all. I'm extremely depressed and manic, I can't stay chaotic, crazy, and unmedicated forever without having an extreme desire to commit suicide.


Of course, sometimes I have just wished I could be normal and happy like others.

 

[perishsong]

I've been depressed so long it's like a personality trait at this point.

I can relate a lot. It's embedded in the very core of who I am. It's scary to imagine life without depression and simultaneously it's an infinitely dense burden. I'm sorry for all the suffering your depression inflicted upon you.

 

[Proceed]

For a long time I used to be like this.

 

[unluckysadness]

It reminds me Harold in the movie "Harold & Maude". Great movie

 

[twistedtransistor47]

I get it. I've been depressed for so long now being depressed is almost comforting. It's like I'm scared to be happy and healthy because I don't know what it's like. I don't want to lose my "Well if it ever gets too bad I can just kill myself"

 

[somethingisntreal]

There's this twisted comfort in being depressed that I can't quite put into words.

 

[Forveleth]

Hell no. I hate being a non-functional person. Depression has stolen so much from me over the decades. It is why I harbor so much anger towards my parents who did absolutely nothing to get me help when I told them I was suicidal as a teen and very obviously had problems. I could have had such a good life.

 

[Terrible_Life]

Depression to me feels like a monster that is always following you and it just waits for the best moment in which you're the most vulnerable and then it'll attack you. Its evil and a torture. Depression makes the same walking route for you 1000x more difficult than it'd be for a healthy person

 

[U. A.]

Do you like being depressed? It doesn't really sound like it from the actual post.

 

[kuroshimi]

I guess at some point you get used to it.
As far as I can remember, I have always been depressed. It seems like it's just a part of who am I.

 

[Delusion]

I only like being depressed when I'm lethargic and bedrotting. Trying to function outside of that isn't fun.

 

[Gangrel]

i'm just so used to it that not being depressed feels alien to me

 

[cakedog]

I think my loneliness is a huge core of my personality and like you it makes me who i am
but the reason i'm ctb isn't because of that kind of depression you know like the typical shut-in neet who oversleeps, eats ramen and watches anime all day
it's more of a nausea or very uncomfortable feeling that i really want to get rid of

 

[whyyyyyyyy]

Yes, in a weird way I feel like being cynical gives me a cool, sorta "realist" perspective, and in a way disappointed less often than happy people. If you expect the worst, and are not accustomed to joy and happiness, then it's less of a disturbance when life is hard. Whereas if you're a happy optimistic person, the inevitable awfulness of life must hit them like a real rollercoaster. No joy, no misery. If you are a happy person with a "great" life, that basically entails the suckiness of losing all that, which is inevitable. So that's a kind of suffering. At least if you embrace misery, there's no surprises, it's weirdly more satisfying because at least it's stable and you can rest in that, weirdly.

Sorta like this quote: "In their quest for happiness, people mistake excitement of the mind for real happiness." - Sayadaw U Pandita.

So maybe in a strange way, a depressed person's life could have less suffering (i.e. push and pull/conflict/anticipation/disappointment) than a person with a seemingly "great" life.

That all being said, my life, in objective terms is pretty crappy in many ways, and I'm definitely missing out on a lot of stuff. Many people literally look at my life and think of it as so low as to consider practically as good as dead, to them. But you never know what goes on in the mind of any other, and you can never compare. Dead to you, alive to me. But yeah I wish I could just be happy.