Discussion Does anybody else feel if they don’t ctb, you’ll die a painful and horrible death?

[Circles]

Now I don't know if it's just because I'm scared of the possibility cause I've came close to it before but I always hated the thought that you could die horribly in so many painful ways and without any control whatsoever. Car crashes and the thought of being mangled/torn to pieces (which I've came close with a semi truck), debilitating diseases, tortured, murdered, eaten alive by animals, burning alive, a death that resembles something out of a final destination movie, etc. So much senseless suffering and for what exactly I dont know but it makes me think that we're here just to suffer and to have that be the last thing you'd feel is the cherry on top of a hurtful existence. Atleast with suicide there's control to have even though there's the possibility of a botched attempt and end up just as bad but whatever.

 

[salibu]

I've thought this many times. Like I'm gonna have awful karma and be eaten by some fire ants or something

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

If I don't ctb, I'll live a painful and horrible life.

 

[salibu]

I've thought this many times. Like I'm gonna have awful karma and be eaten by some fire ants or something

I'm aware fire ants can't eat me

 

[a_strange_day]

I often think about that. For me an horrible and painful death would be to not have the guts to kill myself, get old, and have to live this life for many more years waiting for natural death to set me free.

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

I'm afraid of aging, and dying sick and alone after experiencing a painful lonely life.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Well it's slowly and insidiously happening to me. It's the sole reason I consider ctb. Everything else in my life I've managed. But this...

 

[WhyIsLife56]

I think life is way more painful and horrible than death. I'm even surprised I'm still alive way past childhood. Hopefully in due time I can get the guts to end my own life soon..

 

[Circles]

I'm afraid of aging, and dying sick and alone after experiencing a painful lonely life.

Yea I'm mainly afraid of getting older also, I couldn't imagine how bad the depression, chronic pain and such could evolve into. I've looked at my grandparents lives and it's absolutely tragic. My sweet grandmother whom was as nice as they get but ended up getting Alzheimer's and watched her deteriorate for over 10 years. 10 damn years of being trapped in her body going in and out of consciousness forgetting who she was and her family slowly but surely and didn't deserve any of it. Looking at my grandfather he's grown to become a spiteful and mean man, and because of it I'm sure he's lonely especially when he's aliened his own family. Small family now including just myself, my brother, my sister but aliened her and my mother who's his only surviving child but has treated her with so much disrespect that I doubt she loves him, I know I don't to put it bluntly but that's a long story in itself. Getting older just means that either way you're fucked and are going to become a shell of yourself until there's nothing.

 

[Mizzmini45]

my grandmom(89) has a huge hump back, chronic severe pain, total hip and knee replacement, shes lived through the death of 4 of her older adult children, shes blind in one eye. She takes care of one of her schizophrenic sons since he was 19 and he now is 64. Why do people keep saying life is a blessing?!! im not going through all that. Sorry gramp but I cant. My Aunt worked as a nurse in Hospice and she cant even SPEAK on the end for MANY people. One worked in a nursing home. I have 2 nurses in my family. long drown out sufferings.The way it ends for many people is worse then some suicides imo. If you don't believe me go volunteer at one.

 

[notjustyetagain]

yes. i sense very strongly that i'll slide back into homelessness, and from there, life gets shitty very quickly. once my mother dies, things are going to get a lot more difficult. too difficult for me, i think. it's sad to know just how much she supports me from one day to the next. i owe her so much. part of me also thinks that i owe her no more worrying about me though; if i'm dead, i'm "squared away" and nobody has to worry about my constant up-fuckings.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I have watched many of my family members suffer in hospitals and nursing homes before they passed. It was obvious they were in pain. I cannot fathom having to go thru that. I am certain I will go before I get to that point. It's a terrifying thought for me to be old, and lonely suffering in a nursing home but if I don't take my own life I'll end up just like them...and that's not something I'm willing to let happen.

 

[mediocre]

yes I'm physically getting weaker and sicker as time goes on. I am deteriorating fast. I fear for what other physical ailment I will suffer next.

 

[anchored_astronaut]

It's certainly something that scares me. I haven't been kind to this body. It terrifies me to think about all the awful things I'd have to deal with if I got old. Even if I lucked out and didn't face any consequences for my reckless behavior, just the thought of getting cancer and dying sick and suffering is enough to scare me shitless.

 

[LivingToLong]

It's a possibility of course, one I'm aware of but not overly worried about. Though it is true to say that I'd rather go controlled and peacefully rather than dismembered across a state highway after an auto crash.

