Disappearing (Vent)

[N33dT0D13]

It dawns on me just how expendable I am. The most people talk to me, like me, rely on me now, but I don't do anything unique for any of them, anything that no one else could do... I guess the case could be made that I'm just more accessible or accommodating or receptive or whatever. I don't mind that, in theory at least, it's starting to seem like I mind it a lot actually. I feel like a sponge. I absorb my own & everyone else's shit & when they need me again, I wring myself dry & smile & nod & ask relevant questions to not seem like I couldn't give less of a fuck because of my own crises that I'm actively either trying to deal with or ignore. I might be a psychopath, but I think I'm too sensitive for that to be true. I know I have narcissistic traits but probably also enough echoist traits to keep me from being in NPD range. Maybe I'm overthinking myself into uselessness. Maybe I should actually have a villain arc instead of just saying I will then continuing to put other people's wants & needs over my own. I'm on voice chat with my ex rn as he rambles about his hyperfixations & I'm actively not telling him about how depressed or angry I've been, I hinted about it when he asked what I was up to & that's enough, he's happy talking to me & I was fated to be unhappy in this moment so, nothing of value lost.

I don't know why he's still so attached to me, he has other friends he's known longer but apparently hasn't confided in them as much as he has with me. As cringe as it is, sometimes I feel like some sort of deconstructed mary sue, everyone around me loves me & it kind of sucks. Younger me wanted friends & love but everyone thought I was weird (and I was I still am but-), now I have plenty of friends & people who love me & I just wanna vanish into thin air. I wish I were fictional, I wish I could have all the adoration my needy whiny little heart craves without actually needing to interact with real flesh & blood humans. I guess I'm just weak willed or codependent or whatever. I should be happy, for so many reasons, but all I can think of is everything that I'm not doing that I have no motivation to do & the fact that I have very few people to confide in... But I HAVE people to confide in, at least one who will actually care & support me through it & I should talk to him... I really should talk to him. I need to get over not wanting to be burden people with my own shit, at least with him cuz he's been saying as much for going on four years now. Everyone else is pissing me off though. I hate when people ramble to you even when they see you're busy with something else & don't take the hint from being ignored. Sometimes I fear I'm too much of a dumpster fire for my best friend but I know he doesn't think that. Even as shitty as I feel now, I'm thankful for him, I wish I could disappear from everyone but him... I could but... BUT... I'd feel guilty, but... I don't wanna feel cold or judgy or like an asshole BUT... I don't know. I don't know if I'm being too hard on everyone or being too hard on myself or just being a dumbass but I really really really wish I had to ability to vanish into thin air. My godmom (not my real one, just the one that lives in my building) would not notice I vanished until a good three sentences later, it wouldn't matter, I could do the ninja trick where I leave a log in my place, she'd still have something to talk to, nothing would change, just an old woman endlessly repeating herself to an entity that isn't really listening or even really there. So much of my existence & socialization is illusory, I might as well be fictional, I am fictional, just without the luxury of not existing. I hate existing, fuck existing. My stalker ex (he wouldn't deny being a stalker so I'm not just saying it) is talking about my dad now & I'm just checked out, I hear him, I can make out the words but I feel so disconnected, I feel like a fictional character having a fan read their wikia page to them which, the wording of that sounds dismissive or self-aggrandizing but I do know I have both an inferiority & superiority complex so it is what it is.

