I wrote this to help my parents and some of the people closer to me understand a little bit. I don't want it to complicate anything more. Does this make any sense?
***This is my explanations, observations, and developed philosophies. This, in no way, absolves me from the consequences of my actions, and it is not an attempt to justify my decision.
1. Momma and Dad, I'm so sorry. I love y'all more than I can put into words and this has never been y'all's fault. I could not have asked for two better people to raise me, which makes this hurt so much more; knowing what pain it will bring you. There is absolutely nothing I can do to fix whatever I've done, which is the worst part about it. I'd like to begin by saying that it is often hard to blame one cause for suicide, and I am not blaming anyone. The world we live in is just cruel and I got dealt the hand of having some pretty bad mental health issues. Our world is tolerable and good for most people, excruciating for some, and only great for a few. I've tried so many things but when you just can't shut off ever, and not have a constant voice in your head, it's miserable, truly. The internal dialogue is tormenting, but I am finally turning it off. Just about the only comforting thing in this situation. However, I would like to think that most people who know me, know that I can be extremely over-analytical. That's why as much as it pains me to do this to the people who do care about me, I don't have a choice. I've tried to do everything in my power over the past roughly 7 years to make do. But people just suck.
2. The way most people go through their lives directly contradicts good morals nowadays and it's way too easy to see. It genuinely blows my mind how anyone in my age group acts towards others. We were screwed with COVID from the beginning. It was literally the last thing anyone from our spoiled ass, out of touch generation needed. (By out of touch I just mean the only way people know how to interact is with technology. Even in person everyone's just showing each other shit on their phones because technology has become a killer crutch, but now it's the only way we know how to walk). Everyone loves to praise our generation because everyone has gone through so much, but it's just embarrassing. All anyone wants to do is either glorify their lows or complain about their highs. I've frankly never seen a group of more like-minded individuals, which is scary. I figured it was an isolated situation at first, but I realized it's all the same everywhere I go. This does not mean I'm not guilty of committing the same practices as my generation or any of the negative things I discuss. It is an observation, and I don't think it's our fault.
3. Humans are inherently bad and have always been that way. Despite infrastructure for power conflicts and other disputes, when something fucks up, it trickles down. And that's amplified in America just because of the sheer polarization and radical mess. So yeah, it's a continuous cycle of bullshit people electing bullshit people to do some bullshit. And yeah, I acknowledge the fact that it's a very raw way to look at the situation, but, when you view the situation from a further perspective that's what it is. When the people running the country are selfish assholes, people tend to be selfish assholes back. And it's not just politics that are polarized, it is everyone. The nation as an entirety. Everyone buys into the same bullshit and they don't say a goddamn word, they go about their life under the impression that they're in control. The systems in place today are insane to me. The way our schools, law enforcement, medical services, etc. are just all backwards you know. Bad people have it good and good people have bad. The poor stay poor, and the rich get richer. This dynamic does not promote any sense of solidarity within our country and will continue to do so until there is change (never). But regardless of that, they do it together and are totally convinced they are deciding what happens in their life, picking their side and following it to T. It infects all of us and can only be avoided by active resistance and questioning. We have no problem calling out what we see wrong as a country. But as individuals we are not resistant and critical of the person we are/have become. I am not saying the person is bad or good, for that is not me to decide. All I am saying is there is a lack of pursuit for a super-ego in individuals today. There are some close-minded folks in this country if you haven't noticed yet.