I think what concerns me more is not being able to control my own death. Maybe 'control' is not quite the right word though. I don't want to be a bit part player as people rush around trying to save me, or whatever. I want it to be my death and not one determined by a doctor calling time - I want to be the one to say when I go.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

You know I see all these responses and it makes me so fucking angry that life has to be like this. Life struggles so hard to survive against a certain fate and always loses. Always. Fuck this.

 

[Fragile]

for me this is not just a possibility, is an inevitability.

every single one of my family members that have died during my lifetime has died of cancer, VERY horrible and inhumane deaths, and a quality of life before death that i just can't describe with words.

this is one of my reasons, i simply don't want to suffer that pain and see my body in such conditions, i already have some tumors in my gallbladder and others in my thyroid gland, they may become cancerous any day now and i don't want to get to that point, there is no reason to try to battle cancer, medical science works against me in this situation because they offer no way to improve quality of life or even curing cancer, they only prolong suffering as much as possible by forcing our bodies to stay alive.

i'm not suffering through that and there is no one who can change my mind about it, fuck suffering and fuck this life, i'm glad that i can end my life before that.

 

[Moonicide]

Yes, absolutely.
My quality of life right now is already quite poor. I'm on so much medication and also deal with chronic pain / fatigue. I've gradually deteriorated throughout the years, I can only imagine what my life would be like by the time I'm 40. And I'm so not going to be around for that.

 

[freefrommybody]

This is why when I'm worried about my suicide being painful for a short period of time, I remind myself that I could easily have a worse death from an accident or natural causes. And that's after pointlessly enduring years of bullcrap in day to day existence.

I could get cancer, for example. Lots of people do, including my dad. I heard his groans and screams of agony as he died. I was privy to the months of humiliation, physical and mental suffering that he endured leading up to his death. He attempted suicide during the ordeal.

I could become paralyzed, racked with maladies, and lose my independence. My mother's friend is that way. They forced her into a nursing home, either euthanized or took away her dogs, and now she's waiting to die. It's insane to me, with everyday people suffering like this in modern society, that a peaceful death is withheld from them.

 

[MAIO]

Now I don't know if it's just because I'm scared of the possibility cause I've came close to it before but I always hated the thought that you could die horribly in so many painful ways and without any control whatsoever. Car crashes and the thought of being mangled/torn to pieces (which I've came close with a semi truck), debilitating diseases, tortured, murdered, eaten alive by animals, burning alive, a death that resembles something out of a final destination movie, etc. So much senseless suffering and for what exactly I dont know but it makes me think that we're here just to suffer and to have that be the last thing you'd feel is the cherry on top of a hurtful existence. Atleast with suicide there's control to have even though there's the possibility of a botched attempt and end up just as bad but whatever.

More like a long and painful life lamo. Society always asserts life is always wort it and it's just such bullshit. Anyone who can think objectively knows it's bullshit

 

[freefrommybody]

More like a long and painful life lamo. Society always asserts life is always wort it and it's just such bullshit. Anyone who can think objectively knows it's bullshit

Well said. It's no wonder that not long after I started asking "Why?" to everything, I stopped thinking that I should care about most of it.

 

[c824767]

The intensity of physical pain over mental pain is significant. Mental pain is insidious in that it kills your joy. Mental pain vs. physical pain and disability and being in constant 10 out of 10 pain, is the difference between a quadriplegic with the Singapore flu (cannot even get to the bathroom by themselves, is in constant aches and pains, has a fever and might be hallucinating) and a zombie who is so shut down that he/she does not experience very much at all, except the mental torture of "I cannot do this any more" running 24 hours inside the mind.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

My uncle's a shell of a human being in all respects, he's barely able to hold down a job and that's it. He's just had bad luck but damn, I don't want to let myself get to that point. There's too much vanity in me for such a dehumanized existence.

He's past 60 and still asks his mom to make calls for him, it's just too much for me to see, too close to home.

The intensity of physical pain over mental pain is significant. Mental pain is insidious in that it kills your joy. Mental pain vs. physical pain and disability and being in constant 10 out of 10 pain, is the difference between a quadriplegic with the Singapore flu (cannot even get to the bathroom by themselves, is in constant aches and pains, has a fever and might be hallucinating) and a zombie who is so shut down that he/she does not experience very much at all, except the mental torture of "I cannot do this any more" running 24 hours inside the mind.

Are you saying one of them is worse?

