Do you feel sad about CTB being your only option?

[Katakuri19]

CTB is a inevitability for me, I just don't know if it's going to be next month or in ten years. I have my goals, all that remains to be seen is if I will be able to deal with depression until I reach them, and once I do reach those objectives, I don't know if they will improve my quality of life and state of being. I feel like a broken person, I'm not so sure I can be fixed, but I'm trying to see where this goes.

 

[venin]

How we have reached here might be different , but I feel the same as you . Everyday I think about how my world would have turned out if I didn't have this damn physical ailment which just gets worse . I have been to tons of doctors (spent a lot of time and money) and have no options left, they simply don't have a solution . I am in my 20s and have so much to offer to the world but life has been too cruel to me. I am still holding on for my dear life but one day I will have to let go off the ledge .

I am sad to hear that you are in a similar mind space as me. I won't wish it on my worse enemy . All I can say is you are not alone , I feel the same way .

I'm truly sorry you've also reached this point …

I would wish it on one or two people that had a crucial contribution for me getting here but yes, other than that, to absolutely no one.

You're not alone either

Can I ask you what's the physical disease?

 

[venin]

Funny thing is, they don't seem to know they're the cause of the majority of our trauma. Or refuse to acknowledge it.

Mine either does't know, cause he's really that insane or he just doesn't care.

I think it's both, actually

 

[CheekyPhobia]

Absolutely. I'm sure many of you have the same feeling, but I got through cycles of foundationless hope. I imagine a life I could have had, had better choices been made at better times or circumstances have been slightly different. I would have loved to have had a normal life but it's simply out of reach. You learn not to beat yourself up over it.

 

[venin]

Absolutely. I'm sure many of you have the same feeling, but I got through cycles of foundationless hope. I imagine a life I could have had, had better choices been made at better times or circumstances have been slightly different. I would have loved to have had a normal life but it's simply out of reach. You learn not to beat yourself up over it.

If it's necessary I'll just have to learn that. Ty for the last part

 

[venin]

CTB is a inevitability for me, I just don't know if it's going to be next month or in ten years. I have my goals, all that remains to be seen is if I will be able to deal with depression until I reach them, and once I do reach those objectives, I don't know if they will improve my quality of life and state of being. I feel like a broken person, I'm not so sure I can be fixed, but I'm trying to see where this goes.

I totally relate to the last part. I kinda think I'm beyond saving, but I still haven't given up.

I can certainly understand how this sounds like complete and utter nonsense. It did to me at first, also. But not anymore.

Ty. Do you have more NDE videos you can share? I always wanted to research this topic.

 

[Kundalini Guy]

No. It is just how things are, I was fated to die by CTB

 

[venin]

No. It is just how things are, I was fated to die by CTB

I'm really sorry

 

[ZoloftSüchtig]

I'm asking because I sometimes feel a very intense sorrow, pain, sense of regret regarding what could've been if the things that tore me apart didn't happen. I still have some hope, and I still haven't given up and I hate that. I hate hope, I hate the what ifs, I hate the maybe ifs.

I've fought really hard and for a long time now but I still can't say I've wasted all my options. I still have some options left although I don't them. I don't wanna try anymore. I just want everything to end. I am tired of existence. Of my existence. Of the person that I am because of what happened to me. Of everything.

I like myself. My real, authentic, free of trauma and lack self. I don't want that to die.
I'm scared of that dying. Even though it's like 2% of the individual that I am right now, I still don't want that to end. It would be such a waste of potential. But then again the chances of me really recovering, the way I'd like to, and living the life I yearn for are slim to zero.

Maybe I see things this way cause I'm depressed af right now and the meds aren't doings shit for me. You know?

Idk.

Sorry for digressing.

What's your answer to the question in the title?

Wow venin. I couldn't have wrote what you wrote better. I highly relate to what you wrote. Thank you for having wrote this. I have a hard time writing down my thoughts in a way that makes sense and so reading someone else's words that I highly relate to and that aren't just gibberish is really helpful for me in a way. I too have this hope left and feel it would be so sad to throw away what maybe still could be but at the same time I'm just so so exhausted and I don't know if I still wanna live? Here comes my inability to put my thoughts into writing in a way that is understandable again, so I guess I just end this here but yeah thank you and sorry if this is strange lol.

