Discussion Do you guys think you will have the courage to ctb?

[findingpeace08]

I think I never will, maybe this is good, maybe life is always good, and it's worth going through all the pain. Maybe life is most pain and im a prisoner.

I have friends family, people i love, material needs fullfiled,

But even if i dind't had that, I think I will never do it anyways.

Well I'm excited to see what I'm doing with me.

 

[DeadManLiving]

When everything's burning and it feels like being electrocuted from the inside out, courage isn't necessary.

Hope it never gets to that point for you.

 

[crashinout]

i am so confused, i feel like i want to, i messed up a lot.

but i have people who care and i have the potential to turn things around. its going to be shitty and its going to be horrendous. i dropped out of uni, got disowned. a lot of hate from people in my program and hooked into drugs. running out of money.

so everyday it just feels like this fight - some days heavier than others, some crying.

 

[findingpeace08]

When everything's burning and it feels like being electrocuted from the inside out, courage isn't necessary.

Hope it never gets to that point for you.

Oh I would say it takes courage. Biologically and sociologically we weren't made for suicide, 1% of deaths are suicide, and you sure aren't the only human that suffers a lot.

And even as you said you are burning and electrocuted, you are still here, you could've already jumped, used a knife etc

 

[SilentVelvet]

I've attempted it once before, and I didn't regret it afterwards. If anything, I was angry with myself for not going through with it properly and for surviving.

In the end, what matters is that whatever you choose to do is your own decision

 

[findingpeace08]

i am so confused, i feel like i want to, i messed up a lot.

but i have people who care and i have the potential to turn things around. its going to be shitty and its going to be horrendous. i dropped out of uni, got disowned. a lot of hate from people in my program and hooked into drugs. running out of money.

so everyday it just feels like this fight - some days heavier than others, some crying.

Yes, i identify a lot with what you said. I think most or even, if life is good, all things in life can be fixed. Not that pain will be destroyed, even the world most privileged human on earth feels like dying sometimes.

Hope we can have a happy healthy life :)

I've attempted it once before, and I didn't regret it afterwards. If anything, I was angry with myself for not going through with it properly and for surviving.

In the end, what matters is that whatever you choose to do is your own decision

Did you stop in the middle of the process? At least at the time you regreted, maybe if after you regreted you regreted.

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

Definitely now. Because I gained the PPH and think I've lived enough, done enough and suffered enough. My mental illness is at best moderately managed but not curable.

 

[delinquentsandwich]

it's hard to say

I feel that I don't have the courage to do so- I am afraid of what comes after and yet I am also curious
my main motivation for ctb is to escape because I have been backed into a corner with no way out

I guess having a strong reason might help, I'm not sure

 

[maggineko]

Nooo..I'm a big scaredy cat when it comes to pain (yet somehow I want like 7 facial piercings), and all the methods seem to include pain one way or another or have a chance for it.

I've noticed too a pattern that when I actively want to ctb, it will come to pass and I'll just settle back into being passive eventually.

Also, huuuuge fomo on the good parts of life I would like to see my friend's band go global someday, go clubbing, and kiss someone after we've both drank different coloured slushies to make a new colour. Hopeless romantic. Maybe when I've got nothing left to do, I'll find courage to ctb ♡

 

[fleurdelune]

yeah... i'm kind of worried i'll always have second thoughts or that my brain will latch onto some false hope in its frantic efforts to keep me alive like it has been for the past 8 years. it's awful; i feel like i'm crazy. like i'm stuck on a hamster wheel

but fwiw, my brother ctb'd by train when we were 17 and as miserable as his life was leading up to it, i never thought he would be "brave enough" (for lack of better words) to actually go through with his plan. so the moral of the story there is that we may be capable of more than we think. make of that what you will :P

and try to take care

 

[Le temps perdu]

I might not have the courage, but even if I don't, i think i will eventually 'have' it, because I must attempt before the SN expires

 

[findingpeace08]

Nooo..I'm a big scaredy cat when it comes to pain (yet somehow I want like 7 facial piercings), and all the methods seem to include pain one way or another or have a chance for it.

I've noticed too a pattern that when I actively want to ctb, it will come to pass and I'll just settle back into being passive eventually.

