Venting Do you really actually wanna CTB?

[lastappleonearth]

I'm kinda new, given that some users even have been active for 2 or more years here.

But from my own experience irl and reading tons of threads, I can clearly see that some of you don't actually want to ctb.

I will say some things that will piss some of you.

I ain't a pro-lifer, I'm pro choice, nobody asked to be born but we all should be able to decide for our own life, having said this:

Some of you are young, like really young, I'm young too (over 25 but below 30) and I don't have health problems I just made some decisions that will cripple all my life going forward and I'm just exhausted, let's highlight that, exhausted, and I know FOR A FACT that It will get a lot, a lot harder.

Cuz I've tried, trust me, I've tried with all my heart and all my strength but still...for my own faults and external forces, i arrived to the conclusion that I want, I need to ctb (it will also remove some burdens to my close ones)

The thing is that I've been thinking about CTB since I was 16 but I gave myself a chance but it's gonna be hard, it's gonna be ugly af, probably 2/3x harder for you.

But some of you, don't really want to CTB, trust me, some of you just need to change environment, change point of view, change friends, change house, CHANGE.

All this things like everything else takes time but at least try, please, keep trying.

You are not terminally ill, you are free, you probably don't have debts, you probably can turn your life around.

And from what I've read some of you are just here seeking for attention, keep in mind that I hate you. I'd wish to have your life and your opportunities, just like someone else would like to be in my own life as well.

I'm an hypocrite, but at least, I aint coming here to be time wasting just because I had a "lil phase", go do something for real and THEN if you still want to CTB, come back here. Don't waste yourself for some minor and irrelevant stuff. C'mon.

There is someone here that is so sick that each day is a suffering, some people here actually won't have nothing going for them if they actually tried. Damn just by not being homeless is something that you should be happy about.

But still, you have to decide for yourself and yourself only, just be 100% sure if you want to CTB and if you're not 100% sure go LIVE YOUR LIFE, it will end anyway.

And I think that I wrote this thread for myself too...but I'm hopeless.

I mean sure, the environment, which surrounds you does affect you in a lot of ways and for a lot of people, who are stuck in unpleasant environments a change would prob help. The thing is that there will almost always be people, who'd wish to be in your specific situation, instead of their own, for various reasons. They see opportunities and possibilities, which you yourself can't see. You can also endlessly compare your own situation to other people's situations and come to the conclusion, that they have it worse and that means that your suffering is less justified, but suffering is always subjective. You can have it all from the perspective of someone else, who just views you from the outside, but you yourself can still suffer immensely and there's no way for anyone to look inside you and fully understand your suffering. I think, there's no need to justify suffering and to endlessly compare, it doesn't lead anywhere. It makes people feel invalidated in a way and they will not just stop suffering, because you tell them that they have it better than other people, just doesn't work that way. It'll only make them feel even worse about themselves and continue the vicious cycle, in which they have found themselves in.

Also I don't think that there's something inherently wrong with seeking attention, human beings crave attention and if you are very lonely, then it's normal for you to seek out some kind of attention, even if it's just online. In any case, I think that compassion and kindness are most important. You can never know how deeply a person feels pain, even tough this persons circumstances might to you seem not all that bad, but that simply does not matter

Drugs r only a temporary solution that provides more problems, from which you'll try to escape with more drugs, which will cause more problems, I don't recommend recommending that to people that are already at a weak spot of their life it's kinda fucked up actually

True, drugs don't lead anywhere good. I've been abusing xanax for a while and I'd never recommend it to anyone, it makes you temporarily feel better, but in the end it fucks u up even more. Same goes for any kind of drug rlly

 

[am045]

The thing is - Once important things go very wrong in your life, there is literally nothing you can do about them. You cannot go back in time, you cannot fix them. You just have to deal with the outcome for the rest of your life. Every time I get hopeful of the future, I am brought back down to reality. And my everyday reality is not good. Every time I tell myself that things will work out, I know that the things I wanted to work out did not. So at the end of the day, that leaves you with no choice other than to say that maybe calling it quits is not really a bad idea, given your everyday circumstances.

 

[StarsAbove]

I'm kinda new, given that some users even have been active for 2 or more years here.

But from my own experience irl and reading tons of threads, I can clearly see that some of you don't actually want to ctb.

I will say some things that will piss some of you.

I ain't a pro-lifer, I'm pro choice, nobody asked to be born but we all should be able to decide for our own life, having said this:

Some of you are young, like really young, I'm young too (over 25 but below 30) and I don't have health problems I just made some decisions that will cripple all my life going forward and I'm just exhausted, let's highlight that, exhausted, and I know FOR A FACT that It will get a lot, a lot harder.

Cuz I've tried, trust me, I've tried with all my heart and all my strength but still...for my own faults and external forces, i arrived to the conclusion that I want, I need to ctb (it will also remove some burdens to my close ones)

The thing is that I've been thinking about CTB since I was 16 but I gave myself a chance but it's gonna be hard, it's gonna be ugly af, probably 2/3x harder for you.

But some of you, don't really want to CTB, trust me, some of you just need to change environment, change point of view, change friends, change house, CHANGE.

All this things like everything else takes time but at least try, please, keep trying.

You are not terminally ill, you are free, you probably don't have debts, you probably can turn your life around.

And from what I've read some of you are just here seeking for attention, keep in mind that I hate you. I'd wish to have your life and your opportunities, just like someone else would like to be in my own life as well.

I'm an hypocrite, but at least, I aint coming here to be time wasting just because I had a "lil phase", go do something for real and THEN if you still want to CTB, come back here. Don't waste yourself for some minor and irrelevant stuff. C'mon.

There is someone here that is so sick that each day is a suffering, some people here actually won't have nothing going for them if they actually tried. Damn just by not being homeless is something that you should be happy about.

But still, you have to decide for yourself and yourself only, just be 100% sure if you want to CTB and if you're not 100% sure go LIVE YOUR LIFE, it will end anyway.

