Discussion Do you want to get better?

[cocoseal]

If I'm honest I do not want to get better. I'm in a time of my life where currently I am Partially hospitalised so there is A LOT of pressure on me to get better. I simply do not wanna get better I don't know why I don't. I guess maybe because I've found so much comfort to being how I am. I have hurt myself last Thursday night and I had to get stitches. My Mom came to the hospital and took my phone away since she is convinced its the issue with me. I told her I won't get better and I have no desire to ever let go of cutting. I mean hey I've been cutting since I was a kid I cant stop at this point in life. Or so I don't want to stop.
Its crazy how since I was a kid I always wanted to get older just so I'd be able to cut myself all I wanted and my mom wouldn't say shit of it because I'd be moved away. Clearly that plan is still in my mind but I'm not sure if I'll be able to even move away. Times going by so fucking fast and Im terrified really. I dont understand why theres so much pressure for me to get better Its really annoying. I just do not want to I don't know what else to say. I guess its selfish of me

 

[NeedAnEscape]

I have found some degree of comfort in the pain. I know I'm supposed to 'want to get better' for my loved ones. There was a time when I thought I wanted that for myself. But, I feel such a strong disconnect from my support system right now. Besides, I cannot depend on the wishes of other people to decide if I should recover or not. While I am torn by guilt, I do not believe that I want to get better.

 

[mehdone]

For the first time in my life, I do actually want to get better.
It took me a long ass time to get to that point.
And no, I'm not giving up cutting either- it is part of how I have survived, how I have kept myself alive- it is a coping mechanism that I needed and still need, if I have any chance of getting better.

 

[Eudaimonic]

I have found some degree of comfort in the pain. I know I'm supposed to 'want to get better' for my loved ones. There was a time when I thought I wanted that for myself. But, I feel such a strong disconnect from my support system right now. Besides, I cannot depend on the wishes of other people to decide if I should recover or not. While I am torn by guilt, I do not believe that I want to get better.

Same. I don't want to recover, but I feel guilty about not wanting it because of what it will do to those around me

 

[justcallmeJ]

I do, i always wanted to but it takes so many obstacles to defeat, i have given up a lot. But my fight is not over yet!

 

[Ash]

I'm exhausted from being in this state of rating very high on the crisis curve (or fizz scale or whatever benchmark you use) but not so high that I'm able to step off the edge. I want to be better and able to live my life or dead. This netherworld is miserable.

 

[Beyond_Repair]

If I'm honest I do not want to get better. I'm in a time of my life where currently I am Partially hospitalised so there is A LOT of pressure on me to get better. I simply do not wanna get better I don't know why I don't. I guess maybe because I've found so much comfort to being how I am. I have hurt myself last Thursday night and I had to get stitches. My Mom came to the hospital and took my phone away since she is convinced its the issue with me. I told her I won't get better and I have no desire to ever let go of cutting. I mean hey I've been cutting since I was a kid I cant stop at this point in life. Or so I don't want to stop.
Its crazy how since I was a kid I always wanted to get older just so I'd be able to cut myself all I wanted and my mom wouldn't say shit of it because I'd be moved away. Clearly that plan is still in my mind but I'm not sure if I'll be able to even move away. Times going by so fucking fast and Im terrified really. I dont understand why theres so much pressure for me to get better Its really annoying. I just do not want to I don't know what else to say. I guess its selfish of me

I definitely understand not wanting to get better.

I guess it depends on how you define "better". If getting better means being in a place where I no longer want to die, where I can enjoy some things, yeah I would love to get better. My issue is believing in the possibility of that happening. Based on previous experience, it's not likely. But I would actually like to

 

[DizzyFolfy]

I'm sure the answer varies from person to person. Me personally, it would probably definitely help. Maybe I could find out what the fuss is all about with this 'life' thing people kept talking about, haha.