4. Now I get business nowadays is all connections and that's all it has ever been, but it genuinely blows my fucking mind how blatantly the vast majority of people don't give a flying shit about anyone but themselves. Everyone connecting, and "networking" is just so hollow. You can see it clear as day, right fucking through it, and just know they have an ulterior motive. I genuinely don't understand how people can go to sleep at night living such an unfulfilling life. But that's all it is when you put it simply. Humans are selfish people, whether it be consciously or subconsciously, with a small number of them having the ability to do good towards others, and not just do things for themselves. I don't think any species could ever become as animalistic and evil as humans in such a civilized (and normalized) manner. And then people would argue and say they know a bunch of great people and to them, I would say "shut the fuck up", for two reasons. #1. People ignore the fact that people speak with generalizations in many conversations because no one fucking knows everything about everyone, especially when talking about a group of people (club/state/country/human race). So yeah, no shit you know a nice guy? Cool! But people choose to ignore little pieces of logic like that. They choose to push away the unfamiliar, as it's the easier thing to do, and (get this) get childishly mad whenever people try to even introduce a somewhat contradicting idea. I'll tell you from a first-hand perspective, it's a hell of a lot easier to be a "nice" person when you're surrounded by similar people. True character is how you treat the people that aren't like you. That is the same manner in which one grades a society. The quality of life of a society is defined based on the way it treats its most vulnerable. (We decide if we're doing well or not based on the quality of life for the poor, old, and sick; not based on rich assholes, their salaries, and their "quality" lives). Most people suck at this and don't even care to make themselves aware of it. And #2. Because I don't see how a person can go about living life without recognizing the bullshit. It's fucking everywhere shoved in our faces, but let's buy-in, why not? We'll all sit here all day just doing what we're told, living in the world we think we know. It's amazing how blindly accepting people are of what is true and not true. I cannot imagine continuing on while trying to work and live with people the way they are.
5. I don't know when sometime in the 2000 teens that everyone just decided they were important. Last time I checked everyone's opinion doesn't matter so we shouldn't act like it does. Everyone's gotta milk their spot in the limelight though. So much negative media just forced down our throats every day, and so many radical opinions from every kind of person are depicted or covered because we eat that shit up. We'd love to hear what the political socialites' new radical opinion is, always catering to conflict at hand with no real form of credibility besides the mob mentality of party voters and not policy voters. There are such things as invalid and unqualified opinions, but if you have enough influence, regardless of the field of your profession, people will listen. For example, people like professional athletes have no business sharing their political opinions with the world. I am not saying they are not entitled to a personal opinion about the government that serves them, but people like that are not always entitled to sharing their opinion. The consequences of their influence and their words often go unrecognized, whether right or wrong. It does not aid the vast problem of misinformation, when anyone famous enough with a social media presence can change minds that are too conditioned to this form of information to know otherwise. I could care less what their opinions are, I am saying that those kinds of people need to be more aware of their position. Many of them probably are, and take advantage of this on purpose, but I mean we're the facilitators. Without us there's no one to influence.
6. Everyone is so fucking focused on materialistic shit. We've been conditioned to consume. Whether you believe that or not does not matter. This world stops functioning properly the second we stop consuming. It blows my mind how the life cycle of human beings has turned into a means to an end. Fuck a religion or whatever beliefs a person "buys" into. The only thing anyone buys into is them fucking selves. It's all about the individual, if no one gives a shit about me why would I give a shit about them. Hell, we live and die to make a goddamn dime that no one can use to actually fix the fucking problems. I'm not saying my situation is a direct result of the myriad of problems that any given American deals with regularly, but also, just look at it. In some way, (some more than others) we have all been molded by our environment, and there are direct relationships between many of these factors and the moral conflict I am discussing. Or rather, the lack thereof. It's so obvious and has been for quite a bit of time. People choose to ignore the bad parts of everyday life (despite it being the most available and useful tool for character/moral development) and in turn highlight outlying situations for us to "empathize" with who aren't as boring as homeless people, hunger, us killing the planet etc. I mean, disregarding the population's general subconscious obsession with whichever headline is more horrific, they don't even mention the negative stuff that's been impacting people on a massive scale for years. The part that gets me is this; How can people continue to treat each other like this when they see the consequences? How can they still be willing to pay that price? Well, it varies, but to put it straightforward most people are willing to sacrifice the best parts of life for money/materialistic shit. So yeah, they will have no problem if it comes at someone else's expense. Fucking awful. I tried. 7 years there's just a constant mental battle and torture that has never stopped. It made me stop eating and sleeping for months and honestly just fucking rotted me as a person. The self-loathing took over my mind and just never left. FUCKING NEVER. I've tried to do this countless times beginning junior year (span of 4 years - many attempts). This is not an impulse decision. This is not episodic, it's constant. I do not remember what it is like to be happy. Not for just a split moment in time, but to actually be a happy person. So, while yes, this might seem like the most selfish thing I can do, I've literally researched and thought of every option. It is so hard to try to be a good person or to figure out what that even means and be happy when you see what goes on in the world every day. See how little anyone really cares. Not enough people take the time to be their own person, and discover their own beliefs, morals, and experience/evidence-based opinions. Everyone is smart, but not too many of 'em even got a drop of wisdom. What is there to live for if there is no hope? no light at the end of the tunnel anymore? just darkness. I just do not see any way that there would be improvement of the general humankind's character in the future. If anything, the ethics, morals, and rationalizations of humanity will only deteriorate more and more; blurring and bending the lines of right and wrong to cater to our needs so we can feel a little less guilty about the people who suffer at the expense of our "success". I'm confident we've begun our decline.
