Do you feel like you're no longer yourself?

[September5th]

I'm not me anymore. If you take me from January and put him right next to current me, you would see that I'm not the same guy at all. It's as if that old me is dead. I feel like I'm already dead. It's like I'm just a body now. No "soul", no mind, no essence... I'm just a body running around and waiting for death. All that's left is my ego, which is making me not kill myself. It's crazy.
There's no hope, no joy, no future, no partner, no perspective. I was stripped of everything. Not even girls and alcohol are helping me anymore. I'm just a sack of loneliness. I hope that nobody other than me feel the same way. I miss laughing, going out, fucking, doing anyting pleasurable. I'm tired of faking it. I can't remember how it's like to be happy and alive. As it stands, I'm already dead.

 

[Sad_Sack]

Shortly after my health problems started 30 years ago I developed anhedonia and a general sense that my brain wasn't functioning right. It plateaued for awhile but then the cognitive problems started and have been unbearable for years and years now. not only do I have no working emotions other than frustration and sadness I can't remember or process information anymore. I feel like this is dementia setting in. Its a nightmare. I haven't been myself for sooooo long. I have no hope if regaining myself either. Its been to long and there have been to many medications that are all linked to dementia and Alzheimer's along with my health problems. Its just fucked.

 

[flightless bird]

Same. I'm just a suffering awareness.

 

[akirat9]

no. its all gone. i'm just a walking suicide attempt now

 

[TheManIllNeverBe]

I am a shell of my former self. It's like the lights are on, but nobody's home. Ever since getting taken off of sertraline abruptly a couple of years ago. I'm just so numb. I don't feel anything. I don't laugh. I don't cry. Nothing interests me any more. I have no confidence in myself. I'm just marking time until I can get the courage up to finally end things. Not wanting to traumatize my cats with my death is pretty much all that's keeping me here right now.

 

[Hollowman]

I haven't been myself for decades. I can't remember the old me very well so I can't really miss myself, that's kind of a good thing I guess.

 

[Sad_Sack]

I am a shell of my former self. It's like the lights are on, but nobody's home. Ever since getting taken off of sertraline abruptly a couple of years ago. I'm just so numb. I don't feel anything. I don't laugh. I don't cry. Nothing interests me any more. I have no confidence in myself. I'm just marking time until I can get the courage up to finally end things. Not wanting to traumatize my cats with my death is pretty much all that's keeping me here right now.

In addition to health issues I am also suffering from benzo and ssri damage. Can I ask how long you were on sertraline? I was on benzos from age 17 to 36 and ssris from 18- 20 and then 38 to 46. I am still experiencing WD symptoms. Did you feel this way while still taking sertraline? I think the benzodiazepines are playing a huge role in the extreme worsening if my cognitive function. I belong to another online community that is for psych med users who either suffered adverse reactions or are in protracted withdrawal from them and many seem to recover in time. Sometimes years, sometimes sooner. Don't give up too fast. Give it some time and hopefully you'll recover.

 

[Nightbird]

I can't believe we live like this. My last 11 years as the walking dead is a thousand times worse than the flat-on-my-back, endless tears, completely mute major depression that went on for 4 months back when I was 16 years old. "Functional" depression or dysthymia or whatever they call this bullshit condition to code for insurance payment is the worst. So, I can get out of bed most days … whoop-dee-do! They're called cats - if I don't get up, they don't eat.

Necessary tasks: 1/Feelings: 0

 

[Nekohime]

Before my major relapse I was still depressed, but only mild to moderate. I was strutting around in a nice coat, with my nice bag and wearing my nice makeup (that is probably expired now). Now, I am severely mentally ill - thanks to multiple traumas that I was forced to endure - and I stay at home playing computer games in my pyjamas so I don't lose my mind and I also get heart palpitations when it's time to do the fortnightly visit to the mailbox. Gosh that hurt to write. A small part of me still has hope, and I still hold onto my coats, and bags, and expired makeup. But, it's safe to say I don't recognise me anymore. Also, the decline in my mental health has caused a decline in my physical health, which causes an even bigger decline in my mental health, an endless down-spiral.

 

[September5th]

I can't believe we live like this.

We don't. I've already lived and it's nothing like this. Even in the most shit like moments of my life I didn't feel like this. This is hell. It's the complete opposite of being alive. And my social mask is slowly starting to fall. I can't do anything about it. It's in my face. I hate existing right now.
Things won't ever be good again. All I have is a bunch of memories which constantly torture me, as I know I won't ever feel like that again. Fuck. CTB is the only way out.

 

[nixxeekes]

i think everyone who gets to the point of feeling empty, like a vessel for what we originally were, ends up around here. i mean, wanting to die. i feel the same. it´s like im in autopilot. i do stuff just for the sake of doing them, but inside i feel nothing. days are short but endless. walks and days off are meaningless. nothing makes sense and certainly, nothing really matters, not even myself. i guess im numb, and ive been feeling like a walking dead for far too long.

