Do you think that you will still exist this time next year?

[FuneralCry]

The sad truth is that there is a high chance that I could still be here this time next year. I do not want anymore days, it hurts me being alive and everyday that I am alive just feels so pointless. If I was to die soon, it would be the best thing for me.

There is nothing positive about being alive. Existing is a form of torture and trying to stop people from leaving this life behind is cruel. I wish that dying is as easy as just deciding not to be here and I envy those who are gone. I dread to think what will likely happen in the next year, of course there is a chance that things could get worse. As long as someone is existing they could experience the most extreme pain possible and that is terrifying.

It must be a relief for those who have the option of N, knowing that they could peacefully exit this life when the time is right. Feeling trapped in this world is such an awful feeling. Even typing this feels pointless. I try to tell myself that it will be over someday but it could potentially be a long time, which is horrifying to think about. There could never be a reason to live. I just hope that maybe I will die in my sleep. That is the ideal way to die, after all.

 

[ewigeruhe]

The sad truth is that there is a high chance that I could still be here this time next year. I do not want anymore days, it hurts me being alive and everyday that I am alive just feels so pointless. If I was to die soon, it would be the best thing for me.

There is nothing positive about being alive. Existing is a form of torture and trying to stop people from leaving this life behind is cruel. I wish that dying is as easy as just deciding not to be here and I envy those who are gone. I dread to think what will likely happen in the next year, of course there is a chance that things could get worse. As long as someone is existing they could experience the most extreme pain possible and that is terrifying.

It must be a relief for those who have the option of N, knowing that they could peacefully exit this life when the time is right. Feeling trapped in this world is such an awful feeling. Even typing this feels pointless. I try to tell myself that it will be over someday but it could potentially be a long time, which is horrifying to think about. There could never be a reason to live. I just hope that maybe I will die in my sleep. That is the ideal way to die, after all.

This hit me right in my feels when i was in my early twenties i said to myself i don't want to live beyond 30 as i was depressed and hopeless for the longest time in my life.
Now i am 36 and still here whereas my situation is constantly declining and i tried to ctb for 4 times now but unfortunately never succeded either due to naivity, stupidity or my crippeling apathy. Even at times when i had luck or everything was just good and no worries i always kept the dark thoughts with me and didn't really see the point why continue to suffer?

 

[Mr. Incapable]

I hope not but I've been saying this for 2 consecutive years now.. if I'm alive in a year, I'll likely be homeless in some sort of shelter program, probably still unemployed, sad, suicidal, alone.. just a truly pitiful existence.. I cannot help or support myself anymore so I need to die as soon as possible

 

[Anonymus]

Wow, what a time when I could still allow myself to wonder if I would be alive next year!
Last summer was horrible, I kept asking myself how many hours I had left to live... now there are days, a few, that I wonder if I will be alive the next day, but I usually live three months ahead... .

I clarify that all this is without any will of my own to do so, that is to say, without considering suicide immediately. Everything is pure fear of living and continuing to suffer, not knowing if my body will withstand so much pressure (the typical somatizations so undervalued and often confused by some doctors as hypochondrism ..., oh my god how useless titled!).

//

Ostia!, quin temps aquells on encara em podía permetre el plantejar-me si l'any que ve sería viu.
L'estiu passat va ser horrible, no parava de preguntar-me quantes hores em quedaven de vida... ara hi ha dies, pocs, que em pregunto si seré viu al dia següent, però normalment faig vida a tres mesos vista...

Aclareixo que tot això és sense cap tipus de voluntat meva perquè sigui així, és a dir sense plantejar-me el suïcidi de forma inmediata. Tot és pura por a viure i seguir patint, sense saber si el meu cos aguantarà tanta pressió (les somatitzacions típiques tan infravalorades i que sovint es confonen per alguns metges com hipocondrisme.., déu n'hi do quan inútil titulat!).

 

[whatevs]

Hmm. This is definitely a crossroads year for me. If I don't succeed with what I'm trying to salvage my life I will be forced to catch the bus.

So remains to be seen.

 

[Symbiote]

I always have one foot out the door and a bunch of strings attached to me trying to reel me back in. I haven't had the courage to cut the strings so I can become fully committed again.

 

[jawdropped123]

You've been on ss for the longest and youre very active on here. I always wondered what type of person you are. Its saddens me hearing you talk this way. You will leave this earth when you're ready

 

[CarpeJugulum]

I sure hope not, unfortunately I am pretty weak

 

[melodrama]

To be honest, I'm now trying to accept the fact that I'm too much of a coward to even kill myself. These days have been horrible and I've come close to ctb so many times, but there's always something in my mind that keeps me from doing it... I don't know if this is good or bad, don't want to think about it actually. I just want to find some kind of relief.

