Do I owe it to my parents not to do this?

[Bone]

Basically, I have a ton of guilt about this. I'm in my mid-30s and life has completely fallen apart. Broke, ruined career, legal charges from manic episode earlier this year, no confidence, crippling anxiety, depression, debt, embarassment, shame, nihlism, childhood bullying/emotional abuse-you name it, I can check many, many boxes. Just not cut out for this world.

I know that just ending it is what needs to happen, lest I become a homeless raving lunatic at some point (again, I already was earlier this year briefly) in the very near future once my parents go. My dad is a genuinely honest and caring, kind person...not to say he's the world's greatest dad, but he has really tried hard for me when I didn't even believe in myself, and I love him very much. My personal situation has gotten too bad to go on, however-completely unemployable now.

My dilemma: I have analyzed this from every angle and I know this is what I want to do. My final second-guessing thoughts are the fact that I *know* it's gonna crush him, and also-even if I can't support them financially in older age-helping around the house for the remaining years left would be a huge thing for them, especially since my mom can't walk anymore. Part of me feels I owe it to them on some level....I feel some ethical burden to carry on in spite of the difficulty I feel so I don't destroy his remaining years and can continue to help around the house and take care of the land.

However...a bigger part of me feels I don't owe them a thing, and just need to say enough is enough. There is really no way I'll ever get a career going at this stage, and hopes of a family or having a retirement at all were destroyed a long time ago. It's gonna be devastating for him, but it's gonna be devastating for me to stick around when each day I can only think about ending it all. It's pointless for me to continue going on here. He is very familiar with my mental health struggles, though he can't begin to understand the difficult time I've had. I can only hope he can begin to understand and move on with his life. As for me, my life was destroyed a while ago, and the final nail in the coffin was earlier this year. I will be absolutely miserable putting on airs for the literal years he has remaining, and the outcome is gonna end with me CTB regardless. Ain't no way around it now. I'm pretty tempted to just go "none of this matters anyway and my life is hell, fuck this shit". Even seeing family is gonna be excruciating come this holiday season-I am an abject, utter failure in every sense of the word.

Conflicted on what to do-trudge forward and help due to my "duty" as a son, or just go ahead and pull the band-aid off...any thoughts or advice would be welcome. Much love and thanks in advance.

 

[bennay]

No one else has to live your life but you. In my opinion, no one should have a say on what individuals do with their life.

 

[motel rooms]

However...a bigger part of me feels I don't owe them a thing, and just need to say enough is enough.

Maybe this is the answer to your question... I'm really sorry your situation is so dire

 

[Apricity]

You owe nothing to no one but yourself. If you feel you can live a life worth living, then live it.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Conflicted on what to do-trudge forward and help due to my "duty" as a son, or just go ahead and pull the band-aid off...any thoughts or advice would be welcome.

First, that's a planet-sized weight on your shoulders. I wasn't going to comment because I think only you have any right to assess your life or decide on whether you'll ctb. I felt like you do towards my parent before she died. Just today, I was fantasizing about how things might have gone differently, me being the good and dutiful child. And I'll never forgive myself for not having been so.

Yet, I don't believe children can be responsible for our parents. Everyone's heard the argument dozens of times already, but we never ask to be born. No, we couldn't ask, but our parents know that life can be brutal--and if not brutal, then at least that life will certainly bring pain. They know we'll have to watch others--them?--die. And they know the great majority of us will waste our lives laboring for just enough to have to keep laboring until we're too sick or old, just before we die painfully. Yet parents make this choice for us, forcing us to accept the social contract no matter what we feel or want, no matter how unjust it is for many of us. I can't be grateful or feel indebted for that.

Your situation is backbreaking. I felt some of your pain just reading what you shared. I wish there were clear answers in easy reach for us. But I think we can only make them up for ourselves. I'm really, really sorry. Hope you find peace in coming to your answers.

 

[ChaseIt]

For what its worth the ONLY thing that so far has kept me in this world is knowing the pain it would cause my kid for the rest of his life. I would also be completely devastated if he were to do the same (but on some level I would understand it, it wouldnt change the pain). I'll never forget about 20 years ago waking up to police cars in the parking lot outside my condo. Apparently a 19 year old CTB'ed in his car using some chemicals. I watched as the cop walked the dad over to the car to verify it was his son and the dad laid on the asphalt sobbing for a good half hour. 3 days later I heard he shot himself in the head over it. It's a tough call and I feel for you.