And I think that I wrote this thread for myself too...but I'm hopeless.

Do I want to? Yes and no. Im 38 and im getting really sick of this shit. I have been depressed most of my life. I did not think I would live past my adolescence but I held onto hope that things would get better when I got older and some of it did and I am lucky to have some of the things I have in my life. However, I cannot seem to connect deeply with others. I guess aside from some of you fine folks here. I guess I should just try to be around more depressed people eh?

What is a life without quality relationships? Who cares about the other stuff. With me there is a wall up that I cant figure out how to break down. I feel sad and lonely, even when I am with my friends because I feel misunderstood and weird, and our interactions are surface level. I am neurodivergent and that is likely a part of it, but I cant change that and it makes me hate myself. If I had people in my life that really valued me for who I am and we could connect on a mental and emotional level, no - I would not want to ctb.

I have do have to engage in a lot of personal development and wellness routines to just keep myself at a neutral baseline, not even happy, at least not most of the time and it feels like work, but when I don't do it I crash. I wish I could live like everyone else and I really dont think that is possible

 

[aunaltravita]

Yes Idk why society has decided to gloss over all the downsides and risks of smoking weed like none of it is problematic. There are also other serious issues like paranoia and flattened affect that are somehow not real I guess. I'm not saying everybody is gonna have bad consequences from smoking weed it depends for sure on your age, your personality and how much you smoke and I totally get that for some people it's a lifesaver medical aid but it can definitely mess you up quite a bit.

In my own experience, it amplifies your current state and also depends on your predisposition to said things: paranoia, depression, anxiety etc

I also noted that people that tend to abuse any kind of substance can and will probably spiral downwards anyway in some form or the other. I saw many people being functional and living even if they kept using cocaine almost everyday or here and there, so there's just something different either biologically or psychologically. It seems that my ironic suggestion triggered some of you, as it should, cuz you know it's not something that should be done (and I know that personally)

Yeah, I do. Have for years, and I'm happy with my decision.

I'm not homeless or the other things you mentioned necessarily, but that's my decision. I'm not sure who the people are seeking attention on here, but if it keeps them alive sobeit.

I'm glad you don't necessarily want to die, but a lot of people on here do. Theres such a misconception that EVERYONE who wants to die wants to "end their suffering" but this isn't the case with everyone. Some of us actually just don't want to live.

I always get the feeling that the majority are indeed very young. It really bothers me being old (60+) because I might be giving the impression that the best thing for these young people is to die. After all, what is the point of living to reach my age—unhappy and wishing for death? On the other hand, there is no way for me to know the nature of anyone's experiences or the intensity of their suffering. I notice people with socialization issues, people struggling with sexuality or acceptance, people with financial problems, and many others. There are also those with physical health issues, and so on. But I don't know if they also have chemical imbalances in the brain that exacerbate these issues. And we all know the brain is an organ that can get sick just like any other. My case, specifically, is 90% tied to the nature of existence itself. I view life as a biological process that began randomly and will end the same way. There is no meaning, no purpose, nothing supernatural, etc. It is merely a repetitive program that gradually drains one's physical and mental strength, all without purpose. I could write a lot about these feelings, but I no longer have the patience. If I could offer any advice to young people, I would say: Try to experience more of this idiotic life until you reach the point where the only way out is to end it all. Why? Because that brings a certain mental comfort. One of the reasons I am still alive—beyond the basic instinct shared by all forms of life, even after so many years of wishing for death—is my acceptance of the reality I have experienced and observed throughout my life: existence is the result of an accident or chance; existing means fulfilling a biological program; the human species is no different from any other, except for its self-awareness. We aren't special just because chance gave us consciousness through an evolutionary process. Ultimately, we are an accident, and death brings the end. There isn't much of a choice: either we end the process ourselves, or we wait for it to run its course. The latter option can be painful, slow, and humiliating—to the point where one loses all autonomy.

I drag myself through life, doing things I don't want to do, talking to people I don't want to talk to, going to a job I don't want. Existing in a world I don't want to be in. I feel like just another insect following its programming, but with the added burden of being aware of the futility of it all. Yet, so far, I haven't managed to break free—more out of a lack of method than any desire to remain here.

I want to CTB. I'm 28 now and have wanted to since I was in middle school. So that's 15 years.

That said, I also want my cat to be provided for. I bounce back and forth between whether my desire to end it all is more important than my duty to her. I don't want her to be in a situation where her well-being is compromised. I love her.

Realistically, my love for her is what's prevented me from sliding further. But it doesn't remove that underlying urge. That's the point. I am still depressed as hell.

Sounds fun /s. I do the same thing. Difference between us, other than age (I'm 36) is I broke free (tried to) by selling my house and moving to the countryside. But it's actually an exchange of one kind of survival to another. The one is capitalistic, grinding, slaving away under a paper contract. The next is more frugal, trying to grow your own food, fixing your own house and getting by trying to make ends meet on a more autonomous level. The latter does feel slightly better, but I am like you. I don't see any purpose anymore. At my age, I should have probably procreated to fool my biology into having a sense of meaning, but at this stage I'm just keeping myself alive to see the next day of work and boredom coming in, only to be left wondering what it is all about.

I look at the stars and I dream. I see the planets carelessly toiling in the night sky and I wonder what it means. I never felt at home here, and I doubt I ever will. But for now I have to stay, for a little while longer still.