 

[lessonlearned]

i hope not. i hope im gone in august i better not fail somehow.

 

[Tortured Existence]

Definitely NOT!!!

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

I can't plan longer than I can pee, but it looks like I'll have that kind of time time to flail around and be stupid.

 

[Klophy]

I don't want to be, but i've been feeling the same way since i was a kid so i'll probably still be here. I can feel myself getting closer to the edge.

I 100% agree about going in your sleep, it would be so peaceful and no judgement would come, truly ideal.

 

[Green Destiny]

Not something I like thinking about but I'll probably still be here for decades more. 2 main reasons being that I can't get a reliable CTB method and being too much of a coward to go through with it.

 

[Lost Magic]

Sad to hear that your life is constant suffering. You must get really tired of it all after awhile. Yeah, I really want to be gone before next year. I have lived too long already. I have my last will and testament (just need a witness) ready to go and my N ready to drink. It's just a waiting game now before everything is finalised. If I am still here next year, I will be majorly disappointed in my self. What a bore, this life is. What an endless cycle of pointlessness and pain.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

If all goes as planned, at about this time next year, I should be making my exit. That's what I'm shooting for.

*Disclaimer* I reserve the right to change my mind at any time and may decide to exit much sooner, if so inclined.

 

[hellispink]

if I am here next year, I hope I am feeling better somehow and these emptiness i feel is not longer an issue. If it is meant to be the same as all these years, i hope I am resting in peace.

 

[picklemick]

I won't be here next month because I have a time line from where my life goes from bad to unbearable.

 

[AloneInCollege]

To be honest, I'm now trying to accept the fact that I'm too much of a coward to even kill myself. These days have been horrible and I've come close to ctb so many times, but there's always something in my mind that keeps me from doing it... I don't know if this is good or bad, don't want to think about it actually. I just want to find some kind of relief.

I can relate to that.

Do I think I'll be here next year? Maybe, but I certainly hope not.

 

[Brianiskillingme]

I doubt it. Life sucks. My daughter is my only reason I am still here.

 

[waitingforrest]

I hope so. There's just so many loose ends I need to wrap up, even though it won't matter when I'm dead. I can't be at peace with the thought of my pets going to a abusive home.
I'm hoping I might go in a way where my organs can be put to use, some people don't deserve to die so young.

 

[Zerengin96]

If everything goes according to plan i wont even see christmas this year

 

[Salvation_]

No idea. I don't feel cowardly at the moment though. There's a high chance I'll go through with it in August

 

[almaranthine]

There was this movie I watched probably about a decade ago. The premise was of a futuristic world where everyone had "life points" pretty much, and these implants in their eyes to be able to see other peoples' balances. You could transfer points, and I think even steal them from others in this world. The poor had to work tirelessly and struggle to maintain enough points to survive each day, while the rich had enough points to stay youthful and live endlessly. If real life were like this, at least we could go about, and give away our life points to people who needed/wanted them and then just drop dead on the damn ground. Wouldn't be so bad.

 

[September5th]

Probably. But only because I am a coward.
July, August and specially September are going to be hard, though. Really hard. These were the best days of my life last year. I don't really know how I'm going to make it through this year. It's going to depress me a lot XD

 

[chloramine]

I don't know. I'm so, so tired, but it's not easy to ctb- even just from a logistical standpoint. I'm afraid I'll be alive and everything will be the same or worse. Chances are I'll have at least tried a few more times by next year- kinda doubt I'll be successful though

 

[outrider567]

Highly doubt it--I cannot see myself enduring this life, my state of mind, for another year

 

[outatime_85]

I live with things I let happen to me in my youth and so many bad choices that I have nightmares at any time I sleep and negative voices.

My life has no proper way to recover.

I think the only way out is to cash out.

So no, I don't know if I will make it to the end of this year, and next year for me is not a permanent picture.

Also, knowing I have the means to produce my own demise means I have to be vigilant about how much I let all those thoughts get to me.

For now, I will continue to deal with the things I do in the hope that I can turn them around, but time is running out for me.

 

[NoLightRemains]

I'm trying to give recovery a chance, but if things don't become more bearable in the next year by the time I'm 30 I think I'm done. I have almost everything I need in place for a hopefully peaceful exit. I don't feel like I'm in a rush because while things are not great right now, they aren't unbearable and I have someone to live for. If things get worse, I might CTB sooner.

 

[Mthom2]

Not if a sliver of mercy exists in this sorry excuse for a universe.