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UnwillingSavior

UnwillingSavior

Mr. Self Destruct
Nov 2, 2023
111
I haven't been here in a while, but things are really confusing and dull for me right now.

I'm still reeling from my breakup with my long-term GF that happened a few months ago. Up until yesterday, we actually maintained heavy contact. I know this is generally not recommended to do with an ex but for us, it worked until, of course, it didn't. Now we are on no-contact after I forced us to. For at least a month. This might not be that long but we've never been out of contact for more than a day.

So now I'm trying to go through the daily motions of life. But how? I'm so confused. Everytime I do something it would be with her in mind. "I need to clean my room and do my errands to make time for her.", "I need to maintain my hygiene so I smell good for her", "Oh look, she would love this! I should think about getting it for her one day.", and so on so forth. Even my mannerisms and dialect are they way they are because of her. Little actions like making sure to have a certain lotion in the car for her or reminders on my phone to partake in a certain hobby at a certain time don't make sense anymore.

Who the hell am I now? I can barely remember the person I used to be before her. So much of who I am and what I do was because of her. It's so hard to move on and become someone who lives for myself. I spent so much time with her that I have this gaping hole of free time that I don't know what to do with. I'm trying to get into video games once again but it's just not fulfilling. I get excited thinking about how I'll tell her about a cool easter egg but realize she's not here anymore. My mind isn't racing so much anymore which is a good thing I suppose but there's just a lingering sense of numbness and dull colors. I don't really care about what I do. Just kind of what it takes to get by and not piss anyone off.

So I guess what I'm trying to get at is, who are you? Do you remember who you used to be before? What are you doing now to fill that empty hole in your sense of self?
 
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O

okuhvtuji

Member
Jun 17, 2024
39
I haven't been here in a while, but things are really confusing and dull for me right now.

I'm still reeling from my breakup with my long-term GF that happened a few months ago. Up until yesterday, we actually maintained heavy contact. I know this is generally not recommended to do with an ex but for us, it worked until, of course, it didn't. Now we are on no-contact after I forced us to. For at least a month. This might not be that long but we've never been out of contact for more than a day.

So now I'm trying to go through the daily motions of life. But how? I'm so confused. Everytime I do something it would be with her in mind. "I need to clean my room and do my errands to make time for her.", "I need to maintain my hygiene so I smell good for her", "Oh look, she would love this! I should think about getting it for her one day.", and so on so forth. Even my mannerisms and dialect are they way they are because of her. Little actions like making sure to have a certain lotion in the car for her or reminders on my phone to partake in a certain hobby at a certain time don't make sense anymore.

Who the hell am I now? I can barely remember the person I used to be before her. So much of who I am and what I do was because of her. It's so hard to move on and become someone who lives for myself. I spent so much time with her that I have this gaping hole of free time that I don't know what to do with. I'm trying to get into video games once again but it's just not fulfilling. I get excited thinking about how I'll tell her about a cool easter egg but realize she's not here anymore. My mind isn't racing so much anymore which is a good thing I suppose but there's just a lingering sense of numbness and dull colors. I don't really care about what I do. Just kind of what it takes to get by and not piss anyone off.

So I guess what I'm trying to get at is, who are you? Do you remember who you used to be before? What are you doing now to fill that empty hole in your sense of self?
There are still ways to make the world a better place for her. It could be anything lol like voting for female bodily rights (abortion), clean rubbish in her favourite park or simply get better in case one day she needs help (emotive, economical, etc). In the meantime you can see other ppl.
It's also very understandable to root for a while c: I get how you feel!
 
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us_1999

us_1999

Fragments of myself
Feb 1, 2021
53
Yes I do. Perhaps it would be better if I forget.
 
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Linda

Linda

Member
Jul 30, 2020
1,687
I haven't been here in a while, but things are really confusing and dull for me right now.

I'm still reeling from my breakup with my long-term GF that happened a few months ago. Up until yesterday, we actually maintained heavy contact. I know this is generally not recommended to do with an ex but for us, it worked until, of course, it didn't. Now we are on no-contact after I forced us to. For at least a month. This might not be that long but we've never been out of contact for more than a day.

