Do you ever feel guilty about wanting to CTB, or what pain you’ll leave behind?

[Cockney_Rebel]

Myself … no.

Only person I know I'd deeply affect is my nan, who raised me.

But I've rationalised it, thus:

She'll grieve for a while, but then (hopefully) she'll be able to get on with her life and no longer have to worry about "that" knock on the door by the police, and/or ambulances again. I'd like for her to live the rest of her days in peace, as she constantly worries about me as it is.

How about you?

 

[noname223]

Not so much. My friends might can cope with it after some years. My parents abused me over a decade...but now they are like we are sorry. I've warned everyone. They know my red lines. They know the reasons. I spoke to all of them. Some have forgotten my words but so be it...

No. The main person who is affected (me) Is my main concern

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not feel guilty really. I do not know many people but a few close family members would be sad. However I did not ask to exist so I have no obligations to stay alive. I would never suffer for the sake of others and I would always put myself first. It would be selfish of them to expect me to stay alive. It is my life after all. I know that to end our pain, it passes it on to others but life is just painful in general.

 

[eve2004]

No. No guilt. After 18 months of the pandemic and no one giving a sht about me, I have not seen a single friend in 18 months, and I speak to my psychiatrist once a week, otherwise, I have no other reason to use my voice.

My psychiatrist was the only one keeping me from CTB but now that he doesn't care, neither do I.

No guilt. As soon as I perfect the recipe, it's going down. Screw everyone else (not) "in my life".

 

[Bedrock48]

Oh yeah, all the time. One of the biggest reasons I'm still kicking tbh. I guess that since I've experienced a lot of losses in my life, including one to suicide, I've kinda gotten familiar with that pain. I don't want anyone else to experience that but I also don't want to continue suffering. Catch 22.

 

[Amumu]

I only care about my last grandmother.

 

[hʚll]

i am sorry to cause pain to family. but i never asked to exist, so no. i don't feel guilty

 

[WFJ74]

Yes I do. But at the same time, I weigh it against the pain I'm causing now and the pain I will continue to cause if I stay. I don't know which is worse, honestly.

 

[GirlN]

Yes, I feel really guilty. I am trying to get better by going to a psychologist and taking depression medications, and a lot of the reason behind that is that I'm scared of hurting those I leave behind. I guess i sort of live to not hurt others? I don't know, but I know I'll hurt someone if I do decide to do it.

 

[Largeletters]

I don't know if guilt would be the right word, but sadness. There are a few people I worry about, how they will be after I CTB, like my dad, and I'm sad to do this to them. However, I can't keep living like this. I can't live the rest of my life like this, to put it blatantly.

 

[Celerity]

Yes, of course. I mostly worry for my mother. I think she may spiral deep into alcoholism.

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

Myself … no.

Only person I know I'd deeply affect is my nan, who raised me.

But I've rationalised it, thus:

She'll grieve for a while, but then (hopefully) she'll be able to get on with her life and no longer have to worry about "that" knock on the door by the police, and/or ambulances again. I'd like for her to live the rest of her days in peace, as she constantly worries about me as it is.

How about you?

Wow, that is very good reasoning…. The only reason I'm alive is because I don't want my mom in pain but she always worry about that "knock" too

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Used to feel guilt but now no more. I don't want to have to deal with osteoarthritis and BPD etc alone. I've no more hope, only despair. One more month.

 

[arie]

I feel guilty for not feeling guilty. Used to think my sisters and my mother were the reason I'm still here but I kinda, stopped caring? I just want shit to end ... Just gotta wait for a few more weeks

 

[Rogue Proxy]

No, I don't feel any guilt. First, I don't have any family. Second, it's unreasonable for me to cling onto life just for the scant friendships when I'm greatly suffering in various ways, the world is sinking deeper into shit, I never chose to exist, suffer, or serve the human species; and when I'm ready to depart. While it's natural and valid for anyone to grieve over someone they deeply care about, they will always grieve over that person's death, no matter what the cause. It's impossible to stay alive throughout every loved one's lifespan. Therefore, I shouldn't be responsible for their grief, however and whenever I pass away. Besides, there are many deaths far more horrific (than a peaceful, painless suicide) that would case even more tremendous pain for the deceased's loved ones. On a related note, all relationships end one way or another, including through death.