 

[graybars]

Everything takes so much effort for me. I used to get out of bed as soon as I woke up - now it takes me hours. I've lost so much weight. I've ghosted nearly everyone I care about. I'm disappearing. I don't want to, but I am.

 

[lionetta12]

I'm not me anymore. If you take me from January and put him right next to current me, you would see that I'm not the same guy at all. It's as if that old me is dead. I feel like I'm already dead. It's like I'm just a body now. No "soul", no mind, no essence... I'm just a body running around and waiting for death. All that's left is my ego, which is making me not kill myself. It's crazy.
There's no hope, no joy, no future, no partner, no perspective. I was stripped of everything. Not even girls and alcohol are helping me anymore. I'm just a sack of loneliness. I hope that nobody other than me feel the same way. I miss laughing, going out, fucking, doing anyting pleasurable. I'm tired of faking it. I can't remember how it's like to be happy and alive. As it stands, I'm already dead.

I haven't been myself since I was 11, before I got depressed. I miss how happy I used to be and all the things I'd enjoy.

 

[lachrymost]

I'm a radically different person. In some ways I'm wiser because of my disillusionment, but I'd give anything to get that naivete back, if my personality came with it. Now I'm just an aggrieved malcontent making everyone miserable.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've always been me, I've never lived at all, only existed. Being suicidal is simply who I am, I've never wanted to be here and could never do no matter what.

 

[Hope:-)]

I haven't been myself in years.

 

[farakini]

Yep. I used to be happy and excited for life and now I wake up upset because I woke up. I have no idea what to do with myself because I no longer have passion for the things I once enjoyed. I'm really just a waste of oxygen at this point.

 

[MidnightDream]

I feel like there's 2 versions of me.
1 that is pretty capable of dealing with life, open to recovery, doesn't really want to die but still feels attracted to the concept of suicide.
2 that is holding every single part of my trauma, cannot handle any kind of emotion, solely focused on destroying us both and determined to ctb.
These used to be infused, I used to be someone who really struggled on a daily basis, I couldn't handle my trauma but SI left me way too scared to properly ctb. I just felt trapped and in crisis 24/7. I feel like this separation of identities is something my brain decided to do as a result of my SI to try and protect me. I'm not grateful. I feel like now I'll never recover.

 

[TheManIllNeverBe]

In addition to health issues I am also suffering from benzo and ssri damage. Can I ask how long you were on sertraline? I was on benzos from age 17 to 36 and ssris from 18- 20 and then 38 to 46. I am still experiencing WD symptoms. Did you feel this way while still taking sertraline? I think the benzodiazepines are playing a huge role in the extreme worsening if my cognitive function. I belong to another online community that is for psych med users who either suffered adverse reactions or are in protracted withdrawal from them and many seem to recover in time. Sometimes years, sometimes sooner. Don't give up too fast. Give it some time and hopefully you'll recover.

I was on sertraline for 18 years. Ages 21-39. I really should have protested more when the Dr. suggested taking me off of it so abruptly, but I was in a bad place... my pharmacy had changed the supplier they were getting it from and the new one was causing me to get violently angry shortly after I took my dose each day. I had always struggled with my temper while I was on it, but this was a whole other level and was hurting my relationship with my partner, and I was afraid I was going to hurt myself. If I had it to do over again, I would have spent more time trying to taper. But hindsight is, as they say, 20/20.

I believe I know the online community that you're referring to, and I am a member there as well. I'm still trying to sort out if my cognitive and mood issues are from the abrupt discontinuation of the sertraline or the additional meds that I was put on to help with the withdrawal symptoms. I have recently found a psychiatrist who is willing to help me taper off of all of my meds, one by one, and SLOWLY, but it's a project that's likely to take years because of how many meds I'm still on, and how sensitized my nervous system is. I too question how much of my current cognitive issues are from the pile of meds I'm still on, all of which are known to be sedating and potentially cause brain fog.

 

[Sad_Sack]

I was on sertraline for 18 years. Ages 21-39. I really should have protested more when the Dr. suggested taking me off of it so abruptly, but I was in a bad place... my pharmacy had changed the supplier they were getting it from and the new one was causing me to get violently angry shortly after I took my dose each day. I had always struggled with my temper while I was on it, but this was a whole other level and was hurting my relationship with my partner, and I was afraid I was going to hurt myself. If I had it to do over again, I would have spent more time trying to taper. But hindsight is, as they say, 20/20.

I believe I know the online community that you're referring to, and I am a member there as well. I'm still trying to sort out if my cognitive and mood issues are from the abrupt discontinuation of the sertraline or the additional meds that I was put on to help with the withdrawal symptoms. I have recently found a psychiatrist who is willing to help me taper off of all of my meds, one by one, and SLOWLY, but it's a project that's likely to take years because of how many meds I'm still on, and how sensitized my nervous system is. I too question how much of my current cognitive issues are from the pile of meds I'm still on, all of which are known to be sedating and potentially cause brain fog.