So now I'm trying to go through the daily motions of life. But how? I'm so confused. Everytime I do something it would be with her in mind. "I need to clean my room and do my errands to make time for her.", "I need to maintain my hygiene so I smell good for her", "Oh look, she would love this! I should think about getting it for her one day.", and so on so forth. Even my mannerisms and dialect are they way they are because of her. Little actions like making sure to have a certain lotion in the car for her or reminders on my phone to partake in a certain hobby at a certain time don't make sense anymore.

Who the hell am I now? I can barely remember the person I used to be before her. So much of who I am and what I do was because of her. It's so hard to move on and become someone who lives for myself. I spent so much time with her that I have this gaping hole of free time that I don't know what to do with. I'm trying to get into video games once again but it's just not fulfilling. I get excited thinking about how I'll tell her about a cool easter egg but realize she's not here anymore. My mind isn't racing so much anymore which is a good thing I suppose but there's just a lingering sense of numbness and dull colors. I don't really care about what I do. Just kind of what it takes to get by and not piss anyone off.

So I guess what I'm trying to get at is, who are you? Do you remember who you used to be before? What are you doing now to fill that empty hole in your sense of self?
A breakup can be like a bereavement, and in both cases there is only one remedy. Time. The pain gradually reduces over time. It may or may not ever go away completely, but I can guarantee that by this time next year you will feel a lot better.
Just keep going, one day at a time, and wait for things to improve.
Don't ctb.
 
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Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
20,139
I used to believe I was a much nicer person, or at least I tried to. I don't know if I was actually much better of a person or if I was just ignorant of how cruel and evil I am but after the events of almost nine years ago something snapped in me and I realized that only someone as twisted as I deserves to suffer in this way. I chose to lean in to my evil tendencies and gave up on pretending I'm good.
 
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feelinggloomy

feelinggloomy

Student
May 29, 2024
185
I recall who I was in 1998 and that's the last time I was happy. I was hopeful and had joy. There was a day in 1998 that it all changed and ever since I don't recognize myself.
 
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Onelegman

Onelegman

I use a translator
May 24, 2024
553
I was a happy child without fear of life...
 
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lost_ange2211

lost_ange2211

An angel who wants to go home..
May 29, 2024
145
Yes I so remember who I was and to be honest it feels terrible. Knowing what I had, how good it felt, who I was, what I was capable of. It's all gone now. My mental sickness has devoured a lot of me and I wish I didn't remember.

Now to the relationship part you've talked about. I felt similar after my last relationship ended. It felt like I didn't know myself for a while, it felt like I couldn't just do the stuff anymore. For me it worked a bit to take some of the shared stuff me and my partner did and keep it and then find stuff I like to or get my time around with. Sometimes it also just needs some time to get used to the distance and to start to accept that it's over.
 
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Ironborn

Ironborn

Student
Jan 29, 2024
191
I used to be very patient, hardworking, always willing to help.
Somewhere along the way I just kind of hollowed out and didn't notice until a few months ago.
Don't know who the hell I am anymore but I'm certain I no longer want to be here.
 
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derpyderpins

derpyderpins

Proud Normie
Sep 19, 2023
1,301
I can remember past versions of myself and see them clearly, but it's like they're ghosts, and I could never hope to feel what they feel again.
 
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AmberianDawn

AmberianDawn

Member
Jun 9, 2024
37
When I look at my photos from just a few years ago, I was happy, or so it seemed in the photos. I was younger and happy, but as always, I took it upon myself to ruin everything, ruin myself again, I should have a title/degree that certifies my abilities to ruin things
 
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ham and potatoes

ham and potatoes

Just some hillbilly
Mar 27, 2024
191
I do. I used to be have hobbies, enjoyed doing things, liked going places,
Now basically nothing brings me joy, I'm always worried about something, and everything I used to enjoy just seems like a chore.
I'm not really sure when it changed, and I have no clue if/how it's possible to get back to that person I once was
 
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H

Hollowman

Empty
Dec 14, 2021
1,144
Barely, it's better not to remember clearly. That's torture.
 
