Discussion Do you loathe yourself?

[whatevs]

When I see old comments of myself on GooTube I always cringe. I don't like my voice in recordings etc. When I walk on the street I feel scared of seeing someone that knows me. It's like I am deeply ashamed of myself. There is something inside of me that doesn't accept me, that hates my guts, that despises me. I always think it must be because my favourite cousin, that was like an older brother to me, sexually abused me when I was a kid and I repressed the trauma until I was 16. He was my beloved/admired cousin until that point. I remember a strange scene when I was an older child of feeling incredibly ashamed, sobbing and hiding beneath a table. My family was there. I don't know more context but I kinda remember they didn't know why I was acting that way and they were uncomfortable. I tend to connect this scene with what my cousin did to me.

I mean, there are objective reasons why I would feel inferior to some people, but at the same time there is asymmetry between my conscious self image and my subconscious self-image. My subconscious has been trying to kill me for many years now, it's obvious.

I have detected this mental problem or hurdle with many people in the forum. I think it's a no brainer. Not everyone is overtly self-loathing but its very common to see. I would fucking want to cure this, psychologists have never been of any fucking help.

 

[FuneralCry]

I have never really hated myself, but instead all my negative feelings are directed towards life instead. I never asked for any of this suffering in the first place, I never asked to be born. The way I see it, life is the problem, not me.

 

[rationaltake]

Yes

 

[Darkover]

View attachment 246294341_1756403201214445_8399439744005095818_n_104785463631554.mp4
no i don't loatha myself here a video i uploaded in 2009 to youtube

 

[whatevs]

View attachment 88440
no i don't loatha myself here a video i uploaded in 2009 to youtube

Been a fucking while no? 12 years. I was healthy and happier back then. So you were deep into being productive with tech, no?

I have never really hated myself, but instead all my negative feelings are directed towards life instead. I never asked for any of this suffering in the first place, I never asked to be born. The way I see it, life is the problem, not me.

I see problems in both. Let's just say that I probably am precisely what life can produce, and THAT might be the crux of the issue lol

 

[Darkover]

Been a fucking while no? 12 years. I was healthy and happier back then. So you were deep into being productive with tech, no?

yes always been big on tech maths and science, also i was a lot happier and healther back then, i've coded over 100,000 lines of code over 8 period stop programming in 2014 due to a weed addiction that lead to a brain injury due to headphones and music and weed
View attachment 257268049_4308375229261025_6848409742046008863_n_104846856958748.mp4

 

[OldDrummer]

The one commonality I see with those who have been sexually abused is that they feel that it's their fault and that they've been 'infected' with the hatred of their abuser(s).

I don't want to get all Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting, but at the end of the day, it's not your fault.

You didn't chose the evil, it chose you. Randomly.

It's important to remember that you weren't just violated physically, but also mentally, and at a very young and developmental age.

And what you say is very true...most mental health professionals aren't.

 

[whatevs]

yes always been big on tech maths and science, also i was a lot happier and healther back then, i've coded over 100,000 lines of code over 8 period stop programming in 2014 due to a weed addiction that lead to a brain injury due to headphones and music and weed
View attachment 88443

Is that C++ or C?

Bro, you need to make more than one class! hahah

 

[OldDrummer]

Is that C++ or C?

Bro, you need to make more than one class! hahah

Classy. What's your method? Ba-dum-tsh.

That's why I like NLP. It was started by a psychologist and a computer programmer in the mid 1970's to "reverse engineer" the human brain.

But as always, the movement eventually schismatised over money and personality.

 

[lili]

I can connect with this. I deeply hate myself. There's nothing I enjoy about myself. I've come to realize maybe that's why it's so difficult for me to be alone, because it would mean the only company I have is myself, and I really dislike myself.

I feel that I hate myself so much, that the deeper people get to know me they grow uncomfortable with this hatred, and the negativity infects them.

Would say past traumas definitely had a hand at this.

And I agree I wish there was better access to therapy. Not only access but I can't help but feel therapists are just there to win money. So impersonal the whole one hour session thing, you admit something traumatic and then "times up see you next week". I can't handle that. I often feel worse after a session. It's really hard to find someone that actually cares.

