Do you feel like you have no other option than to ctb?

[S like suicide]

Yes I am tired of this cruel ass world. I have spent the last three years trying to heal for my trauma but unfortunately it keeps getting worse.

Yup nothing works for me so I'm kind of hopeless atm.

Not to be discouraging, but I've spent over 3 decades trying to cope with trauma and abuse and am just as screwed up as when I started

One of the worst decisions I made was not ctb when I was 25.

I feel these totally...11 years and still counting and the situation is the same,i am just getting older and no end to this shit that keeps getting worst,i had a little hope in this last year thinking that i was about to recover for real this time and really live finally but no,i was wrong.
i just want ctb to stop all this,to be at peace finally.

 

[sadslime]

My disorders have no cure, I'll never be able to work, disability pension will never be enough money to afford rent, food and bills (let alone everything i need beyond hrt for my transition to be even a little successful) and i can't live with other people because being around others is painful and feels horrible so I'll always be stuck living with my horrible mother who abused me. There is no other option, i can suffer unbearably and alone for fuck knows how long or i can die and avoid all that, it's horrible this world just feels rigged against certain people before they're even born and then just forces us to suffer through it

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

I'm out of reasons to continue living. No longer feel like I matter and just want to die. Expecting divorce papers sooner rather than later, and life is miserable in general. My inability to let go and change has me feeling like I would be better off dead anyways.

 

[BlazingBob]

It's got to feel so frightening though- to feel like you're being forced into it. I'm sorry.

Thank you for saying that. It's absolutely terrifying and continuing to live the way I have been is completely untenable. Homelessness is inevitable. I'm sick and getting sicker and have nowhere to go and no one to turn to.

 

[StolenLife]

Unfortunately yes, my mental illness is growing by the day. No matter the money, good job or a significant other, nothing can set me free of my trauma and consenquential paranoid thoughts.

 

[Skyyyfarer 26]

Financial hardships are so conveniently overlooked as a reason for wanting to ctb
I don't understand that if you can't provide basic human rights for people to live then why are people so against ctb?
Why does everyone has to unanimously choose to suffer to the point the right to die is not considered a human right.

 

[jessisme]

For me it's either be homeless with serious debilitating physical health issues or ctb. I'm going broke and disability just isn't an option even if I were approved because it wouldn't even be enough to pay for a room for rent.

I'm wondering how many others on here feel like their back is against the wall. I can't be the only one. It's a very scary place to be in. (And being over 50 doesn't help)

Hey there I am in a similar position as you. I am 46 and live with my 71 year old mother. I have been on disability for my mental health issues for the past thirteen years. I have not worked during this period of time. There is no way to move out and achieve some independence because the amount I receive in disability is so low. I'm not well enough to work and even if i were it has been so long since I have worked that no one would hire me. I can't live here forever and too am looking at a long term future of homelessness and food insecurity. Depending on how the claims accessor decides on my continued eligibility my benefits could get cut off at any time. It's a precarious position to be in and there are no solutions that I can figure and I have turned it over in my mind forever. It is just thirty years of endless suffering and struggle if I don't die sooner which is very likely. Its only a matter of time. I wish i could fix things for us and make everything better. Just know you're not alone. Best Wishes and Hugs to you. xo, j

 

[RiverFlow]

1000% relate

 

[BlazingBob]

Hey there I am in a similar position as you. I am 46 and live with my 71 year old mother. I have been on disability for my mental health issues for the past thirteen years. I have not worked during this period of time. There is no way to move out and achieve some independence because the amount I receive in disability is so low. I'm not well enough to work and even if i were it has been so long since I have worked that no one would hire me. I can't live here forever and too am looking at a long term future of homelessness and food insecurity. Depending on how the claims accessor decides on my continued eligibility my benefits could get cut off at any time. It's a precarious position to be in and there are no solutions that I can figure and I have turned it over in my mind forever. It is just thirty years of endless suffering and struggle if I don't die sooner which is very likely. Its only a matter of time. I wish i could fix things for us and make everything better. Just know you're not alone. Best Wishes and Hugs to you. xo, j