Not everyone has complex problems like homelessness, debt, addictions, terminal illnesses etc. Obviously I do agree its way harder for those with those problems but i don't think its appropriate to downplay those who have other problems going on. Its easy to say its easy for us to turn our lives around but some of us just don't have the energy or interest to do so. I don't want to go into details on the things that happened to me but for many years ive always felt like life is meaningless or my life is worthless. I just tried ignoring these thoughts over the years and keeping myself busy with other activities. But over the past year even thats getting harder. I can barely do anything now. I haven't worked in 3 months. Haven't been eating well and lost 10 kg. I've tried getting better but my country overall is just not a good environment. The waitlists for therapy or a psychiatric consultation are too long. Can take upto 2-3 months. Only chance you have of getting one is doing an attempt dangerous enough to be hospitalized by which the government will step in and make emergency appointments. Its a pain in the ass. Im not really interested in getting help anymore. I am still scared to take my life but i have made my decision and i plan to follow through it in the next few weeks or maybe days. This world is just not meant for me

I mean sure, the environment, which surrounds you does affect you in a lot of ways and for a lot of people, who are stuck in unpleasant environments a change would prob help. The thing is that there will almost always be people, who'd wish to be in your specific situation, instead of their own, for various reasons. They see opportunities and possibilities, which you yourself can't see. You can also endlessly compare your own situation to other people's situations and come to the conclusion, that they have it worse and that means that your suffering is less justified, but suffering is always subjective. You can have it all from the perspective of someone else, who just views you from the outside, but you yourself can still suffer immensely and there's no way for anyone to look inside you and fully understand your suffering. I think, there's no need to justify suffering and to endlessly compare, it doesn't lead anywhere. It makes people feel invalidated in a way and they will not just stop suffering, because you tell them that they have it better than other people, just doesn't work that way. It'll only make them feel even worse about themselves and continue the vicious cycle, in which they have found themselves in.

Also I don't think that there's something inherently wrong with seeking attention, human beings crave attention and if you are very lonely, then it's normal for you to seek out some kind of attention, even if it's just online. In any case, I think that compassion and kindness are most important. You can never know how deeply a person feels pain, even tough this persons circumstances might to you seem not all that bad, but that simply does not matter

True, drugs don't lead anywhere good. I've been abusing xanax for a while and I'd never recommend it to anyone, it makes you temporarily feel better, but in the end it fucks u up even more. Same goes for any kind of drug rlly

The thing is - Once important things go very wrong in your life, there is literally nothing you can do about them. You cannot go back in time, you cannot fix them. You just have to deal with the outcome for the rest of your life. Every time I get hopeful of the future, I am brought back down to reality. And my everyday reality is not good. Every time I tell myself that things will work out, I know that the things I wanted to work out did not. So at the end of the day, that leaves you with no choice other than to say that maybe calling it quits is not really a bad idea, given your everyday circumstances.

Do I want to? Yes and no. Im 38 and im getting really sick of this shit. I have been depressed most of my life. I did not think I would live past my adolescence but I held onto hope that things would get better when I got older and some of it did and I am lucky to have some of the things I have in my life. However, I cannot seem to connect deeply with others. I guess aside from some of you fine folks here. I guess I should just try to be around more depressed people eh?

What is a life without quality relationships? Who cares about the other stuff. With me there is a wall up that I cant figure out how to break down. I feel sad and lonely, even when I am with my friends because I feel misunderstood and weird, and our interactions are surface level. I am neurodivergent and that is likely a part of it, but I cant change that and it makes me hate myself. If I had people in my life that really valued me for who I am and we could connect on a mental and emotional level, no - I would not want to ctb.

I have do have to engage in a lot of personal development and wellness routines to just keep myself at a neutral baseline, not even happy, at least not most of the time and it feels like work, but when I don't do it I crash. I wish I could live like everyone else and I really dont think that is possible

Ye there's no really dumb people here, each message I quoted has some sort of meta-cognitive analysis on life, people that can just "live it trough" just seem to not see the system we live in or just seem to not care at all and be contempt with it.

Do y'all think that without having the intelligence to see things like this and be more "naive" would've put you in a different position from now?

I can feel that if I didn't had the capacity to approximately project my coming years I would not want to CTB, I'd just go with it, and, for someone to say that it's gonna be useless to even try means that they actually weighted all options and arrived to the conclusion that CTB is just the best outcome overall.

Myself, too, I could just go back in my country and keep on living but for what? To be "enslaved" in the system and just keep on "living" but with an even bigger burden that now? No thanks.

But having double thoughts regarding the well being of our loved ones, making sure they are ok after our departure, it's something that fascinates me so much...because CTB is the most selfish and highest form of self love that someone could do, but still, for some of us, we still want to make sure that OTHER people will be ok. Ironic, even if for some they don't really care about others.

The myth of Sisyphus, is the one that I see is really burdening us all.

 

[Argent]

In my own experience, it amplifies your current state and also depends on your predisposition to said things: paranoia, depression, anxiety etc

I also noted that people that tend to abuse any kind of substance can and will probably spiral downwards anyway in some form or the other. I saw many people being functional and living even if they kept using cocaine almost everyday or here and there, so there's just something different either biologically or psychologically. It seems that my ironic suggestion triggered some of you, as it should, cuz you know it's not something that should be done (and I know that personally)



















Ye there's no really dumb people here, each message I quoted has some sort of meta-cognitive analysis on life, people that can just "live it trough" just seem to not see the system we live in or just seem to not care at all and be contempt with it.

Do y'all think that without having the intelligence to see things like this and be more "naive" would've put you in a different position from now?

I can feel that if I didn't had the capacity to approximately project my coming years I would not want to CTB, I'd just go with it, and, for someone to say that it's gonna be useless to even try means that they actually weighted all options and arrived to the conclusion that CTB is just the best outcome overall.

Myself, too, I could just go back in my country and keep on living but for what? To be "enslaved" in the system and just keep on "living" but with an even bigger burden that now? No thanks.

But having double thoughts regarding the well being of our loved ones, making sure they are ok after our departure, it's something that fascinates me so much...because CTB is the most selfish and highest form of self love that someone could do, but still, for some of us, we still want to make sure that OTHER people will be ok. Ironic, even if for some they don't really care about others.

The myth of Sisyphus, is the one that I see is really burdening us all.