 

[venin]

Wow venin. I couldn't have wrote what you wrote better. I highly relate to what you wrote. Thank you for having wrote this. I have a hard time writing down my thoughts in a way that makes sense and so reading someone else's words that I highly relate to and that aren't just gibberish is really helpful for me in a way. I too have this hope left and feel it would be so sad to throw away what maybe still could be but at the same time I'm just so so exhausted and I don't know if I still wanna live? Here comes my inability to put my thoughts into writing in a way that is understandable again, so I guess I just end this here but yeah thank you and sorry if this is strange lol.

Not at all. I'm glad this was of help.

Ironically I wasn't pleased at all of what I said and how I said it. I think it's bad writing but I'm sure it's better than I see it. Our minds can be very misleading and just bs sometimes.

I like how you write. I've read a couple of post of yours and you're eloquent, good words, intelligent, capable.

Idk what's that Achile's tendon for you but I'm pretty convinced you have what it takes to live on, to move on and flourish.

 

[LonelyKitten]

i've actually been writing about this exact issue pretty extensively in my goodbye note, so i'll just repeat what i say in that:

"i feel homesick for places i've never been, and experiences i've never had -- it's like i'm mourning a life unlived, or the life i could have had, unhindered and unshaped by my trauma."

i won't mourn myself as i am, nor my life, but i will miss who i could have been. there's nothing left for me to do, so while ctb may be my only option, at least i'll be free of this painful version of myself; that alone gives me some bittersweet relief.

I third this.

It makes me really sad, so sad that my SI keeps sabotaging my plans. There is a strong core inside me that wishes to live.

But not this life. This isn't me. This is not who I am, or want to be.
These experiences don't feel real. The way people view me and interact with me here makes no sense to me. I don't understand society here.
It doesn't feel right. Everything is incongruent.
This name is not mine. These actions are not mine. But I am not allowed to change any of it, and live authentically.
So I learn nothing, my life does not improve, and I can't do anything for others anymore. Just misery and negative feedback in both directions.

That is how I feel in my birth country. It's been over 20 years in total there.
When I lived in my adopted country, there was a short reprieve, over 4 years in total...
There was so much change. So much learning, improvement. Real experiences, and a lived experience I can call my own.
A life took shape, different from past trauma and associations. Allowed to participate in and see the world, as who I am.
I would not still be around, and not have this strong core of optimism and hope inside of me if I hadn't come to that country.

Alas, I'm back in my own personal hell. A little isolated cell, my wings clipped.
No hope save a miracle, but I need to perish the thought. Just SI in disguise.
It's back to my original designs - die before I see the waste that will be the rest of my lifetime play out.
To me, sinking into a deep depression, losing everything I ever was, and could have been if I stayed home... That is far worse than death. CTB, CTB.

 

[lyfsoverrated]

Not sad. I kept busy with things I enjoyed, as much as I could.

The knowing of being cheated is more like it. While I kept busy I rarely compared complained and had a good attitude most always. The realization that some of us never really had a chance to enjoy life as much as others. Is what I have come to.

The whole idea that we are equal is the biggest crock of shit ever. The moment we leave the hospital and one baby is going to a mansion and the one right next is going to a trailer to live in creates a different person with different opportunities in life.

Losing a father to suicide at 3 made me a different person, being molested at 10 made me a different person. We can't really completely relate to someone else and it's not even worth trying.

Going out with a knowing of being cheated as a fact. Is better than going out sad. I don't feel it makes me a victim which I've avoided feeling like my whole life.

 

[ZoloftSüchtig]

Not at all. I'm glad this was of help.

Ironically I wasn't pleased at all of what I said and how I said it. I think it's bad writing but I'm sure it's better than I see it. Our minds can be very misleading and just bs sometimes.

I like how you write. I've read a couple of post of yours and you're eloquent, good words, intelligent, capable.

Idk what's that Achile's tendon for you but I'm pretty convinced you have what it takes to live on, to move on and flourish.

Thank you venin. I really hope I have what it takes to move on but lately I'm thinking maybe hope isn't always helping, because sometimes it's misleading. Sometimes I just really want to quit and stop suffering. I really wish you the best too, whatever you choose to do

 

[tubs35]

Do I feel sad that CTB feels like the only option? Personally, not really. I've come to accept that it's a choice I might make depending on how the near future runs its course. I lost my way of life over the last year and now it's really catching up to me and it doesn't seem like it's going to get better. A little over a year ago I lost my son, my job, my apartment and my girlfriend all in pretty quick succession. Each day seems to get worse as it goes and I'm pretty close to how much stress I can handle. Honestly I would have been home sooner but my family is what's kept me here this far, but even that's starting to seem to come to an end. And don't get me wrong it's nothing my family is doing, but I feel like I just can't keep going on like this anymore, it's all eating away at my insides and I want to see my son again.

