Does anybody else feel this way?

[ceus]

Hey there wonderful people :)

I've recently had an insight with major implications for my perception of the world and society.

Since I've been a small child I was told I am something special.
And for the longest time I have believed it.
I held a deep grudge against society;
It's flawed institutional structures, education, social equality and exploitation.
I was convinced that I knew it better. That I was better.
I thought if I only was president of the world everything would flourish.
I thought that any topic I engaged with was understood more deeply by me than most other humans on earth.

And as weird as this sounds this stupid conviction that I had was simultaneously my downfall and redemption.
It put the pressure on me to be the one understanding everything and spreading this understanding.
I had a purpose and it was important.

In hindsight this is an obvious illusion.
But it took years for me to understand this and I finally did so only because I was fortunate enough to work with and talk to some very caring, intelligent and resourceful people.

Once I honestly tried to come up with original insight and solutions I was quickly confronted with the error of my ways.
I was not as competend and knowledgeable as I thought I was; not as driven and creative.

I am nothing special.
I am just another speck of dust doing Sysiphos's work, to no avail... and I wasn't even good at it.

I understood that many, many more people than I could've ever imagined are fighting hard to make the world and themselves better.
Every day, fighting to know more, be more capable and do good for those around them.

There are people who have understood a thousendfold of that what I ever could.
And the world is still as it is.

And so everything I've build my identity around shattered.

I did not hold the key for change and salvation in my hand. I was just another human.

And as paradoxical as that may sound I'm kinda dissapointed and at the same time won a ton of respect for all hardworking humans around me.


Yet I suffer every day and ain't nothing special... what is so important about me? Why should I need to continue ?

Have any of you felt this way before?
Can somebody relate?


PS:

I know this might be a huge source of antipathy for some people.
But I'm tired lying about myself and my past.
Yes I was self-righteous and megalomanic.
I did belittle the skills and knowledge of other people.

But in the end I accepted I was wrong and I'm sorry for who I was.
So if you have the grace in your heart to forgive this, I would be more than thankful <3

 

[Pluto]

Having worked with children in the past, there has been a big shift in recent decades away from pushing this sort of false positivity. The antiquated theory behind making children feel superior was based on knowing that low self-esteem leads to poor outcomes in terms of wellbeing, relationships and contributions. (You might note the irony of this given your current predicament.)

Modern approaches simply banish the concept of good/bad or superior/inferior as they are inherently harmful. Telling a child they are 'good' implies there is a fear of being 'bad', which combined with the quirks of explanatory style can sow the seeds of depression. It can also set up narcissism and abuse by dehumanising others. Even when responding to a child's latest painting, it should never be called 'good' but instead find some nuance (say, the colours) to compliment and then encourage some direction for the next project.

There is wisdom to the words of Shakespeare: Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

It is awful that you are experiencing first-hand the consequences of ignorant caregivers. In my case, Nfather had some theory about oversheltering being bad for children and used that to rationalise neglect and abuse. The road to hell is paved with good (and bad) intention. If all this whets your appetite to explore the truth of yourself, the first thing to know is that there is no such thing as special or not-special, important or unimportant. Is that good news or bad news?

 

[jodes2]

Yeah, I knew since I was 20, 21 years ago, after failing my degree, that I'm nothing special. Failing 3 more just cemented it. There's not much I can contribute to this world. SIGH! I got three A's at A-level which had my confidence up in earlier years though, but it was short lived. I'm just terrible with people, my maths skills have diminished enormously, my memory is almost non existent, my tolerance for frustration is rock bottom. I'm not good at solving any problems. But for some reason, I keep on going

 

[blissfulbacon]

