Discussion Do people around you know how you feel?

[7thundercloud]

I mostly try to keep it to myself, especially with friends. My biggest fear is making my friends feel bad or feel what I feel. It's what happened with my ex, I feel like every dark thought she shared with me just got passed onto my brain. It sucks, she made me feel bad all the time and I would hate to make my friends feel that way. I am a pessimist at heart and it scared me to lose friends over it.

 

[outrider567]

That I'm depressed, yes, That I'm suicidal, no

 

[Odahviing475]

Ironically, I'm the depressed one in my friend group. However, one of my friends (A) uses my cheery, bubbly outgoing attitude as an example of what another one of my friends should be. He's just shy, but friend A who's newer thinks he's sad and depressed.

Not saying they haven't gone through anything, that shy friend was depressed at one point but overcame it.

 

[Heavenbound]

I've made subtle hints to some family members and told one friend outright.
Part of me wants to 'get better' and the other part of me says what's the point.

 

[Rainork]

Do you tell people close to you how you really feel or try to mask it? I have known 4 people commit suicide in my life and in each case you would have no idea they were struggling so much. Outwardly they seemed to be coping fine. All were male, 2 by hanging, 1 jumped in front of a train, and the other by car exhaust fumes. I'm getting on a bit so this is over a number of years. The people I know who have been vocal about their struggles are all still here. I think it shows you really need to talki f you can. And also if you have a friend who goes quiet, or suddenly seems fine, they may be in trouble. I think people go quiet if they are determined so nobody can talk them out of it. I think a lot of us do want to be stopped even if we may not realise it, that probably means you aren't ready. I don't know, it really is a minefield!

I'm currently out at the pub and was just thinking about this exact thing.
No, most people around me don't know how I'm feeling (only a few very close), to everyone else I'm the bubbly, happy, energetic girlie who's the life of the party and always laughing- little do they know that I'm planning on ctb and may not see some of them again.
It's weird to think about but it is what it is.

 

[NorthernMonkey]

I've made subtle hints to some family members and told one friend outright.
Part of me wants to 'get better' and the other part of me says what's the point.

This is how I feel too, there is a part of me that would like to sort my life out but the other part, the stronger part, feels there is way too much to unravel. I just wish I could start over. I'd probably just fuck things up a second time though :)

I'm currently out at the pub and was just thinking about this exact thing.
No, most people around me don't know how I'm feeling (only a few very close), to everyone else I'm the bubbly, happy, energetic girlie who's the life of the party and always laughing- little do they know that I'm planning on ctb and may not see some of them again.
It's weird to think about but it is what it is.

Are you a Brit? Yes it is totally weird, I only joined here recently and I've started thinking, imagine if I'm chatting with people I know, we could all be pretending to be fine but then coming here to vent :)

 

[Riu]

I've tried but nobody really cares so I gave up. Now I'm pretty lonely.

 

[Rainork]

Are you a Brit? Yes it is totally weird, I only joined here recently and I've started thinking, imagine if I'm chatting with people I know, we could all be pretending to be fine but then coming here to vent :)

Yes I am a Brit.
I hadn't thought about that much but now I will be! Such a weird thought that you don't really know who else around you is struggling in the same way

 

[NorthernMonkey]

Yes I am a Brit.
I hadn't thought about that much but now I will be! Such a weird thought that you don't really know who else around you is struggling in the same way

It was the pub and calling yourself girlie that gave you away :) Me too. It isn't easy with our stiff upper lip, whatever you do don't show emotion, culture :)

 

[Someday_Somehow32]

I don't have a lot or anyone really, mainly I just hint to it a lot. They never get it, even when I really want them to

 

[Rainork]

It was the pub and calling yourself girlie that gave you away :) Me too. It isn't easy with our stiff upper lip, whatever you do don't show emotion, culture :)

Ahh, I knew pub would be a give away, didn't realise girlie would as well!
Ikr! It's such a pain, no matter what's going on, always act happy and pretend you're okay- such a nightmare sometimes!

 

[RoundaboutResolved]

No & it's none of their business!

 

[SantasHelper]

My two bestfriends do. One of them was supportive and understand where I'm coming from. The other one got offended. besides that, I don't think I would tell anyone. One of my other friends know but I didn't go super into detail. But they were also supportive of me and my feelings.

 

[SanctionedSquad]

No, in this shitty society you can't tell normal people that you want to die, most people don't understand a level of pain that is so high that you don't want to live.

 

[nosoul]

I've just made hints before to strangers, a friendly couple in my hotel, mentioned he wanted my dog, I then said, man if something happens to me I want you to take care of him, but i told them I'm unable to sleep and eat well. It was more an emotional reaction that I love my dog, want him to be cared for.

Bless their hearts they immediately offered me weed,insisting I take it. Weed really used to help me sadly. Sorry silly story.

I will put on a happier face from now on, not tell a soul. If I write a note,it will be very general, just saying that my illness has gotten the best of me, but based on this thread, makes me have to consider some things, carefully choose my words.

