Did you ever imagine you would die by suicide?

[eternalmelancholy]

From an early age I had a suspicion I would die young and violently. For some reason I was convinced I was going to get murdered or be killed in an accident. Suicidal thoughts were always there but it was more in the background. The past few years is when I started to become actively suicidal - like researching methods, buying materials, planning and making attempts.

Sometimes it still feels a bit surreal that I am going to die this way even though I have been longing for death for a while now. I was always intrigued by those who managed to commit suicide. Suicide was always this thing looming in the back of my mind but now that my deadline is fast approaching I am not sure how to feel about it. On one hand I feel relieved but apart of me feels resentful that I have to do this in the first place.

Did you always have a suspicion you would die by suicide? When did you first realize suicide was a real option?

 

[Snake of Eden]

I dont want to. I always wanted to die but peacefully and not by suicide. I draw the line on certain things like unbearable circumstances and losing my sanity. Thats where i would have to do it

 

[wait-for-the-bus]

From an early age I had a suspicion I would die young and violently. For some reason I was convinced I was going to get murdered or be killed in an accident. Suicidal thoughts were always there but it was more in the background. The past few years is when I started to become actively suicidal - like researching methods, buying materials, planning and making attempts.

Sometimes it still feels a bit surreal that I am going to die this way even though I have been longing for death for a while now. I was always intrigued by those who managed to commit suicide. Suicide was always this thing looming in the back of my mind but now that my deadline is fast approaching I am not sure how to feel about it. On one hand I feel relieved but apart of me feels resentful that I have to do this in the first place.

Did you always have a suspicion you would die by suicide? When did you first realize suicide was a real option?

To answer you in one word - yes.

The first suicidal thoughts entered my head when I was about 14 and I attempted to hang myself when I was 15. I would not currently exist if I hadn't been so bad at tieing knots. But I got a glimplse of what my thoughts would be like just before death. I passed out and I found myself on my back on the floor looking up at the towel that had failed me.

But ever since, I have known I would once again be in that position and would die by suicide.

For the most part, it has been in the background as something that would happen in the future, in the same way you will eventually retire.

But now the feelings have changed. The bus is coming and I need to get ready for it. I am researching, buying things and clearly trying to understand the techniques that work best.

Every so often I have a revelation that some specific step I have taken is a gigantic step toward suicide.

So your question about having a suspicion that I would die by suicide - I can't remember a time that I didn't have that feeling.

 

[chocolatebar]

In the last 15 years or more, I expected it and only wondered when it was gonna happen. The idea of living for more 50 years or something disturbs me.

 

[aprilshowers]

I always figured that I would cut short my time here myself if nothing else did. A year felt like such a long time to young me, and looking at my grandparents that were around for 80 of those, I knew that I didn't have the patience.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

Many years ago I would imagine killing myself, but didn't actually plan to do it. I've never wanted to be old, so I guess in a way, suicide has always been on the table in one way or another. I used to joke to family that I will live to the 'Jesus years', ie. 33 and now it seems closer than ever. I have all the components to end my life, so now it's only a matter of time.

 

[Centende]

I have always known that I have no desire to be old seeing my great grandfather in the state he was in seemed pointless to be even as young as I was at the time so I guess I always knew I would eventually kill myself I spent the past year pretty sure I would die homeless on the streets because the place I live was going to be sold but then unexpectedly my big brother killed himself and suddenly my family decided to take pity on me.. its very odd

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Every so often I have a revelation that some specific step I have taken is a gigantic step toward suicide.

Hrmm this is a very interesting comment. Because I feel the same way. Something will come up that will drastically change the way I approach suicide. My most recent failed attempt at partial hanging was a gigantic step towards exploring other options. Which led me to finally ordering N. That definitely took a long time to figure out and overcome my anxiety of the unknown.

Once I got my hands on N, I started making final preparations and now I am pretty much ready to go any day now. I guess successful suicide takes steps and planning ahead. Although that final moment requires a bit of impulsiveness. Even though I failed with hanging, I am glad I at least tried. Because now I know I have it in me to carry this out.

In the last 15 years or more, I expected it and only wondered when it was gonna happen. The idea of living for more 50 years or something disturbs me.

Yeah definitely. My biggest fear was ending up old, bitter and alone. It sucks that I have to ctb in the first place but it is a much better option than living this shitty life for another 50+ years.

I always figured that I would cut short my time here myself if nothing else did. A year felt like such a long time to young me, and looking at my grandparents that were around for 80 of those, I knew that I didn't have the patience.

I honestly don't know how people live to 80 and beyond. By that point your body is so frail and mind so broken. Life just isn't worth it, especially at the tail end when you become trapped in your flesh prison.

 

[Myl]

Ever since I was 15 it has always felt inevitable, it still does right now at almost 22.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I've had phases where I definitely wanted to CTB and ones where I had no plans to at all. I think I first seriously attempted suicide when I was 13 but all I did was run away from home and hope I would die of starvation/exposure. Didn't last long and I folded in about 15 hours. Currently I definitely want to CTB for sure and have done so for over the past year so I'm hopefully way more prepared for when I CTB next year.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Many years ago I would imagine killing myself, but didn't actually plan to do it. I've never wanted to be old, so I guess in a way, suicide has always been on the table in one way or another. I used to joke to family that I will live to the 'Jesus years', ie. 33 and now it seems closer than ever. I have all the components to end my life, so now it's only a matter of time.

Once you realize suicide is a real option then there is no turning back. Even if your outlook on life improves, the idea of suicide will always linger in the back of your mind. Especially when you go through rough patches and life has plenty of those.

