Distraction from CTB

[nitrogenous]

Does anyone else feel the same way where distraction feels really forced? I know with helplines their goal is to ensure that the caller doesn't ctb immediately within the next couple of hours. Not to blame them, but often times, especially nowadays, doing things that distract me really doesn't solve any of my problems. It feels like a dejavu nightware where I'm just distracting myself/delaying myself from ctb-ing when I know I will eventually ctb anyways. If it's so bad, I would even just take my night meds early to sedate me to sleep. But, how is it meant to solve my financial issues? Or work issues? Or family issues? Or chronic health problems? Or anything really? I just want things to get better because I was close to ctb-ing last week and was prepared for it but suddenly had this overwhelming sadness all over me… If it's not because I ended up too drowsy to attempt, I wouldn't have been here anymore. On the other hand, I feel like a failure every single day. Coming from someone who was so brilliant, being the valedictorian and dux of the university, to a mere drop out and from having prestigious jobs to getting fired twice because of my mental health, I think I have no excuses anymore…

I really don't know how to get better. I am very self aware so therapy so far hasn't helped. And I'm on the edge of being homeless, which means that I won't be able to afford therapy or food or rent or anything, and the last few times similar things happened, I ended up attempting suicide. I'm afraid of doing the same thing again (but worse as I have a more lethal mean now)…

 

[CedarLine]

It sounds heavy dealing with financial stress, health issues, work problems, and feeling like you've lost the life you used to have. Anyone would struggle carrying all of that at once.

And it might be unfair to compare yourself to your past self. Back then you were living under completely different circumstances. The fact that you were able to achieve so much before says something about you, your abilities do not disappear because you're in a hard period now.

You're not a failure for struggling when things are this overwhelming. Surviving through a period like this is already a lot.

 

[nitrogenous]

It sounds heavy dealing with financial stress, health issues, work problems, and feeling like you've lost the life you used to have. Anyone would struggle carrying all of that at once.

And it might be unfair to compare yourself to your past self. Back then you were living under completely different circumstances. The fact that you were able to achieve so much before says something about you, your abilities do not disappear because you're in a hard period now.

You're not a failure for struggling when things are this overwhelming. Surviving through a period like this is already a lot.

Thank you for your kind words… I think it is true and objective that perhaps it's more so "what has happened to me" vs "what's wrong with me"… but unfortunately changing my thoughts don't necessarily change the practical problems I have on hand… I really often wonder why do we have to keep on holding on so much when we're not even choosing to be born in this world?

But at the same time, I really want things to get better and to feel better, to be able to enjoy my life as I'm meant to…

 

[Forever Sleep]

Distractions aren't as effective as they used to be because I've over indulged I suppose. I work freelance so- as long as I meet my deadlines and submit something reasonable, I can work how I want. That tends to lead to constantly having something or other on in the background to try and coax myself through. But then, it also means I don't appreciate it so much.

I guess that's a frustration I have with life generally. That things almost need to be worse in contrast for me to appreciate other things. Having to be up early and go in to a place of work. Struggling to work alongside others, coming home exhausted- made me grateful for the periods I could be by myself. Now that I have that always, I'm not quite so appreciative.

I suppose you need to do both though in life. Obviously- just getting lost in distractions won't solve ongoing issues. It's more like we need to take steps to try to solve our problems and then relax- rather than keep ruminating over them. That's assuming they have a solution though. Some problems are very hard to solve.

 

[nitrogenous]

Distractions aren't as effective as they used to be because I've over indulged I suppose. I work freelance so- as long as I meet my deadlines and submit something reasonable, I can work how I want. That tends to lead to constantly having something or other on in the background to try and coax myself through. But then, it also means I don't appreciate it so much.

I guess that's a frustration I have with life generally. That things almost need to be worse in contrast for me to appreciate other things. Having to be up early and go in to a place of work. Struggling to work alongside others, coming home exhausted- made me grateful for the periods I could be by myself. Now that I have that always, I'm not quite so appreciative.

I suppose you need to do both though in life. Obviously- just getting lost in distractions won't solve ongoing issues. It's more like we need to take steps to try to solve our problems and then relax- rather than keep ruminating over them. That's assuming they have a solution though. Some problems are very hard to solve.

Thank you for your perspective. I think that's the thing right, when you have everything, you don't really think about them much or "be grateful" for them. It's usually only when things started deteriorating that you realise how much of a privilege those things were. And I suppose, that's the reason why I feel like I'm such a failure, I keep on regressing more and more, and can't sustain my high standards anymore. But more than that, not even being able to just go on with life considering how difficult everything is, financially, academically, etc… I do think more than distractions I do need practical steps, but for now, they're all unreachable for me, so I really feel like a ticking time bomb till I'm homeless or at that point of desperation and just ctb using SN…

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thank you for your perspective. I think that's the thing right, when you have everything, you don't really think about them much or "be grateful" for them. It's usually only when things started deteriorating that you realise how much of a privilege those things were. And I suppose, that's the reason why I feel like I'm such a failure, I keep on regressing more and more, and can't sustain my high standards anymore. But more than that, not even being able to just go on with life considering how difficult everything is, financially, academically, etc… I do think more than distractions I do need practical steps, but for now, they're all unreachable for me, so I really feel like a ticking time bomb till I'm homeless or at that point of desperation and just ctb using SN…

I think it's definitely important to try to keep on top of things. Even in a small way, we can make choices that are more constructive than others. I've been so bad neglecting my fitness, diet and living environment- that it's making everything else so much harder. At the back of my mind- I know I can't keep letting it slip- if I need to keep going. I know I'm going to have to take my lifestyle in hand soon.

But- maybe it's things like that you could try. Almost like side quests. If you can't face doing something for work for example- what can you face instead in that moment? Maybe the washing up or laundry. Maybe listing the books you'll need or whatever.

I know that I will need to focus on getting my fitness better if I have any hope of dealing with what's ahead. Now and again, I start trying to go back to it but, it truly is so difficult.