Discussion Do people around you know how you feel?

[NorthernMonkey]

Do you tell people close to you how you really feel or try to mask it? I have known 4 people commit suicide in my life and in each case you would have no idea they were struggling so much. Outwardly they seemed to be coping fine. All were male, 2 by hanging, 1 jumped in front of a train, and the other by car exhaust fumes. I'm getting on a bit so this is over a number of years. The people I know who have been vocal about their struggles are all still here. I think it shows you really need to talki f you can. And also if you have a friend who goes quiet, or suddenly seems fine, they may be in trouble. I think people go quiet if they are determined so nobody can talk them out of it. I think a lot of us do want to be stopped even if we may not realise it, that probably means you aren't ready. I don't know, it really is a minefield!

 

[orca87]

There are no people around me

 

[NorthernMonkey]

There are no people around me

I'm here :)

 

[orca87]

Thank you, internet friend!

 

[NorthernMonkey]

There are no people around me

Have there been in the past? And is it by choice? You don't have to answer if it is too intrusive.

 

[leavingsoon99]

There are no people around me

Same. The few people who profess to care about me don't know. That's why I like this forum. I can be honest with my feelings here. This has done me so much good since I've found it and I'm gaining the confidence to carry out my plans. The fewer people who know, the better.

 

[NorthernMonkey]

Same. The few people who profess to care about me don't know. That's why I like this forum. I can be honest with my feelings here. This has done me so much good since I've found it and I'm gaining the confidence to carry out my plans. The fewer people who know, the better.

Me too, I don't tell anybody in my life so it is really a godsend finding other like-minded people and being able to chat freely and without judgement.

 

[chr74]

@NorthernMonkey that's what i did, as you describe, at first i would talk about it a lot (by 'it' i mean that i was feeling really unwell etc), but then when i started seriously thinking about suicide i went quiet generally with people and tried to avoid them

where i am now is i am talking to people again as normal like neighbours etc but inside im still screwed up and looking into suicide

 

[unnormal9]

No, I do not have anyone around me, near me or any circle/network. Even if there was, it wouldn't make a difference; I am chronically suicidal and no one can be around that—it's burdening.

 

[orca87]

Have there been in the past? And is it by choice? You don't have to answer if it is too intrusive.

There have been a lot. I had a rich and fulfilling life.
I lost my friends — hard to say if it was by choice. I mean, they did nothing wrong, so it was by choice in a way. The same way it was by choice that I ruined my life. But I didn't choose to ruin it.

In the same way as a smoking lung cancer patient has ruined his health by choice — but didn't choose lung cancer. If that makes sense

 

[ILuVCkn]

My friends but they seem to be uncomfortable when I talk about it so I never really brought it up in a conversation anymore. I mean I can't blame them really, it's too depressing to talk about.

 

[NorthernMonkey]

@NorthernMonkey that's what i did, as you describe, at first i would talk about it a lot (by 'it' i mean that i was feeling really unwell etc), but then when i started seriously thinking about suicide i went quiet generally with people and tried to avoid them

where i am now is i am talking to people again as normal like neighbours etc but inside im still screwed up and looking into suicide

I used to talk a bit more but have always been pretty private. The worst thing is if you try to explain how you feel then get the look of pure horror, so you back off and say you were joking

 

[chr74]

i have a housemate but havnt and wouldnt tell him im actually in the process of researching and planning suicide methods, for the main reason that i wouldnt want to be stopped such as if he calls services etc. im a 49 year old male so feel like im totally capable of making my own decisions and dont see what right others have to decide my fate just as i wouldnt try to decide theirs

 

[NorthernMonkey]

My friends but they seem to be uncomfortable when I talk about it so I never really brought it up in a conversation anymore. I mean I can't blame them really, it's too depressing to talk about.

Yeah it isn't exactly polite conversation in society :)

i have a housemate but havnt and wouldnt tell him im actually in the process of researching and planning suicide methods, for the main reason that i wouldnt want to be stopped such as if he calls services etc. im a 49 year old male so feel like im totally capable of making my own decisions and dont see what right others have to decide my fate just as i wouldnt try to decide theirs

I think the older we get, the more we feel this way. Young me would want people to know my pain, I tried an overdose at 21, luckily it didn't work, it was a stupid attempt at getting back at my boyfriend and friend who got together. Now at 50 something my problems are all about me and like you I want to make the decision without any interference. I also don't want anyone to have the guilt of thinking they should have tried to prevent it.

 

[Huntfish34]

A few of them do, but not many. I've seen the look of " Pure horror " too much, so I keep quiet and isolate my feelings / thoughts when I possibly can. =/ FML. -

 

[FuneralCry]

I believe that it's a terrible idea being so open about wanting to die as after all we exist in such an anti suicide society where there are so many people who are against the right to die. Being open about wanting/planning to die could just lead to more suffering, other people could try to interfere in suicide plans and we exist in a world that punishes suicidal people by locking them into horrific psych wards.

