Do you ever struggle with thoughts that if you had committed CTB earlier, you would have been a better person?

[Set Real Goul]

Title. I have a somewhat intrusive thought that if I had done CTB about 7 years ago, I would be remembered as a much better person than I am now. I don't particularly give in to these thoughts, but I'm curious how many other people are also troubled by this.

 

[Braindead Girl]

I have these thoughts all the time, i wish i actually did my first CTB attempt properly. I think people got sick of me when they found out i tried to CTB and i lost alot of friends when they found out. If i suceeded the first time it wouldn't of been like this.

 

[FF777]

some times i wonder that about people like elvis or kurt cobain or michael jackson or other people that died young and now we always remember them at their peak.... rather than them getting old and fat and needing walkers and they are all washed out at 60 years old but still trying to tour around like they are still young but they just aren't, lol

 

[AgathaChristieLover]

As time goes on, my mom hates me more and more. If I only hadn't been a coward and killed myself a year ago I wouldn't be such a failure

 

[ruhyytey5o86]

No, some family members would consider me somewhat successful in the decade since I tried to ctb. But they only see what they want to see and ignore everything else that marginally inconvenience them

 

[Lost in a Nightmare]

Sometimes I do have these thoughts, yes. In the past, I made multiple goodbye threads where I came very close to ending my life but couldn't quite go through with it. Since those times, I've noticed that I have only become more and more of an angry and bitter person than I was then. If the first goodbye thread I made had been ended with a successful attempt and I banned myself, well I wouldn't have warnings now for having been an asshole.

 

[00ps]

a little of cup A and a little from cup B
in some cases I have gotten better and in others I've gotten worse
i think I've changed since my first attempt but I've become a much bigger person. I was also really young so it could be the thing of a child doesn't really do wrong to the same extent an adult does.

 

[LoveIsLonely]

I hate the fact that I have lived this long.

 

[sadslime]

If I had gone earlier, it wouldn't have caused as much harm to my girlfriend as it would if I ctb now. I've also put her through a lot dealing with me being so miserable all the time and that wouldn't have happened either

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes. As I've grown older, I've become less patient, more resentful, less willing to mask how I feel. I think I was a nicer person in my 20's and 30's.

It's like that quote in Batman- paraphrasing here: 'You either die the hero or live long enough to become the villain.'

 

[kettlespine]

I probably wouldn't be remembered fondly, definitely not as a good person. That would just be a lie. Idk why anyone would think I am a good person, the thought of it doesn't sit well with me.

 

[groovygoober]

Had this thought this morning that if I did ctb 5 years ago I would have been remembered as a much better person who just gave in to the pressure , now I will be remembered as someone who just did nothing and ended their life , even though I did experience new things and learned new stuff I was very rarely in the mental state to actually appreciate those experiences or apply the things that I learned and now I don't even remember them . Also wasted a lot of my loved one's time and money which could have been used for better things and they would have moved on by now .

It would have been a shitty unplanned method though so that's something which is better now .

 

[Lost Impact]

No, I was always shit. There isn't a single moment in my life where I would have been remembered as "good" or "loved". I would have been quickly forgotten and I will still be quickly forgotten. There has never been anyone to mourn something like me.

 

[sifp]

Maybe a bit. But I've always wondered why people care about this kind of thing. You will be gone and won't experience how you are remembered.