I could write a very long thread but I am very exhausted. The stays in clinics helped me a lot and I am glad they helped me. However I also experienced very detrimental behavior dealing with a suicidal person.
The second time I was in a clinic I was very suicidal. I felt horrible thought about suicide 24/7. However there was a smartphone game that really gave me joy or at least a little bit distraction. There was no real joy to that time. It was clearly a coping mechanism of someone who suffered extremely. However the staff really wondered how could I be so obsessed about the game in such a serious situation. Honestly it was pure desperation, I even spent money on it. I needed a valve. One time when we prepared the medication a tricyclic antidepressant the staff member joked I should not drink the whole bottle at home and laughed at it. It was pretty clear he alluded I am just seeking attention and that my suicidality was fake. And honestly I think such a behavior of a staff member in a clinic is horrible. It hurt me deeply. But I was already in way too much pain. So it did not hit me that deep.
I really think this is one of the most horrible reactions of one can give to a suicidal person. And such a behavior really provokes that the person becomes more serious about actually doing it. (I think I considered that after the remark but I had no reliable method.)
But there were also other things. People called my suicidality pathological and did not take it serious. One person said I am not interested in cases of people who "go insane". He always refered to people who committed suicide as insane. I have to say this was the psychologist that cared the most about my case and was pretty good at analyzing cases. However he even told me he does not understand suicidal people they seem to be so irrational for him. In fact he was one of the best therapists I had. But he also had major flaws. He suspected me to be a drug addict when I began to joke around despite the fact I was acute suicidal. Well jokes and humor are a coping mechanism for me in cynical hopeless situations.
I also had the feeling when the staff considered me as a case who will soon commit suicide they turned kind of unfriendly to me. It was not only distanced. I rejected wanting to take medication for my illness (psychosis) which they considered a death sentence with my biography of suicidality. Some of them turned pretty nasty. Started to ask me frequently whether I took drugs. I think one person asked whether I would vote for an extremist party. These were their attempts to become distant and less emotionally involved dealing with tragic cases.
In the clinic where I was they had a weird dichotomy, This is at least how I perceived it. The people who did drugs, ruined their lives and are fully responsible for their own misery. And the innocent people did no durgs and were the good ones. Well I belong to the second group however I was acute suicidal. And when I almost attempted it they really showed anitpathy.
I don't think the psychiatry has a good strategy for cases like me. People who are suicidal for a decade. I think it is pretty important to take suicidal people serious. Many therapists also took me serious. I met so fucking many I experienced a lot. However such a joke about not drinking the bottle is kind of inexcusable and quite shocking.
Am I overreacting?
The second time I was in a clinic I was very suicidal. I felt horrible thought about suicide 24/7. However there was a smartphone game that really gave me joy or at least a little bit distraction. There was no real joy to that time. It was clearly a coping mechanism of someone who suffered extremely. However the staff really wondered how could I be so obsessed about the game in such a serious situation. Honestly it was pure desperation, I even spent money on it. I needed a valve. One time when we prepared the medication a tricyclic antidepressant the staff member joked I should not drink the whole bottle at home and laughed at it. It was pretty clear he alluded I am just seeking attention and that my suicidality was fake. And honestly I think such a behavior of a staff member in a clinic is horrible. It hurt me deeply. But I was already in way too much pain. So it did not hit me that deep.
I really think this is one of the most horrible reactions of one can give to a suicidal person. And such a behavior really provokes that the person becomes more serious about actually doing it. (I think I considered that after the remark but I had no reliable method.)
But there were also other things. People called my suicidality pathological and did not take it serious. One person said I am not interested in cases of people who "go insane". He always refered to people who committed suicide as insane. I have to say this was the psychologist that cared the most about my case and was pretty good at analyzing cases. However he even told me he does not understand suicidal people they seem to be so irrational for him. In fact he was one of the best therapists I had. But he also had major flaws. He suspected me to be a drug addict when I began to joke around despite the fact I was acute suicidal. Well jokes and humor are a coping mechanism for me in cynical hopeless situations.
I also had the feeling when the staff considered me as a case who will soon commit suicide they turned kind of unfriendly to me. It was not only distanced. I rejected wanting to take medication for my illness (psychosis) which they considered a death sentence with my biography of suicidality. Some of them turned pretty nasty. Started to ask me frequently whether I took drugs. I think one person asked whether I would vote for an extremist party. These were their attempts to become distant and less emotionally involved dealing with tragic cases.
In the clinic where I was they had a weird dichotomy, This is at least how I perceived it. The people who did drugs, ruined their lives and are fully responsible for their own misery. And the innocent people did no durgs and were the good ones. Well I belong to the second group however I was acute suicidal. And when I almost attempted it they really showed anitpathy.
I don't think the psychiatry has a good strategy for cases like me. People who are suicidal for a decade. I think it is pretty important to take suicidal people serious. Many therapists also took me serious. I met so fucking many I experienced a lot. However such a joke about not drinking the bottle is kind of inexcusable and quite shocking.
Am I overreacting?
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