 

[exhausteduntreatable]

I only really feel guilty about the impact on my dad. Really guilty. He has tried to help me and specifically said to me not to think his life would be better without me here. I don't think that's true though. I cause him a lot of worry and stress and think he could move on if I was gone.

Nobody else has cared. Not my siblings or my one friend. None of them have been able to spare a moment when I was in crisis when in the case of my friend and sister I dropped everything for them multiple times. Is that petty? My brother is indifferent and will probably move on quickly. All three have big, happy, very expansive lives. I'm just a blip. My mother is abusive and has terrorized me since birth. The one year anniversary of me cutting her out of my life is coming up this month. I don't care what it does to her in the slightest.

 

[Lance Stone]

I feel stupid saying this but the one thing preventing me from CTB, is my dogs. I couldn't just leave one day and not come back.

 

[exhausteduntreatable]

Wow, that is very good reasoning…. The only reason I'm alive is because I don't want my mom in pain but she always worry about that "knock" too

My dad worries about this too. I have often pondered about which is worse- having him always go to bed and work wondering if tonight is the night or day or me just getting it over with and him having to deal with it once.

 

[Darkover]

feel guilty for what it's my parents who are responsible for bring me alive in this hell hole,
they should of done the right thing and gone celibate and repressed their sexual urges instead of pleasuring themselves,
all the pain they feel when i die won't even come close to all the pain i've had to endure in my lifetime.

 

[BrokenHopes]

Yes I do feel guilty. My mom is an old woman now and I don't want her to be totally destroyed the last few years of her life. And then there is a another relative who I am close with who will probably never get over it. This is what is keeping me from going through with it. Either I will wait until my mom is dead or things will get so bad that I will have no choice. We will see.

 

[Jumping_realms]

Call it callous, but I don't really care at all what others will feel. I've suffered enough. They can deal with it, like I've dealt with all the trauma through my life. I didn't have it good due to family, and friends will get over it. I've had so many overdoses and suicides from friends to handle, it's just kind of what comes with my lifestyle, I suppose.

 

[kicklife]

Meh, i barely think about it so i don't feel guilty, I'm doing everyone a favor. I'll create pain and troubles as long as I'm alive, they better appreciate it.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Not guilt, I just don't want to destroy my family. None of them are even close to being as detached as I am, so my suicide would definitely hit hard. Would be better if my entire family painlessly died in an accident first.

According to the Joiner model you need to lack belonging and feel that you're a burden to kys. I don't feel any of those two, I hope that won't matter.

 

[BottomlessPit]

I didn't sign up for this, so who can blame me for leaving?
They'll be sad for a little while, no doubt. But death is a part of life whether they like it or not; it's not a matter of if, but when.
Also, when I was little I was constantly told that "life is no picnic", which is a gross understatement. It's not my problem if they can't see how someone would choose the exit given the facts of our existence.

 

[Ash]

Not really. I'm not close to any children and the adults in my life should be able to come to an understanding and acceptance. But my dogs. Oh my heart breaks at the thought of them looking for me. The younger one well easily adapt to a new home but it's the old girl who keeps me back. A friend looked after them for the day in the summer and the old girl stuck to her like a shadow, even when she got up from the kitchen table to put the kettle on.

 

[mousebot]

I rarely think about it because i know i wont be conscious then. They wont be real to me anymore, selfish as it sounds. There is one person who im still alive for tho. Other than that the only side effect of dying i think of is how cringe it would be for everyone i know to suddenly be at my funeral, together, like all my friends and all my family meeting each other

 

[ClownMe]

If I were to commit suicide right now then I would feel guilty for leaving my dog all alone, he needs me, hence why im not ctbing before he dies.

After that though, there is nothing to feel guilty about, my abusive parents brought me into this world and haven't shown me any love or affection my entire life, I didn't choose to be here, I was forced to live this shitty life.

 

[PeacefulTonic]

I have a loving family and friends. Everything was great up until a few months ago. I made the worst decision of my life and I'm paying with it with my own life now. I will feel extremely guilty, knowing that it will hurt them so much. I unfortunately do not have any other option at this point

 

[Acceptance]

I've written so many thank you and goodbyes in my head over many years that I've accepted that friends and family will grieve but I hope my notes to most of them will help accept the choice I made.

I only feel slightly guilty to my s/o which makes me always debate on ending things before I do CTB but im not sure if that will even lessen the guilt for me or pain for them.

 

[Starryeyes]

Everyday. Hence im still here