Venting Distant Moon, so Big and Bright, worthless, prideful me.

[Lilacmoon]

Sorry. I debated for a while. But I guess I'll just do it. I don't care anymore. I need to get it out somehow. This isn't going to make sense to anyone and no one should read this embarrassing drabble. I just want to scream at the void and pretend it matters for my own silly ego.

_____________________

Love.

Stupid, stupid love. It's an ideal. A wish, a hope. Something I've craved my whole life. Something I always wanted. Maybe it was selfish of me. Maybe it was idealistic. Narcissistic, even.

What kind of love did I want? What kind of love did I hope to provide?

Unconditional, Endless Devotion.

I wanted to be able to give my every breath, life, and soul to someone. To live for them. To be theirs, to serve their wishes, their dreams, to put their needs above mine. To be a slave to them, to make them happy. To devote each thought of each hour to that person. To give them everything. What did I want back? Selfishly, I wanted to be someone's favorite. To be someone's first choice, all the time. To be the one closest to them and their soul, and for my soul to be closest to theirs. Didn't have to be romantic. Could have been familial. It didn't matter. I lusted for this kind of connection, this feeling. I think I based every decision in my life around clinging, desperately, debasing myself, enslaving myself to the wills of others.

Tossed aside. Used. Unneeded. Unhealthy. Clingy. Overly attached. Too intense, too dramatic, too everything and not enough "not me". Who would want someone like me? An emotional vampire, draining from everyone. A fraud, a liar, a fake that only pretended to be devoted, pretended because they wanted someone to love them.

I deserved it. I deserved it for wishing to touch the moon and make it mine. To reach for something too far away, too big, too majestic for someone like me. An ideal like true devoted love? What kind of silly joke was that? I didn't deserve it. But in my pride, thinking that I was good enough to be loved, I was given proper punishment. Hurt, abused, abandoned, broken. But I can't help but keep hoping. Keep praying that maybe I could reach the moon. Without my search for this moon, I am empty and without purpose. I'm not even alive, not in any meaningful way. Dusty furniture. An unused glass. A doll in an unopened box, forgotten.

I don't deserve to gaze up at the moon. I never had the right. Why did I think I could? Why did I think I could ever truly matter on the level I wanted? Why couldn't I have just been born normal, someone with average hopes for love, and average expectations for love. Why did I need to be someone who needed to own the moon?

Broken, unfixible, a princess of lies, unwilling to settle for anything less than the royal charming she set her eyes on, no matter how unrealistic, how stupid, how undserving she was.

I have to die. It's the only way to stop being the liar princess. It's the only way to stop searching for the moon. I'll just sleep, and the pain will finally end.

_____________

Sorry. I hope no one actually read this rant.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

It's very relatable. A painful and isolating feeling, but you're not alone.

 

[dropdeadfred]

This hits my feelers.

 

[SmellyRat]

I understand i'm completely broken too like a bad puppet whos strings are about to break

 

[Womps]

My emphatic and clingy tendencies are the reason i think im on this website. My emotions and actions have been the demise of many a friendship and relationship. im always trying to be a good person but getting stepped on unrelentlessly every step of the way. All i seek is love and compassion from another, I miss spending every moment with someone i love deeply, those moments were magical i tell ya, magic. But my overwhelming affection and appreciation is just too much i guess, too clingy. Moral of the story im just a lonesome piece of shit that has learned to not try anymore, I dont like the rollercoaster of emotions ya know, if i cant stay up on the peaks on that coaster then ill just stay down here on the ground and not even get on it. I am where i am because it was my own doing, i fucked the fuck up and keep fucking up and have never learned the skills enough to start fixing it.

I feel your pain and I raise my bottle of the worlds cheapest vodka to ya, cheers

 

[Amumu]

I wish you had found your princess, princess Lilac

 

[Heart Shards]

Ms./Mrs. Lilacmoon, don't think what you have to say is stupid or dribble. Your feelings are valid. Maybe owning the moon is an impossibility, but owning your feelings isn't. I am grateful that you reached out, let other know the agony that pervades your mind. I'd rather you let toxic steam escape than have your brain eventually explode. You are NEVER a burden, if anything, you are one of many beacons that bring hope to others on SS. I love you, Sis. My PM box is always open.

Sorry. I debated for a while. But I guess I'll just do it. I don't care anymore. I need to get it out somehow. This isn't going to make sense to anyone and no one should read this embarrassing drabble. I just want to scream at the void and pretend it matters for my own silly ego.

