orpheus_
Student
- Apr 26, 2024
- 171
I learned to hold onto hope because all of my life I was miserable but also unable to escape. But now that hope is a curse. I don't want any more of it holding me here, I want to finally proceed and end it all because this is the best option. Even when I feel "better" I know this is the logical conclusion.
I was always alone because I was anxious as fuck as a kid and did not talk to anyone, and later I was just too convinced I'm fundamentally unlikeable to make relationships. I crave social contact. But I know I am too fucked up for it, I have nothing to talk about because my brain is a mess and I constantly either zone out or break out crying and nobody wants to keep company to someone like this, unless out of pity and I don't want to be treated like this. I just want a normal life, not a life of just surviving the fact of existence. I wasted my childhood and teenage years to social anxiety and my high school/young adult years to depression. I know it's my fault. But I tried to live, I tried to be normal, I'm just so tired of trying and I want rest.
My life is basically one huge string of boredom and misery. I know it's objectively good, I don't have serious health problems, no history of trauma or abuse, good parents who support me financially (and would support me emotionally if it was possible). I have possibilities and I used to have ambitions. Well, kind of. I just know that no matter what I get, I will always be only that: bored and miserable. Whatever I try to do, I always miss out on everything, I always back off because I'm too tired, too anxious or too disorganized, I cannot manage my time at all and my mind is either empty and unable to think or so chaotic that I cannot formulate any thoughts. I feel like my brain is rotting, honestly.
Also I always either want to die or obsessively fear death (I wrote about it in one of my previous posts) So I know that finally choosing death, which in the end is inevitable, will free me from this terrible jumping-between-states.
I have one friend/generally close person in my life but they are suicidal too and I am the only thing keeping them here. I know they only keep living to not hurt me, but they are suffering a lot because of many mental health problems and autism. I know I am only prolonging their suffering by staying here and they don't want to suffer. There are also my parents but we have grown distant since I moved out, also I know I have always been problematic to them with my imagined-issues. They will move on, finally free from this burden of a fucked up trans child, while all they want is a normal family. I was a problem since I was a kid anyway, with my weird obsessions and all that shit.
I have SN which is kind of old so I'm not sure if it still works and I don't have antiemetics, but I also have a rope and was thinking about combining the two methods. If I somehow fuck up hanging (though that's unlikely), SN will be my "backup" to finish me off. I live alone and after my death nobody would notice for at least 24 hours. I have written some notes to leave already, everything prepared. But I'm a coward. It's not that "I'm not ready", will I ever be anyway? I am indecisive as fuck. I cannot make ANY decisions in general, I just let life do to me whatever it wants.
I'm just too tired. I want it to end. I will not straight up tell me 'convince me to kill myself', but please give me arguments for and against at least.. like why should I even try if it never worked and I seem to be fucked up since birth. I'm tired
I was always alone because I was anxious as fuck as a kid and did not talk to anyone, and later I was just too convinced I'm fundamentally unlikeable to make relationships. I crave social contact. But I know I am too fucked up for it, I have nothing to talk about because my brain is a mess and I constantly either zone out or break out crying and nobody wants to keep company to someone like this, unless out of pity and I don't want to be treated like this. I just want a normal life, not a life of just surviving the fact of existence. I wasted my childhood and teenage years to social anxiety and my high school/young adult years to depression. I know it's my fault. But I tried to live, I tried to be normal, I'm just so tired of trying and I want rest.
My life is basically one huge string of boredom and misery. I know it's objectively good, I don't have serious health problems, no history of trauma or abuse, good parents who support me financially (and would support me emotionally if it was possible). I have possibilities and I used to have ambitions. Well, kind of. I just know that no matter what I get, I will always be only that: bored and miserable. Whatever I try to do, I always miss out on everything, I always back off because I'm too tired, too anxious or too disorganized, I cannot manage my time at all and my mind is either empty and unable to think or so chaotic that I cannot formulate any thoughts. I feel like my brain is rotting, honestly.
Also I always either want to die or obsessively fear death (I wrote about it in one of my previous posts) So I know that finally choosing death, which in the end is inevitable, will free me from this terrible jumping-between-states.
I have one friend/generally close person in my life but they are suicidal too and I am the only thing keeping them here. I know they only keep living to not hurt me, but they are suffering a lot because of many mental health problems and autism. I know I am only prolonging their suffering by staying here and they don't want to suffer. There are also my parents but we have grown distant since I moved out, also I know I have always been problematic to them with my imagined-issues. They will move on, finally free from this burden of a fucked up trans child, while all they want is a normal family. I was a problem since I was a kid anyway, with my weird obsessions and all that shit.
I have SN which is kind of old so I'm not sure if it still works and I don't have antiemetics, but I also have a rope and was thinking about combining the two methods. If I somehow fuck up hanging (though that's unlikely), SN will be my "backup" to finish me off. I live alone and after my death nobody would notice for at least 24 hours. I have written some notes to leave already, everything prepared. But I'm a coward. It's not that "I'm not ready", will I ever be anyway? I am indecisive as fuck. I cannot make ANY decisions in general, I just let life do to me whatever it wants.
I'm just too tired. I want it to end. I will not straight up tell me 'convince me to kill myself', but please give me arguments for and against at least.. like why should I even try if it never worked and I seem to be fucked up since birth. I'm tired
