Discussion Do you think you'll ever CTB?

[dogemn]

Do any of you feel like CTB is one of those things you'll probably think about for the rest of your life but never actually go through with? I've been having these thoughts since I was a child and even when life feels completely unbearable it still seems like something I'll just keep thinking about in the background without ever acting on it. It's almost like a constant companion that never quite becomes real.

 

[DarkFriend.]

For me life is like a submarine that can't ever resurface and resupply (because to do so would be tantamount to rebirth), and so in the journey of wandering around until some tragedy befalls me, if it does not, then all that there will be is for the machine to break down; and so there may come a tipping point, a point at which the cost of continuing will outweigh the indubitable release of death, whereupon I do indeed see myself doing it.

 

[VanillaCake]

I should've died when I attempted back in 2021.

Now, I'm waiting for some things to fall into place. Of course, I cannot predict the future as to whether or not I will succeed (so really the answer should be "I don't know"), but I truly wish I will ctb.

Hardest part is letting others down and causing tremendous pain to my loved ones.

 

[Steph99]

Life is on an upward arc at the moment but I'm certain one day I'll hang myself, and when I do, it'll be successful. Nearly accidentally killed myself practicing and was amazed how fast things progressed.

 

[SASU-KE]

Life is on an upward arc at the moment but I'm certain one day I'll hang myself, and when I do, it'll be successful. Nearly accidentally killed myself practicing and was amazed how fast things progressed.

There's no way to escape full suspension hanging is there?.Once you step off your support you're done.

If ever my health starts to fail, I'm done. Hanging, it is.

 

[icanjustdoit]

I'll probably do it once something really bad happens to me. Right now all my issues are due to how I am.

 

[tiramisu]

i have already set a date.

 

[Steph99]

There's no way to escape full suspension hanging is there?.Once you step off your support you're done.

If ever my health starts to fail, I'm done. Hanging, it is.

I was using a harness to take alot of the weight off. Still almost passed out and was quire disassociated and didn't know where I was for 20 seconds.

 

[ForsakenEcho]

This past March marked ten years since my last attempt. Since then, I've just been taking things one day at a time.
It's difficult to plan for the future when I haven't been able to let go of these thoughts after all these years, but I guess I'll see how far I can go.

 

[meowpuppy]

yes, because it's always at the top of my mind, like camus said. every once in a while i keep looking for new perspectives on suicide, so suicide is always a topic fresh on my mind. will kill myself, sadly.

 

[50/50]

Do any of you feel like CTB is one of those things you'll probably think about for the rest of your life but never actually go through with?

Yes i guess

 

[Canto XIII]

If I ended up here in the first place it's because I'm at the end of my wits. I don't count on being here for much longer.

 

[hughmun9]

I'm not sure. I got pretty close once but I'm going back and forth on it now. I do think it's a strong possibility.

 

[ilovecats1]

there are a lot of variables that would effect my choice as a trans woman. if i had everything i need right now i wouldnt because i believe i have a slim chance to turn it around. the closest time frame i would do it is in three months when i will take the government employee exam and probably fail it and it would mean pushing my bottom surgery date to 4-5 years later. i might lose access to hrt which i dont think i can take living without hormones and watching my body destroy itself. my government could ban the surgeries i need and i also wouldnt be able to function without hope that i wont hate my body one day. also at the end of the day i find myself coming back to thinking about it no matter what sometimes. i also "hate" myself for whatever reason and have always found myself not enough/worth anything. so i would say there is a high probability that this is how i am going to die.

 

[SoLowHollow48]

I guess? It'll be a long time from now, though. I need to prepare. Not the methods but the things that I'd be leaving behind. I know it's the living who'll deal with whatever fucking mess I left them with. So, gotta get money, get assets... everything that they'd need after I'm gone. It'll be some time until I have the amount of wealth that I plan to accumulate for them.

I guess I'm just tired of being crushed by capitalism but at the same time, I know those who are still living will still be living under this very system. I hope that I can at least aid them in a way.

 

[LonelyPrince]

Yes. I feel like it will definitely be the way i go out one day. I don't wanna live that long

 

[Charly]

There's no way to escape full suspension hanging is there?.Once you step off your support you're done.

If ever my health starts to fail, I'm done. Hanging, it is.

Actually no, i can say that because i experienced it a few days ago. I fully suspended for 1 second and i just felt extreme pain and choking feeling so i immediately got up the chair. Bad ligature bad technique bad everything, but i thought that full suspension would have made for me being incompetent at learning how to do things properly. That was not the case.

 

[DragMeIntoPlace911]

I do and still feel like it, I fear wasting my time over thinking about it rather than giving myself the happiness I deserve.

 

[miceonvenus]

this was how i thought for a long time, where it was always in the back of my mind and on the distant horizon as something i would inevitably do one day. wasn't until recently that it's become moreso something that I'm actively planning :p

 

[EmployedHikikomori]

I gave myself less than three years to CTB. This is cause I want to tie up some loose ends before doing so and if there's a chance my life would improve. In the case of the later, I would cancel my plans and go on with my life.

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Yes, soon

 

[Cepheuss]

Yep just gotta keep trying tjll i get it right. No point in living when i dont enjoy it

 

[ShackledSoul]

I feel like I probably will, but probably much later in life. But who knows?

