todiefor
Scrap that, nothing matters at all after all
- Jun 24, 2023
- 474
I use to really like this linkin park song, but I was really too young to have understood its meaning. Then over the next two decades, I tried so hard, really tried my very best to to give life the best chance I could, to honour all the opportunities and gifts I was given, i worked so tirelessly I would often just get home at 7am just to get changed and go back to work, I ignored my struggles and made so many sacrifices for my supposed family and loved ones, i moved across the globe for them ignoring my deep yearning for stability and sense of belonging and home, I pivoted and reinvented when things didn't work, I faced every challenge front on even when I felt so alone and unacknowledged, I pushed hard out of my comfort zone to make peace with my surroundings, when my loved ones hurt me I made excuses for them to keep the hurt at bay. And I got far I guess, i broadened my horizons, I experienced the world, I saw beautiful things, I thought I was building towards a future, I thought I was loved and everything I did meant something to my family.
When Bennington hung himself in 2017 I revisited this song and still didn't quite understand its meaning, I was still working hard doing all what I thought were the right things. I was tired but pressed on.
But as the song suggests, in the end nothing I did mattered, doesn't matter how hard I tried, the abuse and neglect and abandonment I experienced at the hands of my loved ones in life haunts me and make my life unbearable, I'm told I should just go kill myself, nothing I did meant anything at all. I can't trust anyone or myself anymore. What exactly is the point of anything?
I just can't breathe, everyday is such a struggle, I hate the moment I wake up and I see the sun streaming through the blinds, another day, life is such a joke.
When Bennington hung himself in 2017 I revisited this song and still didn't quite understand its meaning, I was still working hard doing all what I thought were the right things. I was tired but pressed on.
But as the song suggests, in the end nothing I did mattered, doesn't matter how hard I tried, the abuse and neglect and abandonment I experienced at the hands of my loved ones in life haunts me and make my life unbearable, I'm told I should just go kill myself, nothing I did meant anything at all. I can't trust anyone or myself anymore. What exactly is the point of anything?
I just can't breathe, everyday is such a struggle, I hate the moment I wake up and I see the sun streaming through the blinds, another day, life is such a joke.
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