7. For years I've been researching everything about myself just trying to figure out why I felt this way, or if there is something to make it easier. I'm a scary thorough reader when it comes to stuff I care about, so trust me I tried. But the only solutions I came across that I decided might qualify to solve my problems were the hundreds of ways to kill yourself. I do not see the point of continuing living if this is what it's like. And I do not see any situation really that could create enough change in the future for me to grow any will to live.So some methods I've seen over time have been hiring a hitman for yourself (lowkey sick), bunch of intentional "accidents" (car wrecks etc.), cutting off oxygenated blood flow to the brain via carotid arteries to induce cerebral hypoxia (hard to do without compressing the jugular or trachea, and hit both of the arteries in the sweet spots), partial hanging (hurts kind of), gun (cannot force anyone to look at me like that, especially my family), sodium nitrite, when ingested prevents hemoglobin conversion and deprives your body of oxygen while you're still breathing - asphyxia (easily the most painless way to go because you're out with 2 minutes of drinking it, dead within 30, and all you have to do is drink a glass of water mixed with it. Without methemoglobin inside any muscle tissue, the drinker's muscles are rendered useless after minutes. Survival instinct cannot kick in so there are no unconscious convulsions after the effects start, and in turn make it way less likely to fail/get found before the desired outcome), various methods of CO2 poisoning (car, charcoal grill, chemical concoctions), pesticides (Impossible to get anything that is potent enough), take some pills/drugs/alcohol and throw a bag over the head, tons of ways to drown yourself, different types of hanging etc. I've done my research, years of it. Hundreds of stories of successful recoveries leading to fulfilling lives. But there were also just as many stories from those who were successful in suicide. Both equally heartbreaking and thought provoking in nature. Everyone was different, but they all mattered the same to me; they all carried the same weight. Each one is another person just trying their best like the rest of us. I'm past second-guessing myself and have been for some years now. Just trying to find the best, least harmful way to do it without interference can be challenging. Basically, pushing anyone close away in order to alleviate any pain my death may cause them to the best of my ability, but it has only made my pain grow tenfold.
8. This is okay though. Whatever I can do to just get people to fuck off and not give a shit about me, I've been doing to the best of my ability. Also, one upside, I don't matter. That's the other thing that trips me up man. No one fucking matters kind of. You've got the 70-80 some odd years you're here and that's it, there ain't shit after probably (let's be realistic here, considering many people blindly accept the religion they were born into without any legitimate introspection, criticism, or exploration). Usually, people start not giving a shit about you before those 70 years are even up, so what makes you think anything you do is worthwhile after you're gone? (Yes, this is very nihilistic of me to say. However, considering the evidence, it is as reasonable, if not more, than any evidence for after-life claims made by other belief systems). There are probably ten thousand people (a generous number) a generation that do something worthwhile to better the world and continue to try and help it. I mean people that matter, and who create positive changes for the greater good of humankind at an impactful scale. I'm no mathematician, but 10000/8 billion ain't too high of a percentage. Hot take, but chances are you and I are not one of those people. But when people think of people who "matter", they glorify fuckers who are unnecessarily wealthy. Why? My guess is because that's all we have ever known. The stuff that's popular, that we see on the front of every website or app, is money, fame, travel, and all the other good things in life. At some point this became too widespread to stop. People idolize these influencers, politicians, and rock stars to a fault. Now I am not saying being a fan is a problem, rather, I'm saying that this should not be the first thing put in our faces as violently imaginative, pubescent kids being introduced to social media; it often is. For some it was just cool stuff on the internet, but for a few, it keeps them up at night. Keeps them wondering, "What am I doing wrong? How do I be more like what I am supposed to be? Why is it so hard to keep up when everyone else makes it look easy?" It is interesting to think we were all presented this challenge when we first attained a social media presence whether we realized it or not. We're highlighting the wrong people and creating the wrong narratives. But it is what brings in the bucks so... the media is such a fucked system.