Thank you for your kind words. Our situations sound very similar. I've also turned it over in my mind over and over and barring a miracle or winning the lottery I'm up creek. I've been homebound for 5 years after getting let go from my teaching job due to health issues. Like you said finding work even if we were healthy enough would be very difficult with such gaps in our work histories. Our ages don't help either. I live in a house and take care of the place in lieu of paying rent. It's not going to last forever. I endure daily abuse and humiliation from the owner. Like telling me I'm stupid and can't do anything right. Unfortunately I have nowhere else to go. The owner knows this and takes full advantage. I have family but they just don't care. My dad has a lot of money but would rather see me die than to help. I have a neurological sleep disease that's absolute torture. It's impossible to get restorative sleep. I sleep in increments of 30 minutes to an hour. I take three controlled substances just to cope. The side effects are almost as bad as the disease itself but without them I'd be worm food. My doctor said we've reached the end of the line and there's nothing else he or anyone else can do.
I'm buried in student loan debt I'll never be able to repay. My car is 22 years old and needs repairs and tires. I'm only holding on because I take care of 3 dogs and without me they'd be totally neglected like they were before I made the mistake of moving in to this prison. I have a little bit of money but it's dwindling.
In addition to my physical problems I've also battled severe, recurrent treatment resistant depression and anxiety. I've had hundreds of hours of therapy, tried most drugs, ketamine infusions, exercise, diet, TMS therapy. I'm worse now than ever. Chronic, extreme sleep deprivation due to my disease is not helping.
Not everyone can be helped and every story doesn't have a happy ending. I think it's criminal that someone like me doesn't have access to a peaceful death.
Sorry for my rambling. The drugs I have to take at night make me very loopy. I really wish things were different.

 

[aticeret]

If I don't off myself in the nearest future, that means I would have to go through hellish four years of college I absolutely despise, find a job I would probably loathe too, try to immigrate and then realize the country I've been aiming for is in shambles because of climate change, hypothetical upcoming civil war or both. Not to mention that my country is at war too right now and those disgusting pieces of garbage on top are tightening the screws to make life miserable for everyone. Oh, and I cannot form any stable friendships due to my own mental health issues. My only parent abuses me almost daily.

This "life" is just not worth living and I'm tired of pretending it is. I have no choice and I cannot fight anymore or cope.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I don't see any other option for me. either. I'm in my 50s, completely alone, have witnessed first-hand the misery that aging brings, and have absolutely no desire to see how this "movie" called My Life ends in some natural way. I don't want to end up with some insidious disease, or a heart attack, or stroke and have to end up living in a nursing home being spoon fed and having my ass wiped. I have to go before that happens. I just hope I can get the things I need to do finished before anything happens. Life has really made the decision for me (to CTB).

most humans including prolifers don't realize that's how they'll end up. and since you are in your 50's you understand the decades fly by like a blink of an eye , another thing they hide . so that old age hell will be there for most people like that in a few blinks . life is the biggest scam. most people are younger here so they don't see that one but there's more much more .

 

[Glandular]

Once my disease will reach a point of no return, yes. I will not rot away in extreme pain.

 

[subhuman metalhead]

Pretty much, yeah. Because I don't have any hope of succeeding in life.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

so that old age hell will be there for most people like that in a few blinks .

You're right, age ends up getting most people with something. Although, I will say that I knew an older guy, a good friend, actually, many, many years ago who made it to 97 with hardly any issues. As a matter of fact, when he was 94, I watched him physically jump over a 4 ft high chain-link fence by placing his hands on the top rail and hoisting his legs COMPLETELY over the rail and landing on the ground on the other side. He did have glaucoma though, but he managed it with medication. I think he had high blood pressure, too, but managed it with medication, also. I do understand that this is not the norm for most people.