Its crazy how since I was a kid I always wanted to get older just so I'd be able to cut myself all I wanted and my mom wouldn't say shit of it because I'd be moved away. Clearly that plan is still in my mind but I'm not sure if I'll be able to even move away. Times going by so fucking fast and Im terrified really. I dont understand why theres so much pressure for me to get better Its really annoying. I just do not want to I don't know what else to say. I guess its selfish of me

Whether your end goal is to get better or to give in, I think the first step is always to make peace with yourself You're not selfish for this. You're just looking our for yourself. And I agree, it can be terrifying.

For the first time in my life, I do actually want to get better.
It took me a long ass time to get to that point.
And no, I'm not giving up cutting either- it is part of how I have survived, how I have kept myself alive- it is a coping mechanism that I needed and still need, if I have any chance of getting better.

I see you've already figured out some sort of coping mechanism by cutting :3 Since we are in suicide discussion, I can only say that if it's working for you, then it's working. And if your intention is to get more better, there's definitely healthier ways, but of course, they can wait until you're fully ready or not at all, either way is okay

 

[sickgirlzis]

i do wanna get better even tho i feel comfort in being extremely depressed

 

[UKscotty]

I think all humans would want to get better if they are suffering from being suicidal.

Unfortunately I also know to be true that some of us are untreatable.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I do, I really do. There are still plenty of things I enjoy about life including some things I really wish I could have the luxury to experience such as being in love and all that entails.

I also really, really don't want to have to do most of the things that I would be required to do in order to actually make my life better and worth living. I'm too lazy. I'm also too afraid. I also enjoy self sabotaging myself, or at least I think I do otherwise why else would I keep doing it?

 

[xinino]

No, I think I am comfortable with my pessimistic beliefs. I tried to love the world but I have failed to.

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

Suicidality is more rational than non-suicidality; hence there is nothing to "get better" from.

I definitely understand not wanting to get better.

I guess it depends on how you define "better". If getting better means being in a place where I no longer want to die, where I can enjoy some things, yeah I would love to get better. My issue is believing in the possibility of that happening. Based on previous experience, it's not likely. But I would actually like to

Even if things become better it won't matter bc you won't be around to feel regret at missing them.

 

[Forever Sleep]

No. I don't really believe in 'better' now. I've already made huge efforts to start my life over and over. In my experience, it wasn't ever really worth it. Now, I actually gain more pleasure from removing that pressure from myself. It's more of a comfort to me to promise myself that I won't have a future to try and battle through. 'Better' to me equates to a lot of struggle and discomfort with likely limited reward, based on past experiences.

My 'getting better' would involve progressing further in my career primarily. Which would involve overcoming social anxieties and confidence issues. It would inevitably involve a bunch of failures and people making me feel shit about myself. I have an excellent memory for personal insults.

The pinnacle of my particular industry can involve working 6 days a week, 16 hour days and in the words of people I know who have been that successful, being 'treated like cattle.' Sounds great huh? Why would I even want that?!!

That, or I go the social route. Try and establish new friendships and relationships. Yet, the most devastated I've felt in life is when I've made deep connections with people and then, lost them in some way. Why would I invite all that in again?!!

So no. For me, treading water for as long as I need to seems like the best option for me. I spend part of each day remembering the horrible periods in my life. Not always really terrible, but times where I've been outside my comfort zone. I've pushed myself to do new jobs or go out with groups of people and had really uncomfortable experiences. It makes me much happier reassuring myself I'll try to avoid all that in future!

I simply don't think 'getting better' happens without a whole lot of effort and discomfort. Very possibly deeper depressions and periods of anxiety and feeling inadequate and for what in the end? I'm not sure I even want to be a different person now.

 

[arnxxx]

Yes i desperately want to get better. I know how life can be without depression. All I live for is the hope that I can stop feeling this way. I cant imagine not wanting to recover. I guess Im not that desperate yet...