I'd be so cute as a fictional character, & my lazy ass wouldn't even have to put any effort into it. I could throw myself off of a cliff without a care or any hesitation then have an anvil fall on me & be totally okay, I could bash my own fucking face into the wall until I no longer have a face & be A-ok next episode, I could cut my own head off, blow myself up, drown myself, set myself on fire, jump into a woodchipper, actually feel myself being agonizingly ripped apart (complemented by my artist expertly depicting my anguish all over my dumb cartoon face) & shrug it off, wouldn't that be nice. I could go on a murder spree & still have people praise me as being complex & sympathetic & not just batshit or unstable or criminally insane or evil, even if I am! I could just straight up murder anyone who pisses me off, hell, ANYONE, I could murder someone for being slightly rude or boring or self-absorbed or stupid or a poor conversationalist & still be... Probably not a hero unless it's smth like Drawn Together or some shit, lol. I've been thinking of stabbing someone all day but I don't have the constitution for it, I am not about that life, I am a fucking chihuahua, but fuck I wish I could sink my teeth into someone's arm & yank yank yank with my mouth as they struggle & scream, I could murder someone right now if I really wanted but what good would it do, ooh momentary excitement in my dull circular life, I'd still be arrested & end up in another dull circular life but far, far worse. I could kill my mother right now & eliminate a significant portion of anxiety in my life but she'll suffer more the longer she lives with herself & me not talking to her will someday make her suffer more, if it isn't already. My real actual legal godmom who isn't fucking annoying know my mother is sad & lonely cuz she pushed everyone away, & I tried so goddamn hard to make her happy. She's not worth being murdered, it's genuinely above her as sick & fucked up as it sounds, no one deserves to be murdered except maybe Hitler types & terrorists (foreign & domestic but no one cares about the latter) & I'm not glorifying murder at all, it's bad don't do it but also, she deserves to fully live out her sad useless lonely life. She wants to tell her own mother on her deathbed that she doesn't love her & that she was a bad mother cuz my mom was SO MUCH BETTER A PARENT THAN HER WOWIE ZOWIE, my mom isn't worth some dramatic deathbed confession, I hope she realizes soon that I genuinely intent to never talk to or interact with her again. I still feel bad for the neglected abused child inside of her but the adult her, the """""mother""""" her can eat shit & die LIVE, LIVE LONG & SUFFER, AMEN

I should be happy, people give me stuff, people are happy to see & talk to me, they just all see a completely different person when they interact with me, & somehow none & also all of those personas are real & exist & accurately represent me because I am nothing, really. I'm just here. I'm just here & I listen so I have friends, I'm just here & am at least a 6 so people think they want me, I'm here & smart-ish & strong-ish & eager enough to help that being mid in like every way doesn't matter that much, I'm so good, such a good little nothing, so sweet & nice, so soft & receptive, stretch me bend me I won't break, here I am!!! And for free too, what a steal! They should fucking mass produce me & hand me out to everyone, emotional support human(?), if you don't want me then throw me out, I'm used to it lmaooooo ^o^ X3 ;P

I do wish I were mass produced so all the me's could run away to a deserted island together, we'll build a raft of me (hell I'll volunteer, who gives a shit if I drown, there's plenty more of me to go around), we'll use me for a food source if the island is scarce, we'll beat the shit out of each other & murder each other to take the edge off, we'll get together & talk about how the world sucks & is awful & we're scared cuz everyone is eating & beating & killing each other, we'll huddle up for warmth & whisper sweet nothings to each other while doubting if the other me means what they say but fuck it, it's nice to hear in a moment & we're used to lies & betrayal & abandonment so if they turn on or get bored with us (and since they're me they WILL get bored with & tired of me), we saw it coming. Always seeing every possible outcome, the bad ends most prominent among them because of fucking course.

Maybe me & one other me could get along, we'd be besties & isolate from everyone else, that'd be fun, it'd be cute. I just wanna not feel so replaceable. He just asked me to read him an article about "like, African cheese or something" because I've been a bit too quiet for a bit too long. And he's rambling again so maybe I can get out of it but I could just read it, why not, got nothing better to do. Such a pathetic little nothing I am, everyone's nothing, nothing within me, nothing coming out of me, why am I here? WHY AM I HERE

WHY AM I HERE

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

FUCK YOU GOD SMITE ME ALREADY YOU CUNT I AM TIRED

Deadass me and this dude only dated cuz I said I had a crush & it stroked his ego & made him horny & it was fun till it wasn't but he still likes me I guess. I don't hate him, don't even dislike him, I just feel generally empty & somewhat empty towards him. He's alright I guess (also I just finished reading an article about "Wangashi, wangash, wangasi or Beninese Cheese" lmao) but I don't like a lot of shit he says & thinks, so what, thought crimes aren't a thing, I'm gonna condemn him for being a misanthrope with frequent homicidal ideation when I am also a misanthrope with frequent homicidal ideation & just far quieter about it?