 

[Azora]

The only person left in my life at this point is my mom. She knows about how I feel but she's not compassionate enough to express too much care. She just tells me to go get therapy if the topic is ever brought up.

If I had a social network of friends who cared about me then I probably wouldn't be so suicidal in the first place.

 

[Unattainable666]

Do you tell people close to you how you really feel or try to mask it? I have known 4 people commit suicide in my life and in each case you would have no idea they were struggling so much. Outwardly they seemed to be coping fine. All were male, 2 by hanging, 1 jumped in front of a train, and the other by car exhaust fumes. I'm getting on a bit so this is over a number of years. The people I know who have been vocal about their struggles are all still here. I think it shows you really need to talki f you can. And also if you have a friend who goes quiet, or suddenly seems fine, they may be in trouble. I think people go quiet if they are determined so nobody can talk them out of it. I think a lot of us do want to be stopped even if we may not realise it, that probably means you aren't ready. I don't know, it really is a minefield!

There is no one who gives a shit, so I don't bother telling anyone. Besides so many people don't understand and I don't have the patience to explain my feelings.

 

[NorthernMonkey]

There is no one who gives a shit, so I don't bother telling anyone. Besides so many people don't understand and I don't have the patience to explain my feelings.

Yeah it's amazing that what seems so normal and matter of fact for us, seems so out of the realms of possibility to others. And you are right, people don't give a shit, they are too wrapped up on their own world.

The only person left in my life at this point is my mom. She knows about how I feel but she's not compassionate enough to express too much care. She just tells me to go get therapy if the topic is ever brought up.

If I had a social network of friends who cared about me then I probably wouldn't be so suicidal in the first place.

I bet she doesn't take you seriously, it must be hard to hear. It's funny how people who have never felt this way really believe that it's so easy to get help. I spoke to a therapist once, he was horrified and pretty much told me he couldn't help me, I saw his eyes getting wider and wider the more I spoke ... never again!

I believe that it's a terrible idea being so open about wanting to die as after all we exist in such an anti suicide society where there are so many people who are against the right to die. Being open about wanting/planning to die could just lead to more suffering, other people could try to interfere in suicide plans and we exist in a world that punishes suicidal people by locking them into horrific psych wards.

I'm not sure where you live but getting locked up in a psch ward would be unlikely here. Services are so stretched you would get a mental health evaluation at best. They basically ask a few questions then end up asking if you feel you are likely to harm yourself or others. If you say no you are on your way home. The rest of your post I agree with 100% :)

 

[Dead Ghost]

Only on this website can I talk openly about suicide, outside of here no one knows anything about my current situation and suicidal idealization. Regarding my personal situation (that I rarely leave the house, that I do not work or study, nor do I relate to other people) it is known to my mother (I live with her, as I was not going to know) and another person in the neighborhood with which I talk to by phone once a week... but in no case do I talk about the CTB or anything like that... I don't think of risking a forced internment that wouldn't bring me anything.

//

Només en aquest web puc parlar obertament del suïcidi, fora d'aquí ningú sap res de res de la meva situació actual i idealització suïcida. Respecte la meva situació personal (que surto poc de casa, que no treballo ni estudio, ni em relaciono amb altres persones) es coneguda per la meva mare (visc amb ella, com no ho anava a saber) i una altre persona del barri amb la qual em comunico per telèfon un cop a la setmana... però en cap cas parlo del CTB ni res semblant.. no em penso arriscar a un internament forçat que a la llarga no m'aportaría res de res.

 

[Foxes]

Now at 50 something my problems are all about me and like you I want to make the decision without any interference. I also don't want anyone to have the guilt of thinking they should have tried to prevent it.

I'm definitely going to take a page out of your book and stay quiet from here on out. I just responded to another thread about the experience I had last night trying to confide in a close friend and it wasn't fun.

It's sad because the people I want to tell this to the most are the ones I have to keep it hidden from. They don't understand and never will. You bring up a really good point about the guilt thing as well. My friend kept going on about guilt tripping him and I couldn't understand how I was doing that, but now I see... so thank you for that. It helps to gain some perspective because when you're this down, it's hard to think of anyone or anything else outside of yourself, especially when they're screaming mad at you.

Do you think you'll leave a note behind if/when you ctb?

 

[heavyeyes]

The few people around me know that I joke about suicide sometimes. What they don't know is I'm not joking. Other than that I don't talk about my severe suicidal ideation or plans to ctb with anyone other than with the people on this site. I feel understood and safe to express myself here.

 

[NorthernMonkey]

Only on this website can I talk openly about suicide, outside of here no one knows anything about my current situation and suicidal idealization. Regarding my personal situation (that I rarely leave the house, that I do not work or study, nor do I relate to other people) it is known to my mother (I live with her, as I was not going to know) and another person in the neighborhood with which I talk to by phone once a week... but in no case do I talk about the CTB or anything like that... I don't think of risking a forced internment that wouldn't bring me anything.

