Discussion Do you guys think you will have the courage to ctb?

[2Sensible]

I think I'll never do it.
I don't know why i keep looking for methods even thought i feel like I'll never have the courage to do it.
Maybe if my little sister dies, bcs at the moment she's the only reason i should stay alive.
In time of hard distress i have huge SI but i think it's just ideation. Idk tbh

 

[TwistedNightmares]

I wish I had the courage. I've reached my breaking point quite a few times by now, and there have been a lot of days where I don't want to continue living any longer. I'm just really terrified of feeling any kind of pain.

 

[ctb_warrior]

Hey, yea in high school it was my worse time too, it was the period that my 2 suicide attempts happened, i did therapy and used meds for some time. Thankfully I learned how to master OCD, it's still a thing that bothers me sometimes, and I overcome it everyday, but 99% of the time i don't do the compulsions.

My suicidal thought isn't sbout ocd, it's more about, what if life really sucks. my first attempt was.

Hey, don't you think maybe something in your head keeps you living? I've ead your text and my impression is that it isn't only about not having a peaceful plan, if you are still living for two decades, maybe something keeps you here, besides not acessing peaceful guaranteed methods

I just saw this text. Idk why i didn't get notification. That's a good question why i am still alive even after 2 decades. The answer is whenever i have been desperate, I used my full force to ctb. In my initial two attempts, i was given medical help early as i was put in the icu. In my third full fledged attempt, 40 strips of ativan, which i thought should be enough sleeping pills for my bmi. But, sasu was not there that time, so i didn't know OD on benzos do not work. OD can only work with N. Or one of the protocols given in PPH.
So, as you can see, I have tried "my best" to ctb. But unfortunately that was not enough.
In another strong attempt, i got rope and followed everything given for PSH for one week continuously. It didn't work. What could have I done?
Lately, I purchased stuff to create CO. But it got confiscated on time. So, that's how I'm alive since the last two decades. I have no interest in living. Yeah I'm still using my time while I'm alive to help others

 

[infinitesimal]

yes, it has always been my plan to ctb regardless of suicidal intent. even if i wasnt suicidal, i value my own personal freedom and would want to go out on my own terms whether it be now or when im old and wrinkly and dont wanna risk shit like dementia

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

My problem is with existence itself. I hate every detail of this process. I know what I am; I observe other life forms and realize I am nothing more than an evolutionary accident. In essence, I am an insect that thinks. That alone is enough to make me want to give up on this futile process. I am subject to the same rules as any other life form, which means I wasn't programmed to end this process on my own. Therefore, the answer is difficult, as nothing has happened yet to spur me into action. Our pathetic species finds a reason to keep living—even while hating being here—as long as there is some level of comfort, however small. Given the awareness of the reality of what I am as a species, what is missing to make me act is something I have yet to experience beyond profound sadness. I do not know if or when that will happen. And so, I continue dragging myself through life—devoid of meaning, devoid of purpose.

 

[ctb_warrior]

My problem is with existence itself. I hate every detail of this process. I know what I am; I observe other life forms and realize I am nothing more than an evolutionary accident. In essence, I am an insect that thinks. That alone is enough to make me want to give up on this futile process. I am subject to the same rules as any other life form, which means I wasn't programmed to end this process on my own. Therefore, the answer is difficult, as nothing has happened yet to spur me into action. Our pathetic species finds a reason to keep living—even while hating being here—as long as there is some level of comfort, however small. Given the awareness of the reality of what I am as a species, what is missing to make me act is something I have yet to experience beyond profound sadness. I do not know if or when that will happen. And so, I continue dragging myself through life—devoid of meaning, devoid of purpose.

Hats off to you for having tolerated life to this extent you deserve a pat on the back for being a survivor in the true sense.
Personally, I feel even though I have experienced more pain than a lot of people will ever face, but there are others who have faced so much pain that I have not faced. So, from that perspective, if you've been able to withstand that pain in your life, it's a great thing. I hope and wish for you that while you are alive, life stays worth living and enjoyable for you.
I have noticed this, not even one person on the planet is living a perfect life, everyone is in some sort of stress. So, i guess, that's how life is. In Bollywood, there's a song, jeena isi ka naam hai.. if you like old songs, you may love to listen to this classic even if you don't understand the lyrics.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

Hats off to you for having tolerated life to this extent you deserve a pat on the back for being a survivor in the true sense.
Personally, I feel even though I have experienced more pain than a lot of people will ever face, but there are others who have faced so much pain that I have not faced. So, from that perspective, if you've been able to withstand that pain in your life, it's a great thing. I hope and wish for you that while you are alive, life stays worth living and enjoyable for you.
I have noticed this, not even one person on the planet is living a perfect life, everyone is in some sort of stress. So, i guess, that's how life is. In Bollywood, there's a song, jeena isi ka naam hai.. if you like old songs, you may love to listen to this classic even if you don't understand the lyrics.

I appreciate your words. Unfortunately, I don't feel anything positive about my situation. Quite the opposite. Every day I live is a problem, and the only solution is to take action to bring this process to an end.

 

[ctb_warrior]

I appreciate your words. Unfortunately, I don't feel anything positive about my situation. Quite the opposite. Every day I live is a problem, and the only solution is to take action to bring this process to an end.

True, life is a problem for every creature on this planet. What I genuinely appreciate about you is your ability to withstand the pain, because I personally don't have that much strength and tolerance. That's why I pray that your life gets better as u move towards final destination.