Probably, yeah. Knowing that it doesn't have to be this way but is is a big part of the problem.

 

[hdead]

Do y'all think that without having the intelligence to see things like this and be more "naive" would've put you in a different position from now?

The myth of Sisyphus, is the one that I see is really burdening us all.

I think you're right on the money with that. Some days I wish a was a little more dumb and blind to it all. Being somewhat hyper cognizant and having the cognitive ability to wonder about things intelligently does sometimes weigh me down like some curse. I remember when I was a child and I would look at pictures of nebulas and planets my mind was already going to 'Why, how, what is this, how did it come into being, what does it mean'. Also having a good memory and a brain that loves just throwing these memories back at me, it makes it hard to forget and move on from stuff I've seen in the past. Hitting a nail in a piece of wood does wonders these days, not gonna lie. But not a day goes by where my mind wants to spiral on the bigger questions.

I hadn't heard of the myth of Sisyphus, but it does nicely encompass my troubles indeed.

I have come to find though, that human connection gives the most meaning. If you find a person that you resonate deeply and you want to care for, it immediately sparks back some kind of hope and life that wasn't there before. However, that has troubles of its own which can then send you right back down the whole from whence one came.

 

[StarsAbove]

But having double thoughts regarding the well being of our loved ones, making sure they are ok after our departure, it's something that fascinates me so much...because CTB is the most selfish and highest form of self love that someone could do, but still, for some of us, we still want to make sure that OTHER people will be ok. Ironic, even if for some they don't really care about others.

I think part of our problem sometimes is recognizing when people care, myself included. In my darker moments, I think no one cares and would be better off without me. I hesitate to know for sure and feel like maybe its somewhere in the middle. Of anyone in my life, I am pretty sure I am no one's favorite. Then i think, maybe I am just tolerated....and then it snowballs from there. I know I need to be my own favorite. Thats what I need to work on but it is hard

 

[aunaltravita]

I think you're right on the money with that. Some days I wish a was a little more dumb and blind to it all. Being somewhat hyper cognizant and having the cognitive ability to wonder about things intelligently does sometimes weigh me down like some curse. I remember when I was a child and I would look at pictures of nebulas and planets my mind was already going to 'Why, how, what is this, how did it come into being, what does it mean'. Also having a good memory and a brain that loves just throwing these memories back at me, it makes it hard to forget and move on from stuff I've seen in the past. Hitting a nail in a piece of wood does wonders these days, not gonna lie. But not a day goes by where my mind wants to spiral on the bigger questions.

I hadn't heard of the myth of Sisyphus, but it does nicely encompass my troubles indeed.

I have come to find though, that human connection gives the most meaning. If you find a person that you resonate deeply and you want to care for, it immediately sparks back some kind of hope and life that wasn't there before. However, that has troubles of its own which can then send you right back down the whole from whence one came.

I think that high cognitive activity is directly related to depression. It's like thinking is poisonous, because, just like many posts I've read about it, if I'm occupied with some manual tasks where I can just "turn off" my brain I'm good, it's in the "boring" times that I see my mind drifting where it shouldn't, that was the main meaning of "keep trying", the only issue is that those "dead times" will come and will be present in one way or another and it's difficult to be doing something 24/7, especially for people that do not actually have the physical capabilities to do so or the mental energy to even get out of bed.

I think part of our problem sometimes is recognizing when people care, myself included. In my darker moments, I think no one cares and would be better off without me. I hesitate to know for sure and feel like maybe its somewhere in the middle. Of anyone in my life, I am pretty sure I am no one's favorite. Then i think, maybe I am just tolerated....and then it snowballs from there. I know I need to be my own favorite. Thats what I need to work on but it is hard

See, when I'm in a good mood I think that some people actually care, but then, I start to see things realistically and start to see that people do not actually care unless it's for themselves, it may be a selfish way of seeing the world but as I said before: each one of us feels and actually is the main character of our own movie (life). Yes, people will actually be sad, care, for someone and something but in the end of the day it's just them with their own thoughts and their own image. Each one thinks about its own life not the other way around, even when people say like: oh you can do it, I believe in you! But it's just to be nice because of societal norms not because someone actually believes it, don't know if I said it correctly.

People are irrational and hypocritical, there is no one excluded. Some of you will say: oh keep trying, don't tear yourself down, after reading about someone that failed his attempt.

But you wouldn't say that to yourself, get it? Empathy does exist ma still, everything feels so fake to me cuz everytime I be thinking positively something happens that will put my feet back on the ground and remind me that nothing matter, we'll all die, and the only things that really matters don't really matter at all when you're 6 feet deep.

Someone talked about successfull musicians...I got to a point where I recently was kinda famous, not sucessfull in terms of money, but got recognition and everything and I can tell you for a fact: it went all down from there, and, for a few reasons of it because of me.

But trust me, you don't want to feel down like this and know that random people in the street will recognize you and will try to talk to you, it's a whole different feeling, because I don't wanna be seen I just wanna be invisible but you can't. Fortunately now it's easier as I have disappeared online, but it was kinda hard months before

 

[LakeMungoGirl]

I wanna die so badly I'm just scared of the pain and messing up and ending up worse off than before

 

[suicidalalcoholic]

Do y'all think that without having the intelligence to see things like this and be more "naive" would've put you in a different position from now?

maybe yeah. im not calling myself smart, i honestly dont know if i am but sometimes i wish i was more dumb or i could just stop thinking.

 

[melon-melancholy]

I feel unsure because I'm 19 and I hear that things get better as you get older and I want to be their for a couple of family members, but I'm so scared that things won't change. I'm still not sure why It's hard for me to make true friends when I can easily make acquaintances or people that don't treat me like their other friends. Why do I try to be there for others when I don't seem to get the same in return.

 

[starboy2k]

show of hands.

who on this site is sick and fucking tired of the unnecessary litmus tests imposed by people who are just as fucked up as you—if not more?