 

[Pure]

Well ultimately it's your own life and nobody else knows how you particularly feel so you don't "owe" anyone in that sense. However, humanity would have died out before we left Africa if that was the approach our ancestors did. Humans are ultimately social creatures. We wouldn't be what we are if we didn't value the emotions and life of others as much as we valued ours.

 

[Chockles]

I now live with my elderly parents. They know I want to die The only person holding me back is me. They can see how badly I'm suffering They don't really want me to die but they can't cope with me barely existing either. The only thing holding me back is lack of method, I'll be buying N next week & guilt for not spending more time with them when I was younger & being unable to build bridges with them & support them in their old age. They say I've got to do it. I've not to feel guilty for our difficult relationship over the years. Yet I can't seem to get beyond my guilt. Hopefully I'll end things soon as I realise me being bed ridden is worrying for them & I'm stopping them enjoying remainder of their lives. No they don't want me to die really but they know I need to as I'm in extreme agony every day. I just hope when N arrives I can get over my survival instinct & guilt as I'm not coping, I have no chance of recovery & I'm only making things harder for them. If I ctb my suffering will stop, they can bury me & grieve at least knowing I'm no longer suffering. I know it's unusual for parents to know about my need to die & many say they envy me as I have their support in my decision but I'm actually struggling to cope with them knowing as it's meant I've had to talk about some traumatic stuff & caused a lot of pain for everyone. I hide away as much as possible staying in bed. My mum crying all the time makes me feel more guilty. It's not their fault yet I know she feels guilty that she should have noticed my problems earlier in life been able to help me more. I always felt not good enough I now realise they both love me very much it's just my brain is wired differently & I didn't see it until it was too late. They assure me I don't have to feel guilty & I need to end things for both my own benefit & theirs yet I still feel so much guilt.

 

[FuneralCry]

We have the right to exit this world at a time of our choosing, we have no obligations to stay alive as we did not ask to exist. It is your life, your decision and nobody else has any say in it. I'm sorry that things are so hopeless. Life really is horrible. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

No one else has to live your life but you. In my opinion, no one should have a say on what individuals do with their life.

Beautiful words. I understand not wanting to hurt others but it is unreasonable to expect others to live in torment and misery just so you don't feel bad. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Take care of yourself first.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

I don't think the perspectives of debts and duties are very relevant here. It's about the pain calculation. How much do I value my own lack of pain in relation to that of others? How much pain does the suicide cause others? How much pain does it relieve me of? And so on. Very hard to reach a good decision for me, if I just had something to push me over the edge (or even away from the edge, can't say I'm locked in 100% yet).

 

[YourNeighbor]

Not sure about your mental condition and access to treatment (which is neglected all over the world), but none of the other issues seem unfixable. Of course, only you get to choose whether to live or not.

 

[Ihadagoodlife]

Same situation

 

[bennay]

Beautiful words. I understand not wanting to hurt others but it is unreasonable to expect others to live in torment and misery just so you don't feel bad. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Take care of yourself first.

Exactly! The thing is, for me and I think others, I love my family very much and no I don't want to hurt them, if I could go back in time and rewrite life so that I could or would want to stay, I would but I can't and they can't take away the pain I feel day in and day out.

 

[cursedcorpse]

Basically, I have a ton of guilt about this. I'm in my mid-30s and life has completely fallen apart. Broke, ruined career, legal charges from manic episode earlier this year, no confidence, crippling anxiety, depression, debt, embarassment, shame, nihlism, childhood bullying/emotional abuse-you name it, I can check many, many boxes. Just not cut out for this world.

I know that just ending it is what needs to happen, lest I become a homeless raving lunatic at some point (again, I already was earlier this year briefly) in the very near future once my parents go. My dad is a genuinely honest and caring, kind person...not to say he's the world's greatest dad, but he has really tried hard for me when I didn't even believe in myself, and I love him very much. My personal situation has gotten too bad to go on, however-completely unemployable now.