9. It's goddamn interesting to me that just about any psychiatrist or mental health professional would immediately say that rise in clinical depression and suicide rates in teens in the past decade is a direct result of the social media and technology age, but they still do nothing. (When I say they, I'm referring to the selfish fucks earlier who only care about themselves and money, despite actually having the affluence and influence to create broad change). (Yes, I know there is literally fucking tons of resources for suicide and depression implemented into every facet of technology, but rates are still rising = not effective). There is too much information available at our fingertips for anyone who might be relatively mentally ill. It's causal. Technology, tons of information, and hyper-connectivity; they all breed this shit. Do you truly expect these hormone-filled teenagers to have all these tools and not come out the way they do? Kids these days don't go to high school for 8 hours a day, they go 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. For anyone older who didn't have a great high school experience, imagine not being able to get away from it for one second due to the fact that everyone is always interacting on social media. You either buy-in and try to fake it till you make it, or you push it away, in turn ostracizing yourself. Two bad options for anyone who's mental health is suffering at a similar scale to mine, and both have the same ending without intervention of some sort- something that has become far scarier than death to me. The former option just hurts a little more than the latter because you start to believe and drag out a lie until you cannot continue to live with such mental unrest.
Deepest regards,
Post. Salutations.
If you still think I'm stupid, you've probably never been suicidal. Life is a gift, yes. Some 1 in billions of odds that I'm here, but I didn't ask to be here either. I gave it a fucking try though that's for sure. In no way, shape, or form is it an easy way out. Trying to kill yourself all fucking night, attempt after attempt, and you can't, it's fucking miserable. Just begging "why me? why couldn't I just be normal?" During the day, it is all you can think about. Every morning I woke up and opened my eyes, I would be filled with immediate disappointment, because I was still there. Being suicidal is physically disabling. When you want to die so bad, simple tasks become impossible. It consumes you. And then, to go on and have these never-ending nights of pain and torment many times over years of just trying my fucking best at life just buried me deeper. It's so damn hard to kill yourself when the last thing you want to do is hurt anyone or make anyone mad, but if I do one thing for myself, it's this. Please just try to be a little bit empathetic, I know I'm an asshole for this.
I understand the criticism that might come from me never seeking help. However, at the time when the help would have been useful, I was too young and too scared to do something like that. Suicide is such a taboo subject in our world. Guys don't get depressed or suicidal.
Also, I'm aware that this is a bit of a rant, in some sense, but there's just so much to talk about. So many things factor into what makes a person's mood at any given moment, and I'm sitting here trying to put into words everything that contributed to or affected the most confusing, miserable mood I've been in for years. So yeah, it's a little all over the place and lacks some flow, chill. And I'm also aware I'm only discussing negative things; because why would I list the good shit about all the things I discussed when those weren't the things that were killing me to live? This isn't a highlight reel (in case you haven't noticed). Actually, it's more of just my observations of the world I know, my opinions on it (ironic right? See top §5), and what it made me feel. I know that there are also tons of positives to those things as well, but not enough to outweigh the negatives in my case.
***This is my explanations, observations, and developed philosophies. This, in no way, absolves me from the consequences of my actions, and it is not an attempt to justify my decision.
1. Momma and Dad, I'm so sorry. I love y'all more than I can put into words and this has never been y'all's fault. I could not have asked for two better people to raise me, which makes this hurt so much more; knowing what pain it will bring you. There is absolutely nothing I can do to fix whatever I've done, which is the worst part about it. I'd like to begin by saying that it is often hard to blame one cause for suicide, and I am not blaming anyone. The world we live in is just cruel and I got dealt the hand of having some pretty bad mental health issues. Our world is tolerable and good for most people, excruciating for some, and only great for a few. I've tried so many things but when you just can't shut off ever, and not have a constant voice in your head, it's miserable, truly. The internal dialogue is tormenting, but I am finally turning it off. Just about the only comforting thing in this situation. However, I would like to think that most people who know me, know that I can be extremely over-analytical. That's why as much as it pains me to do this to the people who do care about me, I don't have a choice. I've tried to do everything in my power over the past roughly 7 years to make do. But people just suck.
