Venting Thinking about people being informed I ctb

[kirillbledny]

I volunteer every week, working with mentally disabled people. Sometimes I babysit for my mom's friend. Since 3-6 months ago, every new person I meet just makes me think of how they'll react when I ctb this autumn. Weirdly enough I don't really think about my family's reaction, maybe because I saw it all before. But I think of the people who I volunteer with, some of them get really attached and ask multiple times when I'll come next etc. They even asked about my sh scars that are all over my forearms, I always just make up some bullshit story that is somewhat believable. I think of the kids and how/if their mum is gonna have to explain to them what suicide or mental illness is. I also told them bs stories about how I got my sh scars before.

None of it is really enough to stop me from going through with it. I actually got over it for the most part, it was way worse 2-3 months ago.

Is there anyone in your life you dwell on being told you ctb?

 

[Iammyself]

There's a few people. I'm actually planning on CTB later this week (depending when this thing I ordered actually arrives). But, all I can do is try and explain it to them as best as I can. I'm going to schedule text messages to a few people for the morning after. Everyone is getting a different "note". I'm also giving even fewer access to my online journal. It's been writings over the past few days about my mental state and all that stuff.