MarsProxy

MarsProxy

Member
Nov 27, 2023
78
I honestly don't remember. I feel like I've been mentally altered in one day and lost all recollection of how I was before.
 
spring vainglory

spring vainglory

from a moon soaked in distance.
Feb 3, 2024
64
Yes I so remember who I was and to be honest it feels terrible. Knowing what I had, how good it felt, who I was, what I was capable of. It's all gone now. My mental sickness has devoured a lot of me and I wish I didn't remember.
this is exactly how i feel!!! i even ended up going through stages of grief over my past self. she was beautiful because the world was beautiful through her eyes. she could feel joy, and happily do things just because. that's all gone now and it hurts to remember what im missing, what im lacking.

who i am now feels like someone different entirely, i dont even behave the same and very little makes me feel. you know this already, but everything i do to fill the hole is for the sake of my favorite person, so i can't be much help to u there😞. honestly, the things im doing for his sake all keeps exploding in my face and i dont enjoy any of it, so it doesn't actually help to fill anything anyway. but its keeping me alive i guess.
 
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leaftomb

leaftomb

let's live fast and die young
Jun 15, 2024
51
Not really, honestly, but I've been feeling the way I do know for years now, it's just been building up, and as I'm still quite young I just naturally changed a lot. The me from "before" was like 12, so I guess it doesn't matter who I was. I wish I could know what I would've been tho, if I didn't end up the way I am now
 
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penguinl0v3s

penguinl0v3s

Wait for Me 💙
Nov 1, 2023
762
I've been unhappy my whole life. There's not a better version of myself that I yearn to be. It's just that sometimes my circumstances are better than others.

I get excited to greet my boyfriend during my lunch break every day. That's going to be a permanent memory.
 
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Qua

Qua

there's no turning back now
Apr 30, 2023
67
When I was a child, younger than 10yo, my mom was able to make me feel some kind of fine even because of all the family problems. I tried to live a normal life, I tried to be happy but as time moved, as I was growing up my mother stopped fucking mothering and my little self had to grow up into an adult instead. Honestly? I don't remember anything except for hearing arguments, escaping dad and trying to fix my parents relationship because they couldn't do it themselves. I just know that I'm more aggressive now, I've taken more personality traits of my dad in order to turn them against him, protecting my mom, the one who was (and honestly still is) supposed to protect me. I'm loosing myself, don't know my true personality because of how fucked up my brain. I wonder how I would've turned out if not for the family that I was born into
 
G

Guy089001

Member
Apr 23, 2024
38
I used to believe I was a much nicer person, or at least I tried to. I don't know if I was actually much better of a person or if I was just ignorant of how cruel and evil I am but after the events of almost nine years ago something snapped in me and I realized that only someone as twisted as I deserves to suffer in this way. I chose to lean in to my evil tendencies and gave up on pretending I'm good.
I've felt similar before. I hear you, but I don't agree with giving up on being "good." We are what we are - for better or worse.
 
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N

Not a Cylon

Blah
Jun 27, 2024
46
Hey! You're still in the very early stages of grief and your healing was delayed because you two couldn't let each other go (no judgement, these things are hard). Give yourself some grace and remember what you're experiencing is normal. It sucks, no doubt and it's hard to see through the fog because your life has taken such a dramatic turn, your day to day interactions aren't like they once where.

Are you able to take time off from work? Maybe clearing your head and a change of scenery for a few days could help?

It's gonna take awhile. You're gonna feel up and down. It's a rollercoaster. Broken hearts hurt and I'm sorry to read that you're dealing with this. The old you is still there, the person you are, it's just muted for now, that's all.
 
E

emptyenvelopes

Member
Jun 15, 2024
47
Gosh I feel your pain so hard because I went through the exact same thing. I think for a while you just have to go through the motions and get up everyday. And you'll feel nothing because that's the transition of your body living without them (like withdrawals). And your smallest lows will feel like the lowest lows. But your smallest highs will feel like the highest highs. And by just waking up and feeling al the things another day you build your resiliency. And you relearn who you are .

And truthfully it sucks and if you're like me you cry yourself to sleep and ask God to take your life away make often than not. But eventually that loneliness sinks to the bottom of your chest. It's still there, it will always be there. But it won't be rising up threatening to overwhelm you. I speak from experience. I don't feel fully healed or over it but I can truthfully admit that as months have passed, I have seen progress in my getting control back of my life.

Feel free to DM me if you want to talk more about this. You are not alone friend.
 

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