Discussion Do any of you wish you were in an abusive toxic relationship?

[a flurry of knives]

Before anyone says anything, I've been in multiple abusive relationships, plus abusive family. So I know what it's like.

I currently have a very healthy relationship with my girlfriend. And it makes me miserable. I hate that it's healthy. I crave to be more broken than I already am and I don't know why. I want to be a vessel that someone can use to pour all of their negative emotions and hate into, so I can finally be useful. I would let someone use me fully, and each second this doesn't happen it makes me go insane. The fact that nobody takes on this very easy opportunity makes me feel worthless. Why? I don't understand. I don't think I deserve to be abused, so it's not that. Maybe I just want more reason to cbt. Does anyone else relate or am I just insane?

 

[AllFoxedOut]

i don't, but this isn't uncommon in abuse victims. I've heard others in this forum express similar wishes so you are definitely not alone.

it's not quite the same, but I am terrified of recovering from my mental illness and trauma. I am afraid of being happy. I relate on the desire to not be good

 

[a flurry of knives]

i don't, but this isn't uncommon in abuse victims. I've heard others in this forum express similar wishes so you are definitely not alone.

it's not quite the same, but I am terrified of recovering from my mental illness and trauma. I am afraid of being happy. I relate on the desire to not be good

I also relate to that. I stopped taking my meds because feeling better is terrifying. It's what we're used to and what our identity has been built upon, how are we supposed to live outside of it?

 

[AllFoxedOut]

I also relate to that. I stopped taking my meds because feeling better is terrifying. It's what we're used to and what our identity has been built upon, how are we supposed to live outside of it?

you put it into words. I'm not sure what I would lose about myself without it...

 

[Pluto]

I relate in the sense that I have weird masochistic tendencies that I can trace to demeaning treatment throughout childhood. I would probably feel far more excited to have a domineering partner, even though that would be horrible in every other way as I have also spent my life wishing to just be loved and respected. It has been an impossibly frustrating situation and I carry a lot of anger towards my abusers.

Still, the best advice is to see if your partner can experiment with accommodating it in some kinky way.

 

[SexyIncél]

Dunno if it helps you, I find zones of pleasurable abuse. Because tons of people are masochists, to some extent. The obvious place is erotically, but workplaces are actually another common place

Then the trick is to get the right mix of respect & abuse

Lots of people who were never abused like it, so you don't have to feel b0rken for liking it

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

no not really though im sorry you feel that way ):

 

[WanderingJerboa]

I feel the same way, like a peaceful CTB would be the easy way out.

 

[trashprincess]

Completely 100% this is what I think about ALL THE TIME!!!

Healthy relationships are so scary, I just freak out all the time until I ruin it.

Suffering is so familiar to me. Even if I was trying to be happy, I still feel like I would want it in my life.

I know I don't want my life to be constant trauma, and I try not to imagine myself being hurt. But I want my relationships to have something "wrong" with them, so that way they can feel "right" to me.

I would let someone use me fully, and each second this doesn't happen it makes me go insane. The fact that nobody takes on this very easy opportunity makes me feel worthless.

I'm obsessed with this thought! It's like what, am I not good enough for anyone? Why doesn't anyone want me! Why

I don't know what to make of all of this. Logically it seems like "bad ideas".. but I can't accept a reality where I'm not supposed to be used and/or abused. It just feels right. Make I can make it work.. haha ha

Don't know if I have any help, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone

*Hugs*

 

[Dot]

Un4tun8tly if ur bdy/nervs systm = mre fmiliar wth dangr thn dangr = wht wll mke u fl 'safr' whch = an unhelpfl pardox

Bcse sfety = unfmilar = wll b commn 2 fl threatnd b/ sfety

Ths trma therpst dscribes abt 2 mns in hw tht happns
Slf hve alwys bn intrstd in somatc/nervs systm trma wrk s/ ths cld hlp sme ppl --

 

[carac]

This is basically what I do with chronic pain, all my pain is real and I don't want it but unconsciously I do because it's a distraction from my anxiety. It's only really through learning all about this that I've managed to get a hold on it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Un4tun8tly if ur bdy/nervs systm = mre fmiliar wth dangr thn dangr = wht wll mke u fl 'safr' whch = an unhelpfl pardox

Bcse sfety = unfmilar = wll b commn 2 fl threatnd b/ sfety

Ths trma therpst dscribes abt 2 mns in hw tht happns
Slf hve alwys bn intrstd in somatc/nervs systm trma wrk s/ ths cld hlp sme ppl --

Yeah- I've heard this. So basically- people tend to be drawn to things they already know. Even sub consciously- because it feels familiar and 'safe'- even though it clearly isn't.

Like- how people sometimes go for partners that are similar to their parents- even their negative qualities.

I think there probably is something in it. A friend of mine ended up in an abusive relationship and her Dad used to slap her Mum around. I guess it felt like home for her.

 

[Unattainable666]

Oh hell NO!!!!! After being raised by a narc, two relationships with narcs and plenty of other relationships that sucked I'd rather not have any relationship than be in a relationship with a dumb ass!!!

 

[Final_Choice]

Yeah, mostly to push me beyond my breaking point and finally end things. I'm tired of having false hope which leads to nothing good in the end. I want something that can break my spirit more, hopefully to my limit, this might be it.

 

[plasticbomb]

Yes, I wish I had an excuse to feel the way I do. The only reason I feel the way I do is because of myself and not others around me. If I had someone who appreciated me but abused me I would appreciate it either way. Right now I am alone.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

No. I would like a normal, non-abusive relationship.

 

[N33dT0D13]

Yep. Just confessed it to my boyfriend last night. Then I blew up on him and I want it even more. I don't deserve someone kind and patient, I need to be smacked in my mouth, I need to be slapped and punched, I deserve the pain.

 

[strawb12]

I'm sorry but I can't relate. I think I felt the same way as you at some point during an abusive relationship I was in but over time my I stopped enjoying it & it became awful. I don't think I'll ever want to be in another abusive relationship.

 

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

As long as they acknowledge my existence and make me feel like I actually exist, I would just let it happen. Wouldn't enjoy it but I shouldn't get a say anyway. Over the years, I've gradually learnt to accept my place in life as an object for others to abuse and injure

 

[Talles]

I do.
I had an relationship where there was closeness and sex - not enough of it to be considered cookie cutter good but just enough so I could get my fill. I disliked opening myself and that woman seemed like the perfect person as she was just as scared of a true connection as me. We hurt each other a lot in the process, but it felt so good to know there was a person that would always come back no matter how awful I was.
Eventually she decided to get better. And it was over.

 

[bpdbunnygirl]

this describes exactly how I feel + my current situation

 

[sserafim]

No, I don't want to be in any relationship cause I'm aroace