2. The way most people go through their lives directly contradicts good morals nowadays and it's way too easy to see. It genuinely blows my mind how anyone in my age group acts towards others. We were screwed with COVID from the beginning. It was literally the last thing anyone from our spoiled ass, out of touch generation needed. (By out of touch I just mean the only way people know how to interact is with technology. Even in person everyone's just showing each other shit on their phones because technology has become a killer crutch, but now it's the only way we know how to walk). Everyone loves to praise our generation because everyone has gone through so much, but it's just embarrassing. All anyone wants to do is either glorify their lows or complain about their highs. I've frankly never seen a group of more like-minded individuals, which is scary. I figured it was an isolated situation at first, but I realized it's all the same everywhere I go. This does not mean I'm not guilty of committing the same practices as my generation or any of the negative things I discuss. It is an observation, and I don't think it's our fault.
3. Humans are inherently bad and have always been that way. Despite infrastructure for power conflicts and other disputes, when something fucks up, it trickles down. And that's amplified in America just because of the sheer polarization and radical mess. So yeah, it's a continuous cycle of bullshit people electing bullshit people to do some bullshit. And yeah, I acknowledge the fact that it's a very raw way to look at the situation, but, when you view the situation from a further perspective that's what it is. When the people running the country are selfish assholes, people tend to be selfish assholes back. And it's not just politics that are polarized, it is everyone. The nation as an entirety. Everyone buys into the same bullshit and they don't say a goddamn word, they go about their life under the impression that they're in control. The systems in place today are insane to me. The way our schools, law enforcement, medical services, etc. are just all backwards you know. Bad people have it good and good people have bad. The poor stay poor, and the rich get richer. This dynamic does not promote any sense of solidarity within our country and will continue to do so until there is change (never). But regardless of that, they do it together and are totally convinced they are deciding what happens in their life, picking their side and following it to T. It infects all of us and can only be avoided by active resistance and questioning. We have no problem calling out what we see wrong as a country. But as individuals we are not resistant and critical of the person we are/have become. I am not saying the person is bad or good, for that is not me to decide. All I am saying is there is a lack of pursuit for a super-ego in individuals today. There are some close-minded folks in this country if you haven't noticed yet.
4. Now I get business nowadays is all connections and that's all it has ever been, but it genuinely blows my fucking mind how blatantly the vast majority of people don't give a flying shit about anyone but themselves. Everyone connecting, and "networking" is just so hollow. You can see it clear as day, right fucking through it, and just know they have an ulterior motive. I genuinely don't understand how people can go to sleep at night living such an unfulfilling life. But that's all it is when you put it simply. Humans are selfish people, whether it be consciously or subconsciously, with a small number of them having the ability to do good towards others, and not just do things for themselves. I don't think any species could ever become as animalistic and evil as humans in such a civilized (and normalized) manner. And then people would argue and say they know a bunch of great people and to them, I would say "shut the fuck up", for two reasons. #1. People ignore the fact that people speak with generalizations in many conversations because no one fucking knows everything about everyone, especially when talking about a group of people (club/state/country/human race). So yeah, no shit you know a nice guy? Cool! But people choose to ignore little pieces of logic like that. They choose to push away the unfamiliar, as it's the easier thing to do, and (get this) get childishly mad whenever people try to even introduce a somewhat contradicting idea. I'll tell you from a first-hand perspective, it's a hell of a lot easier to be a "nice" person when you're surrounded by similar people. True character is how you treat the people that aren't like you. That is the same manner in which one grades a society. The quality of life of a society is defined based on the way it treats its most vulnerable. (We decide if we're doing well or not based on the quality of life for the poor, old, and sick; not based on rich assholes, their salaries, and their "quality" lives). Most people suck at this and don't even care to make themselves aware of it. And #2. Because I don't see how a person can go about living life without recognizing the bullshit. It's fucking everywhere shoved in our faces, but let's buy-in, why not? We'll all sit here all day just doing what we're told, living in the world we think we know. It's amazing how blindly accepting people are of what is true and not true. I cannot imagine continuing on while trying to work and live with people the way they are.