 

[aunaltravita]

I wanna die so badly I'm just scared of the pain and messing up and ending up worse off than before

Just gotta be patient and prepare everything in the best way you can, regardless of the method you'll choose.

Or you could just postpone your date and set it up later, when you'll have more time and energy to organize your CTB well.

maybe yeah. im not calling myself smart, i honestly dont know if i am but sometimes i wish i was more dumb or i could just stop thinking.

Ain't no stupid is asking himself if he's stupid or smart, trust me

I feel unsure because I'm 19 and I hear that things get better as you get older and I want to be their for a couple of family members, but I'm so scared that things won't change. I'm still not sure why It's hard for me to make true friends when I can easily make acquaintances or people that don't treat me like their other friends. Why do I try to be there for others when I don't seem to get the same in return.

It depends, it really depends on a lot of factor and most of them are outside your control (country of birth, family, character, circumstances, connections, mindset etc)

And look, it's a lot easier to make acquaintances rather than "true friends" because most people don't want to actually have deeper connections, get it?
What you are searching for is rare and not something that will fall on your lap, and most of the time real friendship it's something that needs time to build up.

Take your time man, you're not behind and you're not late, give yourself a chance. Usually you'll find people like you along the way :)

show of hands.

who on this site is sick and fucking tired of the unnecessary litmus tests imposed by people who are just as fucked up as you—if not more?

What's a litmus test bro?

 

[tiramisu]

i will do it soon, and it will work.

 

[StarsAbove]

See, when I'm in a good mood I think that some people actually care, but then, I start to see things realistically and start to see that people do not actually care unless it's for themselves, it may be a selfish way of seeing the world but as I said before: each one of us feels and actually is the main character of our own movie (life). Yes, people will actually be sad, care, for someone and something but in the end of the day it's just them with their own thoughts and their own image. Each one thinks about its own life not the other way around, even when people say like: oh you can do it, I believe in you! But it's just to be nice because of societal norms not because someone actually believes it, don't know if I said it correctly.

People are irrational and hypocritical, there is no one excluded. Some of you will say: oh keep trying, don't tear yourself down, after reading about someone that failed his attempt.

But you wouldn't say that to yourself, get it? Empathy does exist ma still, everything feels so fake to me cuz everytime I be thinking positively something happens that will put my feet back on the ground and remind me that nothing matter, we'll all die, and the only things that really matters don't really matter at all when you're 6 feet deep.

Someone talked about successfull musicians...I got to a point where I recently was kinda famous, not sucessfull in terms of money, but got recognition and everything and I can tell you for a fact: it went all down from there, and, for a few reasons of it because of me.

But trust me, you don't want to feel down like this and know that random people in the street will recognize you and will try to talk to you, it's a whole different feeling, because I don't wanna be seen I just wanna be invisible but you can't. Fortunately now it's easier as I have disappeared online, but it was kinda hard months before

That certainly changes things when you are famous. Everyone wants to be on your good side and it can be hard to tell who is genuine and who wants something from you. I do believe there must be some people out there who care, but definitely not the majority. You have to have a pretty deep relationship with someone to achieve that.

 

[hazelmoon]

you just got here and you're already so negative and judgmental. We are ALL here for a reason. Nobody joins a suicide forum for attention. You're not allowed to say why or why not people should be depressed. I come from a well off family, (not close with them but oh well) I never have to worry about struggling financially, I never have to worry about my next meal, and I never have to worry about being homeless. I live in a beautiful home, drive a gorgeous new car, etc. but I still want to die. Just because everything seems good on the outside doesn't mean it's good on the inside. You should never judge from the outside looking in. A lot of people can't even explain why they're so desperately depressed, it's just how their brains are. Depression doesn't have a face, it doesn't have a bank account, it doesn't have a preference. It can and will attack anybody.

 

[Passenger4224]

I read so many stories on here about people trapped in difficult situations, it is so horrible how rough many people have it. That's one of the things I hate most about the world. No matter how much you are suffering there are others that are worse off.

I don't think there's any valid/invalid reason to CTB, some people don't necessarily have any problems but don't get enjoyment from life. Others don't want to deal with the stupid 40 hours a week grind.

Also there are many ways people can use this forum, it's not just for people serious about CTB. Some people just want to discuss/vent on a free speech platform. Others are here to recover and find a community of people they can relate to.

 

[aunaltravita]

i will do it soon, and it will work.

Wish you a great trip bro

That certainly changes things when you are famous. Everyone wants to be on your good side and it can be hard to tell who is genuine and who wants something from you. I do believe there must be some people out there who care, but definitely not the majority. You have to have a pretty deep relationship with someone to achieve that.

There are people that care, it's just that life is hard on everyone so even if someone's actually is good hearted and kind that person still has to think about himself/herself in the end

you just got here and you're already so negative and judgmental. We are ALL here for a reason. Nobody joins a suicide forum for attention. You're not allowed to say why or why not people should be depressed. I come from a well off family, (not close with them but oh well) I never have to worry about struggling financially, I never have to worry about my next meal, and I never have to worry about being homeless. I live in a beautiful home, drive a gorgeous new car, etc. but I still want to die. Just because everything seems good on the outside doesn't mean it's good on the inside. You should never judge from the outside looking in. A lot of people can't even explain why they're so desperately depressed, it's just how their brains are. Depression doesn't have a face, it doesn't have a bank account, it doesn't have a preference. It can and will attack anybody.

Why you feeling attacked bro?
Did you actually read what I wrote? Did you grasp the actual meaning of it?

Look, just to cite Di Caprio, with a bit of SaSu mood on it:

"I'd rather die in a gorgeous new car than a bus"

Anyway, yeah man you're right about everything as mental health is not something directly related to status or money, but hey you can actually CTB with a greater view than me lol

Jokes apart, you should not feel attacked by my post man.