 

[LaVieEnRose]

No

 

[arnxxx]

No

Why not?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Yes, I would like to get better but my issue is not really health related I could only get better if I found suitable work I can do to generate money in satisfying amounts then I could get better.

 

[Meteora]

The possibilities are exhausted. I won't. I can see very clearly. I always wanted to get better, with all my heart. But I had to give up on this.
I might find peace in 15 or 20 years, who knows. But I m not capable of fighting so many years longer when nothing I ever did in the past 30 years was fighting (against windmills), being depressed, losing everything, giving up on hopes and dreams, letting go..... being beyond desperation... I cannot bear the pain anymore.

 

[cocoseal]

For the first time in my life, I do actually want to get better.
It took me a long ass time to get to that point.
And no, I'm not giving up cutting either- it is part of how I have survived, how I have kept myself alive- it is a coping mechanism that I needed and still need, if I have any chance of getting better.

Im genuinely really proud of you I hope you succeed on getting better. lots of love towards you buddy

I do, i always wanted to but it takes so many obstacles to defeat, i have given up a lot. But my fight is not over yet!

inspiring, how did you find reason to get better?

 

[iloveduster]

At first, I used to want to get worse, but now it all backfired on me. Some people ask me to get help, but others just avoid me. I don't think it's possible anymore. Every time life gets slightly better, it becomes much much much worse. I really lost my hope of getting better

 

[astrichaoz]

I dont want to get better either. The sadness has become kind of comforting? To where when I feel any sense of happiness I hate it and feel uncomfortable. I don't want to improve either because death is just something that I need, I wasn't built to live on this planet long

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Why not?

Because this is as good as it gets and as such I'd prefer to be dead, a preference that it is clear by this point will never go away.

 

[jar-baby]

A lot of the time I don't. Sometimes I feel like I do but I don't really have a solid reason for wanting that over unconsciousness so the want is fleeting. I don't even know what the cause of the stasis I'm in is. Cowardice? Executive dysfunction? Analysis paralysis? Probably all of those to some degree.

I also really, really don't want to have to do most of the things that I would be required to do in order to actually make my life better and worth living. I'm too lazy. I'm also too afraid. I also enjoy self sabotaging myself, or at least I think I do otherwise why else would I keep doing it?

very much relate

 

[bookgirl]

I don't want to get better because I found comfort in my suicidal thoughts
My suicidal thoughts don't leave me like the people in my life do

 

[tbroken]

It is really difficult to say for me.
My CPTSD and maybe also the spawn point altered many decisions in my life, i tried to get better with all my efforts, but my 17-22 were not the best out there...
IMO it is difficult to repair this kind of things even if i tried hard to do it.

 

[BlendedHeart]

Sometimes I would like to and make efforts about it, but then, when I inevitably fail, I remember happiness and comfort are temporary, and hope is just a placebo to keep you going. Just want to stop feeling anything.

 

[FuneralCry]

Don't really think the question applies to me honestly, as my wish to die is a result of becoming aware of how truly undesirable existence is, the true problem lies in existence itself and I'm not ill for wishing to be permanently relieved from it. Under no circumstances would I ever wish for the futile and tortuous burden that is human existence, I despise existing and I'd see it as better to not exist no matter what. For me suicide is rational to escape from unnecessary suffering, I have no interest in decaying from age in this existence that can potentially get so torturous way beyond how anyone can imagine it to that was always meaningless in the first place.

There's no point to existing and I find it tragic how something so hellish and harmful as life even exists at all, existence is nothing but suffering and I don't want to suffer in any way, if "better" means wanting to suffer so unnecessarily just to die a slow, painful death from old age then no, I'd prefer the true peace of non-existence instead, really wish I never existed more than anything.

 

[All_is_in_vanity]

Sometimes yes. Sometimes no.

 

[arnxxx]

I don't get most people here that say no. Life is presumably terrible because of how you feel. So life isn't worth living even if you feel good again?
Getting better would mean everything to me. I'd spend my life savings just to be rid of this depression.