Discussion Do you find yourself parrot- fashion repeating advice/ platitudes that you yourself hate?

[Forever Sleep]

I've been on both sides of this. In the past, I've felt tempted to just repeat the (useless and annoying) advice that was given to me- even though I know I hate it. It becomes especially tempting to parrot it back to someone who used it on you first.

I find this is especially the case with 'tough love' and 'positive mental attitude'. Both of which may work of course- under certain circumstances but, I think you need a certain level of strength and motivation in order for them to actually be effective.

Otherwise, it can come across as dismissive, ridiculous even- if it's obvious we'll never be able to take that advice. Someone told me to become an astronaut once. I think it may even have been my Dad. It was along the lines of: 'The world is your oyster'. It actually perfectly highlights how restricted we are. There's an ice cubes chance in hell I could become an astronaut! It's actually laughable... even if I wanted to be one.

I find others do it too. They complain about the tough love and lack of empathy/ sympathy they get from their parents but then, they parrot the (likely) same stuff back if I confess I'm struggling with something.

I try to bite my tongue now, before I say stuff. Do you find yourself doing this? Or, has receiving unhelpful responses made you more considered when making your own? Of course, it could work in the reverse. Tough love and thinking positively may have helped some so, they may think they're helping passing it on.

 

[Pluto]

 

[Apathy79]

Tough love is an interesting one. I often want to try to break people out of what I call victim spirals, where they just start blaming everything except themselves for their predicament, mostly by being sceptical of the rationalisations and trying to find alternate ones where they have power over changing the situation, but it doesn't work often in practice. My sense is in most cases that's the best advice, although certainly being on the receiving end of it, I tend to not want to hear it, and would prefer they just acknowledged the pain. And that reaction itself can drive a defensive posture within me so I double down on the victim spiral, which I think is common. So by giving advice like this, even if it is the best advice for them, the effect of it is often to increase resistance to it and double down on the negative framing.

I think when they've given me the same advice it works better - easier to take your own advice than someone else's.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Tough love is an interesting one. I often want to try to break people out of what I call victim spirals, where they just start blaming everything except themselves for their predicament, mostly by being sceptical of the rationalisations and trying to find alternate ones where they have power over changing the situation, but it doesn't work often in practice. My sense is in most cases that's the best advice, although certainly being on the receiving end of it, I tend to not want to hear it, and would prefer they just acknowledged the pain. And that reaction itself can drive a defensive posture within me so I double down on the victim spiral, which I think is common. So by giving advice like this, even if it is the best advice for them, the effect of it is often to increase resistance to it and double down on the negative framing.

I think when they've given me the same advice it works better - easier to take your own advice than someone else's.

'Tough love' has been a tough one for me too. My knee jerk reaction is to reject it and get hurt and annoyed that they're victim blaming me. Funnily enough though, when enough time has past, I've returned to their words and even followed their advice in the past.

Now, I try to figure out if what they're saying is coming from a genuine place. That they do in fact care about me. In which case, I'll try to be begrudgingly grateful and try to process it bit by bit. If it's because I think they're annoyed with me though, I'll make a mental note to not trouble them again. Being fallible though, it will tend to make me less sympathetic towards them when they start whining to me I'm afraid. Again, I'll try to bite my tongue but, I'm not immune from the desire to be petty. Partly though, it's maybe to make them realise that they won't follow their own advise so, they shouldn't be dishing it out.

 

[Apathy79]

That's a big one isn't it. If I give you advice that is, even obviously, the best advice to hear, but you know that I don't live by that advice, and in fact could point me easily to situations where I contradict it, how likely are you to take it on board? It's like it doesn't just need to be the best answer, it also needs to come from the right source. And if you're the wrong source for the right advice, it's likely to get rejected.