My dilemma: I have analyzed this from every angle and I know this is what I want to do. My final second-guessing thoughts are the fact that I *know* it's gonna crush him, and also-even if I can't support them financially in older age-helping around the house for the remaining years left would be a huge thing for them, especially since my mom can't walk anymore. Part of me feels I owe it to them on some level....I feel some ethical burden to carry on in spite of the difficulty I feel so I don't destroy his remaining years and can continue to help around the house and take care of the land.

However...a bigger part of me feels I don't owe them a thing, and just need to say enough is enough. There is really no way I'll ever get a career going at this stage, and hopes of a family or having a retirement at all were destroyed a long time ago. It's gonna be devastating for him, but it's gonna be devastating for me to stick around when each day I can only think about ending it all. It's pointless for me to continue going on here. He is very familiar with my mental health struggles, though he can't begin to understand the difficult time I've had. I can only hope he can begin to understand and move on with his life. As for me, my life was destroyed a while ago, and the final nail in the coffin was earlier this year. I will be absolutely miserable putting on airs for the literal years he has remaining, and the outcome is gonna end with me CTB regardless. Ain't no way around it now. I'm pretty tempted to just go "none of this matters anyway and my life is hell, fuck this shit". Even seeing family is gonna be excruciating come this holiday season-I am an abject, utter failure in every sense of the word.

Conflicted on what to do-trudge forward and help due to my "duty" as a son, or just go ahead and pull the band-aid off...any thoughts or advice would be welcome. Much love and thanks in advance.

It's been almost 5 months since my brother took his life and although he had a lot of shortcomings and wasn't the best brother. I miss him being alive. I cry when I remember that he's no longer with us and it hurts me a lot that he felt it was the best option he had. The first few days and weeks were awful especially watching my parents and trying to pick up the pieces until you realize there's no need to pick up anything, we just have to adjust. I understand his decision and it sucks. It really does. It sucks because I wish he stuck it out but I also understand the flip side of the coin of wanting to so badly die. I respect his wishes if that's what he felt would bring him happiness. Even my parents who are catholic and had to choose between pulling the plug because he was clarified brain dead or waiting it out to see if there was a chance he could magically awake one day. They chose to let him go. It hurts and it will always hurt but at the end of the day we all want different things. Even though I still fantasize or have suicidal thoughts I personally can't crush my parents hearts like that seeing it first hand, it really is heartbreaking. That's just me though everyone is different. You have every right to feel how you feel and make your own decisions. No need to feel guilty about what you choose. As long as it makes you happy.

 

[Beeper]

Basically, I have a ton of guilt about this. I'm in my mid-30s and life has completely fallen apart. Broke, ruined career, legal charges from manic episode earlier this year, no confidence, crippling anxiety, depression, debt, embarassment, shame, nihlism, childhood bullying/emotional abuse-you name it, I can check many, many boxes. Just not cut out for this world.

I know that just ending it is what needs to happen, lest I become a homeless raving lunatic at some point (again, I already was earlier this year briefly) in the very near future once my parents go. My dad is a genuinely honest and caring, kind person...not to say he's the world's greatest dad, but he has really tried hard for me when I didn't even believe in myself, and I love him very much. My personal situation has gotten too bad to go on, however-completely unemployable now.

My dilemma: I have analyzed this from every angle and I know this is what I want to do. My final second-guessing thoughts are the fact that I *know* it's gonna crush him, and also-even if I can't support them financially in older age-helping around the house for the remaining years left would be a huge thing for them, especially since my mom can't walk anymore. Part of me feels I owe it to them on some level....I feel some ethical burden to carry on in spite of the difficulty I feel so I don't destroy his remaining years and can continue to help around the house and take care of the land.

However...a bigger part of me feels I don't owe them a thing, and just need to say enough is enough. There is really no way I'll ever get a career going at this stage, and hopes of a family or having a retirement at all were destroyed a long time ago. It's gonna be devastating for him, but it's gonna be devastating for me to stick around when each day I can only think about ending it all. It's pointless for me to continue going on here. He is very familiar with my mental health struggles, though he can't begin to understand the difficult time I've had. I can only hope he can begin to understand and move on with his life. As for me, my life was destroyed a while ago, and the final nail in the coffin was earlier this year. I will be absolutely miserable putting on airs for the literal years he has remaining, and the outcome is gonna end with me CTB regardless. Ain't no way around it now. I'm pretty tempted to just go "none of this matters anyway and my life is hell, fuck this shit". Even seeing family is gonna be excruciating come this holiday season-I am an abject, utter failure in every sense of the word.

