Do you tell people close to you how you really feel or try to mask it? I have known 4 people commit suicide in my life and in each case you would have no idea they were struggling so much. Outwardly they seemed to be coping fine. All were male, 2 by hanging, 1 jumped in front of a train, and the other by car exhaust fumes. I'm getting on a bit so this is over a number of years. The people I know who have been vocal about their struggles are all still here. I think it shows you really need to talki f you can. And also if you have a friend who goes quiet, or suddenly seems fine, they may be in trouble. I think people go quiet if they are determined so nobody can talk them out of it. I think a lot of us do want to be stopped even if we may not realise it, that probably means you aren't ready. I don't know, it really is a minefield!
No I most definitely do NOT want to be stopped and the mere thought of being stopped fills me with dread and panic.
Even the possibility of my method failing on its own is incredibly distressing to me.
I rarely find the opportunity to speak on my suffering irl, even though it should be plainly obvious that I suffer. And have so severely and progressively for the majority of my life at this point.
It would be insane for me to stick around.
Even out of spite.
But when I have had the opening to say something, and when the internalization and keeping things inside became downright poisonous, I simply could not give any more damns about the consequences of saying my piece and just had to speak. Or try.
(People
really don't want you to tell them, they don't even want to hear about your struggles in general that got you to that place. So some of us who do try to talk, end up doing so on deaf ears, to a brick wall, therefore nothing really comes of it either way.
The only people who want you to tell them you're suicidal are Psychs, for their paycheck…and even
they aren't usually concerned with the root cause or the reasons you offer as to
why you need to end things.)
I think it's bullshit that talking in every case means you secretly want to be "saved" (I consider it the opposite of saving) or that you're "not ready".
Who the hell is ready to die?
Who the hell was ready to suffer and be tormented to the point that expediting death became the most reasonable option?
Sometimes what must be done must be done.
I think even those of us who are more than ready for this to be over, way beyond our natural limit, still aren't at peace with having been so fucked over. And never will be.
Even those who have succeeded in killing themselves probably were not "ready" in every sense of the word.
I think you have a point that talking can ease the pressure cooker sensation going on inside some suicidal people, which in turn may extend their life, even if only temporarily.
But keep in mind that some who went quiet and were quick about it, may have simply been just that: quick about it.
Not every suicide was some unforeseen event.
Not every suicidal person was a surprise…I've noticed that this "shock" is applied to cases where it doesn't even belong.
Even when there were obvious signs.
And again, could also just be a scenario of impulse.
It's actually easy to commit to an action, the less you fucking think about it.
As ill-advised as that is.
Also, even when your situation is terminal, you usually still want people to give a damn.
Giving a damn should not equate to stopping the suicide or talking someone out of it.
Even those dead set on killing themselves would prefer some comfort and care given to them on their way out.
For the same reason a dying man with 5 minutes left to live might ask for a glass of water.
We all die eventually anyhow, no matter how short or long our journey is there, most of us don't want to be disregarded as we go, especially when our lives were already miserable enough.
I will say though, there
are some people who want to talk (or act a certain way) with the intention of having someone stop them (or perhaps hoping the person they tell will flail about in an attempt at flattering them out of the idea, reassuring them in their worth).
Sometimes this is obvious, other times it involves very extensive mind games and it becomes difficult to tell who is serious and who is not..until it's too late.
I've spoken to people (one or two cases in particular) where I thought we were on the same page, to the point where they had convinced me, of their own volition..through their own words and actions and assertions, that they were suicidal..and if and when they were to kill themselves, they did not want anyone to stop them nor EVER call anyone or put them in the hospital. (I felt the same.)
Then down the line..way too far down the line.. a bomb is dropped that retroactively recolors everything, where it turns out they may have secretly wanted to be stopped all along..and they suddenly, with little warning, projected that desire and mentality onto me unfairly.
Believing that I must be the same.
Which REALLY pissed me off and more importantly scared the shit out of me, as I was lulled into a false sense of security thinking there was no way this person would ever interfere in my plans or disrespect my right to die, because they were as adamant as I was, at least in the sense of adhering to someone's wishes at face value.
(We were not coercive to one another.)
When all bets were off the table, and I was thrown for a loop…among others factors, I had to walk away. Permanently.
My privacy, dignity and last semblance of sanity were too important.
I will not risk someone making me think they're safe to open up to..only to spring onto me a completely different impression where I suddenly have to be terrified out of my mind that they might contact a family member or think it wise to stop me against my own judgement.
I hope the people I walked away from never did that (I am too scared to dig around or ask),
I think one of them certainly knows better and may have realized why I became freaked out. And I regret how many other difficult things were in the mix that I could no longer converse with them about..for both our sakes, not only because I was simply too overwhelmed with my own detriments and couldn't be a consistent support system, but because the trust I thought I had established time and time again, the push for mutual respect..was upended. I could not go back.
Maybe some people have more room to change their minds and other more pleasant aspects of their life or person that make them flip flop between tolerance and intolerance of their predicament.
But I have not wavered. I'm steadfast..resolute in what must take place.
I worry about things like failure and the consequences of that (brain damage, further impairment, an even worse existence with no way to end it, etc) but that doesn't mean I want to be stopped (and let's be honest, nobody ever prevents a suicide simply to keep a person from ending up in a worse position…let that sink in, because it has pretty disturbing implications).
