Did you ever imagine you would die by suicide?

[SanguineHare]

I grew up thinking my stepfather would kill me. Then I started to think it would be because of myself and my own actions.

 

[xLosthopex]

I've always had an inherent sense that I would die by suicide, I think that was before the first time I ever even felt suicidal(which was around age 10)
Not sure where it came from really, I was always an extremely anxious person and felt very much 'out of place' in the world/society, also have always had an intense fear of 'growing up'/getting older and could never conceptualize myself in the future, and trying to do so fills me with immense dread and a sense of impending doom

 

[lofticries]

Yeah, I really don't wanna die of any natural causes. I don't get the point of dying slowly of something out of your control. But then again I really don't have many things that tie me to this earth.

 

[Hirokami]

I doubt my 14-year-old self would be surprised, considering how my life was shit back then, too. Though, if anything, it'd give him something to look forward to for once. For the record, I'm 26.

 

[Bunyips]

I always thought I would. One of my earliest memories is sitting in front of a bottle of bleach and trying to drink it (I had seen enough movies to know that drinking bleach kills people) I think I was 11. I never thought I'd die any other way. Surprised I lived this long honestly. I genuinely never thought I'd make it to 20 let alone 23. The likelihood of me living past 30 is slim.

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

I "knew" I'd eventually die of suicide since I was 5 or 6. My parents were extremely strict and seemed to delight in punishing me under every pretext they found. My peers bullied me. My teachers knew how my parents treated me, and held it over my head. Heck, if I had the means and the opportunity as a child, I'd be a child-sized skeleton in a casket now. And I'd snicker at the adults grieving over me while relaxing in Hell.

My only "problem" was lacking the means and the opportunity to CTB. And since the internet didn't exist back then, and reading about suicide would be quickly caught by authority figures---which meant a punishment harder than I could even imagine---I had no choice but to wait until I was older and had more privacy. My plans as a child revolved mostly around knives/blades, high-rise balconies, and railroad crossings.

Failing all those methods, I fantasized about killing a random person, so my state would arrest me, charge me with murder, and execute me. I just didn't know that kids and teens didn't get capital punishment, which my state practiced back then, but has since abolished. Which, ironically, would make my username as true in 1989 as it was in 2020, when I joined this site to escape my state's perpetual Biden-19 lockdowns.

 

[Z-bar]

Yup I've romanticized ctb as long as I remember.
The fact my best friend and our mutual friend did made it even more real and set in stone

 

[EvilStepSister]

Always. Since I was about 10. I'm a lot older than that now and when I go, not one person who knows me will be surprised.

 

[Graytaichi]

In the last 15 years or more, I expected it and only wondered when it was gonna happen. The idea of living for more 50 years or something disturbs me.

this thoughts is extremely mature . i have no desire to form a family , day in day out , we work sleep gets life boring .

 

[Mr2005]

No

 

[lmon]

From an early age I had a suspicion I would die young and violently. For some reason I was convinced I was going to get murdered or be killed in an accident. Suicidal thoughts were always there but it was more in the background. The past few years is when I started to become actively suicidal - like researching methods, buying materials, planning and making attempts.

Sometimes it still feels a bit surreal that I am going to die this way even though I have been longing for death for a while now. I was always intrigued by those who managed to commit suicide. Suicide was always this thing looming in the back of my mind but now that my deadline is fast approaching I am not sure how to feel about it. On one hand I feel relieved but apart of me feels resentful that I have to do this in the first place.

Did you always have a suspicion you would die by suicide? When did you first realize suicide was a real option?

I always wondered. especially since I thought it was the ultimate sin.

 

[Chiisai]

Ive never thought of it but I have always had a feeling that I wont live to see myself being old.

 

[Dear Agony]

I first realized it was a real option when I was 9, also learned about self harming and did it for the first time. I seriously considered doing it when I was 12, by 15 the thoughts went from worse to unbearable, but I've been sure that will be the way I die since I was 16. It's very weird indeed, I just know it.

 

[dudeidk]

100% no.

 

[demuic]

I always had the feeling that I would not make it to adulthood. I thought that I would not reach age 18. I didn't consciously have a plan to kill myself, it was just the overwhelming sensation that I would die young. I have known for a long time that I was not meant for this world and felt that I would not be able to survive. Suicide came to be the logical conclusion.