I read so many stories on here about people trapped in difficult situations, it is so horrible how rough many people have it. That's one of the things I hate most about the world. No matter how much you are suffering there are others that are worse off.

I don't think there's any valid/invalid reason to CTB, some people don't necessarily have any problems but don't get enjoyment from life. Others don't want to deal with the stupid 40 hours a week grind.

Also there are many ways people can use this forum, it's not just for people serious about CTB. Some people just want to discuss/vent on a free speech platform. Others are here to recover and find a community of people they can relate to.

It's just that I feel resentment for those that don't even think about CTB for real but just want that kind of attention for their self esteem, just that, but, I know for a fact that even if I'm not "rich" as that guy I quoted up here I'm still, in a privileged position compared to some or most of people, fuck, I ain't even grew up in a war zone, imagine being born and growing up in a war zone that is horrible to say the least, but, as some people there CTB there are also some people that push it through, escape and build a life somewhere else.

Life is precious in the end, but for some it's just not worth it to keep going.

Some of you misunderstood me and that's okay, it happens

 

[hazelmoon]

Wish you a great trip bro



There are people that care, it's just that life is hard on everyone so even if someone's actually is good hearted and kind that person still has to think about himself/herself in the end



Why you feeling attacked bro?
Did you actually read what I wrote? Did you grasp the actual meaning of it?

Look, just to cite Di Caprio, with a bit of SaSu mood on it:

"I'd rather die in a gorgeous new car than a bus"

Anyway, yeah man you're right about everything as mental health is not something directly related to status or money, but hey you can actually CTB with a greater view than me lol

Jokes apart, you should not feel attacked by my post man.


It's just that I feel resentment for those that don't even think about CTB for real but just want that kind of attention for their self esteem, just that, but, I know for a fact that even if I'm not "rich" as that guy I quoted up here I'm still, in a privileged position compared to some or most of people, fuck, I ain't even grew up in a war zone, imagine being born and growing up in a war zone that is horrible to say the least, but, as some people there CTB there are also some people that push it through, escape and build a life somewhere else.

Life is precious in the end, but for some it's just not worth it to keep going.

Some of you misunderstood me and that's okay, it happens

I do not feel attacked like relax fr. I was using myself as an example that anybody and everybody can be suicidal for literally any reason, and it might not make sense to you, but you shouldn't judge! This is supposed to be a community where we all feel safe with like-minded people. When you get on here saying people are just looking for attention, their lives aren't bad enough, etc. you're just creating a hostile environment and those kind of remarks do not belong in a community like this.

 

[ringing-bell]

i really want to, im tired of having this awful chronic pain since the pandemic, but then i think of my loved ones and i stop, but the thought never goes away.
if scientists managed to somehow discover that the afterlife exists and showed solid proof, i would kms asap, even if it hurts, im too coward to figure it out myself, what if its the void, nothingness, it scares me, i think i just wanna keep my consciousness while no longer having to deal with pain.

 

[unclejack]

I'm almost 50. I didn't expect to ever be in a place where I was waiting at the bus stop, but here I am. I lived my life, had everything I wanted, lost it all. No path forward fixes it except one. I'm just trying to make sure I get my h2s mixture right other than just "lots of everything and hope that'll do it" lol. I'm actively preparing for the next couple days, so yes, I definitely do want to.

 

[dragonofenvy]

Drugs r only a temporary solution that provides more problems, from which you'll try to escape with more drugs, which will cause more problems, I don't recommend recommending that to people that are already at a weak spot of their life it's kinda fucked up actually

It is really fucked up to be saying that. I'm ignoring this person.

As a drug addict I can confirm that they're right. People recommending me drugs is what got me into them. Now I'm wholly dependent on them, and it fucking sucks.

homeless is something that you should be happy about.

Trust me, I practice gratitude with statements like this a lot. DBT skills helped out a lot. I still am unhappy with my housing situation. Some people hate living in the home that they do, but just because they're not homeless doesn't mean that they're magically going to become happy. I fucking wish it did.

The thing is that I've been thinking about CTB since I was 16 but I gave myself a chance but it's gonna be hard, it's gonna be ugly af, probably 2/3x harder for you.

If we're going to do some self-comparison my first suicide attempt was at age 8. Think about what has to happen for an 8 year old to think suicide is an option. I've attempted 3 times since joining the site. Everybody goes through hardships.

The thing is that I've been thinking about CTB since I was 16 but I gave myself a chance but it's gonna be hard, it's gonna be ugly af, probably 2/3x harder for you.

But some of you, don't really want to CTB, trust me, some of you just need to change environment, change point of view, change friends, change house, CHANGE.

All this things like everything else takes time but at least try, please, keep trying.

You are not terminally ill, you are free, you probably don't have debts, you probably can turn your life around.

Oh, believe me, I know. I have tried many times in my life. Those efforts were in vain. Still I am trying, and I've made advances. Ironically enough, this very site was the first stepping stone for me to get better, and I continue to use the site as such. One of the biggest reasons I want to die is due to loneliness. Well, looks like I found a place where I won't be alone with my struggles.

Look, I know that anything that I say isn't gonna convince you. The only thing that would is starting a livestream of me shooting myself in the head today. But God forbid people go to a place to vent their struggles because they've never been heard. God forbid the children of parents who don't care about them seek validation elsewhere. God forbid that the answer for some people is to process their emotions rather than look for fixes. Emotional processing, for many people is the solution. If you were competent in psychology you would know this. There's also the factor of learned helplessness which if very hard to beat.

They are not looking for attention. They're looking for compassion, which you seem to lack. There's very key difference between the two. If you're going to invalidate the people who use this site, let's do some self-comparisons.

The thing is that I've been thinking about CTB since I was 16 but I gave myself a chance but it's gonna be hard, it's gonna be ugly af, probably 2/3x harder for you.