I would ask why I attract weirdos, if I had no self-awareness about being both a weirdo myself & a product of abuse, & if I believed normal people existed (name one that you personally know, even the good people in my life that I actually like & love & wanna interact with are weird, it's often part of why I like them so much). Better question, why am I still falling in these same patterns so frequently & consistently? I basically manifested two different shitty boyfriends in the same year, ended up with two exes the same fucking year, manifested at least three stalkers (none all that dangerous so far so that's something at least) & I still feel alone... I will talk to my best friend. Sometimes I feel alone talking to him but significantly less than I do with others, he's a good guy. I dunno if either of my exes are good guys but they're sad & dealing with shit so it's not worth talking about certain things at certain times... Okay two stalkers, the last one was just obsessive, not a stalker, I feel a little bad for him cuz I am kind of currently ghosting him, I wanna respond to him but I don't wanna admit to myself that his obsession freaks me out when I am also obsessive because what the fuck why am I like this. Hell I'm ghosting one of my exes lovers (poly stuff) cuz I didn't think they liked me beyond sexting, I didn't ask, I didn't say anything, did they deserve it, probs not but they have others to sext with, they'll be fine, I ghosted my kind of girlfriend years ago cuz I didn't think she cared beyond sex stuff & cuz I judged her as being an airhead & she was getting married (poly stuff), she's fine, she's happy, I served my purpose & all is well, I want to crush someone's skull with my bare hands on some MK shit, feel fragments of bone & brain matter in my hands as I'm drenched in warm pungent blood, I am so tired/sad/angry/lonely, I need the pills godmom gave me to kick in I want to not be sober anymore godDAMMIT

I hope no one read all of this, waste of time & I apologize but no one is obligated to read it so I'm fine, just a dumb vent. I want to disappear & make all my friends & exes worry about me cuz I'm always comforting them thru their trauma while keeping quiet about my own cuz I know it'd be awkward for them otherwise cuz they collectively suck & comforting ppl (except my best friend who I will talk to but not now, gotta blow off more steam first, he's used to me being chaotic & manic & intense & I love him more than anything honestly but I don't wanna burden him & I know I shouldn't think like that, I'll be fine, I feel better, I just... Needed to unload all the built up excess crazy, get back to my default cute charming manageable crazy lmao

Too much caffeine. I'm hungry. If my dogs piss in the hallway of my unit one more fucking time I will... just push their noses in it & tell them again not to do it like they understand. Is that bad? I love my dogs but the boy does annoy me, I would never give him up, he's not that bad, just a bit of a little fluffy asshole but he's sweet. Not a good boy but a sweet boy, I can accept that, I love my dogs. Nearly 2500 words now, if I got this many words down for any of my half-assed projects, I probs wouldn't be here complaining lmao, PRIORITIES :V

I said I was half asleep to cover for being quiet, I think my ex thinks I fell asleep. Why am I always plotting ways to escape interactions with others? I could just say I'm feeling down & don't wanna talk, or just that I don't wanna talk, but can I really? He'd get upset & not talk to me maybe (probs not but tell that to my raging paranoia), woo I don't have to talk to him anymore, but then I can't watch stuff or talk about games & movies & weird shit with him either. I wish I knew who I was or what I wanted. I am the stranger in my life, everyone is so familiar with me but me, everyone's my friend but me, I am an object, I will change my name Public Universal Friend just like Public Universal Friend did (look them up they're cool) but instead of going preaching my values to people, I'll just be a glorified cardboard cutout & let people use me for free therapy & companionship... WHAT THE FUCK AM I EVEN ANGRY ABOUT, I JUST WANT THIS WORLD TO BURN

Bratz are objectively better than Barbie, fuck you, I might make a grilled cheese, I want to dropkick someone in the teeth, I am so drained. I'm tired but nowhere near sleepy, too much caffeine, THIS IS ALL CAFFEINE'S FUCKING FAULT RAGGEDY BITCH I FUCKING HATE CAFFEINE, I was upset before the caffeine lol, just constantly overthinking my dumb ass into being upset, I want to swan dive off the roof of my apartment like when you're a kid playing a Tomb Raider & don't get past the Croft Manor cuz you're an ADHD riddled mess & keep making Lara dive off of high surfaces & breaking her neck (I like Lara Croft but it's fucking funny don't judge me also I was like 10? 12? 8? I don't fucking know) lock the butler in the freezer lmao, Lara Croft pegging Crash Bandicoot, you're envisioning it rn haha loser I planted r34 in your head so impressionable, if you read all of this 1. I'm sorry 2. get help 3. insult me as creatively & honestly as you can please, roast my ass, tis the fucking season, I will bite Santa's fucking neck off, ho ho ho my fucking taint fucking commercialized seasonal bullshit, Santa catch these claws I will gouge his eyes out, it's totally fun & quirky & cute to threaten public domain characters, at least I don't contemplate killing the fucking cats in my yard, my godbro (neighbor's son) said caviar feels like picking up a snail & crushing it in his hand & I already hated him before but he's a goddamn sociopath, snails don't do shit to anyone, fucking freak, I love snails, cute. Okay bye for now ☆