 

[Superdeterminist]

No. I hate certain aspects of myself, but I don't really associate those things with me. I don't feel as though I am in control of those things which is why it's hard to hate myself. In the end, it's very hard to pinpoint exactly what "I" am. If my kidney were to fail, would that be a failure of mine?

 

[CameronFrye]

Absolutely.

I am the oldest sibling, yet get no respect from my younger siblings. I can't blame them, they were popular in school, had academic and athletic accomplishments, and basically only came home to sleep because they were always around friends. Being the oldest, they should have been able to learn from me and look up to me, but they lived life to a much greater extend than I ever had and I have nothing to offer.

Similar to my siblings, but even more painful, I can't relate to or offer anything to people my own age. From the time I was a little kid, I never was able to fit in and make friends. As I got older it only got worse, as the gap in social experience between my peers and I grew. In high school I'd sit at home while my peers experienced life. They felt a wide array of emotions as they experienced life in its fullest, and they learned and grew to understand the world in the process. For some reason I thought it was my them and my hometown holding me back, not me, and college would be different. Especially because my family and the media pushed the message that those who do well in high school socially peak then, and the nerdy/awkward types like me thrive after.

College was even worse, as now my peers had complete freedom from adult supervision, and used that to the extreme. Excessive partying and sex were the norm. Yeah that seemed nice to participate in, but what I really wanted was the deep, meaningful connections in between the chaos. Sitting on the front porch on a sunny day talking about life, going out to dinner and laughing over lively conversation, and just hanging out and enjoying eachothers presence. Fortunately I met a girl who dealt with similar issues, and we found solace in eachother. But she figured out how to make friends and become a part of the social scene we were both excluded from for so long. And she realized having that was much better than just having me, and she left me to experience life. In addition I haven't been able to succeed academically, as the mental illness and crushing loneliness prevented me from completing a degree.

So now I'm stuck back with my parents, in my soulless dystopian suburban town, working in retail, with no future. My youngest sibling, who I barely see anyways, is moving out in the fall to go to college and I'll be the only sibling left. Everyone my age has jobs, or is in grad school, and is out living life surrounded by their peers. Yes it isn't easy for any of them in todays world, but they have eachother to help them get through it. And that social connection and experiencing life is more valuable than bank account values, job title, or anything materialistic. They probably don't realize it, because it's such a normal part of life. Eperiencing life and connecting with others is truly beautiful, timeless, and one of the few real things left in the world.

And I absolutely loathe how I've never been able to participate in it. I loathe going to my retail job where I'm treated as a number, finally leaving and driving past copy and paste fast food restaurants/retail stores in my home town, to my copy and paste suburban home, to hear my miserable parents fighting, and be stuck in my room with nowhere to go and nobody to talk to. I loathe having wasted my youth, and continuing to waste what little of it I have left, but not being able to stop it. I loathe how I haven't had a positive impact on anyone on this earth. I loathe how I tried and I tried for years to escape, but nothing works. I loathe seeing all the beauty in the world, but only being able to observe from afar, while I'm trapped in this prison of a body and mind.

 

[Starryeyes]

Self loathing is probably my biggest downfall. I believe I don't have anyone who cares about me

 

[_Seeking]

I have the same self-loathing as OP, I never connected it before but I was sexually abused by a family member that I looked up to.

 

[Lost Magic]

I have internal self loathing. I can't bear to be me either.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

There are things I cannot forgive myself for, but it is hard to loathe myself when I have the greatest empathy possible for myself. "Try to walk in their shoes" --- I literally do walk in my shoes... So yeah. I can trace a lot of my development and the links to outcomes and my thinking.

 

[Of The Universe]

Yes.

 

[tieiwi]

Yes I loathe myself and the life that I live. I loathe the family I have and all the problems they bring. I hate how I have to keep living my life and pretending like nothings wrong just so I don't make other people uncomfortable. It's so hard keeping up this facade it's starting to become pointless. I hate myself and my inability to do so many things I'm already getting overwhelmed trying to list them all out. It's like I'm infected with something that will never leave and the only way to stop it is to die.