Also, huuuuge fomo on the good parts of life I would like to see my friend's band go global someday, go clubbing, and kiss someone after we've both drank different coloured slushies to make a new colour. Hopeless romantic. Maybe when I've got nothing left to do, I'll find courage to ctb ♡

Haha identify a lot with that

yeah... i'm kind of worried i'll always have second thoughts or that my brain will latch onto some false hope in its frantic efforts to keep me alive like it has been for the past 8 years. it's awful; i feel like i'm crazy. like i'm stuck on a hamster wheel

but fwiw, my brother ctb'd by train when we were 17 and as miserable as his life was leading up to it, i never thought he would be "brave enough" (for lack of better words) to actually go through with his plan. so the moral of the story there is that we may be capable of more than we think. make of that what you will :P

and try to take care

I always wonder how much destroyed someone must be to suicide by crazy methods like train, hope your brother is somewhere better.

I might not have the courage, but even if I don't, i think i will eventually 'have' it, because I must attempt before the SN expires

I think you shouldn't CTB just because your SN expires, if you want to, do it when you are really ready

 

[FuneralCry]

I'd be long gone if it wasn't made illegal to cease existing peacefully, for me non-existence is just all that could ever be positive in this existence of torturous suffering and all I want is to erase this terrible, futile existence so it's like I've never suffered at all. It truly is such terrible extreme cruelty how we exist in this world where humans have made it into a crime to cease existing in peace with the suffering and torture of existing seen as to force and prolong no matter what, I always suffer as a result of being trapped in this torturous, cruel existence I just always saw as a mistake.

 

[itsgone2]

No. I feel stuck.
I'm in no way interested in life anymore though.
So I'm not sure what will happen. I would love to pull the trigger.

 

[findingpeace08]

I'd be long gone if it wasn't made illegal to cease existing peacefully, for me non-existence is just all that could ever be positive in this existence of torturous suffering and all I want is to erase this terrible, futile existence so it's like I've never suffered at all. It truly is such terrible extreme cruelty how we exist in this world where humans have made it into a crime to cease existing in peace with the suffering and torture of existing seen as to force and prolong no matter what, I always suffer as a result of being trapped in this torturous, cruel existence I just always saw as a mistake.

Hey @FuneralCry , I remember seeing you in this website since i started visiting, in 2024, you always looked like a good person with a lot of pain

My I ask your situation? I'm surprised that you dind't ctb

I tried to send a dm, but seems like i can't

 

[Die.A.Ria]

I definitely think i will

 

[lifesnotfair]

I'm hoping Benzos will help me make it happen.

 

[Forveleth]

With two attempts under my belt I know I have the courage.

 

[findingpeace08]

With two attempts under my belt I know I have the courage.

Omg i have two too

 

[Monotropa]

i am so confused, i feel like i want to, i messed up a lot.

but i have people who care and i have the potential to turn things around. its going to be shitty and its going to be horrendous. i dropped out of uni, got disowned. a lot of hate from people in my program and hooked into drugs. running out of money.

so everyday it just feels like this fight - some days heavier than others, some crying.

I feel the same way now that my OCD is somewhat under control. I dropped out of uni this year after only 2 months because I was so miserable, and I could no longer tell apart what I thought I'd enjoy doing when/if I recover and what I genuinely find boring and unfulfilling. In the end, I don't think could overcome the repulse of existential dread, and the vivid idea of how much I could hurt my mother and sister even though I don't owe them anything or particularly like them. For now the choice itself is comforting enough — knowing I could be gone within an hour with nothing physically stopping me — makes me feel more in control than I actually am, which is not at all.

 

[findingpeace08]

I feel the same way now that my OCD is somewhat under control. I dropped out of uni this year after only 2 months because I was so miserable, and I could no longer tell apart what I thought I'd enjoy doing when/if I recover and what I genuinely find boring and unfulfilling. In the end, I don't think could overcome the repulse of existential dread, and the vivid idea of how much I could hurt my mother and sister even though I don't owe them anything or particularly like them. For now the choice itself is comforting enough — knowing I could be gone within an hour with nothing physically stopping me — makes me feel more in control than I actually am, which is not at all.

I have ocd too. What a crazy disorder isnt it i remember having it since like 8

 

[Monotropa]

I have ocd too. What a crazy disorder isnt it i remember having it since like 8

It's insane. I can remember experiencing distressing sh intrusive thoughts at 11, and everything started to ramp up exponentially in terms of severity throughout high school. The relentless intrusive thoughts got 10x worse and would occasionally bring me to tears. What is your experience like now from what it was at its worst?