5. I don't know when sometime in the 2000 teens that everyone just decided they were important. Last time I checked everyone's opinion doesn't matter so we shouldn't act like it does. Everyone's gotta milk their spot in the limelight though. So much negative media just forced down our throats every day, and so many radical opinions from every kind of person are depicted or covered because we eat that shit up. We'd love to hear what the political socialites' new radical opinion is, always catering to conflict at hand with no real form of credibility besides the mob mentality of party voters and not policy voters. There are such things as invalid and unqualified opinions, but if you have enough influence, regardless of the field of your profession, people will listen. For example, people like professional athletes have no business sharing their political opinions with the world. I am not saying they are not entitled to a personal opinion about the government that serves them, but people like that are not always entitled to sharing their opinion. The consequences of their influence and their words often go unrecognized, whether right or wrong. It does not aid the vast problem of misinformation, when anyone famous enough with a social media presence can change minds that are too conditioned to this form of information to know otherwise. I could care less what their opinions are, I am saying that those kinds of people need to be more aware of their position. Many of them probably are, and take advantage of this on purpose, but I mean we're the facilitators. Without us there's no one to influence.
6. Everyone is so fucking focused on materialistic shit. We've been conditioned to consume. Whether you believe that or not does not matter. This world stops functioning properly the second we stop consuming. It blows my mind how the life cycle of human beings has turned into a means to an end. Fuck a religion or whatever beliefs a person "buys" into. The only thing anyone buys into is them fucking selves. It's all about the individual, if no one gives a shit about me why would I give a shit about them. Hell, we live and die to make a goddamn dime that no one can use to actually fix the fucking problems. I'm not saying my situation is a direct result of the myriad of problems that any given American deals with regularly, but also, just look at it. In some way, (some more than others) we have all been molded by our environment, and there are direct relationships between many of these factors and the moral conflict I am discussing. Or rather, the lack thereof. It's so obvious and has been for quite a bit of time. People choose to ignore the bad parts of everyday life (despite it being the most available and useful tool for character/moral development) and in turn highlight outlying situations for us to "empathize" with who aren't as boring as homeless people, hunger, us killing the planet etc. I mean, disregarding the population's general subconscious obsession with whichever headline is more horrific, they don't even mention the negative stuff that's been impacting people on a massive scale for years. The part that gets me is this; How can people continue to treat each other like this when they see the consequences? How can they still be willing to pay that price? Well, it varies, but to put it straightforward most people are willing to sacrifice the best parts of life for money/materialistic shit. So yeah, they will have no problem if it comes at someone else's expense. Fucking awful. I tried. 7 years there's just a constant mental battle and torture that has never stopped. It made me stop eating and sleeping for months and honestly just fucking rotted me as a person. The self-loathing took over my mind and just never left. FUCKING NEVER. I've tried to do this countless times beginning junior year (span of 4 years - many attempts). This is not an impulse decision. This is not episodic, it's constant. I do not remember what it is like to be happy. Not for just a split moment in time, but to actually be a happy person. So, while yes, this might seem like the most selfish thing I can do, I've literally researched and thought of every option. It is so hard to try to be a good person or to figure out what that even means and be happy when you see what goes on in the world every day. See how little anyone really cares. Not enough people take the time to be their own person, and discover their own beliefs, morals, and experience/evidence-based opinions. Everyone is smart, but not too many of 'em even got a drop of wisdom. What is there to live for if there is no hope? no light at the end of the tunnel anymore? just darkness. I just do not see any way that there would be improvement of the general humankind's character in the future. If anything, the ethics, morals, and rationalizations of humanity will only deteriorate more and more; blurring and bending the lines of right and wrong to cater to our needs so we can feel a little less guilty about the people who suffer at the expense of our "success". I'm confident we've begun our decline.
7. For years I've been researching everything about myself just trying to figure out why I felt this way, or if there is something to make it easier. I'm a scary thorough reader when it comes to stuff I care about, so trust me I tried. But the only solutions I came across that I decided might qualify to solve my problems were the hundreds of ways to kill yourself. I do not see the point of continuing living if this is what it's like. And I do not see any situation really that could create enough change in the future for me to grow any will to live.
