do you always want to die?

[ivetried089]

For me my will/desire to live can vary drastically from one day to the next without much reason -- one day I'll feel horrified that I ever tried to kill myself and the next I could be planning out how to make it work better the next time I try. It's actually really exhausting. I was wondering if others also experience this kind of thing, or if the desire to die is more consistent, etc?

 

[popcorn1234]

For me my will/desire to live can vary drastically from one day to the next without much reason -- one day I'll feel horrified that I ever tried to kill myself and the next I could be planning out how to make it work better the next time I try. It's actually really exhausting. I was wondering if others also experience this kind of thing, or if the desire to die is more consistent, etc?

I usually have control of these thoughts when I am busy. But, last week, I was in class and towards the end of class, something in me just came out and I started having thoughts of dying. One person in my class wanted to hang out and I said yes, out of politeness. But, I didn't feel good. I eventually texted my parents in the pizzeria where we were hanging out that I didn't feel great and I left. I am scared that they will realize I have mental health conditions and try to force me to get help. That's why I am going to make up an excuse next time they ask about me. I will just say I had a low day.

 

[ivetried089]

I usually have control of these thoughts when I am busy. But, last week, I was in class and towards the end of class, something in me just came out and I started having thoughts of dying. One person in my class wanted to hang out and I said yes, out of politeness. But, I didn't feel good. I eventually texted my parents in the pizzeria where we were hanging out that I didn't feel great and I left. I am scared that they will realize I have mental health conditions and try to force me to get help. That's why I am going to make up an excuse next time they ask about me. I will just say I had a low day.

if you don't mind me asking why are you opposed to others encouraging you to seek help?

 

[popcorn1234]

if you don't mind me asking why are you opposed to others encouraging you to seek help?

I've been hospitalized 6 times, I've tried therapy, I've tried medication, none of it helped and sometimes, it even made me worse. I no longer trust the mental health system and I want to stay as far away from it as possible.

 

[fedup1982]

I always would choose to stop existing if I had a magic button that would let me disappear without hurting anyone including me not feeling pain..

But in practice, after many failed attempts I'm beginning to give up hope of making an exit from this life. The practicality of dying is too hard to solve. But thankfully, I seem to be feeling a lot better so I guess I'll try and be a normal human being and brave the fking shit left to come, since I can sometimes enjoy myself I guess I might be able to tolerate any shit that might happen, I just hope I won't get kidney stones or shit like that

 

[carterprobs]

There are times when I think being alive isn't so bad. Of course there are beautiful and happy moments—maybe this or that could make everything worth it. Recently I was really, really happy for a few months. But it never really lasts, for me. I always end up with these thoughts again.

I really relate to what you said about the swinging back and forth being exhausting. I'm so tired of and annoyed by my brain. It's exhausting to deal with myself.

 

[ivetried089]

I've been hospitalized 6 times, I've tried therapy, I've tried medication, none of it helped and sometimes, it even made me worse. I no longer trust the mental health system and I want to stay as far away from it as possible.

real tbh, i've never been hospitalized but i have had a similar experience with trying things that are supposed to help and not getting any better... i've started thinking maybe doing it myself w/o the "system" or whatever would be more effective hopefully (i.e. delusionally thinking maybe a new hobby will fix me this time... :| as if)

I always would choose to stop existing if I had a magic button that would let me disappear without hurting anyone including me not feeling pain..

But in practice, after many failed attempts I'm beginning to give up hope of making an exit from this life. The practicality of dying is too hard to solve. But thankfully, I seem to be feeling a lot better so I guess I'll try and be a normal human being and brave the fking shit left to come, since I can sometimes enjoy myself I guess I might be able to tolerate any shit that might happen, I just hope I won't get kidney stones or shit like that

hope it works out for you! best of luck in not getting kidney stones o7