 

[diganothergrave]

i want to think im stubborn enough. ive made a compromise that if something happens before my planned date to physically stop it, im not going to fight it, but if i get there and have the opportunity i wont give myself permission to not do it. ive done all i can to prep and will take quetiapine, mirtazapine and propranolol to calm myself down. wish i still had benzos, overdosing on them always made me impulsively try to ctb

 

[whatever000]

idk. I'm agnostic, I just really hope we don't have souls. Im so scared to die and then end up in some other perpetual state of misery. A disembodied depression that can't even hold her dog or pillow for comfort anymore… idk what to do. If I were truly 100% atheist I'd go for it. I'm not religious at all, but I'm like 1% what if we do have some form of soul or continued existence… then what….? Should I be trying to overcome this while I'm alive so I'm not eternally suffering??? Will I actually have peace if I die? This fear is the only thing keeping me alive.

 

[whorror]

Nooo..I'm a big scaredy cat when it comes to pain (yet somehow I want like 7 facial piercings), and all the methods seem to include pain one way or another or have a chance for it.

I've noticed too a pattern that when I actively want to ctb, it will come to pass and I'll just settle back into being passive eventually.

Also, huuuuge fomo on the good parts of life I would like to see my friend's band go global someday, go clubbing, and kiss someone after we've both drank different coloured slushies to make a new colour. Hopeless romantic. Maybe when I've got nothing left to do, I'll find courage to ctb ♡

I relate so much about the fomo on the good parts of life. I'll miss out so many games, movies, books, travel opportunities.. moments with friends that care for me tbh. My FOMO is huge fml

 

[miles-away]

I mean, I feel like I'm eventually reaching the point where I don't think my life is getting better or will get better. It's either you can let yourself rot into middle age and beyond, having done nothing with your life other than be a depressed, autistic piece of shit. Or you can nip it in the bud now.

 

[ctb_warrior]

I'm hoping Benzos will help me make it happen.

I have tried benzos. It'll not work. It'll only knock you out for a few days
If i had a full proof peaceful plan that is safe to implement for the people around me. As in, it's my will to achieve peace, so it should not affect anyone else. I would do it at the earliest. I have waited 2 decades for THE day. And i have tried to many days THE day but failed to do so.
I wish i had a full proof peaceful plan that was fast and that didn't require any sophisticated setup or any suspicious object.
If i had a full proof peaceful plan that is safe to implement for the people around me. As in, it's my will to achieve peace, so it should not affect anyone else. I would do it at the earliest. I have waited 2 decades for THE day. And i have tried to many days THE day but failed to do so.
I wish i had a full proof peaceful plan that was fast and that didn't require any sophisticated setup or any suspicious object.

 

[findingpeace08]

It's insane. I can remember experiencing distressing sh intrusive thoughts at 11, and everything started to ramp up exponentially in terms of severity throughout high school. The relentless intrusive thoughts got 10x worse and would occasionally bring me to tears. What is your experience like now from what it was at its worst?

Hey, yea in high school it was my worse time too, it was the period that my 2 suicide attempts happened, i did therapy and used meds for some time. Thankfully I learned how to master OCD, it's still a thing that bothers me sometimes, and I overcome it everyday, but 99% of the time i don't do the compulsions.

My suicidal thought isn't sbout ocd, it's more about, what if life really sucks. my first attempt was.

I have tried benzos. It'll not work. It'll only knock you out for a few days
If i had a full proof peaceful plan that is safe to implement for the people around me. As in, it's my will to achieve peace, so it should not affect anyone else. I would do it at the earliest. I have waited 2 decades for THE day. And i have tried to many days THE day but failed to do so.
I wish i had a full proof peaceful plan that was fast and that didn't require any sophisticated setup or any suspicious object.
If i had a full proof peaceful plan that is safe to implement for the people around me. As in, it's my will to achieve peace, so it should not affect anyone else. I would do it at the earliest. I have waited 2 decades for THE day. And i have tried to many days THE day but failed to do so.
I wish i had a full proof peaceful plan that was fast and that didn't require any sophisticated setup or any suspicious object.

Hey, don't you think maybe something in your head keeps you living? I've ead your text and my impression is that it isn't only about not having a peaceful plan, if you are still living for two decades, maybe something keeps you here, besides not acessing peaceful guaranteed methods

 

[Passenger4224]

There is a fire in me. Even though I'm not ready to ctb just yet, I am confident I will succeed when my time comes. And if I do fail, the fire in me will just grow larger.

 

[findingpeace08]

There is a fire in me. Even though I'm not ready to ctb just yet, I am confident I will succeed when my time comes. And if I do fail, the fire in me will just grow larger.

We are at the same place lol, i think my brain is waiting to like confirm that life is really not worth it, and each day that passes my hatred for it just grows.