Did you ever imagine that you would end up in the SS forum?

[Arrow]

Honestly I can't say my ending up here comes as a surprise to me. Ever since I was a kid I'm pretty sure I knew I was fucked. Knew my life wouldn't go well even with opportunities to succeed. I wish I could look around and find this all to be surreal, but it's not.

 

[thefoodispoison]

I've been depressed and on and off suicidal for two decades. I didn't think I'd end up here because I didn't know there were places like this. I'm glad I found it.

 

[JFED]

No but fuck am I glad I have you people here

 

[Thequietone]

I never imagined I would end up in a suicide forum it feels surreal to me but here I am unfortunately

Yes I think it was predictable for me. I had thoughts by age 11, wanted to jump off a roof because I was very sad from family issues. With 14 I started self harm, still do it at 23 almost 24. A lot was going on the last 10 years and it really broke me somehow. Here I am, thinking about finally getting the strenght to do it, so I don't have to deal with life anymore, fed up with dealing.

 

[wait-for-the-bus]

It's here and it fits so many of my needs to talk about something I have never been able to talk about.

It fits my need to CTB.

 

[Crazy4u]

I am glad SS exists. It is actually a nice place compared to other suicide forums. I feel understood here. To answer the question: no, I've never imagined that. I was suicidal but I didn't realize how hard it is to actually die.

 

[Elegy]

No. Because 20 years ago I put a pistol to my temple and pulled the trigger. I was coked out of my mind, and blood was dripping out my nose, on to my desk and a mirror, where... I had laid out photos of my baby boy. My son, who I was not legally allowed to visit.

Suicide is nothing new to me. What is maybe new for me, is open candid discussion about suicide.
Maybe we could start with, why so many men. Fathers. would rather kill themselves than live without their kids.
Not YOUR father. Nor mine. I am talking about men like ME

Why am I still alive? I was so damn drunk and coked out I forgot I dumped the damn clip.
In that moment, in my mind the gun was loaded. Man I will never forget the sound of that hammer dropping down.

Click.

Your boy Elegy.
Yeah what about my son, god?
You think some day, I might make him proud I am his blood father?
Because I am really not seeing that ever fucking happen.

 

[redwaymilk]

Never. I was on a meteoric ascent. I was at the top of my game, at a top institution, in peak physical health, fantastic love life, lots of friends. I really helped and saved people and made a difference in other peoples lives, and I got paid to do it. And then it all fell apart. And when it fell apart it fell apart in the most public way possible. My alcoholism and binge drinking and the self denial that had built for so long finally lead me to a place where I could no longer talk myself out of the consequences of my binge drinking and my selfish decisions really hurt others.

Now I've lost 30 pounds over the last 3 months, have no friends outside of my AA sponsor in my city, with an impossible uphill battle to get back into my original career. I bought a lottery ticket for the first time. I went from being on the handplucked path with everyone supporting me to a $500K a year career to now having no idea how I'm realistically going to pay off my student debt.

I've given up things that people would dream of for my own selfish behavior which i truly believe stems from my alcoholism. The levels of self denial that built to deny the alcoholism spilled into my life, and into my actions that affected others. But after being in such a public place and in a network of powerful and well connected people - my name has essentially been blown up.

I look back at the last 10 years since I went to college and started really binge drinking, and now being sober, it's easy to see and live with how my binge drinking has affected every single person around me, and how its isolated me at each step. I literally was that good that I never experienced any consequences, and kept succeeding in spite of my alcoholism.

Now everything seems hopeless. And I feel despondent.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

No but it isn't surprising.

 

[Buddha.e.c]

I wish I would've found this forum years ago when I was experimenting with risky methods that could have caused me brain damage . To answer the question no I wouldn't have imagined but then again very glad in a sense that I did find SS.

i will be leaving very soon from this life ...i will not be a survivor

 

[clown]

Nonononono never. But im happy i found this place tho.

 

[Squalo]

I didn't even imagine that the SS forum could exist, considering that suicide is one of the most censored topics.

 

[Suicide Depression]

Nunca imaginé que terminaría en un foro de suicidios, me parece surrealista, pero lamentablemente aquí estoy.