 

[999888]

Yes, maybe a death of cancer or something similar.

 

[c824767]

My uncle's a shell of a human being in all respects, he's barely able to hold down a job and that's it. He's just had bad luck but damn, I don't want to let myself get to that point. There's too much vanity in me for such a dehumanized existence.

He's past 60 and still asks his mom to make calls for him, it's just too much for me to see, too close to home.

Are you saying one of them is worse?

In terms of human functioning yes the physical inability to move is worse and the problem of not being able to go to the bathroom by yourself or feed yourself, wash yourself, brush teeth, comb hair, put makeup on, basic mobility issues, are all-consuming problems that impact even more seriously on quality of life than suicide ideation and depression. There are many many activities that can be made more complicated or be taken away from a suicidal depressed person if / when they get physically ill. It is called WORST NIGHTMARE. If you are suicidal due to an ideation and depression, and because the world is such a shitty place with MONSTER fellow HUMANS threatening to make it worse for you in all the societal systems, you will Most Likely be more suicidal if physical debilitation is added to your woes.

 

[Not_Quite_Dead_Yet]

I'm afraid of aging, and dying sick and alone after experiencing a painful lonely life.

My situation exactly, from probably the oldest person on this forum. Every morning I ask myself what's the point of enduring yet another Ground Hog Day of pain and misery, But it could only get worse if I tried to CTB and failed. I suppose that's what keeps me going.

 

[c824767]

In terms of human functioning yes the physical inability to move is worse and the problem of not being able to go to the bathroom by yourself or feed yourself, wash yourself, brush teeth, comb hair, put makeup on, basic mobility issues, are all-consuming problems that impact even more seriously on quality of life than suicide ideation and depression. There are many many activities that can be made more complicated or be taken away from a suicidal depressed person if / when they get physically ill. It is called WORST NIGHTMARE. If you are suicidal due to an ideation and depression, and because the world is such a shitty place with MONSTER fellow HUMANS threatening to make it worse for you in all the societal systems, you will Most Likely be more suicidal if physical debilitation is added to your woes.

Your uncle has a job, so he likely stay on that plateau until the job is no longer possible. After that he will probably get worse and worse. You aint seen nothing yet. Yes it is dehumanizing and undignified. This is why we should all fight for MAID and a living wage for every individual below the poverty line to reinstitute human dignity, something governments were going to do in the 40s but guess what we lost the plot. I blame rampant inhumane captialism.

In 1946, US House of Congress passed the Employment Act. At the heart of the act was its "Declaration of Policy":

The Congress hereby declares that it is the continuing policy and responsibility of the federal government to use all practicable means consistent with its needs and obligations and other essential considerations of national policy with the assistance and cooperation of industry, agriculture, labor, and state and local governments, to coordinate and utilize all its plans, functions, and resources for the purpose of creating and maintaining, in a manner calculated to foster and promote free and competitive enterprise and the general welfare, conditions under which there will be afforded useful employment for those able, willing, and seeking work, and to promote maximum employment, production, and purchasing power.1

I guess that policy got deep sixed by those who do not want to pay fair wages...

My situation exactly, from probably the oldest person on this forum. Every morning I ask myself what's the point of enduring yet another Ground Hog Day of pain and misery, But it could only get worse if I tried to CTB and failed. I suppose that's what keeps me going.

You could help fight to have the legislators give blanket permission for MAID for everyone older than 75

 

[voyager]

It's a scary thought, no doubt. Plenty of physical conditions which could be looming and in this world no one would help you even if you end up a blind, deaf, dumb, quadriplegic lump. That's the beauty of life to some people, as long it's not themselves, I suppose.

But I tend not to worry about it. I don't really believe in free will anymore and I think that if we could build a perfect simulation of reality down to every last detail it would always play out the same way. So basically our lives, and deaths, are predetermined. Also, things could be far worse - we could've been born immortal.

 

[Soul]

I'm another one chosing my own time to die before the debilitating disease I have gets around to killing me. I'd commit suicide anyway, so in a sense the disease just provides a convenient excuse and makes it easier for my friends/family to come to terms with my intentions.

 

[passenger27]

I worry about cancer & heart disease mostly, because both run rampant in my family.

I had to take care of my mom after she had an operation for a heart aneurysm for 6 months before the stints leaked, and she passed.

I can tell you, none of that was a good experience for my mom or me & it's nothing I want to go through or put anybody through. I want to die on my own terms, with just a little dignity and as little fuss as possible.