I will apologize to my father, as he is the only one who still cares, but I think he knows my life is ruined, and now my mental and emotional function is gone, sleeping only because of drugs and barely eating due to health issues. I'm just wasting away with no emotions, I wish to end it with some personal dignity, not decline and lose my awareness and emotions, wandering around like a senile old man.

 

[Haruka]

I don't really have anybody anymore so no, I think this is the only safe space for me to express how I really feel but I'm so happy that I have this website to fall back on, it's helped me a lot so far

 

[warriorofeld]

Its hard getting through a work day as i have to talk to coworkers 99% of the time and it's getting harder to hide it and function. Nobody around me knows about how i feel and like many others I'm grateful for this site. Ctb soon just waiting for my sn to show up.

 

[goh.nix]

Do you tell people close to you how you really feel or try to mask it? I have known 4 people commit suicide in my life and in each case you would have no idea they were struggling so much. Outwardly they seemed to be coping fine. All were male, 2 by hanging, 1 jumped in front of a train, and the other by car exhaust fumes. I'm getting on a bit so this is over a number of years. The people I know who have been vocal about their struggles are all still here. I think it shows you really need to talki f you can. And also if you have a friend who goes quiet, or suddenly seems fine, they may be in trouble. I think people go quiet if they are determined so nobody can talk them out of it. I think a lot of us do want to be stopped even if we may not realise it, that probably means you aren't ready. I don't know, it really is a minefield!

I have a few people who know varying amounts of how I feel. I don't know if I can ever tell someone everything, it would exhaust them. I mask things to everyone else. But my few close people do so much to try to make my life better and they mean the world to me. I hope I can be what they are to me to someone else. I hope if anyone, on this site or in real life, wants to talk and wants to be stopped, they might trust me enough to reach out. And I hope I can provide the help they deserve, even for just a few moments.

 

[shatteredlife]

When people ask me how it's going, i reply "Life is good, I am blessed". I believe that. Life is good I am blessed but i still want it to end sometimes . I made all the decisions that put me here and I feel like I have it better than most but i want to be loved like a country song kinda love. I have always dealt with depression and have always hid it by acting like I am a strong independent gal that doesn't settle but I feel like I didn't get that love. It makes me feel like I am not really wanted or needed here on earth, I feel like no one will really truly be at a loss at my absence. They might be shocked that they didn't see my pain or that I didn't seem like I was dealing with anything but I don't feel like any of their lives will really be affected No one will really miss me. No one's heart will be broken when I am gone. Shocked but not broken. They might feel bad that they missed it but that will pass as quickly at it comes.

 

[SpiderLink]

Do you tell people close to you how you really feel or try to mask it? I have known 4 people commit suicide in my life and in each case you would have no idea they were struggling so much. Outwardly they seemed to be coping fine. All were male, 2 by hanging, 1 jumped in front of a train, and the other by car exhaust fumes. I'm getting on a bit so this is over a number of years. The people I know who have been vocal about their struggles are all still here. I think it shows you really need to talki f you can. And also if you have a friend who goes quiet, or suddenly seems fine, they may be in trouble. I think people go quiet if they are determined so nobody can talk them out of it. I think a lot of us do want to be stopped even if we may not realise it, that probably means you aren't ready. I don't know, it really is a minefield!

Some, but not everything. Little bits.

 

[CTB Dream]

Nobod know nobod undrstnd all awful, even befr injury damage no care no know, now add injury damage nobod know, life hell ppl stonage ,now vege ppl think no tging

 

[Green Destiny]

No not really. I did tell my mom once that I've thought about suicide but she just said "You shouldn't think that way." and that was all she said. Like she didn't want to acknowledge my feelings.

 

[Stripe19]

Those close have an idea, but those closest and not as close are clueless. Odd, i know, but its because i dont want it to be my reputation, and the people i really REALLY care about should not be even thinking about my wellbeing. I never stress how awful im doing, but people always hear it when i really do appreciate something, not that they seem able to separate it from the fake stuff.

 

[NorthernMonkey]

When people ask me how it's going, i reply "Life is good, I am blessed". I believe that. Life is good I am blessed but i still want it to end sometimes . I made all the decisions that put me here and I feel like I have it better than most but i want to be loved like a country song kinda love. I have always dealt with depression and have always hid it by acting like I am a strong independent gal that doesn't settle but I feel like I didn't get that love. It makes me feel like I am not really wanted or needed here on earth, I feel like no one will really truly be at a loss at my absence. They might be shocked that they didn't see my pain or that I didn't seem like I was dealing with anything but I don't feel like any of their lives will really be affected No one will really miss me. No one's heart will be broken when I am gone. Shocked but not broken. They might feel bad that they missed it but that will pass as quickly at it comes.