First attempt of mine was at age 8. I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 5. FIVE. I wonder what a child has to go through to have that happen. I think by your logic this means that you shouldn't ctb because you still have a chance compared to me. I think in an ideal world both of us would choose recovery, and manage to turn our lives around. Let me just ask you straight up: Do you like it when people kill themselves?

I'm an hypocrite, but at least, I aint coming here to be time wasting just because I had a "lil phase", go do something for real and THEN if you still want to CTB, come back here. Don't waste yourself for some minor and irrelevant stuff. C'mon.

What is with this gatekeeping? "Lil phase?" It's terms like that which are the reason I joined this site in the first place, because this was the only place where, unlike you, people actually gave a shit.

Some people just need a space. Why does that space have to conform to everything YOU want?

 

[aunaltravita]

i really want to, im tired of having this awful chronic pain since the pandemic, but then i think of my loved ones and i stop, but the thought never goes away.
if scientists managed to somehow discover that the afterlife exists and showed solid proof, i would kms asap, even if it hurts, im too coward to figure it out myself, what if its the void, nothingness, it scares me, i think i just wanna keep my consciousness while no longer having to deal with pain.

Chronic pain or any kind of debilitating illness would be unbearable in my mind, idk how y'all keep going and i deeply respect anyone that I met that pushes trough it everyday.

What you said about consciousness intrigues me a lot, I've always been curious about reincarnation and everything else but maybe it's just SI?

Try to push it through as long as you can man.

I'm almost 50. I didn't expect to ever be in a place where I was waiting at the bus stop, but here I am. I lived my life, had everything I wanted, lost it all. No path forward fixes it except one. I'm just trying to make sure I get my h2s mixture right other than just "lots of everything and hope that'll do it" lol. I'm actively preparing for the next couple days, so yes, I definitely do want to.

I never imagined myself reaching 60 so I kinda get what you're saying...

h2s mixture for a detergent ctb? Should be easy if you can get ahold of the right high concentrations substances, you have lab equipment or you're doing everything homemade? I'd just mind the safety protocols for other people will eventually find you...

I do not feel attacked like relax fr. I was using myself as an example that anybody and everybody can be suicidal for literally any reason, and it might not make sense to you, but you shouldn't judge! This is supposed to be a community where we all feel safe with like-minded people. When you get on here saying people are just looking for attention, their lives aren't bad enough, etc. you're just creating a hostile environment and those kind of remarks do not belong in a community like this.

As a drug addict I can confirm that they're right. People recommending me drugs is what got me into them. Now I'm wholly dependent on them, and it fucking sucks.


Trust me, I practice gratitude with statements like this a lot. DBT skills helped out a lot. I still am unhappy with my housing situation. Some people hate living in the home that they do, but just because they're not homeless doesn't mean that they're magically going to become happy. I fucking wish it did.

If we're going to do some self-comparison my first suicide attempt was at age 8. Think about what has to happen for an 8 year old to think suicide is an option. I've attempted 3 times since joining the site. Everybody goes through hardships.

Oh, believe me, I know. I have tried many times in my life. Those efforts were in vain. Still I am trying, and I've made advances. Ironically enough, this very site was the first stepping stone for me to get better, and I continue to use the site as such. One of the biggest reasons I want to die is due to loneliness. Well, looks like I found a place where I won't be alone with my struggles.

Look, I know that anything that I say isn't gonna convince you. The only thing that would is starting a livestream of me shooting myself in the head today. But God forbid people go to a place to vent their struggles because they've never been heard. God forbid the children of parents who don't care about them seek validation elsewhere. God forbid that the answer for some people is to process their emotions rather than look for fixes. Emotional processing, for many people is the solution. If you were competent in psychology you would know this. There's also the factor of learned helplessness which if very hard to beat.

They are not looking for attention. They're looking for compassion, which you seem to lack. There's very key difference between the two. If you're going to invalidate the people who use this site, let's do some self-comparisons.

First attempt of mine was at age 8. I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 5. FIVE. I wonder what a child has to go through to have that happen. I think by your logic this means that you shouldn't ctb because you still have a chance compared to me. I think in an ideal world both of us would choose recovery, and manage to turn our lives around. Let me just ask you straight up: Do you like it when people kill themselves?

What is with this gatekeeping? "Lil phase?" It's terms like that which are the reason I joined this site in the first place, because this was the only place where, unlike you, people actually gave a shit.

Some people just need a space. Why does that space have to conform to everything YOU want?

You seem to have misunderstood what I said and I repeat, my OP was not for you...

Idk how you read that but it's not in the tone you think, it's more a:

What are you doing here? Go outside, keep on living, come back here whenever you want, there will always be someone that will support you no matter what.

But I repeat, some people don't actually want to CTB and this is a fact, given that the forum gets a million visitors per month if I'm not mistaken, there's a percentage that doesn't really care at all and can say that just by reading some threads, there are OTHER online places too to vent, also, this is a CTB forum if someone here is not REALLY AT THAT POINT he/she might think that CTB's the only solution when, maybe, they could've had a chance from a different point of view, get it?

Imagine someone at 15yo healthy, good family, nice country, he feels like shit because of whatever reason and is sad af: would you prefer him going to SaSu or some other places not related to CTB where he/she still can vent?

I personally, would prefer him/her to think about it, not be exposed to methods, not feel like CTB is the only option. But, if this is the only place where someone truly feels understood and seen so be it.

But I repeat, some people just want attention, not even compassion, I still stand on that and I think that's disrespectful towards people that are on here because they really need it.

There's also no convincing to be done here, why think like that? Why would you need to convince me? Your life is your life and my life is my life, you're not the target of my OP

EDIT: what I meant to say, in my opinion, is that CTB shouldn't be your FIRST option it should be your LAST.

I ain't a pro lifer, I'm pro choice and if someone has other choices they should explore them ALL before getting to the last resort, if you're unsure you should at least TRY.

And I'm an hypocrite, cuz i too still have one or two choices to pick up from before CTB but I know they'll both be long, so emotionally painful and exhausting and I just don't want to lift these boulders anymore.