I never thought about it I always had depression but oh when I was 16 I developed it completely I never thought I had tried ctb or thought about doing it sometimes he asked me how is it that I am like this now how is it that I can no longer be happy like before having found this forum it was very good sometimes It is my only refuge and it is a consolation to have it. I consider that this place is also a refuge for many.

 

[Hurt]

Not until my life fell apart and I started to feel suicidal. I can't believe how things changed.

 

[Al Cappella]

No, and I'm not sure how I feel about it…

 

[Antigonish]

Definitely yes...
The moment I knew one existed, I knew it was meant for me. Only sad I didn't find it when I was like 11.

 

[downndone2]

Never in a million years, until late 2019 when I literally ruined my life. Now I just spend my time depressed, anxious, in bed miserable for the most part. I've spent the past few years just wishing I would not wake up. I have 2 amazing grown kids, 3 awesome dogs, and a remote job which have kept me going. But life is complete misery and shit. I cannot believe I'm here and literally want to die pretty much every minute of everyday.

 

[Shu]

Not in a million years.

 

[Frog]

I was interested in the original CTB groups and researched methods when I was about 11, so I always anticipated ending up here. I almost had a precognitive sense since early childhood that life was never going to fulfill me and that it'd only get worse with age. It might have been a self fulfilling prophecy, but still...no, not really surprised at all.

 

[JFED]

No but I'm glad it's here and that you are all here with me.

 

[dudeidk]

I never imagined I would end up in a suicide forum it feels surreal to me but here I am unfortunately

I never imagined I'd be on here. In my 20's i used to say "I don't know why some people say they want to kill themselves...we are all going to die one day." I just didn't get it. I thought it was just negative thoughts and patterns and could be "helped". Little did i know.

 

[Salvation_]

I did when I was younger, but I thought I needed the dark web to access it.

 

[ColorlessTrees]

Never. Years ago, I felt like my thoughts were just 'fake' and 'for attention', and that I wouldn't actually attempt or succeed. While I didn't know how to properly attempt, they were there. They slowly became worse, and there were times where I actually might have, but I didn't because I knew I'd be caught and I didn't trust bedsheets to be reliable.

Now when I feel most suicidal, I truly want to die. I also want to die on my baseline/okay days, because it isn't entirely related to depression or suffering, for myself. That's what led me back here, and why I made an account as a long-time lurker. I don't regret it, as I've found plenty of good company and conversation here.

 

[Looooser]

I've been suicidal off and on for 35+ years. But it never really goes away does it. I've attempted 13 times, mostly with pills or poisons so I would have thought I'd ctb before I found this site but I'm just a cursed failure. I would have never thought a site like this existed to be honest but now I wonder why I thought that. Lol. I've found more loving and supportive people on this site than any another other place. I feel accepted here!

 

[Istanbulite]

No. I thought a website like this is illegal, and if it does exist, it would be in a deep web. I never thought I will stumble this obscure yet relatable website.

same here. it's incredible I can access this site legally and it shows up as the second site when you search for it too!

 

[elfin]

yes, actually. i've been suicidal for so long that it just kind of seemed like a natural progression.

 

[markimobzzdeasui]

Before joining I never thought a place like this would even exist. I thought I was all alone in my sufferings and beliefs about suicide and all. Finding it was like finding water in a vast desert with no hope. It was like that for me at least. Just wish I could have found it years ago.

 

[wrybuzzard]

I was interested in the original CTB groups and researched methods when I was about 11, so I always anticipated ending up here. I almost had a precognitive sense since early childhood that life was never going to fulfill me and that it'd only get worse with age. It might have been a self fulfilling prophecy, but still...no, not really surprised at all.

This. When I was a kid I used to be able to imagine my future, getting old, my whole life. Then around 12 that changed, and I just knew I wasnt going to live a long life, knew I wouldn't make it past 40.
So suicide forum sits perfectly.

 

[StarryStarry]

No, but I sure as hell am glad it's here. It's kept me going for a whole lot longer than it would have without it. Thank you to all the SS Members. I am sorry you are here, but you've helped me.

 

[inanimate]

never ever imagined, aaron. it's crazy how life can make left turns