You sound like a lovely person, I'm sure you would experience country song love if you met the right person, that is a brilliant way to describe it! It's sad to think your soul mate could be out there somewhere feeling the same way. How to meet them though, that's the problem. Dealing with depression doesn't exactly make you feel like making the effort to get out there and wade through all those frogs! I have a feeling you would be missed, unfortunately we often don't realise just how much someone means to us until they are gone. You seem too interesting to not have a secret admirer lurking in the shadows :)

 

[DeathMarch66]

I was deeply touched by this post in the sense of how relatable it is. In my own life I often find that I've lost track of how many faces I've created for different groups of people around me. I'm not sure how many of you will relate to this but I'm sure some will, I find that my responsibilities are the reason for me still being here and for my despair. It's a double edged sword, I willingly carry the burdens of those I care about because I feel it is my responsibility but in the same light I am often inadvertently not seen for who I truly am because I'm always wearing a mask. I've had many nights were the world is quiet and I'm alone with my thoughts and I see my true self, I've come extremely close to CTB many times but everytime I'm alone and ready something always stop me, a phone call, someone crying, etc. And in those moments I have to put my mask back on and remedy the situation by the time I'm alone again I'm exhausted and have moved on from my true self I go to sleep and start it all over again the next day.

 

[NorthernMonkey]

I've tried but nobody really cares so I gave up. Now I'm pretty lonely.

I think people would care if they understood, but they think you can, and should, just snap out of it. I'm also convinced that if you say you are depressed to someone who hasn't experienced depression, they think you mean you are a bit fed up, having a bad day etc. Either that, or the idea of mental illness scares them, so they avoid talking about it. Plus, if people are happy and enjoying life, they don't want our misery bringing them down. This is why most of us learn to mask our feelings. I feel lonely too, even with people around me. Talking with people like you on here is making me feel less lonely, I hope it is helping you too?

 

[sparkle]

Yes they know, no they don't care, its been so long maybe they feel that they can do nothing to help, or that I will just push on forever. But it will be coming to an end shortly, I don't really know how they are going to feel about that. I can't say that I really care either.

 

[NorthernMonkey]

No not really. I did tell my mom once that I've thought about suicide but she just said "You shouldn't think that way." and that was all she said. Like she didn't want to acknowledge my feelings.

Wow, such a mother thing to say. I wish that was all it took and we could all say "really, I shouldn't feel this way, OK I'll stop it then" :) In your Mom's defence, imagine how hard it must be to hear that from your child, I expect she couldn't handle it so just avoided it altogether.

I was deeply touched by this post in the sense of how relatable it is. In my own life I often find that I've lost track of how many faces I've created for different groups of people around me. I'm not sure how many of you will relate to this but I'm sure some will, I find that my responsibilities are the reason for me still being here and for my despair. It's a double edged sword, I willingly carry the burdens of those I care about because I feel it is my responsibility but in the same light I am often inadvertently not seen for who I truly am because I'm always wearing a mask. I've had many nights were the world is quiet and I'm alone with my thoughts and I see my true self, I've come extremely close to CTB many times but everytime I'm alone and ready something always stop me, a phone call, someone crying, etc. And in those moments I have to put my mask back on and remedy the situation by the time I'm alone again I'm exhausted and have moved on from my true self I go to sleep and start it all over again the next day.

I totally relate. I feel that as long as I'm dealing with everyone else's issues, I can avoid my own. There will come a tipping point though, I don't know about you but for me it is getting more and more difficult to keep the mask from shipping :(

 

[cogmachine]

only one person knows the full extent of it. other than that, no one knows how serious it is. i agree with you, it's quite difficult to navigate the (sub)conscious and survival instincts.

 

[lessthanperfect]

Only one person (my mom) knows and she insists on trying to fix me and taking the burden onto herself (while simultaneously being one of my greatest reasons), so never again.

Some people "care" about me, but if I were to die suddenly of natural causes, they'd forget about it in a month. But, suicide, that they would be upset about. (insert eye roll emoji here lol)

These are the same people who would bully me and stop hanging out with me if they knew I was trans and depressed, since I'm just a small piece of their friend groups and really not a significant one.

I mostly try to keep it to myself, especially with friends. My biggest fear is making my friends feel bad or feel what I feel. It's what happened with my ex, I feel like every dark thought she shared with me just got passed onto my brain. It sucks, she made me feel bad all the time and I would hate to make my friends feel that way. I am a pessimist at heart and it scared me to lose friends over it.

This is sadly so relatable. I can't talk to the two people who actually care about me (sister and long-distance best friend) because I don't want them to feel differently about me or to burden them. This is also one of the only two reasons I haven't CTBed already (the other being inaccessibility).

At least I don't have to worry too much about making more friends that would want to be around me, because I'm autistic (Asperger's) and people already avoid me even when I'm trying to make friends.

I've made subtle hints to some family members and told one friend outright.
Part of me wants to 'get better' and the other part of me says what's the point.

At this point, even though I wish everything would get better and I wouldn't CTB if I knew it would, I know it won't and it's impossible in my current situation.

My two bestfriends do. One of them was supportive and understand where I'm coming from. The other one got offended. besides that, I don't think I would tell anyone. One of my other friends know but I didn't go super into detail. But they were also supportive of me and my feelings.

Man, that hurts. I had that same reaction from my mom originally. ("What did I do wrong?" "Why are you doing this to me?")

It's gotten better, but she still seems to think I could just snap out of it if I wanted to and that I'm suicidal because I'm lazy and don't want to try at anything.