Discussion Did you predict you'd be in this state?

[Manaaja]

I predicted I'd have ctb'd 1,5 years ago. I truly am pathetic, aren't I? But on the other hand, it's also the process of ctbing that is pathetic. It should go like "I want to live in a better world! Oh I must have fallen asleep, wait where am I? Wait is this the new better world? Cool!" instead of all that roping and hoping. I don't want to live here and I'm highly suicidal but I don't want to die.

When I was a kid, I wished I'd live forever, I still want to live forever, just not in this fucking world.

Sometimes I thought my adulthood would be great, sometimes I thought it would be bad.

 

[Kismet]

I always thought about it. Even in high school, i never thought I'd make it to age 30 and that's how i lived for the most part. Uppers always helped me not feel and still do. I can turn off my feelings when I'm on phen or some other kind of upper. I do miss ephedra so much. Kratom and caffeine are the current emotion blocking upper lol I've had more than a few more aggressive upper patches. No idea why I'm still alive. I've been through a few drunk patches as well, I got good at being able to make 1/2 gallon of jack last 3 days by taking some sleeping pills on an empty stomach among a few other tricks.

I bury myself in my work and obsess over something or another to get by.

Anyway, yes, it has always been there. I used to dream about cutting my veins and doing a reverse IV until i bleed to death. Hanging from the ceiling fan. Both are more tricky than they sound. Only recently realized that it's me that is the problem as crazy as that sounds. I've also always had this feeling like things would work out.

What do you think drive you to feel the way you do now?

 

[Hawthorne]

I think from a very young age I've been this way, it has just manifested more now I'm an adult. One of my earliest memories is of being so upset that I wanted to stab myself with a blunt dinner knife nearby. I've never forgotten that urge and it disturbs me sometimes.

 

[bing]

I knew it was coming.