8. This is okay though. Whatever I can do to just get people to fuck off and not give a shit about me, I've been doing to the best of my ability. Also, one upside, I don't matter. That's the other thing that trips me up man. No one fucking matters kind of. You've got the 70-80 some odd years you're here and that's it, there ain't shit after probably (let's be realistic here, considering many people blindly accept the religion they were born into without any legitimate introspection, criticism, or exploration). Usually, people start not giving a shit about you before those 70 years are even up, so what makes you think anything you do is worthwhile after you're gone? (Yes, this is very nihilistic of me to say. However, considering the evidence, it is as reasonable, if not more, than any evidence for after-life claims made by other belief systems). There are probably ten thousand people (a generous number) a generation that do something worthwhile to better the world and continue to try and help it. I mean people that matter, and who create positive changes for the greater good of humankind at an impactful scale. I'm no mathematician, but 10000/8 billion ain't too high of a percentage. Hot take, but chances are you and I are not one of those people. But when people think of people who "matter", they glorify fuckers who are unnecessarily wealthy. Why? My guess is because that's all we have ever known. The stuff that's popular, that we see on the front of every website or app, is money, fame, travel, and all the other good things in life. At some point this became too widespread to stop. People idolize these influencers, politicians, and rock stars to a fault. Now I am not saying being a fan is a problem, rather, I'm saying that this should not be the first thing put in our faces as violently imaginative, pubescent kids being introduced to social media; it often is. For some it was just cool stuff on the internet, but for a few, it keeps them up at night. Keeps them wondering, "What am I doing wrong? How do I be more like what I am supposed to be? Why is it so hard to keep up when everyone else makes it look easy?" It is interesting to think we were all presented this challenge when we first attained a social media presence whether we realized it or not. We're highlighting the wrong people and creating the wrong narratives. But it is what brings in the bucks so... the media is such a fucked system.
9. It's goddamn interesting to me that just about any psychiatrist or mental health professional would immediately say that rise in clinical depression and suicide rates in teens in the past decade is a direct result of the social media and technology age, but they still do nothing. (When I say they, I'm referring to the selfish fucks earlier who only care about themselves and money, despite actually having the affluence and influence to create broad change). (Yes, I know there is literally fucking tons of resources for suicide and depression implemented into every facet of technology, but rates are still rising = not effective). There is too much information available at our fingertips for anyone who might be relatively mentally ill. It's causal. Technology, tons of information, and hyper-connectivity; they all breed this shit. Do you truly expect these hormone-filled teenagers to have all these tools and not come out the way they do? Kids these days don't go to high school for 8 hours a day, they go 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. For anyone older who didn't have a great high school experience, imagine not being able to get away from it for one second due to the fact that everyone is always interacting on social media. You either buy-in and try to fake it till you make it, or you push it away, in turn ostracizing yourself. Two bad options for anyone who's mental health is suffering at a similar scale to mine, and both have the same ending without intervention of some sort- something that has become far scarier than death to me. The former option just hurts a little more than the latter because you start to believe and drag out a lie until you cannot continue to live with such mental unrest.
Deepest regards,
Post. Salutations.
If you still think I'm stupid, you've probably never been suicidal. Life is a gift, yes. Some 1 in billions of odds that I'm here, but I didn't ask to be here either. I gave it a fucking try though that's for sure. In no way, shape, or form is it an easy way out. Trying to kill yourself all fucking night, attempt after attempt, and you can't, it's fucking miserable. Just begging "why me? why couldn't I just be normal?" During the day, it is all you can think about. Every morning I woke up and opened my eyes, I would be filled with immediate disappointment, because I was still there. Being suicidal is physically disabling. When you want to die so bad, simple tasks become impossible. It consumes you. And then, to go on and have these never-ending nights of pain and torment many times over years of just trying my fucking best at life just buried me deeper. It's so damn hard to kill yourself when the last thing you want to do is hurt anyone or make anyone mad, but if I do one thing for myself, it's this. Please just try to be a little bit empathetic, I know I'm an asshole for this.
I understand the criticism that might come from me never seeking help. However, at the time when the help would have been useful, I was too young and too scared to do something like that. Suicide is such a taboo subject in our world. Guys don't get depressed or suicidal.
Also, I'm aware that this is a bit of a rant, in some sense, but there's just so much to talk about. So many things factor into what makes a person's mood at any given moment, and I'm sitting here trying to put into words everything that contributed to or affected the most confusing, miserable mood I've been in for years. So yeah, it's a little all over the place and lacks some flow, chill. And I'm also aware I'm only discussing negative things; because why would I list the good shit about all the things I discussed when those weren't the things that were killing me to live? This isn't a highlight reel (in case you haven't noticed). Actually, it's more of just my observations of the world I know, my opinions on it (ironic right? See top §5), and what it made me feel. I know that there are also tons of positives to those things as well, but not enough to outweigh the negatives in my case.