 

[N33dT0D13]

M A N I A A A A A A
lol honestly I love being manic, even when it doesn't feel good, even when I feel like I'm completely losing my shit & going crazy(er-), that feeling of pure raw energy coursing thru me, it's like my blood is made of caffeine, it's like seeing the world in chartreuse & your wires guts are falling out of your body & you're majorly malfunctioning but you couldn't care less because it's
PURE
FUCKING
ENERGY
I feel like a fucking raccoon, I've eaten out of the trash before so not too odd a comparison & I also am apparently cute but can't be tamed, I'll give someone rabies in a fucking heartbeat, get my grubby lil paws on em I am so ready for the chaos, my life IS chaos, I will tame, harness, wield that chaos or die trying, mark my words

Left my mom a card, partially to genuinely wish her a happy bday like I wanted before she texted with some bullshit & I had to ignore her, partially to be passive aggressive lmao. I hope it pisses her off

Expected to write more here but I got a burrito to demolish lmao, happy new years eve eve y'all

 

[N33dT0D13]

That urge to just disappear
I guess I've been acting on it for... Some days now, maybe a week, time's been a blur lmao, I love being such a shitty non-functioning inherently defective facsimile of a "person"
I've been ghosting everyone since it... Well not since it started but since it got bad again, been too depressed & anxious to do anything or even talk to anyone, mostly just been sleeping
It's dawned on me that of all of the people I interact with regularly, my best friend is the only one that I actually consistently like & who I don't feel is using me somehow. Everyone else, I want them to worry about me, I'm so tired of people saying they "need me", constantly calling or messaging or knocking on my door cuz they want their cardboard cutout back. As selfish as this may be to say, they're all the kind of people to rant unceasingly about their day or life the moment they see me or that I get on call without bothering to ever ask how I've been (or they ask then immediately talk over me & take over the convo again) & it's breaking me down, I'm tired of smiling & nodding, I'm tired of being there for everyone when no one seems to give a shit how I feel, & I don't even know how much of this is my fault cuz sure I'm growing ever more resentful of the people in my life for a problem that I'm deliberately not bringing to their attention so they couldn't try & fix it if they wanted to, but the times I have brought it up its either a blank response or "oh gosh I didn't know, I'll change" but do they ever change??? Hint: I wouldn't fucking be here if they did
The ex boyfriends are honestly the worst, not overall as people, just as far as this one-sided comfort. The first doesn't miss me, he misses easy validation despite his shitty actions cuz he's sad & he mistook me for his mother too many times, & the second likes the idea of me far more than me to use me as an emotional support humanoid when he wants an escape from life & he needs someone to shut up & listen to him rant literally all day til he falls asleep then he wants you to have stayed on call so he can wake up & do it all over again & I'm both conflict-averse enough & dumb enough that just falling off the face of the earth feels easier than just telling him I need space

I do need to get back to my best friend & I will, probably after writing this. The problem is I will likely feel obligated to message everyone else back. I've also been ghosting my neighbor godmom cuz point blank she's annoying, & I know that I'll hit her back up before Tuesday because she gets her free weed then & I wanna go with her cuz the dispensary has food & tea & popsicles & I need some reason to go in besides wanting food & tea & popsicles & frankly I'm a fucking leech, I admit it, but also I'm tired of my only smoking buddy IRL being an immature old lady who never stops talking & always wets the fucking joint, literally how, she's been smoking since she was 13 & she's 66, you'd think she'd learn how to smoke a joint without fucking making out with it, & I'm tired of her lashing out & saying awful shit to me after I beat her in spades which is most of the time that we play spades, & I'm sick of the same old "people love me, I'm god's child, I can get anything I want, I don't bother with anyone else's problems" THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP IF YOU'RE SO GREAT, NO ONE ASKED, STOP TRYING TO FUCKING CONVINCE YOURSELF