//

Només en aquest web puc parlar obertament del suïcidi, fora d'aquí ningú sap res de res de la meva situació actual i idealització suïcida. Respecte la meva situació personal (que surto poc de casa, que no treballo ni estudio, ni em relaciono amb altres persones) es coneguda per la meva mare (visc amb ella, com no ho anava a saber) i una altre persona del barri amb la qual em comunico per telèfon un cop a la setmana... però en cap cas parlo del CTB ni res semblant.. no em penso arriscar a un internament forçat que a la llarga no m'aportaría res de res.

Have you worked or studied in the past? It's so hard to have enthusiasm for anything isn't it? I have become less and less social over the years. I only go out if I really have to. Also, like you, I definitely keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. At least we can talk with like minded people here.

 

[RedDoor]

No, I do not have anyone around me, near me or any circle/network. Even if there was, it wouldn't make a difference; I am chronically suicidal and no one can be around that—it's burdening.

I know what you mean, most people are so weak and naive that they think that avoiding reality will make it change somehow

 

[NorthernMonkey]

I'm definitely going to take a page out of your book and stay quiet from here on out. I just responded to another thread about the experience I had last night trying to confide in a close friend and it wasn't fun.

It's sad because the people I want to tell this to the most are the ones I have to keep it hidden from. They don't understand and never will. You bring up a really good point about the guilt thing as well. My friend kept going on about guilt tripping him and I couldn't understand how I was doing that, but now I see... so thank you for that. It helps to gain some perspective because when you're this down, it's hard to think of anyone or anything else outside of yourself, especially when they're screaming mad at you.

Do you think you'll leave a note behind if/when you ctb?

I'm undecided on leaving a note. I feel I would have to make it generic or leave personal notes, but then who do you leave them for and who do you leave out. Would those who got a note or a mention appreciate it or would it make them feel bad. If I left a friend a note telling them how much they have meant to me, would they feel bad that they didn't see what was going on or try to help. I don't know, I think I need to think about this carefully. A friend of mine was left a note by a guy she knew and he told her he had always loved her but could never tell her. It just made her feel horrible that she hadn't noticed his feelings. Even now, years later, she goes over every word trying to understand exactly what he meant. She lives with so much guilt even though she didn't know him that well. I worry that my words could hurt someone that way. So confusing, would you leave one?

The few people around me know that I joke about suicide sometimes. What they don't know is I'm not joking. Other than that I don't talk about my severe suicidal ideation or plans to ctb with anyone other than with the people on this site. I feel understood and safe to express myself here.

I tend to mask my true feelings by joking too :(

 

[Foxes]

I'm undecided on leaving a note. I feel I would have to make it generic or leave personal notes, but then who do you leave them for and who do you leave out. Would those who got a note or a mention appreciate it or would it make them feel bad. If I left a friend a note telling them how much they have meant to me, would they feel bad that they didn't see what was going on or try to help. I don't know, I think I need to think about this carefully. A friend of mine was left a note by a guy she knew and he told her he had always loved her but could never tell her. It just made her feel horrible that she hadn't noticed his feelings. Even now, years later, she goes over every word trying to understand exactly what he meant. She lives with so much guilt even though she didn't know him that well. I worry that my words could hurt someone that way. So confusing, would you leave one?

Your poor friend, I can only imagine what she's going through.

You're giving me LOTS to think about now.
Gosh, I have no idea. I had started on a few of them but wasn't thinking at all about how the other person would react. I guess I figured that I didn't give a shit about myself, so why would anyone else?

Everything about this process is fucked, isn't it?

 

[NorthernMonkey]

@NorthernMonkey that's what i did, as you describe, at first i would talk about it a lot (by 'it' i mean that i was feeling really unwell etc), but then when i started seriously thinking about suicide i went quiet generally with people and tried to avoid them

where i am now is i am talking to people again as normal like neighbours etc but inside im still screwed up and looking into suicide

It's strange isn't it that you could be talking to someone and they seem fine and happy, but like us, inside they could be in total turmoil.

 

[EternalOblivion]

People are aware, but it's not a legitimate concern for anyone. I think the people in my life are fine so long as I'm merely breathing. No one really wants to see the reality I'm contending with because it interferes with their happiness. I think it's worse this way—to have people know, and still ignore the red flags. It makes me feel completely alone in the world, held by no one but myself.

 

[Foxes]

People are aware, but it's not a legitimate concern for anyone. I think the people in my life are fine so long as I'm merely breathing. No one really wants to see the reality I'm contending with because it interferes with their happiness. I think it's worse this way—to have people know, and still ignore the red flags. It makes me feel completely alone in the world, held by no one but myself.

This post alone could make me cry. It's so damn true. I feel completely forgotten about most days.

Big, huge hugs to everyone here. This shit is so hard to deal with.

 

[NorthernMonkey]

This post alone could make me cry. It's so damn true. I feel completely forgotten about most days.

Big, huge hugs to everyone here. This shit is so hard to deal with.

I couldn't have said it better myself, the post touched me too. At least we all see each other here and can understand without judgement.