Conflicted on what to do-trudge forward and help due to my "duty" as a son, or just go ahead and pull the band-aid off...any thoughts or advice would be welcome. Much love and thanks in advance.

@T-Bone - I can directly relate to your post. I am in a nearly identical situation.

Manic episodes have done irreparable damage to my career, finances, relationships and reputation. I am also facing legal troubles associated with a severe manic episode that occurred earlier this year.

I don't feel that I can rebuild my life at this point. So much has been wasted, and so many hurdles have been put in place.

I am not advocating for any action. Just wanted to let you know that I can relate and appreciate you sharing your story.

 

[DontGiveAshiit]

Basically, I have a ton of guilt about this. I'm in my mid-30s and life has completely fallen apart. Broke, ruined career, legal charges from manic episode earlier this year, no confidence, crippling anxiety, depression, debt, embarassment, shame, nihlism, childhood bullying/emotional abuse-you name it, I can check many, many boxes. Just not cut out for this world.

I know that just ending it is what needs to happen, lest I become a homeless raving lunatic at some point (again, I already was earlier this year briefly) in the very near future once my parents go. My dad is a genuinely honest and caring, kind person...not to say he's the world's greatest dad, but he has really tried hard for me when I didn't even believe in myself, and I love him very much. My personal situation has gotten too bad to go on, however-completely unemployable now.

My dilemma: I have analyzed this from every angle and I know this is what I want to do. My final second-guessing thoughts are the fact that I *know* it's gonna crush him, and also-even if I can't support them financially in older age-helping around the house for the remaining years left would be a huge thing for them, especially since my mom can't walk anymore. Part of me feels I owe it to them on some level....I feel some ethical burden to carry on in spite of the difficulty I feel so I don't destroy his remaining years and can continue to help around the house and take care of the land.

However...a bigger part of me feels I don't owe them a thing, and just need to say enough is enough. There is really no way I'll ever get a career going at this stage, and hopes of a family or having a retirement at all were destroyed a long time ago. It's gonna be devastating for him, but it's gonna be devastating for me to stick around when each day I can only think about ending it all. It's pointless for me to continue going on here. He is very familiar with my mental health struggles, though he can't begin to understand the difficult time I've had. I can only hope he can begin to understand and move on with his life. As for me, my life was destroyed a while ago, and the final nail in the coffin was earlier this year. I will be absolutely miserable putting on airs for the literal years he has remaining, and the outcome is gonna end with me CTB regardless. Ain't no way around it now. I'm pretty tempted to just go "none of this matters anyway and my life is hell, fuck this shit". Even seeing family is gonna be excruciating come this holiday season-I am an abject, utter failure in every sense of the word.

Conflicted on what to do-trudge forward and help due to my "duty" as a son, or just go ahead and pull the band-aid off...any thoughts or advice would be welcome. Much love and thanks in advance.

its tough bro. Im kinda in the same boat. my life basically was pretty good until some point, but then it became a complete train rack.
I would end it right now, the only thing that hold me back is my mother (and getting N...). Its hard situation indeed, I dont know what to do, there is no easy answer...
sorry if its not very usefull :-\ but I wish you luck whatever you choose.

 

[sillybillygo]

@T-Bone - I can directly relate to your post. I am in a nearly identical situation.

Manic episodes have done irreparable damage to my career, finances, relationships and reputation. I am also facing legal troubles associated with a severe manic episode that occurred earlier this year.

I don't feel that I can rebuild my life at this point. So much has been wasted, and so many hurdles have been put in place.

I am not advocating for any action. Just wanted to let you know that I can relate and appreciate you sharing your story.

I just want to say same about the manic episode doing irrevocable damage legally, financially, and relationship-wise as well as to my reputation and y'all both have an ally in me.