I've been shitting violently because my schizophrenic neighbor (at least the one I'm close to here) keeps bringing me fast food & I'm a dumb dog who eats whatever is put in front of me especially since this has been enabling me to not leave my apartment at all except for miscellaneous snack runs & walking my dogs after midnight. My teeth are rotting & they have been for embarrassingly long & getting worse the past few days & it's all my fault, I didn't get em fixed when I had insurance & then I missed the insurance renewal period cuz I'm a dumb worthless procrastinating idiot so I kind of deserve for the poison to spread from my teeth to the rest of my body & kill me but I'll try the free clinic anyway I guess, they have some sort of lottery shit for dental services & I might panic if I don't get chosen but I won't panic too hard because I'm blessed to know that my pain in this particular area is all my own fucking fault for simply not caring enough before it became, well fuck it was already a problem & it was already bad, I just don't care about myself until shit's dire & not even then half of the time

I wanna die
so bad
sooooo so bad
so fucking bad you don't even know
but can I die yet?
I know I haven't left things off well enough for me to comfortably die but dying unfulfilled & in misery would be on brand for me lol

Okay I gotta get back to my bestie... Sometimes I wonder how long it would take him to forget me if I did suddenly disappear or die
He deserves a better best friend than me
But I don't want him worrying about me & I thought maybe he wasn't but he messaged again today
I contemplated telling him not to worry when I disappear cuz I'll always come back
I have before but I thought of telling him that specifically so I could kill myself after & have him assume I'll be back but besides deceiving my best friend, it just seems cruel. He & these dogs are the only things tethering me to this world & I dunno if that's a good thing or not but, it is what it is.

I wanna die die die I wanna diiiiieeeee

 

[N33dT0D13]

I don't wanna tell him that I wanna die
He likely knows I'm feeling bad cuz that's the only time I go quiet like this but I don't wanna tell him that I want to jump head first into a woodchipper cuz i don't wanna bum him out but the free clinic isn't doing dental except for existing clients & I got an STI test from them years ago but that's separate from the dental department so I am not an existing client & I wanna perform a fatality on myself, y'all know the Thanksgiving fatality where they slam their opponent's lower jaw into the fucking table? I wanna do that to myself repeatedly until all my fucked up teeth are gone & I'm dead lmao but I can't tell him that cuz it'd probs disturb him or make his day slightly worse so I keep tryna think of ways to downplay it but I can't & the longer I wait the more I keep him waiting & I love him but honestly having ppl in your life sucks when you're a dysfunctional mess of mental illness, he's made my life worth living but also I hate feeling like I'm constantly bringing him down

Uuuuuggggghhhhh

I don't even wanna talk to the others, like at all, I'd love if they all just assumed I died & worked out their problems alone or with someone else, a whole friend group of four of us (not including my bestie, just me, my two exes & another autistic homie but you deadass can't have a convo with them about anything besides their boring white guy celebrity crush & I don't wanna admit I'm tired of it but yeah) & they mainly look at me to calm them down or fix their shit, just talk to each other, damn, I know I'm a massive hypocrite here but y'all say you're friends, talk it out, confide in each other, fuck, I'm busy having my own crisis that I'll likely never tell any of y'all about, just come back & play it off like nothing happens cuz I'm a toxic lil rat who thinks isolating counts as coping, watch my last ex be the only one to ask what happened, & it's a catch-22 cuz if I say nothing, he might press or he might just move on to ranting about his family & if I spill, "oh I'm sorry to hear that you should get help for that ANYWAY"
I guess I'm the same as my neighbor godmom, I'm just old & sad & want someone to listen to me but unlike her, I'm hyper aware that nobody cares so I keep my mouth shut, yeah I should just be in therapy but I have no insurance rn & didn't bother getting into therapy when I had it cuz who cares if I ultimately lose my shit & cbt, just another loser whose life went nowhere, oh well, that's life, no I don't know what I really want ooh it takes such a genius to realize that, I'm so tired of myself & other people & this life