I'm sorry man. Nobody should ever have to endure this. I had a lot of trouble with anger on the meds to. My wife was treated really badly as a kid and has developed a very quick to get combative and sort of insulting attitude and I always let it roll off my shoulders. On the meds my ego felt hyper inflated and I could not let anything go and started giving it back and then some. I was really a dick. Now its as if nothing can provoke an emotional response from me. Just a constant frustration is all I feel.

Can I ask if you ever tried going back on them? I've been going back and forth with this for a long time now. I reason that since I'm about to end it all that maybe I should just try and find some level of relief back on the meds, but then I immediately think but what if it makes things incredibly worse and or takes away any will I have to end my suffering. Back and forth it goes. It makes me crazy. Then I also remember that there are so many physical things going on that could be causing my cognitive issues that going back on meds couldn't do anything but make me worse.

 

[StolenLife]

I haven't been me since I was twelve, and I no longer remember that person. No likes and dislikes, no personality, no hobbies, nothing. Just nothing.

 

[IntoTheLight]

Yes. I already died this year. My body just hasn't gotten the memo yet.

 

[GrizzlyGrapefruit]

For the past 7 years yes. It's plays a large role in why I want to kill myself.

Funnily enough, it doesn't even feel like I'm killing "myself," I'm just killing the thing that I've become. The "original" me died years ago. Yet I still struggle so much with mustering the willpower to pull through with it

 

[IntoTheLight]

For the past 7 years yes. It's plays a large role in why I want to kill myself.

Funnily enough, it doesn't even feel like I'm killing "myself," I'm just killing the thing that I've become. The "original" me died years ago. Yet I still struggle so much with mustering the willpower to pull through with it

I saw your post about anhedonia in the other thread and you're describing it perfectly. For a long time I've held the belief that we're basically dying all the time. My 10 year old self doesn't exist anymore. But when you lose all the aspects of your personality that have previously been somewhat consistent over time, that's when it really sets in that you've died. I'm just a consciousness filled with experience. There's no "me" that would die. Consciousness will go on. It will experience other contents which are less painful than this.

 

[bloodbank]

Being "myself" has always kind of sucked but the pandemic really dented my brain. Humans are not meant to go months without feeling touch. Since then, I've felt like my body is just a shitty Gundam whose pilot is barely phoning it in.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

I'm an accumulation of self-suppression.

 

[TheManIllNeverBe]

I'm sorry man. Nobody should ever have to endure this. I had a lot of trouble with anger on the meds to. My wife was treated really badly as a kid and has developed a very quick to get combative and sort of insulting attitude and I always let it roll off my shoulders. On the meds my ego felt hyper inflated and I could not let anything go and started giving it back and then some. I was really a dick. Now its as if nothing can provoke an emotional response from me. Just a constant frustration is all I feel.

Can I ask if you ever tried going back on them? I've been going back and forth with this for a long time now. I reason that since I'm about to end it all that maybe I should just try and find some level of relief back on the meds, but then I immediately think but what if it makes things incredibly worse and or takes away any will I have to end my suffering. Back and forth it goes. It makes me crazy. Then I also remember that there are so many physical things going on that could be causing my cognitive issues that going back on meds couldn't do anything but make me worse.

Thanks. It helps to know that others going through something similar. Not that I'd wish this on anyone else. My current psychiatrist wanted me to try going back on a very small amount of the sertraline... just a few mg, to see if it would help counteract what I viewed as protracted withdrawal symptoms. I fought with myself for quite a while and finally decided that it was such a small amount it was worth trying. In the end, I didn't have any problems with anger, but it did add to my brain fog to the point where I no longer felt safe driving, and was even more miserable in my day-to-day, so I ended up stopping it again. I know I've read in multiple places that if you're dealing with what can be considered "withdrawal syndrome" from AD and other psych meds the only "by the book" way to treat it is reinstating a small amount of the offending med, so might be worth a shot for you too? But I totally understand the fear. It took me many months of back-and-forth with myself to get to the point of trying it. I also went on such a small amount that, so far, discontinuing this time hasn't been bad. But it still leaves me looking for a solution to my core problem, which is depression, brain fog, and cognitive issues. I'm hoping a lot of it is that I'm still on 4 brain-slowing meds, and that tapering off of those will help address at least the brain fog and difficulty thinking and problem solving. Not sure about the depression though... I'm worried that quitting the sertraline so quickly really messed something up there, and I'm not sure how to fix that.

 

[Hirokami]

I haven't had a feeling of self for over five years. It still all feels like I'm in a lucid dream or something, just desperate to wake up.

 

[lifeORdeath]

Everyday like a.mad man hiding from the big bad wolf. Fearing the future.

Or empty sometimes.

No confidence anymore, I still feel love for those I love. It hurts to think I may leave them in need. It's really what keeps me here for now.

 

[☆AwaitingEntropy☆]

I don't feel like a person anymore. Each day is a blur. Who I used to be was kind, cared about the world, was sad but still held dreams.

I'm apathetic, bitter over how bleak things are, and am too much of a jaded coward to dare to dream.