I don't think there is a singular 'right time' to ctb. It is different for everybody. So don't feel rushed. Only you know when it is time.

I've had phases where I definitely wanted to CTB and ones where I had no plans to at all. I think I first seriously attempted suicide when I was 13 but all I did was run away from home and hope I would die of starvation/exposure. Didn't last long and I folded in about 15 hours. Currently I definitely want to CTB for sure and have done so for over the past year so I'm hopefully way more prepared for when I CTB next year.

Yeah the intensity comes and goes in waves but the urge is always there. Especially when you started having these thoughts from an early age. It is all you have known. This is something pro lifers will never get. Life itself is the problem for the suicidally depressed. The only options you have is to wait it out til the bitter end or exit early on your own accord.

 

[ghost_]

yes. ive made several plans throughout my life

revised my current one a couple times

 

[RedPanda]

Yes and I've been suicidal for the last 15 years.

 

[GentleJerk]

No, up until chronic illness started to destroy my life I never once imagined that I would consider it.

 

[Crazy4u]

yes. My situation is similar to other members who responded

 

[Ta555]

No, if you told me a year ago I'd be feeling like this now I would have laughed and said you were fucking joking right? And now here we are...

 

[D&D]

Like @GentleSoul said - I never once consider it until overwhelming tragedy shattered me and I became ill.

What I found in the process is that nothing in this life teaches you about yourself as death does.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

No, if you told me a year ago I'd be feeling like this now I would have laughed and said you were fucking joking right? And now here we are...

Just one of life's many surprises. The fun never stops.

What I found in the process is that nothing in this life teaches you about yourself as death does.

We spend all our lives trying to run away from our problems but I guess death has a way of forcing you to face your demons. This may sound sick but I am kind of proud of myself for having the courage to end my life on my own terms. I know I would hate myself if I let this drag on and become old and bitter.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Yes and I've been suicidal for the last 15 years.

I've been depressed with suicidal thoughts for just as long. It is all I can remember. It is so rough. I don't know how you managed to hang on for so long. I am frankly surprised I made it this far.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, for such a long time, I have known that I will die by suicide. I have been suicidal since I was very young. I have never wanted to be alive, it has never felt right me being alive. I cannot imagine myself dying from anything else. I want to die at a time of my own choosing, on my own terms. It is the only thing that feels right for me.

 

[Dragon's Heart]

I think I first started thinking of suicide as a method of relief at an early age. A little later, I would wonder about how I might die usually from what natural cause? Now that I'm much older with more physical pain and isolation than I would choose, suicide seems like a more real occurrence for me. I don't think I've ever really thought about it as a death option until maybe about 8 years ago.

 

[Noctis]

I've wanted to die since I was 9 years old. I don't remember the first time I learned the word suicide, but I've obviously wanted it since then.

At this point, I've planned many suicides, and written even more notes... but I've only attempted once. I've thought so much about killing myself that it feels weird to imagine dying any other way. Like, dying by my own hand is somehow my destiny.

 

[Ch92921]

Since I am 16y old.

 

[PerpetualPain]

Not in a million years

 

[looseye]

I think the first time I started to think about going out by suicide was somewhere between 11/12. But it always seemed so far away, all those years I had the hope that I'd be able to fix the things that were fucking with me. A decade later it's only gotten worse, lol. It indeed feels surreal to think about the fact that what you had subconsciously labeled a strange fantasy is very damn close to becoming reality.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

It indeed feels surreal to think about the fact that what you had subconsciously labeled a strange fantasy is very damn close to becoming reality.

That is a beautiful description of this experience. There are so many fascinating and well spoken people on here. Counter to the commonly held belief that all suicidal people are mentally unstable. Suicide can be a rational decision.

 

[lastlife_]

I've known since I was 12 years old (since 2002). I still remember sitting on my bed convincing myself I would die before my next birthday, then when it came I would tell myself before the end of the year, or my next birthday.. I think this is why I lacked motivation, passion, determination and basically threw away my education. It's sad when I think about it because 12 is so young.. and not one adult tried to guide or advise me. No one asked if I was struggling or if I need help. I felt alone then and I'm still alone now.

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

Up until I was 15 I was relatively happy- my Mum was in very bad health, we were poor, my Father was distant, a drug user and selfish with money, but other than that I enjoyed life. I felt positive about my future. My passion was the drums, which I was talented at and enjoyed immensely.
Then I was assaulted at school and my knee damaged (dislocated patella). Suffered more dislocations, had chronic pain.
Began smoking dope. Developed body dysmorphic disorder.
Dental problems, TMJ problems, acne.
Lost ability to play drums, started having mobility issues.
Started having occasional thoughts of suicide.
Suicidal thoughts suddenly intensified during a relationship, and have continued to intensify since. I think about it constantly now.

I too am resentful I have to die at a young age by suicide. My life could have worked out really well if people kept their hands to themselves and I had some support as a boy and adolescent. I was facing a lot of new, terrifying stuff and there was no support available.
I often grieve the loss of my potential and wish things had turned out differently.
Losing a life one loves is bad enough, but now I have to do the clean up as well, and can't even access a reasonable method of death.
Oh, and then there's the many degrading moments I've suffered since, due to severe physical pain and mental illness.
-Sigh-

 

[noname223]

When I was a teenager I knew there are two options how my life will be. Either I am extremely succesful or I Will commit suicide. Now I am here. I think there is no question which option is becoming true.

 

[NormaJeane]

People who are young, beautiful and healthy usually do not think about death and suicide because we are programmed to live. But when we get old, chronically ill or disabled, suicide becomes the solution to our problem. However, all people should have the right to euthanasia - no one should have to commit suicide.