I was also constantly told I was special and intelligent and I believed it for a long time because I used to do well socially and academically, but then I got depressed and my grades slipped, my anxiety rose and I lost all my "speciallness". I remember being so judgemental of people who couldn't perform as well as me and I believe in a way that my fall from grace was some sort of divine intervention to prevent me (and my parents) from becoming more narcissistic and egotistical . I think we have to accept the fact that there are people out there who will do incredible, world altering things and that those people may be our peers. However, I don't think we should stop trying to join their ranks and throw in the towel (as tempting as that is sometimes) or live in envy of them. It's hard but the sooner we stop believing in the delusion that we are special, the less stressful life gets because you aren't constantly miserable about not achieving. We may not be able to make the massive difference we thought we could make but we can make a small one and I think seeing it as my duty to do something of importance no matter how small has it is has removed the feeling of inadequacy that has long plagued me :).
I'm glad you made this thread because I haven't read anything as relatable as this in a long time.

 

[VioletNight]

Feels like you could be writing this about me. I feel it has also made me set unrealistic expectation for myself in everything that I do, even if I surpass what is expected I'm still disappointed as it wasn't up to my mind's ridiculous standards.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Honestly, no- I was never given the impression that I was intelligent- because I wasn't especially! My 'specialness' was more abstract than that. My parents were told they couldn't have children- so, I was more randomly special. Then, my Mum died and I think it helped my Dad to keep going because he felt he had to be there for me. Kind of feels even worse being labelled 'special' when it's through no special qualities of your own! Just for being born- which is something I actually feel pretty resentful of!

What I did however fall for- hook, line and sinker- was the notion I think that they try and impart on you at school- that- if you only work hard- you'll succeed in life. I suppose the odds increase if you work hard. I suppose they can't really tell you the truth- that- even if you give your all- you can still fail. That's been an unpleasant pill to swallow though.

I think you've done amazingly well to accept your limitations though. Plenty of people don't even do that. It's not your fault you were given an inflated view of yourself. It must have been really hard coming to terms with it.

Maybe I'm super cynical but I wonder how many of the REALLY clever people out there are trying to change the world for the better anyhow. No doubt some are- but it can go the other way too! Clever people still need to earn money. Not all companies are 'good', not all inventions or ideas turn out to be all that good in the long run. I wonder how many people compromise their morals to pursue or continue in a particular job they excel in.

 

[BornHated]

Honestly, no- I was never given the impression that I was intelligent- because I wasn't especially! My 'specialness' was more abstract than that. My parents were told they couldn't have children- so, I was more randomly special. Then, my Mum died and I think it helped my Dad to keep going because he felt he had to be there for me. Kind of feels even worse being labelled 'special' when it's through no special qualities of your own! Just for being born- which is something I actually feel pretty resentful of!

What I did however fall for- hook, line and sinker- was the notion I think that they try and impart on you at school- that- if you only work hard- you'll succeed in life. I suppose the odds increase if you work hard. I suppose they can't really tell you the truth- that- even if you give your all- you can still fail. That's been an unpleasant pill to swallow though.

I think you've done amazingly well to accept your limitations though. Plenty of people don't even do that. It's not your fault you were given an inflated view of yourself. It must have been really hard coming to terms with it.

Maybe I'm super cynical but I wonder how many of the REALLY clever people out there are trying to change the world for the better anyhow. No doubt some are- but it can go the other way too! Clever people still need to earn money. Not all companies are 'good', not all inventions or ideas turn out to be all that good in the long run. I wonder how many people compromise their morals to pursue or continue in a particular job they excel in.

I feel like the dichotomy of "you can do your best and still fail" vs "some really clever people are out there, but they don't use their powers for good" is a good summary of my own parents, lol.
My father passed away from overwork and he was the one who did his utmost with his incredible work ethic, but was always tired; Contrast with my mother who's probably a narcissist and is living comfortably despite her spotty work history. She's very good at figuring out how to manage the people who have to live with her- ensuring it's never at her expense.

 

[magicbus77]

Great thread op.well written

I also believe their are so many illusions we are told our whole life that it's just a way to keep most sane instead of being like "wait this is all bullshit" lol

Enjoyed the post by all.very well written by all (smart bastards lol I still write like I'm in elementary school)