 

[dragonofenvy]

You seem to have misunderstood what I said and I repeat, my OP was not for you...

Idk how you read that but it's not in the tone you think, it's more a:

What are you doing here? Go outside, keep on living, come back here whenever you want, there will always be someone that will support you no matter what.

But I repeat, some people don't actually want to CTB and this is a fact, given that the forum gets a million visitors per month if I'm not mistaken, there's a percentage that doesn't really care at all and can say that just by reading some threads, there are OTHER online places too to vent, also, this is a CTB forum if someone here is not REALLY AT THAT POINT he/she might think that CTB's the only solution when, maybe, they could've had a chance from a different point of view, get it?

Imagine someone at 15yo healthy, good family, nice country, he feels like shit because of whatever reason and is sad af: would you prefer him going to SaSu or some other places not related to CTB where he/she still can vent?

I personally, would prefer him/her to think about it, not be exposed to methods, not feel like CTB is the only option. But, if this is the only place where someone truly feels understood and seen so be it.

But I repeat, some people just want attention, not even compassion, I still stand on that and I think that's disrespectful towards people that are on here because they really need it.

You know what? Fair enough. You're right. I was misunderstanding the message. I'm sorry for being so inflammatory towards you, and I thank you for responding in a respectful manner. You made a lot of good points in your response to me. Particularly "But, if this is the only place where someone truly feels understood and seen so be it."

The only thing I will give caution to is the idea of people wanting attention. There's reasons that they might seek that validation that they're not even aware of. It's a matter of perspective. Some people indeed go through a pretty normal life, but just because some people here are in a better situation than we are doesn't mean that the suffering they're feeling isn't real.

There's also no convincing to be done here, why think like that? Why would you need to convince me? Your life is your life and my life is my life, you're not the target of my OP

Honestly, I think I saw you say that some users were here for 2 years or more, saw that I was here for nearly 3 years, and immediately became defensive. I've realized who the targets for the post were from your response.

 

[aunaltravita]

You know what? Fair enough. You're right. I was misunderstanding the message. I'm sorry for being so inflammatory towards you, and I thank you for responding in a respectful manner. You made a lot of good points in your response to me. Particularly "But, if this is the only place where someone truly feels understood and seen so be it."

The only thing I will give caution to is the idea of people wanting attention. There's reasons that they might seek that validation that they're not even aware of. It's a matter of perspective. Some people indeed go through a pretty normal life, but just because some people here are in a better situation than we are doesn't mean that the suffering they're feeling isn't real.


Honestly, I think I saw you say that some users were here for 2 years or more, saw that I was here for nearly 3 years, and immediately became defensive. I've realized who the targets for the post were from your response.

No issues, I also wrote that OP while in a bad mood.

I'm sorry for your life story and thank you for sharing it, I just can't imagine the strength that some of you have to have to still be here after one year or more honestly, cuz I won't be able to reach even one year here myself...

 

[unclejack]

I never imagined myself reaching 60 so I kinda get what you're saying...

h2s mixture for a detergent ctb? Should be easy if you can get ahold of the right high concentrations substances, you have lab equipment or you're doing everything homemade? I'd just mind the safety protocols for other people will eventually find you...

Yeah, homemade. I'm broke. I need "can get at Walmart/TSC/Home Depot/etc" kinda thing. Wife left me with n-o-t-h-i-n-g. So spending $25 at a department/hardware store is where we're at.

Worry not, I have MSDS and PPE warnings for the car windows already printed. I just basically need to make sure I get the right things and the right mix so I can finally be done. Like, as soon as I know what I need, I'll be making my final thread here to let everyone know.

I gave myself a month to see if I could grow accustomed to this new reality and it actually just gets worse. It's like being locked in a box underwater. You can't get out of it but you still scream and scratch at the walls trying to get out while the panic gets worse.

 

[aunaltravita]

Yeah, homemade. I'm broke. I need "can get at Walmart/TSC/Home Depot/etc" kinda thing. Wife left me with n-o-t-h-i-n-g. So spending $25 at a department/hardware store is where we're at.

Worry not, I have MSDS and PPE warnings for the car windows already printed. I just basically need to make sure I get the right things and the right mix so I can finally be done. Like, as soon as I know what I need, I'll be making my final thread here to let everyone know.

I gave myself a month to see if I could grow accustomed to this new reality and it actually just gets worse. It's like being locked in a box underwater. You can't get out of it but you still scream and scratch at the walls trying to get out while the panic gets worse.

Wish you luck man it's not that easy to make but as long as you have the formula down it's doable.

Unfortunately I can understand you in some way...

 

[unclejack]

Wish you luck man it's not that easy to make but as long as you have the formula down it's doable.

Unfortunately I can understand you in some way...

Well, hopefully it's not too difficult. Some things I've read made it seem like as long as you have the correct A and the correct B, putting them together is going to get C, the only difference is how fast you produce it. But I'm not a chemist, that's why I'm trying to use the internet for it, heh.

 

[aunaltravita]

Well, hopefully it's not too difficult. Some things I've read made it seem like as long as you have the correct A and the correct B, putting them together is going to get C, the only difference is how fast you produce it. But I'm not a chemist, that's why I'm trying to use the internet for it, heh.

Yes, as long as the concentrations are alright you should be getting C

 

[final.call]

I'm fascinated by the perspectives and experiences that people have expressed here; honestly I think this is such a brilliant thread. I relate to so much of what's being said.

There's so much therapeutic value in self-acknowledgement that one is not alone in their struggles; this thread has proved that to me. Feeling seen and truly understood is equally important, and however difficult that may be, we should all strive for it through real human connection.

Btw if anyone here lives in London or even anywhere else in the UK, hit me up. Meeting and building friendships with other like-minded individuals could be what helps in healing ourselves, whilst also giving us a reason to stay.