Do you also constantly think about suicide the entire day?

[lacrimosa]

Yes, I keep saying I am going to CTB basically 3/4ths of my waking life. It's like a mantra that keeps me calm. Knowing it will be over soon. But, I am haunted by life and can't go back in time and do things differently.

So, I am stuck, feeling sorry for myself as I am too afraid of the collateral damage of CTB. I am stuck in this shitty limbo. I care too much when I am manic and wish I could turn off my feelings. And when I am feeling depressed, I am so low that I could sleep for days and days.

 

[Nephy]

Most of the day.. I only can escape while sleeping .. I only can sleep with some pills

 

[kitty3]

Yes, I'm always planning it in my head and it drives me crazy knowing I can't do it yet.

 

[Dark Moon]

Not all the time but daily frequently. I want to exit but uncertain because of the lack of options and ramifications of a failed attempt.

 

[Roseblanche]

From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep that's the one constant thing I keep on thinking about
I keep on playing scenarios in my head of my last day here, what I'll say to my friends, what I'll say to my Mom.. I really need to order some SN and quick.
My birthday is in 3 days and this is my last year here, so I wanna make the most of it at least how I can..
When my last day will come I'll probably rent some hotel room, take hella drugs and chill out, waiting patiently for the SN to kick in and fall to an endless sleep

I think about it constantly and it makes me feel guilty when I'm with my loved ones because I think about it despite their presence
I am looking for the best accessible method to free myself definitively and no longer think about anything

 

[divinemistress87]

I always think about it hard to concentrate on anything else

 

[Sarros]

It's not always on the forefront of my mind but it always lurks beneath the surface.

 

[stupidhuman]

Yes, I keep saying I am going to CTB basically 3/4ths of my waking life. It's like a mantra that keeps me calm. Knowing it will be over soon. But, I am haunted by life and can't go back in time and do things differently.

So, I am stuck, feeling sorry for myself as I am too afraid of the collateral damage of CTB. I am stuck in this shitty limbo. I care too much when I am manic and wish I could turn off my feelings. And when I am feeling depressed, I am so low that I could sleep for days and days.

Calling it something mantra like is very spot on for me. Thanks for opening my eyes.
It's more than just copying every day it feels like I ingrain/calibrate my brain more into CTB up to the point it's a perfect forever condition. Just because I've mantra-ed it enough of times (daily, for years).
I hope the day comes where I finally move my useless ass into the right direction and do it. I'm overstaying way too much. What's holding me back doing it today ?
Do I really want it ? Is it just pure stupid easy mental cope because there's no other way for my brain to naturally cope to the challenges of life and in reality I'm too afraid to do it ?
If that's the case then my brain is utterly GPT1 Demo version or something.
Just useless for survival, meant to die off but because of modern society I don't have to hunt. life should be fucking easy for me what's up with me ?
I get angry at myself but what's the point I need an external trigger to finally take the correct steps and do it already.

I realize I started to vent and I apologize for that. I don't even know what I am hoping for answering all these questions and being on this forum because deep down I know what I deserve and what I should do ASAP. I don't even know how to end my comment here I'll just click on reply …

 

[FrownyFace]

I like to pretend I'm in a fantasy world all day to distract myself from everything but not a day goes by without thinking of it. It's horrible.

 

[noname27]

basically 24/7

 

[HelpDoesNotExist]

Unless I'm drunk or high enough to actually enjoy daydreaming but my parents keep taking that ability away, taking my bank card and ID and stuff, like it matters if I destroy my body after I've lost everything

 

[sos]

i guess that i'm lucky when i say that i don't think about it all the time

i have these weird moments where i get motivated and keep myself busy with things that i could dream of (basically everything related to the future)

even tho ive pretty much given up on life already by sorting everything out for my death

and there are still moments during the day where i actively keep myself busy w catching the bus

 

[Minsu]

It's in the back of my head 24/7, even when I sleep bc I keep having suicide dreams pretty often. It's both exhausting and freeing at the same time

 

[Balloon ANIMAL🎈🪅]

From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep that's the one constant thing I keep on thinking about
I keep on playing scenarios in my head of my last day here, what I'll say to my friends, what I'll say to my Mom.. I really need to order some SN and quick.
My birthday is in 3 days and this is my last year here, so I wanna make the most of it at least how I can..
When my last day will come I'll probably rent some hotel room, take hella drugs and chill out, waiting patiently for the SN to kick in and fall to an endless sleep

SAME! It's like the only way I can cope with the day. Just constantly thinking and researching how I'm going to do it and all the things I need to get in order to make it easier on anyone who it will effect.