Venting dissociation + feeling like a failure.

[synthcadia]

sorry i havent been on here much.

i started therapy recently as a last resort and it's going okay. on prozac which helps with my anxiety a bit, but not my depression. whatevs.

my therapist said that i meet the criteria for depersonalization + derealization disorder. so that's why i haven't been on here recently.

secondly, i got into a grad program.

or i thought i did.

i got into a certificate program but was encouraged to reapply for the master's program.

i feel stupid, it feels bad, but i think i didn't get in because of when i applied, and other people applied earlier and got in earlier.

so next time, i think i can get in.

i am just so afraid that if i don't get into a master's program, i won't become an international lawyer, and i'll be a failure.

but maybe that'll give me more of an incentive to ctb.

maybe i can ctb earlier than expected.

idk, any uncertainty just fuels my future plan to ctb. so whatevs, i guess.

i mean i HOPE i get in. i have a positive gut feeling/good intuition about it. i still am worried though.

this existence of mine is tortuous and painful.