I feel very fragile. Yesterday I could barely sleep. I take emergency medication but the day tomorrow gonna be so fucking hard. I am scared to relapse if this happens I need to ctb quickly. So my first option is SN. I know where to obtain it. My second option was amitriptyline which I have here. My main concern is possible permanent damage. I think also due to this website I crossed jumping in front of the train out of my mind. I think I would panic in the last seconds and jump away...which would not have pleasant consequences for me.
In the past I had some points of contact with a high height. I am not sure but I have the feeling I could potentially jump from a high floor. Some years ago I stood in the 7th floor of a building to get a feeling how it feels. I was very suicidal at that time. My main concern was it was not high enough. Still it felt like an existential moment in my life and frightening me for sure.
The recent events with SN scared me. I just need to have an exit in case I reach my limit. I just cannot break once again. I am way beyond my limit. In Germany there are not that many high buildings with public access. Do you think the following could work? I book an hotel room in a hotel with a very high floor. Personally I think I would feel way better if I could have privacy in my last moments on earth. So I would for example rule out to jump from a balcony that can be accessed by anyone who lives on that floor. I told one of my friends about my considerations and he told me hotels probably prevent such things to happen. Maybe the windows (in rooms) cannot be opened enough in order to jump out of them. Do you think this is true? Does this only apply to new buildings?
I am pretty desperate and I am very anxious that the extreme pain returns. I will fight as long as I can though if I crash eventually there is nothing anymore that holds me back.
I would also probably cry a lot in my hotel room before jumping. Do you think others might knock on my door because of that? Maybe I will listen to music. My suicidal ideation is seemingly very explicit I think my determination to do it increased within the years as the hopelessness of my life increased also.
In the past I had some points of contact with a high height. I am not sure but I have the feeling I could potentially jump from a high floor. Some years ago I stood in the 7th floor of a building to get a feeling how it feels. I was very suicidal at that time. My main concern was it was not high enough. Still it felt like an existential moment in my life and frightening me for sure.
The recent events with SN scared me. I just need to have an exit in case I reach my limit. I just cannot break once again. I am way beyond my limit. In Germany there are not that many high buildings with public access. Do you think the following could work? I book an hotel room in a hotel with a very high floor. Personally I think I would feel way better if I could have privacy in my last moments on earth. So I would for example rule out to jump from a balcony that can be accessed by anyone who lives on that floor. I told one of my friends about my considerations and he told me hotels probably prevent such things to happen. Maybe the windows (in rooms) cannot be opened enough in order to jump out of them. Do you think this is true? Does this only apply to new buildings?
I am pretty desperate and I am very anxious that the extreme pain returns. I will fight as long as I can though if I crash eventually there is nothing anymore that holds me back.
I would also probably cry a lot in my hotel room before jumping. Do you think others might knock on my door because of that? Maybe I will listen to music. My suicidal ideation is seemingly very explicit I think my determination to do it increased within the years as the hopelessness of my life increased also.