 

[jessisme]

Thank you for your kind words. Our situations sound very similar. I've also turned it over in my mind over and over and barring a miracle or winning the lottery I'm up creek. I've been homebound for 5 years after getting let go from my teaching job due to health issues. Like you said finding work even if we were healthy enough would be very difficult with such gaps in our work histories. Our ages don't help either. I live in a house and take care of the place in lieu of paying rent. It's not going to last forever. I endure daily abuse and humiliation from the owner. Like telling me I'm stupid and can't do anything right. Unfortunately I have nowhere else to go. The owner knows this and takes full advantage. I have family but they just don't care. My dad has a lot of money but would rather see me die than to help. I have a neurological sleep disease that's absolute torture. It's impossible to get restorative sleep. I sleep in increments of 30 minutes to an hour. I take three controlled substances just to cope. The side effects are almost as bad as the disease itself but without them I'd be worm food. My doctor said we've reached the end of the line and there's nothing else he or anyone else can do.
I'm buried in student loan debt I'll never be able to repay. My car is 22 years old and needs repairs and tires. I'm only holding on because I take care of 3 dogs and without me they'd be totally neglected like they were before I made the mistake of moving in to this prison. I have a little bit of money but it's dwindling.
In addition to my physical problems I've also battled severe, recurrent treatment resistant depression and anxiety. I've had hundreds of hours of therapy, tried most drugs, ketamine infusions, exercise, diet, TMS therapy. I'm worse now than ever. Chronic, extreme sleep deprivation due to my disease is not helping.
Not everyone can be helped and every story doesn't have a happy ending. I think it's criminal that someone like me doesn't have access to a peaceful death.
Sorry for my rambling. The drugs I have to take at night make me very loopy. I really wish things were different.

Wow that is an awful lot to be dealing with, I'm so sorry. Your health condition seems very debilitating and your living environment seems restrictive and toxic. It's scary to live in such a precarious situation where any one thing going wrong can mean that the world around you gives out completely, leveling you in the process. I'm glad you have the dogs to keep you going. My toy pomeranian is one of my reasons for living too, as is my mother and my brother. Beyond that there is nothing. I can't see a future for myself without endless suffering. I have SN but I don't have the antiemetic or sedative and without it I know I won't be successful. Dealing with intense headaches, excruciating abdominal pain, tachycardia, shortness of breath and vomiting and expelling diarrhea does not sound to me to be a positive experience. Especially if it goes on for hours and I don't die. I need an exit from this. I dont know what else to do. xo, j

 

[jessisme]

Thank you for your kind words. Our situations sound very similar. I've also turned it over in my mind over and over and barring a miracle or winning the lottery I'm up creek. I've been homebound for 5 years after getting let go from my teaching job due to health issues. Like you said finding work even if we were healthy enough would be very difficult with such gaps in our work histories. Our ages don't help either. I live in a house and take care of the place in lieu of paying rent. It's not going to last forever. I endure daily abuse and humiliation from the owner. Like telling me I'm stupid and can't do anything right. Unfortunately I have nowhere else to go. The owner knows this and takes full advantage. I have family but they just don't care. My dad has a lot of money but would rather see me die than to help. I have a neurological sleep disease that's absolute torture. It's impossible to get restorative sleep. I sleep in increments of 30 minutes to an hour. I take three controlled substances just to cope. The side effects are almost as bad as the disease itself but without them I'd be worm food. My doctor said we've reached the end of the line and there's nothing else he or anyone else can do.
I'm buried in student loan debt I'll never be able to repay. My car is 22 years old and needs repairs and tires. I'm only holding on because I take care of 3 dogs and without me they'd be totally neglected like they were before I made the mistake of moving in to this prison. I have a little bit of money but it's dwindling.
In addition to my physical problems I've also battled severe, recurrent treatment resistant depression and anxiety. I've had hundreds of hours of therapy, tried most drugs, ketamine infusions, exercise, diet, TMS therapy. I'm worse now than ever. Chronic, extreme sleep deprivation due to my disease is not helping.
Not everyone can be helped and every story doesn't have a happy ending. I think it's criminal that someone like me doesn't have access to a peaceful death.
Sorry for my rambling. The drugs I have to take at night make me very loopy. I really wish things were different.