I have the means now, technically. But social entanglements, a sense of duty and that pesky survival instinct keep me stuck here. Truthfully, my family would be completely destroyed and I don't want to bear that weight on my soul.

It doesn't stop me from wanting nothing anymore but the peace of death. I am so hopelessly drowning in despair. It's so painful and feels so meaningless. I'm tired of all of this. I don't know why I was put here. I don't have a clue anymore who I am or what I am supposed to be accomplishing. I just want to go back home.

 

[ceriseange♡]

I think so. I think the final nail will be when one or both my parents pass, but I also have this strange feeling that the grief will be what motivates me to start fresh and get better for them and their memory? Who knows, but right now I think yes, I will eventually. If it's not now, it's going to be later. I'll end up going that way no matter what

 

[notthatclever]

Ive been getting squeezed for a decade. They won't go away or let up in my life and im getting sick of them messing around in it all the time. I've tried everything. They are like leeches and won't get out of my life and I don't know what else to do. They harass me everywhere I go, they constantly mess with my head. I e attended a few times. One time I stopped eating and dining for a week. I was almost dead but I was also hallucinating and that type of thing. I was in really bad shape. All the doctors had to say to me was that take an awful lot of willpower to not eat or drink for a week. I was almost dead but the cops found me and took me into the er. It's incredibly painful by the way. Not eating or drinking anything for week. I've had a few active attempts. Any time I attempt I end up in the hospital for a solid month usually. So I want to make sure my method is fool proof so I can get the job done for sure this time. No set date or hurry. I just want my option safely secured. I'm thing SN maybe? That or jump off a high enough ledge. To make sure I'm good and dead from the fall no matter what. Those cops deserve to scrape my body off the pavement how I see it anymore. They can't get rid of bridges and tall buildings. Nothing they can do about that. If I jump I just want to make sure it kills me is all. I don't want to survive and be messed up from a crazy jump. That would be my luck.. it does seem like a highly effective surefire method though as long as the height is large enough.. I've thought about it a lot. So far that's my go to method. It's not a knife or anything they can take away from me either. There is nothing they can do. I don't know why they keep me alive or why anybody would care if I die. They don't seem to care about me enough to be bothered with me in life. They just don't want the guilt of my death. That's all it is. They just don't want to be bothered by the guilt of my death that way. It has nothing to do with actually caring about me or wanting me to have a happy life of any kind.. and they don't get that's a huge part of the problem of why we're here to begin with.. so why do they get to go Scott free without guilt? Why do I care about them feeling some type of way when they never cared about I feel.. but I'll probably either jump and I'm interested in the SN, or maybe a plastic bag over my head and get a I think it's a hydrogen tank. Apparently it's peaceful. You just fall asleep and then you die.. which is obviously preferable to any other method. Just fall asleep and never wake up.. they would all have a stroke if they knew about any of this or knew what I talked about in therapy or in the suicide survivor groups psychiatrists have made me go to in the past. They couldn't stomach any of this.. They would lose their minds and I'd laugh.. suicide survivor groups make AA look like candy land.. I used to go to NA as a family member of former addicts.. but I've heard the horror stories of failed hangings and things like that.. from other survivors. There is nothing worse than your method failing. Because you're like I already fail at life and I fail so bad I can't even kill myself.. but the method of falling asleep and never waking up is my preference.. but I'll jump if I have to.. trust me.. they keep me alive for liability reasons not that they care about my life.. I don't get help anymore because why play the game of pretending I care or pretending they care.. they don't and I don't.. and why do I need to care about their guilty conscience.. I don't.. trust me.. I used to date a Doctor. He was a trauma surgeon.. the doctors do not care that much.. they're just going through the motions and they only take that oath half heatedly to get their license.. they don't actually care.. the nurses don't care.. they don't care about what happens to you. They only care about liability.. maybe it's different for other people but in my experience they don't.. just seems way too late for them to care now.. and why can't I just fall asleep and never wake up.. but knowing everybody and my luck.. my suicide will be as painful and gruesome and horrible as my miserable awful life.. hopefully I can get my hands on some SN.. I hear that's halfway painless.. I'm in the middle of a horrible massive depressive state.. really bad one. I'm in that place where I'm almost too depressed to even kill myself right now.. sorry about being long winded I just have no other place to talk about this.. not without getting everybody up in arms.. most of them don't even know that I've actively attempted at my life and almost died.. I just know for sure I'm done with doctors and getting treatment.. there isn't anything they can say anymore that I care about or believe.. I had an ovarian cyst rupture last week and it was insanely painful and I didn't go to the doctor because I am just that done with doctors.. the pain was preferable than having to listen to another egotistical awful doctor.. they're just insufferable.. I'd rather be dead than ever have to listen to any doctor ever again..

 

[caotic_realm]

I think that if I get the right substance or the right moment, I'll actually be able to do it.

I am not one of those people who envisions living past the age of 50—not because I hate old age or detest the elderly, but rather because, for the past 34 years, life has been an agony for me, and I highly doubt I could live another 10 or 20 years with that same feeling.

 

[ScaredPossum]

Probably. I can't imagine dying peacefully.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

Not until after my parents die. After that, I don't know.