Of course, I'm still here as an adult. The years just past by and eventually the realization comes that you will have to take things into your own hands, as the sands of time will continue no matter what you want.

 

[justtiredofit]

From a young age I always thought if I couldn't live life the way I wanted to, then I didn't want to live.

 

[ColorlessTrees]

It's difficult to say, but I think I accepted suicide would be my way out from early adolescence—before I'd ever been actively and truly suicidal. Back then, I never believed I'd have the guts, but here I am. The ultimate control of this permanent decision appeals to me in perhaps a romantic, twisted way; I decide when it ends, and no one can change that. It's also a bonus childish message to those who've patronized me and viewed me as a pitiful little thing out of her mind, stripped of any critical thought and personal agency.

Therapy is fruitless when there's nothing I wish for but for consciousness to halt.

 

[Toxic Positivity]

Yes. I think the difference this time is that there is nothing stopping me. No intimate relationship, job, interest, school. Nothing. And I don't feel as much distress anymore. I can feel myself making peace with my life because I know I no longer must keep living it.

 

[hopelessdreams]

suicide has never been on my mind honestly for all my life. I was covering my trauma with academic succes and useless friendships to feel something. suicide never felt as an option because of my religion. but lately I feel there is no other way out for me. I feel suffocated and hopeless in my current situation. suicide sounds really peaceful and better than my way of living now. I've made peace with whatever will be waiting for me in the afterlife. im done.

 

[.............]

When I was a kid, I thought I'd live a long life. I wanted to live long and be happy with like a husband, and kids, all that stuff. But it just feels so pointless now. I feel like I'm worthless, and that's what led me to suicide. I wish I could apologize to my younger self that it had to end up this way.

 

[deletednumber]

Not until I had my first depressive crisis in 2015

 

[☆AwaitingEntropy☆]

Yes, since I was about 14 or 15. Especially now, after over a decade of life getting worse and worse, it feels inevitable.

 

[deathbydragon]

I never got the dates right, thought I'd be dead before 20 for a long while. Then pushed it back.
But pretty much, it's the only way of death I've ever thought about.

 

[sadnessnsuicide]

Yes, I have known for a very long time that I would likely die by suicide. I think I've known that since I was twelve or thirteen years old. It's always been a reality, knowing that I want to commit suicide and that I come from a family riddled with mental illness, it only seemed natural that it would take my life. In fact, every birthday I've celebrated since my first arrest has always come with a bit of esctasy, from the pure surprise I feel knowing that I lived yet another year refusing to do what I have always planned to do.

 

[Brianiskillingme]

Suicide runs in my family, so yes, I kind of knew it was coming my way. I have one failed attempt already.

 

[Capsaicin78]

I kinda knew it all along. I never wanted it to happen but... being unhappy my whole life made me accept this fact. I am going to die by suicide and now I am ok with this fact.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Maybe not, but back then I was blissfully unaware it would come down to this. Nowadays, I know CTB is the only option for me. I am just wasting away and suffering. What's the alternative? Drugs and therapy just to get me to cope until I die of old age?

 

[emptyjokes]

I remember feeling compelled to jump in front of buses/semi trucks when I was very young, probably 12 or so. I thought it was normal to feel compelled to CTB multiple times a day. I thought that when people talked about being happy, they felt like suicide wasn't the only option. It turns out that most happy people (I imagine) have zero serious thoughts about suicide. The one and only mental breakdown that I have had stemmed from realizing that normal people rarely have suicidal thoughts, let alone make plans or idealize it. It occurred to me that I was damaged somehow, when I had been assuming that my mental health was quite good.

Having put a couple of years between myself and the breakdown, it's much less strenuous to come to terms with my situation. The life I'm living now was the longest run I was ever going to get, so I can feel satisfied that I made it this far. I'm in the process of making my preparations, and it's never felt this real. I don't have the tethers that I used to have, and I am ready to float away.

 

[brokensoulsdiealone]

Ever since I was 11 maybe younger

 

[AloneInCollege]

I think since I very first learned the word and that people could kill themselves I kind of always knew in the back of my mind that I was going out that way. As I got older it just got more clear and intense.