_____________________

Love.

Stupid, stupid love. It's an ideal. A wish, a hope. Something I've craved my whole life. Something I always wanted. Maybe it was selfish of me. Maybe it was idealistic. Narcissistic, even.

What kind of love did I want? What kind of love did I hope to provide?

Unconditional, Endless Devotion.

I wanted to be able to give my every breath, life, and soul to someone. To live for them. To be theirs, to serve their wishes, their dreams, to put their needs above mine. To be a slave to them, to make them happy. To devote each thought of each hour to that person. To give them everything. What did I want back? Selfishly, I wanted to be someone's favorite. To be someone's first choice, all the time. To be the one closest to them and their soul, and for my soul to be closest to theirs. Didn't have to be romantic. Could have been familial. It didn't matter. I lusted for this kind of connection, this feeling. I think I based every decision in my life around clinging, desperately, debasing myself, enslaving myself to the wills of others.

Tossed aside. Used. Unneeded. Unhealthy. Clingy. Overly attached. Too intense, too dramatic, too everything and not enough "not me". Who would want someone like me? An emotional vampire, draining from everyone. A fraud, a liar, a fake that only pretended to be devoted, pretended because they wanted someone to love them.

I deserved it. I deserved it for wishing to touch the moon and make it mine. To reach for something too far away, too big, too majestic for someone like me. An ideal like true devoted love? What kind of silly joke was that? I didn't deserve it. But in my pride, thinking that I was good enough to be loved, I was given proper punishment. Hurt, abused, abandoned, broken. But I can't help but keep hoping. Keep praying that maybe I could reach the moon. Without my search for this moon, I am empty and without purpose. I'm not even alive, not in any meaningful way. Dusty furniture. An unused glass. A doll in an unopened box, forgotten.

I don't deserve to gaze up at the moon. I never had the right. Why did I think I could? Why did I think I could ever truly matter on the level I wanted? Why couldn't I have just been born normal, someone with average hopes for love, and average expectations for love. Why did I need to be someone who needed to own the moon?

Broken, unfixible, a princess of lies, unwilling to settle for anything less than the royal charming she set her eyes on, no matter how unrealistic, how stupid, how undserving she was.

I have to die. It's the only way to stop being the liar princess. It's the only way to stop searching for the moon. I'll just sleep, and the pain will finally end.

_____________

Sorry. I hope no one actually read this rant.

And you're quite the talented poet yourself. I really felt what you were saying.

 

[Cakes]

This hit me hard. I was lucky to have someone love me unconditionally. He was amazing. But he's gone now, I'm crying while typing. I don't want to live decades without him, even if we were just friends. Damn, it's heart breaking all over again.

I'm so sorry you feel like this, you deserve to smile! You're so kind

Thank you for this, you're amazing at putting things into words. Biggest hugs X

 

[flower]

relate to this so much, thank you for sharing with us

 

[Deleted member 22650]

I teared up, you sound so poetic, even if it's dark, it's beautiful.

 

[Symbiote]

Right in muh feelz....

They only loved me back when I provided for them, if I didn't provide, I'm casted out as a stranger. Unconditional love is a myth. Only being that loves you and never discriminates is Death. It embraces all.

 

[Meditation guide]

I have to die. It's the only way to stop being the liar princess. It's the only way to stop searching for the moon. I'll just sleep, and the pain will finally end.

You're just too good for this world. People suck. That's the problem. I understand how you feel. It's terribly sad that this is the only way you can find peace. I know you're special. It comes out clearly to me.

 

[Lunabeam90]

hi :) you are not alone. I feel the same way.

 

[summers]

What I love about the moon is that one day, it will fall back towards the Earth, break apart and kill everything on this planet. It is both the creator and destroyer.

Not science fiction. Most models show this to be what will happen.

 

[Dysgenic Pup]

Almost 1 year later and I haven't forgot.

 

[FuneralCry]

This post is really beautifully written. Love is painful, if you love anything, it is just something to lose and cause you pain.

 

[Dysgenic Pup]

This post is really beautifully written. Love is painful, if you love anything, it is just something to lose and cause you pain.

Yes it is. RIP Lilac. One of those people you converse with online and never forget. I don't know why I can't forget.

 

[BridgeJumper]

Lilac....This showed up randomly and Im almost crying