For me my mind just doesn't shut off. Professionals are looking into diagnosis for ADHD or Autism. You know how people can just unwind and go asleep, not for me. I can stay up for hours and hours just thinking and talking to myself. But when my trauma happened last year me thinking like I used to about random stuff has now turned into thinking about suicide constantly and it's alls I think about. I fascinate on suicide and I could lie in bed and make plans on ways to CTB. I can and do make a full suicide plan within a few hours of starring at a wall because my brain is always at 10x speed. I could be on a nice peaceful walk somewhere with my dog and I'll walk past something and my brain is like 'oh you could easily kill yourself on that' 'imagine if you just jumped off that' 'that's a nife over hanging tree to hang off'. It's like I have a suicidal partner living in my head rent free.
And then if something bad happens and causes me distress sometimes I'll act upon these thoughts impulsively. But because I done it impulsively I fail the attempt because my brain isn't thinking like I usually think so I miss parts of the plan out or something just goes wrong.
The amount of time I've spent driving to CTB spots I've looked up and walk around with my bright torch at 1,2,3,4 am when no one is around is beyond me. Sometimes I just like to climb up things and sit on the edge listening to music. One time I managed to get into a viaduct with an active train line but it was at 2am and I knew no trains were on. I sat on the edge of the viaduct with a 120ft drop and just listened to NF for like 4 hours. It started becoming light and as soon as I stepped foot off the viaduct to climb back down I heard the rails make a noise and within 2 minutes there comes a train flying past me at like 70mph scared the living shit out of me because I was so close to the tracks. Then I thought dang is I didn't start moving 5 minutes later then that train would have hit me because I had no where else to do due to it being a one way train track. But yeah that's my point of view and how I think
For me my mind just doesn't shut off. Professionals are looking into diagnosis for ADHD or Autism. You know how people can just unwind and go asleep, not for me. I can stay up for hours and hours just thinking and talking to myself. But when my trauma happened last year me thinking like how I used to about random stuff has now turned into thinking about suicide constantly and it's alls I think about. I fascinate on suicide and I could lie in bed and make plans on ways to CTB. I can and do make a full suicide plan within a few hours of starring at a wall because my brain is always at 10x speed and I literally imagine the situation so well in my head it may aswell be true. I could be on a nice peaceful walk somewhere with my dog and I'll walk past something and my brain is like 'oh you could easily kill yourself on that' 'imagine if you just jumped off that lol' 'that's a nice over hanging tree to hang off'. It's like I have a suicidal partner living in my head rent free.
And then if something bad happens and causes me distress sometimes I'll act upon these thoughts impulsively but because I done it impulsively I fail the attempt because my brain isn't thinking like I usually think so I miss parts of the plan out or something just goes wrong.
The amount of time I've spent driving to CTB spots I've looked up and walk around with my bright torch at 1,2,3,4 am when no one is around is beyond me. Sometimes I just like to climb up things and sit on the edge listening to NF. One time I managed to get onto a viaduct with an active train line but it was at 2am and I knew no trains were on. I sat on the edge of the viaduct with a 120ft drop and just listened to NF for like 4 hours. It started becoming light and as soon as I stepped foot off the viaduct to climb back down I heard the rails make a noise and within a minute there comes a train flying past me at like 70mph scared the living shit out of me because I was so close to the tracks. Then I thought dang if I didn't start moving 5 minutes earlier then that train would have hit me because I had no where else to go due to it being a one way train track. But yeah that's my point of view and how I think, not sure if anyone else thinks and acts the way I do but it's a strange one for sure