BTW I didn't find your message to be rambling. You were sharing your situation and your story with me and I appreciate that. I wish that things were different for both of us and that we didn't have to live in fear facing the inevitability of a future that is so punishing. I am a really good person and I deserve better than this in life. You were a teacher which tells me that you are a good person too. We don't deserve any of this. Just because we are ill doesn't mean that we should be left to die or starvation or exposure in the streets alone with no one. It's just too cruel. xo, j

 

[sound_wave]

My ears are completely devastated due to loud music and my own idiocy. Unable to coexist in a world that is filled with sound. When tinnitus aggravates it feels like im being attacked by sounds of horrible electring screeching and metallic scratching . During those times the overwhelming anxiety feels like my brain is being grated by cheese grater. I wanted to live, but my own body is forcing me to ctb and is my worst enemy.

 

[Red Moon]

Just fyi, none of the content goes away and the majority of it can be played solo. For some duties, you have to be in a party, but the game has a matching system. There's usually no talking beyond 'hi' at the beginning or if someone asks for help. People are generally kind and happy to help new players. There are venues for socializing that are separate from playing the story, so it's no pressure to interact.

Sorry for the late reply to this but thanks for telling me that. I'm going to start playing sometime.

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

Not anymore not really. It's just it's going to be extremely, extremely hard for me to get to where I want to be. For example I would've been able to eat some good Chinese food by now if the one guy I used to get Temu methods from didn't think I was an alternate account and kick me out of the discord server.

...Why did he do this? I have literally no idea.

 

[MiraiShisen]

my options are die due to chronic illness, slowly and painfully until my heart stop or liver/kidney failure... or CTB before this happen and tbh I dont have much time even if I wont CTB its like I am standin at the edge of cliff and some invisible wall is slowly pushing me and my options are jump before it or be pushed by it I dont wanna die and I would not CTB myself if I had other options. I have been fighting my whole life I am warrior in mindset I was able to withstand so many bullshit that many would not but even I am scared of slowly dying in pain due to illness when it was esentially my whole adult life. That bitch wont kill me I decide about my destiny and I will face death by my decision. Like Proximo said in gladiator - ultimately we are all dead men, and its on us how we meet the end.

 

[pieck's-bongwater]

Yes. Every time something goes wrong it's my first thought. im almost a quarter of the way through my life and i still can't really get a grip. I can't hold a job for more than a few months lol.

(AND my dumbass lied on my resume, and the job i just interviewed for (that paid like 18/hr) obviously found out because they didn't even call me back LMAO. i lied because i need more experience, which im trying to get. i fucking hate myself.)

 

[FindingHome]

Yes, for me I have reached the end to the point of no return.

 

[lyles]

I don't feel like there is another option, even if there realistically is. Emotionally, mentally, there isn't. I don't know how to put it to words in a way any of the people I care about would understand it, but it's true for me. And at some point I think that's enough.

 

[deadtrace]

At this point yeah. I've pushed through shit to try everything I can and came out just entirely worse.

 

[ablationaaa457]

I can emphatize with feeling like I must eventually ctb; I understand that there's pretty much nothing to look forward to in the future anyways for me, and it'd be a net positive for me to leave this earth. In a way, I really regret not committing ctb in high school, since I could have benefited my fellow students by granting them more lenient marks for their final exams and assessments if I were to ctb then, while in practice my death wouldn't have resulted in major changes for anyone else as I was very distant from everyone (not their fault, it's just my personality). Now, if I commit ctb it's not as impactful, but still a net positive as I wouldn't be taking up valuable resources that could go to other people.

I'm just really tired each day; it's frustrating to understand that I have, in a way, a duty to ctb, but actually going about it feels annoyingly difficult, as I want my first attempt to be the only attempt, and painless methods like gas are a hassle to obtain.

 

[sammiechzxv]

Yeah I guess