 

[bluebus]

Absolutely. But I've accepted it. I wish my life could have gone differently, and I'm sad that I didn't get the future I dreamed of. But I've accepted it all, and I just wish for peace now.

 

[Techef]

Yes. My illnesses are going to kill me anyway, and I've only got enough money to last me another 2 months before I'll be out on the streets. When I first decided to CTB 4-5 months ago, I felt much relief and peace. But as time went on, I got stressed out with CTB prep, and now as my deadline approaches I feel more and more depressed and less motivated to CTB each day. It's damn SI kicking in. I thought I'd accepted it, but now I'm more often in turmoil. But if I don't CTB, dying from chronic and terminal illnesses while homeless is going to be incredibly painful.

 

[bored2death]

i do. i get very sad thinking about it, and that's probably the only reason i haven't done it yet. i think i'll catch my ride sometime in november.

things could have gone very differently, but alas. i had some adverse starting conditions, i adapted poorly to them, and i was too stubborn to accept other ideas for too long.

there definitely is opportunity to keep going/start again, but i've had to start again so many times already i'm bored of the grind. it's very sad, and i mourn what could have been, but i am too tired and lazy to make a change anymore.

i wish more people were open, accepting, and vulnerable in order to connect and help one another. depression is also a killer, it's so stymying.

 

[404]

Can I ask what that is?

to spend time with my friend

 

[Zegers]

Many people who had near-death experiences have commented that the well-being they felt is indescribable.

 

[venin]

Many people who had near-death experiences have commented that the well-being they felt is indescribable.

Yeah, I've also heard that. And idk why but that's also my intuition when it comes to it…

 

[Eudaimonic]

Yes. My life could have gone very differently, and it wouldn't have taken much, either. I wish I wasn't in this situation, but I am, so I must reach a point of acceptance. I've made progress in doing so, but there are still days when I lament the past.

 

[Meteora]

Yes, I do.

 

[smokingfish99]

I'm sad that my ill body leaves me no other choice. I've accepted it now, it is just bad luck. However, sometimes feelings of sadness and envy still show up.

Relate to this 100%

 

[a333]

i feel sad ofc. i would love nothing more to have lived a normal life and be able to enjoy it like so many people do, while so many things that have happened are and were out of my control i just wish i could have done so much differently. i heard someone use the term "bittersweet" in this thread and that would be the perfect word to explain how i feel. this feeling of what could have been being overshadowed by the peaceful idea of this coming to an end.

 

[RedLightMoments]

No I am just sad I keep pussying out.

 

[SpiderLink]

I'm asking because I sometimes feel a very intense sorrow, pain, sense of regret regarding what could've been if the things that tore me apart didn't happen. I still have some hope, and I still haven't given up and I hate that. I hate hope, I hate the what ifs, I hate the maybe ifs.

I've fought really hard and for a long time now but I still can't say I've wasted all my options. I still have some options left although I don't them. I don't wanna try anymore. I just want everything to end. I am tired of existence. Of my existence. Of the person that I am because of what happened to me. Of everything.

I like myself. My real, authentic, free of trauma and lack self. I don't want that to die.
I'm scared of that dying. Even though it's like 2% of the individual that I am right now, I still don't want that to end. It would be such a waste of potential. But then again the chances of me really recovering, the way I'd like to, and living the life I yearn for are slim to zero.

Maybe I see things this way cause I'm depressed af right now and the meds aren't doings shit for me. You know?

Idk.

Sorry for digressing.

What's your answer to the question in the title?

It is sad for me, because I wish there was something else besides taking my life

 

[venin]

It is sad for me, because I wish there was something else besides taking my life

Yup… me too

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I was forced into an existence to which death would always be preferable....I'm pretty bitter.

 

[venin]

Yes. I'm sad that it has come to this. I don't hate life itself like some people on here do. I would rather live if there was a way that it was possible.

I would love to be able to live…

I was forced into an existence to which death would always be preferable....I'm pretty bitter.

I'm just tired of it all

 

[Forever Sleep]

No, I wouldn't say I feel sad. It isn't my only choice for a start- I could make other choices but they look even less appealing. I'm more angry and afraid that I'm going to have to risk doing this to myself if I really want out.